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My brother isn't coming to my wedding

(225 Posts)
mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:25:21

2 weeks to go until my wedding and I've just received a message from my brother saying he's not coming.

We have a great relationship but he's said he can't come due to lack of money and nothing to wear.

AIBU to think he should've had some money put aside to go to his dearest sister's wedding?

Disfordarkchocolate Fri 29-Mar-19 13:26:13

Some people don't have money to set aside. Can you help?

Hollowvictory Fri 29-Mar-19 13:26:43

That's very disappointing ffs presumably he's had months possibly years to get something even if from charity shop or borrowed or hired.

GunpowderGelatine Fri 29-Mar-19 13:27:28

You will get told that it's his choice, it's an invitation not a summons etc but IMO YANBU that is exceptionally shitty. How much would it cost him? Isn't there a family member's house he could stay at?

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:28:15

@Disfordarkchocolate Can't really afford to be giving him any money (and it would end up being a gift rather than a loan). I have nothing spare to give him as I've put my own money towards the wedding and just bought my first house

Halloumimuffin Fri 29-Mar-19 13:28:24

How far in advance was he invited/did he rsvp?

How far would he have to travel, does he have to stay overnight?

MadameAnchou Fri 29-Mar-19 13:28:39

YABU, it's not for you to decide that someone needs to put by to go to your wedding.

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:28:57

@Hollowvictory Yes, very upsetting. I would be happy if he was in jeans and a t-shirt. Would just appreciate him being there

BeanBag7 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:29:06

Maybe he's just had a big unexpected expense and now can't afford to come. Maybe you could offer to help him or suggest ways he could reduce the price (e.g. does your fiance have an old suit he could borrow)

sweeneytoddsrazor Fri 29-Mar-19 13:29:12

Depends why he doesn't have the money and how expensive it will be. Does he have to travel, pay for a hotel ?

MirandaWest Fri 29-Mar-19 13:29:17

Could there be some other reason? Would You be able to offer to help him with costs?

Halloumimuffin Fri 29-Mar-19 13:29:25

Also, have you sent off final numbers so you will be paying for him?

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:29:38

@GunpowderGelatine My other brother has offered to let him stay the night before at his house

BlueSkiesLies Fri 29-Mar-19 13:30:09

Can a friend loan him something to wear and your parents help with his transport costs?

BlueMerchant Fri 29-Mar-19 13:30:11

C ould a family member not help him out? Seems sad he can't attend due to finances.

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:30:30

@Halloumimuffin Invites only went out beginning of January but we have been engaged since last June

GPatz Fri 29-Mar-19 13:31:41

Sounds like he originally said he was coming and part of accepting suggests he knew cost implications. Not very nice for you, as I am sure you have already included him in the wedding costs, there being only two weeks to go.

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:32:28

@BlueMerchant @BlueSkiesLies He only needs to pay for travel. No one is willing to lend him any money as they know they will not get it back

ScreamScreamIceCream Fri 29-Mar-19 13:32:30

If your brother generally has money issues e.g. poorly paid then worth asking the rest of your family to help him out.

Mouikey Fri 29-Mar-19 13:33:10

If you want him there tell him it doesn’t need matter what he wears (because surely that’s a non issue!). In terms of cost, if he doesn’t buy a present (his presence should be enough), the cost would be travel only... can he grab a lift with someone else near him? If he needs somewhere to stay can he stay at yours? Or a friends?

If there is no backstory and you really want him there, then both of the issues are overcomeable!

maggiecate Fri 29-Mar-19 13:33:42

He might have had an unexpected expense or something going on that you don't know about. If you'd be happy to have him there in jeans tell him that. What he wears doesn't matter, you just want him there - in his PJs if needs be! Just repeat and repeat and make sure he knows you mean it. Have a wonderful day!

Drum2018 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:33:44

How far away is he from the venue? Would he need to stay in a hotel? Maybe he's had unforeseen financial problems and is genuinely unable to spend money on travel/hotel etc. I'd respect his decision.

bibbitybobbityyhat Fri 29-Mar-19 13:34:02

If you have a great relationship, can you ask him what's really going on? It sounds like he feels unable to come for a different reason.

