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He wants to come back, but I don't want him back, nor do the DC

(112 Posts)
cheaperthebetter Thu 28-Mar-19 14:15:53

Hi all,

So he left a week gone yesterday, due to him calling me a 'snake' slag basically because I never answered the phone to him! (Phone in bag actually never heard it!) was with DD at her activity club.
Anyways on the day he left he said "I'm never coming back you know, also I won't be chasing you" I told him " good as I don't want you back nor do I want you to chase me!"
Fast forward, over the last few days he's been really nice (he's chasing btw) so I've been amicable for DC, he keeps suggesting 'why don't we do this on that day' 'that on this day' and when I say "No" as made other plans he starts to 'sigh' and make me feel guilty, to which I actually AM!

I've spoke to DC (4) ages 12,11,9 and 8, they don't want him back living with us, in their words he is 'grumpy, moody, demanding (constantly asks the kids to get him this that and the other eg drink, snack etc) selfish, lazy too,
And they are so RIGHT in their opinions.
Since he has gone, me and DC have had just relaxed and chilled out and the atmosphere in the house is LOVELY!

AIBU by saying to him " YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK CAUSE 'WE' ARE HAPPIER NOW YOU HAVE GONE!"
I know I will feel awful saying this but it's true!

Merryoldgoat Fri 05-Apr-19 08:58:33

@Whatad

I suppose they are. I won’t pretend to understand what these relationships can be like - I’ve never been in an abusive relationship but can imagine things are not as they appear.

Whatad Fri 05-Apr-19 07:49:18

And if you find yourself wavering just think of your children's happy faces now, compared to their poor little broken hearts if you let him back. Be strong Missy!!!

Whatad Fri 05-Apr-19 07:44:24

@Merryoldgoat It's very likely that they split up for a time and got back together. These cunts are like boomerangs.

Whatad Fri 05-Apr-19 07:39:10

Good morning OP!
Can I first say that you sound like such an intelligent woman! You are 100% aware of what's going on and this time sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. And thank goodness for it!
I was in a similar relationship, except mercifully, I had no children with him.
It was like a bloody revolving door here. He'd wait just long enough for me to calm down, and then he'd be back like some poor abandoned pup at the door, looking to get in again!
I think I brought up the average amount of times to leave by a considerable amount, as this surely must have happened 30 times.

Reading your OP, I just knew, or sensed that he was violent too. My instant feeling was 'oh you're in for a hammering if you let him back honey'. That you revealed that he has indeed been violent makes it all the more pressing now that you keep him gone!

Mathanxiety has given you excellent advice.

Given that it took me about 30 times to finally dump my exes sorry ass, means that despite being a little slow, I have learned a lot about what it takes.

He will try every trick in the book. He has already pulled a few - e.g. the needing medication, saying the kids hate you etc.

I would NOT ENGAGE with him at all. Try to see every message from him as 'evidence' of what a twat and twunt he is. Do not under any circumstances feel sorry for him. You know what he's like and hopefully you are prepared for what is going to come. Because, as I'm sure you know yourself, it will come. He'll beg, he'll cry, he'll apologise, he'll tell you you're mad, he'll beg some more, he'll say he just wants to be there for the children, he'll tell you that you can't afford to live without him (you can if you make sure to claim maintenance from his horrible arse), that how could you survive on your own, he'll recall one good time you had and remind you, he'll recall another time where you needed him and how good he was etc. etc. etc. On and fucking on and fucking on. So you need to take Mathanxiety's advice re setting up a new email address for communication re access to the children and leave it at that. I'm not going to repeat the advice as she has said exactly what I would say.

I should warn you (which you might already know), that he'll try to get you at vulnerable times when you're not thinking straight e.g. 3am or 6am. Once he's back in that door, it's fucking back to square one again.

What you need to do is get a claim in immediately for the 2 children who are his. How he pays it is not your problem. If he's like me ex, he'll find another fool very quickly and get his boots under her table very soon. Make sure not to get sucked in at that point either (he might send you photos of them kissing or some such other nonsense).

