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To tell the ex wife?

(30 Posts)
Doubleohseven Thu 28-Mar-19 22:10:25

Excuse my naivety around HPV, it was unheard of when we were getting educated on smear testing/cervical cancer blush

The relationship with my ex is a whoooole thread in itself, so I'll stay away from other details not relevant to the point of this thread.

Last year I found out my OH at the time was married. Found out by the wife contacting me. Ended things right away with ex, kicked him out, haven't spoken to him since - all good. She also divorced him. A few years ago I had a smear which tested positive for HPV and abnormal cells which I had LLETZ for and cells were CIN3. I'd been with my ex a few months before I had this smear. Went for my routine one last week at which the nurse explained HPV is 'spread' much like an STD. Again, please excuse my ignorance but I hadn't known this. My question is, should I tell the ex wife this? She's such a lovely lady and I don't want to dredge up all the hurt again by contacting her, but now I'm terrified she's not keeping up with her smears and I've passed on HPV which could potentially lead to cancer?

Now I'm typing it, it does seem daft - surely now she knows beyond all doubt her exH was a cheat, she should be in charge of her own check ups, STI and smears... right?? Or just she deserve me spelling it out what he could have passed on?

Divgirl2 Thu 28-Mar-19 22:16:53

I wouldn't tell her because - to be blunt - her vagina is none of your business.

She knows her husband is a cheat already, there's no point in telling her again.

swirlette Thu 28-Mar-19 22:28:28

Most people will get HPV at some point in their life, and as you say if she has it and has a smear it will be picked up. It can also be inactive for years so doesn't necessarily have any relation to who you most recently slept with.

I'd say leave it.

Doubleohseven Thu 28-Mar-19 22:34:10

Phew, thank you both! I won't tell her.

Dramatical Thu 28-Mar-19 22:39:07

By 'the ex wife' do you mean your ex partners ex wife (so HIS ex wife) or do you also have an ex wife?

SpoonBlender Thu 28-Mar-19 22:42:58

You should absolutely let her know. As you've said, HPV can cause cancer, and perhaps she's been a bit lax in her smear tests recently. Telling her could (low chance, but) save her life at the cost of some mild embarrassment.

Doubleohseven Thu 28-Mar-19 22:43:36

Apologies, I mean his now-ex wife. We were both 'with' him at the same time, unbeknownst to us both!

Purpleartichoke Thu 28-Mar-19 22:45:39

Of course you Should contact her. If you find out you have an std, you contact partners who might have been exposed. She wasn’t your partner, but her lying cheat of a husband may have exposed her. He should contact her if you contact him, but Since he can’t be trusted, contact her directly.

Doubleohseven Thu 28-Mar-19 22:48:06

Crap. I can see both sides. Personally, in her position I'd have been right down for tests... on the other hand, she may be as blissfully ignorant about HPV as I was.

Doubleohseven Thu 28-Mar-19 23:05:21

Does anybody fancy a PM to have a check over of my drafted message to make sure I don't come across as a complete twat? Though I'm pretty sure in my drafted message that I come across as a complete twat

KathyS901 Fri 29-Mar-19 00:46:15

Omg! I would definitely tell her! 'Her vagina is none of your business' - WHAT?! If someone had news that could literally save my life I'd want it! I'm shocked by the attitude that 'if she's up to date with her smears it will be picked up'. And if she's not? She deserves cancer does she??!! Life happens, it sounds like she's been through a LOT recently, what with her husband's affair and kicking him out - maybe smears haven't been at the front of her mind? Op, PLEASE PLEASE tell her!!! Any akwardness is worth it! Please don't risk it.

KathyS901 Fri 29-Mar-19 00:47:22

OP I'll read your draft and offer suggestions! I know it's a sensitive and a bit awkward but it's so worth it and definitely the right think to do!

BlueSaphire Fri 29-Mar-19 00:52:29

Ask yourself if you were in her position would you want to know?....then act accordingly.

I know if I were in her position I would definately want to be told.

whyohwhyohwhyoh Fri 29-Mar-19 01:19:03

See below

Smotheroffive Fri 29-Mar-19 01:25:21

It's really standard procedure to let all parties know of confirmed STIs.

How come it wasn't him that gave it to you both?! Surely if he's been sleeping around which he has,he's the most likely culprit,right?

Doubleohseven Fri 29-Mar-19 08:23:43

Thank you all, I'm going to message her. Kathy, thank you so much - I have PMed you. Whyoh - it's not the HPV virus alone that bothers me - it's the fact that HPV is the cause of abnormal cells and is the leading cause of cervical cancer - hence why teenage girls are now offered the HPV vaccine (got myself all educated on it now grin)

Doubleohseven Fri 29-Mar-19 21:59:25

Is anybody free to read the email I've drafted? I know I need to send but I've got myself totally paranoid!

ShadowMane Fri 29-Mar-19 22:06:19

I don't mind looking over if you want?

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 29-Mar-19 22:41:01

I'm on the fence, I know it's passed in the same way as an STI but I thought it wasn't really considered an STI, in that the majority of people have been exposed to it. There is nothing she can do now (other than keep up with smears I guess). I didn't think sexual health clinics routinely tested for it

Superfragile Fri 29-Mar-19 22:53:15

I'm up for next half hour waiting for washing machine if you want to pm me. I would tell her.

LionsHeart Fri 29-Mar-19 22:57:34

she should be in charge of her own check ups, STI and smears... right?

May I just point out that if ex-wife has had a hysterectomy, she will NOT be having routine smear tests.

itssoooofluffy Fri 29-Mar-19 23:02:48

I wouldn’t tell her, if you have read the information then you also know that they don’t do contact tracing for HPV, this is for a reason.
Smears are life saving regardless, and GP surgeries send regular reminders to those who are out of date saying this. All you are doing is reminding her that she was cheated on and give her something to worry about while she waits for her next smear test. HPV is not routinely tested for when STI screening, it’s not treatable and usually benign. Smear tests are screening and not diagnostic tools to be used whenever a patient wants one. If she still has a year or two before her next test, she will have to wait a year or two, regardless, you are just commiting her to potentially years of unnecessary worry.

Catmum26 Fri 29-Mar-19 23:07:28

there’s really no need to tell her, even through hpv is technically an sti, as PP have stated, most people contract it in their lives and the body will fight it off. it’s only if the body struggles to fight it or the hpv sticks around long enough that it potentially could cause cancer. i recently had my smear results back and i’ve also got hpv but i’m not about to tell all my ex partners as there’s really no need.

TheLoneWolfDies Fri 29-Mar-19 23:09:05

her vagina is none of your business

What a bloody weird thing to say! She isnt asking her for pictures and a detailed description of her labia!
Of course you should tell her! I find it so odd that other women could think that you shouldnt tell another woman information that, although it may not matter at all, COULD have the potential to save her life.

Doubleohseven Fri 29-Mar-19 23:48:02

Arghh, I'm so on the fence and can see both sides. But when I'd had my smear and it showed dodgy cells, it was the first time and completely out the blue. My hesitation is, if she's lax on smears, this may be incentive she needs to go for one - which possibly may save her life (I know it sounds like a leap, but it is one of the possibilities)

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