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He wants to come back, but I don't want him back, nor do the DC

(112 Posts)
cheaperthebetter Thu 28-Mar-19 14:15:53

Hi all,

So he left a week gone yesterday, due to him calling me a 'snake' slag basically because I never answered the phone to him! (Phone in bag actually never heard it!) was with DD at her activity club.
Anyways on the day he left he said "I'm never coming back you know, also I won't be chasing you" I told him " good as I don't want you back nor do I want you to chase me!"
Fast forward, over the last few days he's been really nice (he's chasing btw) so I've been amicable for DC, he keeps suggesting 'why don't we do this on that day' 'that on this day' and when I say "No" as made other plans he starts to 'sigh' and make me feel guilty, to which I actually AM!

I've spoke to DC (4) ages 12,11,9 and 8, they don't want him back living with us, in their words he is 'grumpy, moody, demanding (constantly asks the kids to get him this that and the other eg drink, snack etc) selfish, lazy too,
And they are so RIGHT in their opinions.
Since he has gone, me and DC have had just relaxed and chilled out and the atmosphere in the house is LOVELY!

I know I will feel awful saying this but it's true!

UnderMajorDomoMinor Thu 28-Mar-19 14:44:36

Then back he does not come!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 28-Mar-19 14:45:25

Stop feeling guilty right now. He's trained you to feel this way.

Stop taking him back; you said yourself that you and the DC are happier without him.

Put them first. Yourself second. Him last.

AllMYSmellySocks Thu 28-Mar-19 14:46:01

He sounds vile. My advice would be to not engage in any emotional conversation with him. Only discuss practical matters. Make it clear that the separation is final. You may well feel guilty but those feelings will pass. He is a dick head and caused all of this himself. You're no longer his partner and you're not responsible for his emotional well being. I would do all you can to finalise the separation. Have him collect his belongings. Arrange maintenance. If you're married speak to a solicitor.

Singlenotsingle Thu 28-Mar-19 14:46:28

He should have thought of that before he went! He's had his chances....none left! What a plank!

AlwaysCheddar Thu 28-Mar-19 14:46:56

Stay the hell awY from him!

BlackCatSleeping Thu 28-Mar-19 14:49:32

You really have nothing to feel guilty about. This is all his doing.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen Thu 28-Mar-19 14:50:22

On your way, rogue!

eurgh Thu 28-Mar-19 14:51:40

I'm confused why you posted...? Genuinely. Not being goady or mean but you don't want him, the kids don't want him. So what's the question? Why would you consider having him back?

BlackCatSleeping Thu 28-Mar-19 14:54:20

I'm confused why you posted...?

Maybe she's just looking for some support.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin Thu 28-Mar-19 14:56:16

I'm confused why you posted...? Genuinely. Not being goady or mean but you don't want him, the kids don't want him. So what's the question? Why would you consider having him back?


TheFrontHoleIsConnectedToThe Thu 28-Mar-19 14:58:37

glitterballglitterballglitterball Sadly Mn does not have a big CONGRATS banner emoji so I will be content with this. Good luck OP, not that you need it. He made it easy for you by fucking off .Don't let him back. glitterballglitterballglitterballglitterballglitterballglitterballglitterballglitterballglitterball

TheFrontHoleIsConnectedToThe Thu 28-Mar-19 15:00:00

I'm confused why you posted...? Genuinely. Not being goady or mean but you don't want him, the kids don't want him. So what's the question? Why would you consider having him back?

Sometimes it's nice to share. Sometimes you still need support for the other stuff (money and all the hassle you know he will give you).

So what.

PutyourtoponTrevor Thu 28-Mar-19 15:00:55

Why does anyone post on here? For support, to vent, to get it off their chest. Always get the arseholes asking why you've posted?

CigarsofthePharoahs Thu 28-Mar-19 15:07:39

Sounds like he's had more than enough chances and blown them all.
You're all happier with him gone - he stays gone.

LovingLola Thu 28-Mar-19 15:11:42

How many times has he gone and you’ve taken him back ?
Do either of you have any idea of the emotional damage you are both inflicting on your children?

Dimsumlosesum Thu 28-Mar-19 15:19:33

Always get the arseholes asking why you've posted?


OP, life will be so, so much happier for you and your children!! I wish my mum had been happy to be on her own with us too, unfortunately she just kept taking my dad back. It was utter hell. We would've been so, so much happier without him and his nastiness, etc.