I rarely give the advice to contact women's aid, but I will here. They will help you on the practical and financial side of things. Just for your convenience (might as well do it now while you're thinking about it) the number is 0808 2000 247. Give them a quick call why don't you? Be warned that it can be hard to get through, so you might just sit yourself down with a cuppa and sit in for the long haul lol.

I wish you the very best of luck in this new and amazing chapter in your life. You're stronger than you know and you are certainly stronger than he knows.

Much love and strength to you. x

mathanxiety Fri 05-Apr-19 04:34:46

hmm Gin96.

Merryoldgoat Fri 05-Apr-19 04:21:30

I’m a bit confused, all your children are under 13, you’ve been with him 13 years but only two are his?

Is the tenancy/mortgage in both names?

JeezOhGeeWhizz Fri 05-Apr-19 04:04:17

Pkease stop all contact with this manipulative loser. Never take him back, no matter what.

Namechangeforthiscancershit Mon 01-Apr-19 07:25:11

Seems pretty cut and dried to me to be honest.

I'm sure he can get his prescription replaced if he needs it RIGHT THIS SECOND.

You are not on a power trip. You are protecting yourself and your DC

Stay strong

Gin96 Mon 01-Apr-19 06:49:44

I don’t get why women have children with abusive men, assuming you knew he was abusive before you were pregnant? I would never have more than 2 children, it’s very difficult to manage with 4 on your own, especially now there is benifit cap at 2 children.

mathanxiety Mon 01-Apr-19 06:25:35

YY to suicide threats.
They will be fake.

mathanxiety Mon 01-Apr-19 06:23:34

Don't quote anything back.

Don't respond. The only thing he won't be able to deal with in this situation is silence and indifference.

He doesn't care if the OP loves him or hates him as long as he knows he has her attention and is still engaging with his mind games.

Motoko Sun 31-Mar-19 12:17:52

Another tactic to add to the list of trying to get you back, is suicide, either threatening it, or an actual attempt (but making sure you know he's doing it, so he doesn't succeed).

He doesn't want to kill himself, he just wants you to feel frightened that he will, and go back to him so he doesn't, because you will feel like it's your fault if he does.

It's a common tactic, so don't fall for it. And if he did actually kill himself, it's not your fault.

drogon1 Sun 31-Mar-19 09:15:14

Stay strong OP, your children will thank you for it in the long run. These things stick with them. My parents separated when I was 8 for the final time. My dad sounds like your ex. I used to wake up crying in the middle of the night as I'd dreamt they'd got back together!

We had absolutely naff all after dad went and my mum struggled to even afford basic stuff like food and heating but we had each other and the time when it was just me, my mum and my brother were some of the happiest times of my life. My point is that your kids will remember growing up in a happier environment with a happier mum x

Acis Sun 31-Mar-19 09:04:01

Now I'm getting "why are you having a power trip? You have mental issues! Why you been so difficult!

Quote back to him once his statement that he was never coming back, then ignore him.

Twisique Sun 31-Mar-19 08:34:34

If he gives you any reason at all - call the police. It will be helpful to you further down the line.

mathanxiety Sun 31-Mar-19 08:08:00

cheaperthebetter block him on your phone and stop the communication.

Before you block him, set up a new email address and tell him he can only use that for communication. Get back to him if at all every second or third day. He will soon lose interest.

No more discussion about who was happier, with whom, when - whatever... It is now over.
You have your truth and he has his... whatever it is that he has, his warped view of things. Let him go.

STOP RUNNING AROUND DOING THINGS FOR HIM.
He is having a laugh at you. Don't be a mug.

He can go to the chemist to get his own prescription.
He can sort out his own paperwork. He can get copies from wherever it all came from.
You are not to do one more thing for him.