Mouikey Fri 29-Mar-19 13:34:15

Given your update, I guess it comes down to how much you want him there & if you want to gift him the cash for travel

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:35:09

@maggiecate thank you. I'm trying my best to persuade him to come, it won't be the same without him there. It's only a small wedding but he's one of the most important people in my life and I'd like him to be there

WhenISnappedAndFarted Fri 29-Mar-19 13:36:13

OP quite a few people have asked you this - how far does he have to travel?

Invites went out in January, tbh I don't think I'd be able to save enough money to go to one of my siblings birthdays by then.

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:37:00

@WhenISnappedAndFarted he has recently moved out of the area. I'm trying to find out cost of a train ticket and told him he can wear whatever he likes

chestnut9 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:37:18

How much are the travel expenses? Is the wedding in the UK and he lives in UK? It's very annoying for have him pull out at last minute though TBH I would prob suck it up and pay his travel costs. I paid for my brother's accommodation for my (destination) wedding as he wouldn't have been able to come otherwise
.

Gazelda Fri 29-Mar-19 13:37:30

How much will he need?
I'd rather look back on my wedding and remember my brother being there, than buttonholes or favours or flowers for the mums or whatever. Is it possible to save the money from the wedding budget to pay for his travel?

Aquamarine1029 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:37:46

Can your parents help him?

GPatz Fri 29-Mar-19 13:38:01

Did he originally say he would go OP?

justmyview Fri 29-Mar-19 13:38:11

He only needs to pay for travel. No one is willing to lend him any money as they know they will not get it back

I suspect there's a back story here

OnlyFoolsnMothers Fri 29-Mar-19 13:39:03

he lives in the country the wedding is in? That's awful of him - does he have a history of cancelling on things, social anxiety etc?

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:39:35

@GPatz Yes, but from the very start my parents predicted that something like this would happen and expected him not to come

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:40:00

@justmyview Yes, he's terrible with money 😂

UbbesPonytail Fri 29-Mar-19 13:41:09

How far away? Can someone go and pick him up?

GPatz Fri 29-Mar-19 13:41:20

Wedding invites tend to go out six to eight weeks before the event, so I don't think sending them out in January is that unusual.

HermioneWeasley Fri 29-Mar-19 13:41:24

He’s a selfish dick.

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:42:11

@HermioneWeasley I'm glad you agree

YouBumder Fri 29-Mar-19 13:42:59

YANBU, what a complete dick.

Disfordarkchocolate Fri 29-Mar-19 13:43:59

From your updates, it sounds like your brother is bad at managing money. In which case I can understand why you're all reluctant to pay for him. The fact is though if this is the real reason he'll need some financial help to get to your wedding.

SunshineCake Fri 29-Mar-19 13:45:08

If you want him there then is that desire more than bothering about not getting money back. If this was me I'd chip in to make my daughter, sister, friend etc happy on her wedding day.

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:45:08

Just received another message from him. He says the train would probably cost about £80.

LagunaBubbles Fri 29-Mar-19 13:45:21

How many mea away has he moved OP?

squeaver Fri 29-Mar-19 13:46:24

I agree, he's being a dick. Now the wedding's all about him. Whether he comes or not, don't let it be.

notacooldad Fri 29-Mar-19 13:47:05

Years ago it would have bothered me who came to an event important to me ( wedding christening etc)
Theses days I view it as a day in my life. People who can make it will be there and the world will keep spinning. Its not like you two have become estranged.

Personally I wouldn't sweat over it.

Stargazer888 Fri 29-Mar-19 13:47:12

What an asshole move. Given everyone in your family seems to know he's irresponsible and bad with money it sounds like everyone has helped him out many times before. This is a really selfish move on his part.

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:48:13

@Stargazer888 you've said it perfectly thank you

heartshapedpositnotes Fri 29-Mar-19 13:49:32

Coach?

hidinginthenightgarden Fri 29-Mar-19 13:49:47

An £80 ticket more than a ~"move outside the area". IF you wanted him there as badly as you say you'd pay his ticket fare to get him to you. If you aren't that bothered then leave it to him.

