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How do I nip this in the bud without being sacked?

(35 Posts)
multiplemissedcalls Thu 28-Mar-19 21:56:29

Guy at work, not in my office. But we communicate as share clients. More senior than me. Always got on well, professionally and personally when we've met at events etc.
We don't have that much call to talk to each other, pretty infrequent. But I had noticed he almost seemed to be finding reasons to email me and it's become more frequent.
A month ago he started following me on Instagram and messaged me out of the blue, asking what I was up to, him saying he was drunk, hoping I was too. Shut him down pretty quick and he back tracked quick. So put it down to him being pissed and silly.
However, the communication is starting again via text/email. Completely out of the blue last Friday he asked a work related question, quickly followed up by general chit chat, again he was pissed so just ignored it.
He is clearly trying to chance his arm with me, not sure why me. Find out this week that his partner is expecting. Feel physically sick about it. Knew it was bad that he was trying to engage me in chat anyway. But it seems worse somehow. Don't exactly work for the type of place I can go running to HR. I have tried telling him to reel his neck in, but he just sees it as friendly banter. Not sure if I'm reading to much into it. Try to ignore him mostly, but he just keeps trying to chip away. Can't tell the leadership team, as he's at that level. I'm happy to have a bit of chit chat, like I do with everyone else. But he just appears to be pushing the boundaries.

RabbityMcRabbit Fri 29-Mar-19 09:19:52

I actually read this wondering if it’s the same guy to be honest as this is exactly how mine started
@Pookie, I think a lot start off like this, mine did too x

PregnantSea Fri 29-Mar-19 09:38:30

Keep a record of everything. Tell him where to go. If it gets really bad then you need to say something, even if he is at leadership level. It's sexual harassment.

multiplemissedcalls Sat 30-Mar-19 00:00:09

It's my work phone, so can't block him from that. It's very much a boys club, I know they'll see it as banter if I go running to one of the other directors. I'm sure he'll get bored eventually. I can't switch my phone off, it doesn't really work like that. I'm always on call. Just need to grey rock him. Unfortunately he will have a say in my growth through the business so can't tell him to fuck off without it adversely effecting my career, which is sad.

YogaWannabe Sat 30-Mar-19 00:04:02

I wouldn’t reply to anything outside work

ThePants999 Sat 30-Mar-19 00:06:18

"Keep it to work stuff please."

CSIblonde Sat 30-Mar-19 00:07:09

IME of similar work situation, if you're polite & nice he'll go into thrill of the chase mode & just try harder. Ignore & block but keep copies of everything he's sent in case he turns nasty when it sinks in he's getting nowhere.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley Sat 30-Mar-19 09:09:15

Could you casually drop in about a boyfriend or a FWB or engineer something that would work as a crucifix to this guy without it being overt.
It's all sorts of wrong that you have to take care because this man has power over you but it's commonplace.
I asked a friends hunky brother to collect me from work one day and give me a kiss in full view. That changed the tone for the rest of my training which was a year only thankfully. I wasn't even a looker but I was fresh meat maybe?

PookieDo Sat 30-Mar-19 10:56:10

Honestly don’t bother with a fake boyfriend it doesn’t stop a predator they just see it as more of a challenge and exciting to get you to cheat on them.

The thing that drives them is secrecy and power. He knows he’s got all the power and every post you make just reiterates that! If you believe that he is completely in control you will continue to be afraid of him. He doesn’t have all of their power at all.

You can’t have it both ways, you can’t try to ‘keep him sweet’ because he can affect your growth. Just be very boring. This might affect your growth because he’s preying on you - consider leaving!

EnoughLifeLessons Sat 30-Mar-19 11:34:13

It's a tough one and your career may be affected either way. Keep screnshots of everything. No longer reply to any texts unless it is a direct work question. If he hasn't backed off in a few weeks you need to tell someone. The fact is he may get bored or he may get angry as he feels rejected. In which case, your career is affected anyway and you should go to one of the directors and tell them, keep it factual. He won't get fired but they'll probably tell him to back off. Then see how it goes. Accept you may have to leave eventually, in which case leave before it gets messy. The system is against you, even the law, and I say this as a solicitor...I've seen countless female solicitors "resign" as soon as they get pregnant. And the sexism going around is prevalent and daily. It makes me sick.

EnoughLifeLessons Sat 30-Mar-19 11:36:27

Oh and don't bother with the fake boyfriend, many men think that if you're in a relationship it makes you less clingy. A few of the more senior women in my business have told me the harrassment gets worse once you get married for that reason...

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