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He wants to come back, but I don't want him back, nor do the DC

(112 Posts)
cheaperthebetter Thu 28-Mar-19 14:15:53

Hi all,

So he left a week gone yesterday, due to him calling me a 'snake' slag basically because I never answered the phone to him! (Phone in bag actually never heard it!) was with DD at her activity club.
Anyways on the day he left he said "I'm never coming back you know, also I won't be chasing you" I told him " good as I don't want you back nor do I want you to chase me!"
Fast forward, over the last few days he's been really nice (he's chasing btw) so I've been amicable for DC, he keeps suggesting 'why don't we do this on that day' 'that on this day' and when I say "No" as made other plans he starts to 'sigh' and make me feel guilty, to which I actually AM!

I've spoke to DC (4) ages 12,11,9 and 8, they don't want him back living with us, in their words he is 'grumpy, moody, demanding (constantly asks the kids to get him this that and the other eg drink, snack etc) selfish, lazy too,
And they are so RIGHT in their opinions.
Since he has gone, me and DC have had just relaxed and chilled out and the atmosphere in the house is LOVELY!

AIBU by saying to him " YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK CAUSE 'WE' ARE HAPPIER NOW YOU HAVE GONE!"
I know I will feel awful saying this but it's true!

Motoko Sun 31-Mar-19 12:17:52

Another tactic to add to the list of trying to get you back, is suicide, either threatening it, or an actual attempt (but making sure you know he's doing it, so he doesn't succeed).

He doesn't want to kill himself, he just wants you to feel frightened that he will, and go back to him so he doesn't, because you will feel like it's your fault if he does.

It's a common tactic, so don't fall for it. And if he did actually kill himself, it's not your fault.

mathanxiety Mon 01-Apr-19 06:23:34

Don't quote anything back.

Don't respond. The only thing he won't be able to deal with in this situation is silence and indifference.

He doesn't care if the OP loves him or hates him as long as he knows he has her attention and is still engaging with his mind games.

mathanxiety Mon 01-Apr-19 06:25:35

YY to suicide threats.
They will be fake.

Gin96 Mon 01-Apr-19 06:49:44

I don’t get why women have children with abusive men, assuming you knew he was abusive before you were pregnant? I would never have more than 2 children, it’s very difficult to manage with 4 on your own, especially now there is benifit cap at 2 children.

Namechangeforthiscancershit Mon 01-Apr-19 07:25:11

Seems pretty cut and dried to me to be honest.

I'm sure he can get his prescription replaced if he needs it RIGHT THIS SECOND.

You are not on a power trip. You are protecting yourself and your DC

Stay strong

JeezOhGeeWhizz Fri 05-Apr-19 04:04:17

Pkease stop all contact with this manipulative loser. Never take him back, no matter what.

Merryoldgoat Fri 05-Apr-19 04:21:30

I’m a bit confused, all your children are under 13, you’ve been with him 13 years but only two are his?

Is the tenancy/mortgage in both names?

mathanxiety Fri 05-Apr-19 04:34:46

hmm Gin96.

Whatad Fri 05-Apr-19 07:39:10

Good morning OP!
Can I first say that you sound like such an intelligent woman! You are 100% aware of what's going on and this time sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. And thank goodness for it!
I was in a similar relationship, except mercifully, I had no children with him.
It was like a bloody revolving door here. He'd wait just long enough for me to calm down, and then he'd be back like some poor abandoned pup at the door, looking to get in again!
I think I brought up the average amount of times to leave by a considerable amount, as this surely must have happened 30 times.

Reading your OP, I just knew, or sensed that he was violent too. My instant feeling was 'oh you're in for a hammering if you let him back honey'. That you revealed that he has indeed been violent makes it all the more pressing now that you keep him gone!

Mathanxiety has given you excellent advice.

Given that it took me about 30 times to finally dump my exes sorry ass, means that despite being a little slow, I have learned a lot about what it takes.

He will try every trick in the book. He has already pulled a few - e.g. the needing medication, saying the kids hate you etc.

I would NOT ENGAGE with him at all. Try to see every message from him as 'evidence' of what a twat and twunt he is. Do not under any circumstances feel sorry for him. You know what he's like and hopefully you are prepared for what is going to come. Because, as I'm sure you know yourself, it will come. He'll beg, he'll cry, he'll apologise, he'll tell you you're mad, he'll beg some more, he'll say he just wants to be there for the children, he'll tell you that you can't afford to live without him (you can if you make sure to claim maintenance from his horrible arse), that how could you survive on your own, he'll recall one good time you had and remind you, he'll recall another time where you needed him and how good he was etc. etc. etc. On and fucking on and fucking on. So you need to take Mathanxiety's advice re setting up a new email address for communication re access to the children and leave it at that. I'm not going to repeat the advice as she has said exactly what I would say.

I should warn you (which you might already know), that he'll try to get you at vulnerable times when you're not thinking straight e.g. 3am or 6am. Once he's back in that door, it's fucking back to square one again.

What you need to do is get a claim in immediately for the 2 children who are his. How he pays it is not your problem. If he's like me ex, he'll find another fool very quickly and get his boots under her table very soon. Make sure not to get sucked in at that point either (he might send you photos of them kissing or some such other nonsense).

I rarely give the advice to contact women's aid, but I will here. They will help you on the practical and financial side of things. Just for your convenience (might as well do it now while you're thinking about it) the number is 0808 2000 247. Give them a quick call why don't you? Be warned that it can be hard to get through, so you might just sit yourself down with a cuppa and sit in for the long haul lol.

I wish you the very best of luck in this new and amazing chapter in your life. You're stronger than you know and you are certainly stronger than he knows.

Much love and strength to you. x

Whatad Fri 05-Apr-19 07:44:24

@Merryoldgoat It's very likely that they split up for a time and got back together. These cunts are like boomerangs.

Whatad Fri 05-Apr-19 07:49:18

And if you find yourself wavering just think of your children's happy faces now, compared to their poor little broken hearts if you let him back. Be strong Missy!!!

Merryoldgoat Fri 05-Apr-19 08:58:33

@Whatad

I suppose they are. I won’t pretend to understand what these relationships can be like - I’ve never been in an abusive relationship but can imagine things are not as they appear.

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