EmeraldShamrock Fri 29-Mar-19 13:50:16

He is selfish, he is irresponsible with money so he is probably disappointed he can't go. On this occasion I'd ask all can the family chip in to make his trip possible, I'd let him know it was the last time, he needs to grow up.

arethereanyleftatall Fri 29-Mar-19 13:51:48

£80? If I wanted to, I could put a message on our local Facebook page right now saying 'hi, I'm available for work at the weekend. Can help with anything; lifting, shopping, gardening, skip runs, you name it. I charge ten pounds per hour.' It would have several yes pleases within ten minutes. Maybe different areas are different.

SoHotADragonRetired Fri 29-Mar-19 13:52:03

It's hard to judge this without the backstory really. In principle I think YABU to be angry at someone for not being able to afford to come - many people are living very close to the bone and it's not for you to judge - but it seems like your brother is irresponsible and profligate rather than poorly paid/has a lot of expenses. If so, no one could blame you for being irritated but after all, you know who he is and have known for a long time - do you want him there anyway or only if he manages to be different?

Do you want him there because he has good qualities and you love him despite his faults, or for the sake of "family"?

OnlyFoolsnMothers Fri 29-Mar-19 13:52:16

dont send him the money- send him the train ticket itself

SnuggyBuggy Fri 29-Mar-19 13:53:05

It sounds like he is the sort who doesn't care about disappointing people. I bet if it wasn't money it would be another crappy excuse.

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:53:19

@arethereanyleftatall I agree with you but I don't see him as the type to put in any extra effort

TeuchterTraveller Fri 29-Mar-19 13:54:40

Let him live with the consequences of his poor money skills. Sounds like everyone is fed up bailing him out so tell him straight he's brought this upon himself and while you'll be devastated he can't join you, no-one is prepared to send him cash - again.

Bet he finds a way to be there.

IvanaPee Fri 29-Mar-19 13:55:20

£80 is a lot of money to someone who has none.

It doesn’t sound like he ever intended to go, tbh! It’s a shame but what can you do?

Try not to let it ruin your day. I would just reiterate that it’s important, you don’t care what he wears, you don’t want a gift. You just want him there.

He was perhaps expecting one or all of you to foot the bill!

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:56:11

@TeuchterTraveller you've hit the nail on its head!

onalongsabbatical Fri 29-Mar-19 13:56:29

Maybe he doesn't like weddings much?

Alsohuman Fri 29-Mar-19 13:56:35

If I really wanted him there I’d buy him a train ticket.

LazyLizzy Fri 29-Mar-19 13:56:58

He doesn't want to be there. If he did he would have made more of an effort.
I wouldn't beg or bend over backwards for him to come.

Motoko Fri 29-Mar-19 13:57:09

To be honest, I'm surprised that knowing what he's like with money, and that your parents thought this would happen, and you still really want him there, you hadn't either bought him his train tickets (would a coach be cheaper than a train) or arranged for some other way to get him there.

Your relationship can't be that great if he's done this, otherwise he'd have done everything he can to come.

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 13:57:37

My mum has just looked up the journey he'd need to take and found tickets for £53. So if we are going to pay for his travel I'd be better off buying the tickets myself rather than him making me pay more

IvanaPee Fri 29-Mar-19 13:58:35

Would he use them? If you can afford to waste £53 then I’d buy the tickets not being 100% he would use them!

NellysKnickers Fri 29-Mar-19 13:59:00

Could he be suffering with anxiety and all the fuss and flounce of a wedding is just too much for him to cope with?

BlackCatSleeping Fri 29-Mar-19 14:00:38

Yeah, my brother is the same. Can he take a coach? I think you can buy the ticket for him.

onalongsabbatical Fri 29-Mar-19 14:00:55

Don't buy tickets without checking first that he'll use them, it'll make it worse. Are you sure he really wants to come? He can not want to come but still love you, you know?