John470322 Thu 28-Mar-19 15:20:00

It seems so clear. You are happier, your children are happier, it seems that him not living and apparently treating the children as servants is a better situation for all of you.

Chocolateisfab Thu 28-Mar-19 15:20:17

My ex left once. Came back at my request /begging.
Left again. Can back like he had done me a huge favour.
Lasted a few weeks and I caught him out on a huge lie.
Was very satisfying to be the one to throw him out!!
Cried for 3 weeks solid, then the black cloud lifted and our home became a great place to come home to!!

Dimsumlosesum Thu 28-Mar-19 15:20:41

Do either of you have any idea of the emotional damage you are both inflicting on your children?

Oh do be quite. Yes, because life is so easy and black and white like that. Eyeroll.

outpinked Thu 28-Mar-19 15:22:02

Everyone is happier without him there so it’s a no brainer to never let him return. Sounds like a relief if anything, for you and the children!

scarbados Thu 28-Mar-19 15:22:40

You are definitely NBU.

Wise words from a 12-year old I used to know - 'How can she expect me to respect her when she can't respect herself. He leaves us and as soon as we're getting settled and being happy, she lets him back. 3 weeks later he's being a twat to us all again'.

StormTreader Thu 28-Mar-19 15:28:44

My top tip for these things? Change his contact name in your phone to "the thing" that made you actually get him out.
Seeing every message come up from "You're a snake slag!" or "I won't be chasing you, you know" will help keep any lingering feelings at bay.

Lovemusic33 Thu 28-Mar-19 15:32:03

You know the answer to your post? No one here is going to say “give him another chance”, the fact your kids don’t want him back is enough in it’s own to not take him back.

mathanxiety Thu 28-Mar-19 15:34:28

It's very normal and natural to feel a bit wobbly when something really big like this happens, and in your case it was basically sprung on you by him so it's not something you planned, even though deep down you may have wanted it, and even though you are feeling much the better for it on many levels. Women are conditioned not to rock the boat, and when a relationship has gone on long enough to include four children the oldest of whom is 12, putting an end to it when he is dangling the alternative in front of you can feel like the mother and father of rocking the boat.
(This is why the OP posted, I suspect).

cheaperthebetter, you seem very aware of what he is doing here (chasing you) so I suspect he has played this game before (of creating distance and then coming back, even in an emotional sense) and he has every expectation that you will play along this time. It is no doubt coming as a huge surprise to him that you are standing your ground.

PLEASE STAY STRONG and do not be taken in by any promises of change, and especially, when he starts to get angry and starts to feel victimised here (as he will) please do not feel so afraid that you give in.

Pack any stuff of his that he left behind. Leave it outside. Tell him where it is. If you have a front garden to leave it, that's great. Make sure you have a friend or family member with you when he comes to pick it up (arrange a time). If there is a neutral place where you could have a friend or family member bring it to him at a prearraanged time that would be much better.

You need to talk to your family and friends about what has happened and ask for support. Tell them you are not looking for arguments about why he should be given another chance or suggestions that he is in a bad way now, nowhere to stay, whatever. Just ask them to back you up.

Set up a new email address just for him to use. Don't respond to any more calls or texts from him apart from the text you send telling him no means no, and the relationship is over, and giving him details about the new email address he is to use to contact you from now on.

I agree with those saying keep the DCs out of this. Sit them down and tell them what is happening but emphasise that this was your decision. Thank them for being honest with you about how they feel.

You could apologise to them for letting things go on for so long when they were miserable. I know his behaviour wasn't your fault, but a parent can teach a valuable lesson even in the least promising of situations, and this way you assert yourself as a protector of the children, which is important when dealing with a man like your stbx and it's important for the children to know they have a protective parent.

See a solicitor and CAB.
You need advice about contact with the DCs, about getting him off the lease if you rent, about who may live in the home (residential order) if you own your home, whether you can change the locks (a landlord might be willing to do this for you). Also about divorce proceedings if you are married.
Who owns your home? Financial advice is needed.

mathanxiety Thu 28-Mar-19 15:37:53

Could those directing harsh comments at the OP wrt her children please pause a minute and remember that it takes the average abused woman seven attempts to end a relationship with an abusive man.

Go and do a bit of research on the cycle of abuse /why women stay and then come back on your high horses.

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