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Am I being paranoid or is this suspicious?

(111 Posts)
Embarrassedmuch Fri 29-Mar-19 10:42:31

If your DH had form for infidelity and you'd spent the past year trying to get past a huge betrayal for the sake of keeping your family together with very young children..

Would a sudden 'makeover' and image improvement make you suspicious, if for no other reason than it coinciding with him spending more time in the company of females at work?

He has just changed positions at work from working alongside only men to now being in a department where %90 of the colleagues are female.

He thinks I'm being paranoid and over reacting. I haven't started an argument but I have told him what I think.

Please tell me whether I'm BU or you would be at least a bit sceptical.

He hasn't gave a hoot about how he looks for the past year, suddenly he's making a big effort and it isn't for my sake.

Embarrassedmuch Fri 29-Mar-19 10:42:59

I've name changed for the purpose of posting this because I feel a fool.

Embarrassedmuch Fri 29-Mar-19 10:44:41

Before anybody suggests I'm stupid for staying, I agree.

I'm now debating whether or not I can ever trust him again, i feel stupid that I've put so much effort into rebuilding trust only for something so silly to make me reevaluate the relationship.

Samind Fri 29-Mar-19 10:47:53

They do say that's some of the signs- "makeover", paying more attention to their appearance etc has he mentioned a healthkick or image overhaul? Do you think maybe he is trying to catch the ladies attention or that he feels he needs to update his look to fit in? Can I ask what made you forgive previous infidelities? I don't think you're stupid. I think you have a lot going on your mine so don't give yourself a hard time.

LegoCardSwapper Fri 29-Mar-19 10:49:54

OP, please don't feel silly about this. You've done what you felt was the right thing to do, you've given it your best shot and it's a shame that your partner hasn't done the same thing.

For what it's worth, I would find this suspicious too and my husband has never cheated on me. You need to decide whether you can be in a relationship where there is no trust.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve to be treated better. thanks

Embarrassedmuch Fri 29-Mar-19 10:51:50

I think it's to catch ladies attention, he's that type of person sadly. I didn't realise this until I saw him in the company of female colleagues

I forgave him and stayed because I was about to give birth at the time when I found out and was terrified of doing it alone. I wanted to keep the family together. He said all the right things and I believed him, I put it down to last minute panic at becoming a father again.

Shookethtothecore Fri 29-Mar-19 10:52:35

I knew my ex husband was having and affair when he changed his habits. He started going to the gym and changed his hair style, took interest in his skin even though I had been buying him stuff for years he never used. I was suspicious, but the big one was when we were out he ordered a bottle of white wine for himself. I had bee with him 6 years and he drank beer or red wine, always. It was odd so I commented something like “not like you” and he said something like “you don’t know who I am the do you” he had left me for much younger ow a month later. Now I’m not at all saying it’s a given, but it was an indicator for me

CabbageHippy Fri 29-Mar-19 10:53:11

Depends on the stage of life, I have gradually lost a lot of weight & am approaching 40 & fed up with looking like I don't make an effort (I don't)

It's now time to start taking care of myself better, have bought a new wardrobe & am excising - I am not having an affair

Shookethtothecore Fri 29-Mar-19 10:54:07

What I should say that all the changes were different to normal behaviour. I take care of my self and so does my new lovely dh, him buying a new jacket wouldn’t raise my suspicion as he would buy it and say “what do you think this jacket is like on me love?!” It was that his behaviour was out of character and didn’t include me in his changes at all

Shookethtothecore Fri 29-Mar-19 10:55:07

@cabbage would you talka our those changes, tell your spouse your plans and him being encouraging. I think that’s different (and positive sounds fab go you!)

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Fri 29-Mar-19 10:55:32

If you cant trust him, then you dont have a relationship, sorry. Its irrelevent whether he's continuing to dip his wick or not, this will eat away at you. You either repair your marriage, or its over. It really is that simple. And only you know whether you trust him or not.

Embarrassedmuch Fri 29-Mar-19 10:56:11

He's not on a health kick and doesn't need to change how he looks to fit into work, it's not a promotion and he's not in line for one. The only change is the people he's working around sad

outpinked Fri 29-Mar-19 10:58:00

I understand why you stayed at the time but I do think it may be time to consider leaving. You clearly don’t trust him and rightly so, he betrayed your trust in the past. I don’t think you’re paranoid at all, he has form for this and it is definitely a solid indicator that he’s at least trying to get women’s attention.