Motoko Fri 29-Mar-19 14:01:26

How much is a coach?

Kennehora Fri 29-Mar-19 14:01:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenofmyPrinces Fri 29-Mar-19 14:02:46

I get the impression he’s always expected you to bail him out in mig and that your wedding is no different,

He couldn’t be bothered to save and is now purposefully trying to guilt you to get you to pay for it. My guess is that this was his plan all along.

hidinginthenightgarden Fri 29-Mar-19 14:08:02

To be fair to him, people saying he should have saved - They booked the wedding in January. Not like he has had 12 months to plan it!

Whatweretheythinking Fri 29-Mar-19 14:08:44

How much is the coach?

Nurseornot Fri 29-Mar-19 14:08:58

I could be wrong but I would guess that in his mind you have a lot of money since you're having a wedding and just bought a house, so you owe him and he wants to use you. I've known people like that. I would not give him any cash but I would offer to buy him the things he needs (tickets/borrow an outfit for him from your fiance or other brother) and if he declines then you know he's just trying to get some cash out of you. You can then decide what kind of relationship you want with that.

ChicCroissant Fri 29-Mar-19 14:14:54

This does seem like a diversionary tactic to put the emphasis back on him tbh, OP. Would it be possible to speak to the rest of the family and come up with a consistent 'shame, you'll be missed' message and see what happens? I wouldn't be too surprised if he can suddenly magic up a suit and a train ticket if he thought he was going to be ignored/miss out?

Have a lovely wedding whatever happens!

Bigfatbaby Fri 29-Mar-19 14:20:41

How long has the date been set for?

Bigfatbaby Fri 29-Mar-19 14:21:08

If he's a pain in the arse I wouldn't go to any great lengths to have him there b

BrokenWing Fri 29-Mar-19 14:21:20

If he really wanted to be there he would be putting more effort into looking for solutions, asking family who could he stay with instead of waiting to be offered, asking if its okay if he just wore dark jeans and a shirt, telling you he's looked a trains, coaches, etc.

But it sounds like all he's done is say sorry cant make it unless someone else pays for it. Emotional blackmail.

You can either call his bluff and see if he makes the effort, or pay for him to come. By all means tell him you will be upset and miss him if he doesn't come, but don't beg or try to persuade him, it is demeaning and it is awful he has put you in this position in these circumstances.

Hollowvictory Fri 29-Mar-19 14:22:11

Right, fuck him.he cannot be arsed to make any effort, wants everyone to nail him out and has known a year in advance. Let him stay home. He's a total waste of space.

MrsExpo Fri 29-Mar-19 14:23:01

He only heeds to look respectable, ie clean and tidy. He can do that in clean jeans and a freshly ironed shirt, so not sure the “nothing to wear” excuse works. As for the money thing, how far way is he? What are the cost implications for him? Could someone give him a lift. I assume you're not expecting a huge gift.

Innernutshell Fri 29-Mar-19 14:24:03

Maybe he isnt all that interesting in coming.

Weddings can be quite boring.

It's not the end of the world - if you love him make it equally ok whether he comes or not - give him the freedom to choose - and don't worry about bailing him out.

Innernutshell Fri 29-Mar-19 14:24:34

*interested!

Xyzzzzz Fri 29-Mar-19 14:25:10

Sometimes national express is cheaper? Have a look?

IvanaPee Fri 29-Mar-19 14:25:14

Yes, weddings can be boring. But surely he could suck it up for the sister he is apparently close to?

GPatz Fri 29-Mar-19 14:26:08

'It's YOUR event, you care. If you want him there, then pay for him to attend. Otherwise don't complain.

I agree though that he should not have said he would come in the first place'.

And that's why she's complaining. He said he would go and two weeks before said he can't. I sure some people would be annoyed if this if it were a regular guest, but this is her brother.

Piewife Fri 29-Mar-19 14:28:06

Your brother is selfish. Tbh if I were you I wouldn't make any effort to get him there, he obviously doesn't care that much to have told you this 2 weeks before the wedding, and ultimately making it your problem when you've got enough to deal with already.

