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To feel in despair about my situation

(77 Posts)
nannytothequeen Fri 29-Mar-19 07:14:31

I have been diagnosed with lung cancer. I need surgery and this cannot happen locally. I have to go to a far away city. The health authority will fly me there but I am not allowed to fly back. I can think of no one to ask to come and collect me. It's just too far. The hospital are suggesting the bus and I have discovered that the journey will take 8 hours. 8 hours on a bus after serious lung surgery. And then I get home and there is no one to help me. I am on my own with my 2 kids. And don't even ask me what I am going to do with the kids whilst I am in hospital, because I have no idea.

I have no family apart from the kids. I don't have a network of amazing friends. Other friends are really busy and I cannot ask for help. I will feel like such a burden. I am lost. Entirely.

Springwalk Fri 29-Mar-19 09:01:22

Email the school op.
Email every single parent in both years and explain your predicament.
You are going to have to bite the bullet, you need help and I think the response will surprise you.
I would bend over backwards to help any parent (even one I didn’t know) No one is so busy that they wouldn’t want to drop everything and help.

Please do that now. Your solution is at school with a wealth of help and support.
You need the surgery to be there for your dc. Email them all now.

Inliverpool1 Fri 29-Mar-19 09:01:45

I don’t know about NZ but in Australia you would be accommodated with the children near the hospital until you’d recovered. You need to be honest with a nurse next time you speak to someone and they will signpost you to help.

Pegsinarow Fri 29-Mar-19 09:04:46

I'm really sorry you are in this situation op flowers. It sounds really tough.

I second the Red Cross suggestion.

Or maybe re-post in "overseas" section here asking for NZ Mumsnetters to advise or help? (Mention NZ in the title.)

juneau Fri 29-Mar-19 09:07:11

If you genuinely have no one that you can ask to take care of your kids while you're away (and that, from the sound of it, is actually the biggest issue here), then you're going to have to speak to social services and see about getting them fostered for however long you need to be away. Bear in mind that there could be complications, you could be kept in hospital longer than planned, so you're going to need some robust systems in place around you. As for the bus, are there no trains in NZ? I've never been, so don't know what the transport network is like, but if you need to get back for your DC then you'll have to try and manage as best you can. Could you perhaps break the journey in halves and do it over two days rather than one? flowers for you. What a terrible and upsetting situation on top of your diagnosis.

juneau Fri 29-Mar-19 09:09:05

I would bend over backwards to help any parent (even one I didn’t know)

And yes, I agree with this. I would try to help any parent in your situation who had DC in either of my DC's classes.

AnnaMagnani Fri 29-Mar-19 09:11:06

Ask for help. One of your friends or someone from school will help - possibly someone really surprising.

In this sort of situation there is always someone who can see the bigger picture.

Selmababies Fri 29-Mar-19 09:12:06

I'm really shocked that the Health service thinks it's ok for you to do an eight hour bus journey after such major surgery! This would be gruelling even in a private ambulance where you could lie down.
Is this their only proposal of how you can get home?

Boysey45 Fri 29-Mar-19 09:13:13

Ask on Facebook for your town if anyone will run you back and you'll pay them petrol money. Someone will offer.
Also social services will take the children into foster care until you get back.Dont just give them to anyone, the husband/boyfriend could be a sex offender or something. It happens all the time, you just don't know.

Sorry you have to go through this OP, I hope the operation goes well for you.

nannytothequeen Fri 29-Mar-19 09:16:08

Thank you for the responses. Some things to think about. I am not going to approach social services though. My gp has suggested this but I am not going to involve them. No way.

Boysey45 Fri 29-Mar-19 09:21:25

What about hiring an Au Pair/nanny/babysitter type person for a month? How old are your children?

TimeIhadaNameChange Fri 29-Mar-19 09:21:54

Are your children in nursery or school? If so, speak to them as they may be able to help out, or suggest someone who can.

As for getting back from your op, what's the boat journey from Wellington like? Could that be a possibility? Alternately, put a FB post up on your local page asking if anyone's travelling back then and could give you a lift.

Echobelly Fri 29-Mar-19 09:22:35

I agree - if a message went round my kids class that a parent was having cancer surgery, and needed help with the kids and a long journey, there's no way everyone would just shrug. People would step in.

Springwalk Fri 29-Mar-19 09:25:17

OP I am really sorry you are going through this, it must be so stressful to have such an awful illness with two children (dependents) and no help at all. My heart absolutely goes out to you.

I have been thinking of your predicament, and if you really don't want to approach anyone for help then this is what I would do.

