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AIBU?

To feel in despair about my situation

76 replies

nannytothequeen · 29/03/2019 07:14

I have been diagnosed with lung cancer. I need surgery and this cannot happen locally. I have to go to a far away city. The health authority will fly me there but I am not allowed to fly back. I can think of no one to ask to come and collect me. It's just too far. The hospital are suggesting the bus and I have discovered that the journey will take 8 hours. 8 hours on a bus after serious lung surgery. And then I get home and there is no one to help me. I am on my own with my 2 kids. And don't even ask me what I am going to do with the kids whilst I am in hospital, because I have no idea.

I have no family apart from the kids. I don't have a network of amazing friends. Other friends are really busy and I cannot ask for help. I will feel like such a burden. I am lost. Entirely.

OP posts:

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Happyspud · 29/03/2019 07:18

Can McMillan help at all? I’m not sure if they provide practical solutions but there must be a charity that could help.

I think you don’t realise how much some people would like to help someone in your situation. I’d mind your kids for a few days and help arrange transport. Don’t be afraid to put some feelers out because some people are happy to help someone who genuinely needs it. Some people are not helpful though so don’t assume everyone is like that if that’s who you come across first. Where approximately do you live?

Stormwhale · 29/03/2019 07:19

Can you contact social services and ask for help? Surely there must be help available in situations like this. Or what about Macmillan?

Or could you put something up on Facebook asking for help? If I wasn't heavily pregnant I would happily help someone in this situation.

Readytogogogo · 29/03/2019 07:23

Are you in the UK? If so, can you explain to your nurse specialist and see what help they can suggest. Also agree with Macmillan, and Maggie's centre if you have one accessible. I'm so sorry you're going through this .

gggrrrargh · 29/03/2019 07:24

I think asking if anyone could help is worth trying. In that situation if i knew you i would want to help in some way, if i could.

Fairylea · 29/03/2019 07:27

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

Are you in the uk?

I would contact the district nurses / community nursing team for your area (you can ring your gp and ask for their number) and they may be able to help you with transport and a referral to social services so your children can be placed in short term foster care whilst you have your operation. They should also be able to sort out a care plan for you so that you have some support when you come home (possibly carers coming in to help you).

McMillan cancer may also be able to point you in the right direction re care etc.

Sounds like such a tough situation for you.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 29/03/2019 07:27

I think this might be the time when you realise it’s ok to ask for what you want, and I genuinely can’t imagine anyone who won’t try to help you. My friend was just a work colleague, before she needed someone to pick her up from the hospital. I took a half day off work and went in with her so she could get the ‘good news’ (I had no idea of the seriousness of the appointment) and from that point onwards we were firm friends. I feel rather honoured to have been asked.

anniehm · 29/03/2019 07:43

I'm guessing you aren't in the U.K. as there's nowhere that's an 8 hour bus from the nearest hospital (the islands are but nhs Scotland would arrange flights). As for childcare, in the U.K. social services can step in but it means foster care

GottenGottenGotten · 29/03/2019 07:45

Are there no organisations that help with this kind of thing? For example, near me the red Cross have a patient transport service.

nannytothequeen · 29/03/2019 08:06

I am in NZ. My local hospital can't do the op. It is too major. I have to go to a main centre. They will fly me there but I am not allowed to fly back because of cabin pressure issues. The road journey back is horrible. Long and over a nasty pass.

OP posts:

Phineyj · 29/03/2019 08:17

Can you find care for your children near the hospital and all fly back together when you're allowed? Do try charities and patient support groups, perhaps in the area of the hospital. Contact your MP as well.

teyem · 29/03/2019 08:21

Other friends are really busy and I cannot ask for help.

I could be run off my feet but I'd find a way to help. You're not just missing out on their capacity to literally help but also solutions they may know that you haven't thought of. You should ask.

SouthernComforts · 29/03/2019 08:24

That's so tough. But ask your busy friends, preferably two. One to watch the children and one to drive to the hospital and back with you. Could you cover the cost of this?

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 29/03/2019 08:25

If I was in NZ of help like a shot and I don't know you. My sister lives in NZ and when she's need help she's been inundated. The culture seems to be for everyone to muck in - of course this might vary in different places but please feel you can ask.

TheSerenDipitY · 29/03/2019 08:25

west coast to Chch?

DanglyBangly · 29/03/2019 08:28

Ask your busy friends. Of course they will help you.

nannytothequeen · 29/03/2019 08:41

Nelson to Chch

OP posts:

Kahlua4me · 29/03/2019 08:49

You should ask those around you as you will probably be surprised at how helpful others can be.....

swingofthings · 29/03/2019 08:52

Don't assume your friends wouldn't help. We all have busy lives and can only give so much to other friends. I have friends who I only see once every 4 or 6 months because of it but if one of them were in your situation, I would definitely want to help even if it meant some disruption in my life. I really think you should ask. Say that you appreciate thry night not be able to help and resep t if they can't but you are asking in case they can. Don't be ashamed to ask. Good luck.

Springisallaround · 29/03/2019 08:52

You are assuming people are too busy to help, but I think you are wrong. Most people- if they know their friend is having a real life crisis- will step up. Having lung cancer is a real life crisis. People will help. Ask the hospital/nurses/social services for support as well as any charities. But I honestly believe that your friends will help if they know about it- perhaps take the children etc. You have decided no-one will help but if you don't let people know or ask for help they can't offer, can they? Good luck with it all, this sounds a horrendously stressful experience for you.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 29/03/2019 08:52

Can you pay a carer to go with you. You'd have to pay their flight and travel expenses and hourly rate probably doubled but personally I"d rather do that than be beholden to a friend weird perhaps but that's me

krustykittens · 29/03/2019 08:53

Please, please ask everyone you know for help, OP. You would be surprised at how many people will want to help you. There is no way I would leave even a casual acquaintance to struggle on their own after recovering from such major surgery. No matter how busy I am, their kids could run feral with mine! You MUST ask, you have no choice, no one is going to be offended and I am sure people will rally around. I hope everything works out for you.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 29/03/2019 08:55

or, check yourself in to a local (ie, local to where the operation is happening) nursing home for ten days or however long is required until you can fly.

I was going to say hotel but better to be where there are nurses checking vitals perhaps

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Nameusernameuser · 29/03/2019 08:59

Ask anyone you know to help. When I was about 7 a girl in my classes carer had breast cancer and didn't know what she was going to do for her opperation. My mum said don't be so ridiculous I'll look after her for however long you need. Think she was with us for about a week. I would do the same too.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 29/03/2019 09:00

PS, wrt the children I would approach the social services (I'm not in the uK either but all countries have an equivalent) and say I cannot do this, I need help, Get your children minded for a week and delay the bus journey for a week or so by checking in to a nearby hotel or nursing home.

I know everybody else on the thread is saying ''your friends will help if you ask!'' but I am a single parent and I don't know if I have TWO people who can do me the favours required, ie, one drive a 16 hour round trip and 2) look after my children for more than a day.

That is a lot to HAVE TO ASK. Mind you, I've never had to tell people ''i have lung cancer and need surgery''. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find a solution that both restores your faith in your circle of friends and acquaintances and also leaves you feeling that you're not asking too much.

Springwalk · 29/03/2019 09:01

Email the school op.
Email every single parent in both years and explain your predicament.
You are going to have to bite the bullet, you need help and I think the response will surprise you.
I would bend over backwards to help any parent (even one I didn’t know) No one is so busy that they wouldn’t want to drop everything and help.

Please do that now. Your solution is at school with a wealth of help and support.
You need the surgery to be there for your dc. Email them all now.

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