I hope you have a lovely wedding day!

theyellowjumper Fri 29-Mar-19 14:28:57

How far is the travel? Could he use a ride sharing app like BlaBlaCar?

Bookworm4 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:29:23

How old is he? Does he work? He's hoping everyone else will cough up for him, he could go to Primark and smarten himself up on £30, he's had since January, selfish git.

SoHotADragonRetired Fri 29-Mar-19 14:32:13

Genuine question OP, why do you want him to be there? Any answer is OK. But I think that informs what, if anything, you do.

If it's just that you feel that he should have wanted to be there and gone to the effort - don't do anything. Say you're sorry he can't make it, and mourn that your brother is not the person you'd like him to be and your relationship is not what you wish it was. Because he still won't be that person and you won't have that relationship if you pay for and prod him to come.

If you love him, and miss him, and want to hug him and joke with him on your wedding day, then pay.

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 14:32:51

@Piewife thank you so much!

and thanks to lots of you here - I think I'll leave him to it. If he really does want to come then he'll make the effort

mozzarellasticks Fri 29-Mar-19 14:34:01

@Bookworm4 he's just turned 30 and has mostly been in work since 18

Puzzledandpissedoff Fri 29-Mar-19 14:34:10

Frankly, you might just have to accept that he doesn't want to be there; clearly there's a backstory, and if he's selfish enough to have hacked off everyone else he may not care if it's not all about him

He's already tried to stiff you over the price of a ticket and could easily sell lose one if you sent it. And what about buying even a drink if he came - would he blag off others for that too, or maybe even use the event as a chance to tout for more loans?

That could be embarrassing ...

Hollowvictory Fri 29-Mar-19 14:35:23

Just reply that your sure he can find a solution. Every everyone is running round after him like he's 5.hes a grown man, the solutions are obvious. He sounds very attention seeking.

shiningstar2 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:36:13

OP several people have suggested coach travel instead of train. Have you looked at this possibility. Of course the coach will probably take longer and be more tedious but if you find the coach is say £30 and you offer this you will know how you stand with him by his reaction. If he is really keen to come he will accept this very generous offer to help him out. If he won't come by the cheaper option I would say he's not as bothered as he's claiming to be. In any event I wouldn't be sending him the cash if he's unreliable. You might not see it again and still find he has a last minute excuse why he can't make it.

Springwalk Fri 29-Mar-19 14:38:05

I would check he actually intends to come assuming money can be found for transport. I would be concerned he will find another excuse.

SleepingStandingUp Fri 29-Mar-19 14:38:57

That is crap OP. Clearly he's hoping someone will buy it all for him.
I'd send a link to the ticket, tell him to wear anything he wants, and that you hope he can make it but you really aren't in a position to help financially

Bookworm4 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:40:03

He works, he's not a child, he could get there if he wanted.

kmammamalto Fri 29-Mar-19 14:40:17

@hollowvictory so glad to see the voice of reason here! Couldn't believe how many people want her to pay for his ticket?! No way!! It's just enabling crappy behaviour. He's a grown man. Time to act like one.
Sorry you're disappointed OP. Try to focus on all the people who are making the effort and have a wonderful day. His loss, you sound like a very patient sister

thedisorganisedmum Fri 29-Mar-19 14:41:53

It's YOUR event, you care. If you want him there, then pay for him to attend. Otherwise don't complain.

what a nasty post, it's the OP's brother ffs.
Some people have flown across the world to ensure they wouldn't miss their siblings big day. It must be so upsetting for the OP that her brother can't make the smallest effort to attend.

Don't let him spoil your day. He is still your brother, just unreliable. Make the most of your own wedding, it goes so quickly.

JenniferJareau Fri 29-Mar-19 14:43:56

Sounds like he planned this perfectly! Leave it until almost the last minute and say you cant afford it. He knows there is no way that every single one of you will refuse to give him the ticket price, he knew someone somewhere would cough up.

I bet he already has bought the tickets but thinks this is a good way to get a hand out.

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