Embarrassedmuch Fri 29-Mar-19 10:59:29

I'm sat feeling as though I need to make steps towards separating, because if something so small can invoke such strong emotions in me then I have little hope for the future.

It has been easy to an extent to not have to worry about what he's upto at work because he rarely came into contact with women, but now he'll be spending all his time around them and given his personality I don't feel able to trust him whatsoever.

He's a 'flirt' and a huge one at that.

Raspberry10 Fri 29-Mar-19 11:00:43

If he had form for infidelity, I’d be massively suspicious. But I’d keep quiet and monitor everything phones, computers etc for proof, whilst getting everything in order for leaving in the background.

But that is no way to live. You know you are going to feel this way, every time he does something like this. The trust is gone, and he needs to do more to regain it. You deserve better flowers

AnyFucker Fri 29-Mar-19 11:03:57

Many relationships that make it past the initial reveal of infidelity limp along for a year or two. Then they simply disintegrate because the wronged party realises they have signed up for a lifetine of this shit. It sounds like this is happening with you.

Sculpin Fri 29-Mar-19 11:07:58

I think you're right, OP. Whether or not anything has actually happened, your feelings shows that you don't trust him, and his reaction to your fears shows that he hasn't truly accepted the enormity of his previous infidelity and its effect on you sad

Pinkmonkeybird Fri 29-Mar-19 11:14:10

My ex did this and although he didn't have form for infidelity, it did turn out he was peacocking for the OW at work. Hence why he is my ex.

kingfisherblue33 Fri 29-Mar-19 11:15:31

He's got form for infidelity, he's a huge flirt... hmm. Doesn't sound like he's making every effort to ensure that you feel loved and secure after he was unfaithful. Or have I got that wrong?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 29-Mar-19 11:15:59

I agree with @Sculpin. The fact that you feel like this shows that you don't trust him (with probably good reason). And without trust, there's no point trying to maintain a relationship/marriage.

I'm sorry, but I think you would feel better if you took control of the situation and started making plans to separate. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.

Embarrassedmuch Fri 29-Mar-19 11:17:47

He's stomping about the house now acting like a child because I mentioned anything, banging his cup down in the sink and slamming the door.

"I won't bother with my appearance then"

"I just won't have a fucking job"

"I knew you would react like this. Do you just want me to look like a tramp?"

"Just forget it. Don't bother. Don't bother"

For what its worth he didn't look like a tramp, but he's gone from having long hair to a very short cut and changed his facial hair completely. He looks like a different person. He does look very handsome, not that he didn't before.

I'm fighting back tears because I don't want our son to see me upset.

He's too enraged about the fact I've mentioned it to give a toss about how I feel or even try to reassure me before flying off the handle.

Embarrassedmuch Fri 29-Mar-19 11:20:18

His reaction stings, he's really upset me. I don't even want to look at him right now.

There was no need for him to react like this, I haven't been raising my voice or shouting at him. I articulated my point in a calm way and explained exactly why I felt how I did, I wanted reassurance i think. Not a row.

Embarrassedmuch Fri 29-Mar-19 11:23:07

To add I'm not always on his case either, he has alot of freedom and I'm not somebody who constantly asks for reassurance no matter how much I may need it.

This is the first time I've pulled him up about his intentions

Orangecookie Fri 29-Mar-19 11:24:41

Yes it’s called hyper vigilance.

It’s what happens when there’s been a big trauma or betrayal, to the victim, which is us.

Any signals are going to be viewed through ‘is this happening again’ glasses. It doesn’t mean it is, but it does mean that you are still processing it.

So your partner should be respectful that you are going through this. I’d go to a couple counsellor to talk about this together or separately.

Lifeisabeach09 Fri 29-Mar-19 11:25:55

Why are you putting up with his crap?

Start getting angry, OP. For his past infidelity, for his current 'peacocking' (as PP said).

He really isn't worth your tears.

Btw, single parenthood is bliss compared to being in a relationship that is filled with anxiety, disrespect and distrust.

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