Take your children with you, book them into a hotel close by. Ask the hotel to arrange a baby sitter around the clock to care for them. The babysitter can bring the children with her to visit you a few times during the day. When you are strong enough then you can also check into the hotel and then just use the baby sitting service for a few hours a day to keep the dc entertained and give you time to rest. I would stay there for as long as it took to feel better, then fly/coach home together.

If you are short on funds, start a campaign to help you fund this. Or ask Macmillian/cancer services and charities to if they can assist, or take out a loan. Whatever you need to do to get over this hurdle. Once the surgery has taken place then you can focus entirely on getting better.

I would also tell those closest to me what was happening, possibly one of those friends would come with you.....let people help op.

coffeecoffeecofffee Fri 29-Mar-19 09:25:33

@nannytothequeen First of all I'm so sorry about your diagnosis, and I really really hope the surgery is successful and you make a quick recovery.

If you were my friend going through this- even if it were my wedding day- I'd drop everything to help you. Please reach out to your friends as I can guarantee one of them will help!! (And maybe even stay for a few days to help with the kids)thanks

Bossinger Fri 29-Mar-19 09:25:59

Definately ask the school, they will support you,

I hope it all goes well flowers

Gazelda Fri 29-Mar-19 09:26:15

OP, it's a worrying time for you. I hope the operation leads to much better health for you

In the meantime, I'd contact the school. Ask for a meeting face to face and explain your predicament. I'm certain that they'd help you sort a solution for the children.

And try to find a charity that specialises in Supporting people who have cancer - I've no doubt there will be one that will work with you to organise your transport problem.

I'd help you in a heartbeat, as I'm sure any kind person would. Please don't be afraid or too embarrassed to ask for help. Help is what good people do best, and it is what you and your family deserve right now. When you're back to health, you can 'pay it back' on your own way if you feel able.

mamaoffourdc Fri 29-Mar-19 09:31:42

Oranga tamariki will be really supportive of you and your situation xx

Pegsinarow Fri 29-Mar-19 09:33:59

Meant to say, we all need help and support at various times in our lives. This is one of those times! So so not hesitate to ask for help!

Also op, try and use this situation (crap though it is) to build up some support around you with school mums, local church, neighbours. Trust me, there are good people about who are willing to help in a crisis, and you may in addition need ongoing support. I hope everything goes well for you flowers

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Fri 29-Mar-19 09:39:43

Don't be afraid to ask people you think are not close friends - living in London (where many people don't have family) I have been asked and been happy to step in in similar situations. It has forged closer friendships if anything.

But, if your HA accepts responsibility for flying you over, should they not provide NEPTS or at least train tickets home? Will the hospital even discharge you unaccompanied? Are you coming from Scotland/Ireland?

Janedoughnut Fri 29-Mar-19 09:45:44

Are you coming from Scotland/Ireland?

The OP is in New Zealand.

juneau Fri 29-Mar-19 09:49:10

Au Pair/nanny/babysitter type person for a month

It would have to be a nanny. Au pairs and babysitters wouldn't be able to have your DC 24 hours a day.

Social services with properly vetted foster carers would be a lot better - and safer for your DC - than a random parents that you don't know. As a PP said they could have a DP in the background who is a sex offender.

Also OP, I feel there is an elephant in the room that no one has mentioned, which is do you have a will? Who will take care of your DC if something goes badly wrong with your surgery? Has anyone spoken to you about this sort of planning? If you are the DC's sole carer and you have no other family, this is something that you need to have put in place before you go and have your surgery.

Tomtontom Fri 29-Mar-19 09:51:06

Really sorry to hear about your situation OP. I recall your posts about your ex being an arse, but have you told him about your diagnosis? If not him, does he have relatives that might help?

Rangoon Fri 29-Mar-19 10:02:56

I am in New Zealand but in Wellington. Have you contacted the Cancer Society in Nelson? They may be able to help.

nannytothequeen Fri 29-Mar-19 10:23:32

The father of my children would want the kids to live with him if anything happened to me. There is no point in me making other provision because I know that his wishes would prevail. I have told the kids school, but whilst they have expressed sympathy, that is where it ends. There is no way in the whole world I am involving CYFS or whatever they style themselves now. They are largely incompetent and I would not trust them with placing my children anywhere. I have seen children in terrible situations because of decisions made by CYFS. . My kids are 12.

nannytothequeen Fri 29-Mar-19 10:26:42

Their fathers family live in the UK. I have told him the basics. He sent me a text saying that this is a consequence of how I treat him. Well, I do treat him with distain, but that would be down to the fact that he lied and had an affair and lives with the OW now. And he tries to wriggle out of supporting his children.

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