Over the next few days/ weeks you can expect lots of attempts to
* romance you, make promises, apologise, play miserable,
* get you engaged with him (see the prescription and paperwork thing),
* sort out some crisis for him (he may become 'ill' or sustain an 'injury' or be 'mugged'),
* get angry with you,
* get very abusive either verbally or physically,
* threaten you, start badmouthing you to friends and family,
* show up at your work, harass you there or nearby, make prank calls,
* threaten the children,
* threaten to call SS on you, threaten to take the children from you.

Be prepared. Brace yourself and do not be tempted to give in to his bullying or to any apologies or promises.

Please get an occupation order so that you can stay in the house. He will find out his legal rights and you need to stay ahead of him.

It is really important to stop communicating with him, to stop accepting his calls, and stop replying to his texts.
You need to train yourself to focus on something other than him.
Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 for advice and support and to see if any of their programmes could help you.

JeezOhGeeWhizz Sat 30-Mar-19 14:16:31

Please don't take back someone who clearly has no respect for you, or anyone else.
Listen to what we and your kids are telling you.
He only wants to come back because he needs his home comforts, a fuck and someone to abuse.
Your children are surely more important than your need to cling on to this loser.

Motoko Sat 30-Mar-19 13:26:31

Know this: he will try any means possible to get you back, from lovebombing, promising to change, to anger, threats to get custody of the children, telling you no-one else will have you, you're an unfit mother, you're mental etc.

Realise these are all lies, he doesn't want to lose his control of you.

As he's been abusive, you need to keep safe. 2 women a week are murdered by their partners or ex partners, and leaving is the most dangerous time.. Some of those partners had never been physically abusive before, just emotionally abusive/controlling, so don't think that because the abuse hasn't been physical for a long time, it won't happen again. And if you take him back, his abuse will ramp up.
Make sure you're never alone with him, always have another adult with you if you have to see him.

Give Women's Aid a ring for advice.

wigglypiggly Sat 30-Mar-19 10:39:30

Block his number, get a new phone if you need to. Seek legal advice if there is property involved and for decisions around visiting the DC, child support and practical stuff. . What's the house situation? Why cant he get his own prescription. Do you have someone who can sit with you while he comes round to collect all his stuff.

Lilymossflower Sat 30-Mar-19 10:37:25

Talk to womens aid or similar charity for your area. Even though he has t been physically abusive in a long time, the psychological effects of his long time behaviour is no small thing. Support to ya! Ya strong

Lilymossflower Sat 30-Mar-19 10:32:59

NEVER TAKE HIM BACK

By any means nessersary, make sure he never comes back.

Its u fair on the kids to have him back and forth and inconsistent flaky and abusive behaviour

Really, completely never let him back. If he wants to see kids set up a consistent day/time each week where he sees them without you there. However if the kids don't want to see him , just make him fuck off!
Look into the legal side of things In case he threatens bullshit custody bullshit

Happynow001 Sat 30-Mar-19 10:17:26

@theresafoxunderthedecking
That's such a good idea - good thinking - and more fool him!! 😀

BorsetshireBlew Sat 30-Mar-19 10:12:43

The ONLY reason you would be agreeing to take him back is because he wants you to. Why do you think you and the kids matter so little that his wishes are more important than any of yours?

GreenTulips Sat 30-Mar-19 10:10:07

You don’t have to answer the phone

You don’t have to get his prescription - take it he has legs?

Where is he? Back at DMs?

Don’t take him back, keep busy and enjoy the freedom

theresafoxunderthedecking Sat 30-Mar-19 10:05:50

incidently meant to say, i bagged my ex's stuff up when he was due to collect. when i saw his car i put the stuff the front door and photographed it. before going back indoors. and filmed him picking it up and going to his car. when he complained to his solicitor there was supposed to be 5 bags but i'd only left 3 out, he looked stupid as the solicitor requested my 'evidence' and ex lost all credibility.
do not leave it on his door step though. if you take it to him make sure you have back up waiting / watching near by.

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