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He wants to come back, but I don't want him back, nor do the DC

(112 Posts)
cheaperthebetter Thu 28-Mar-19 14:15:53

Hi all,

So he left a week gone yesterday, due to him calling me a 'snake' slag basically because I never answered the phone to him! (Phone in bag actually never heard it!) was with DD at her activity club.
Anyways on the day he left he said "I'm never coming back you know, also I won't be chasing you" I told him " good as I don't want you back nor do I want you to chase me!"
Fast forward, over the last few days he's been really nice (he's chasing btw) so I've been amicable for DC, he keeps suggesting 'why don't we do this on that day' 'that on this day' and when I say "No" as made other plans he starts to 'sigh' and make me feel guilty, to which I actually AM!

I've spoke to DC (4) ages 12,11,9 and 8, they don't want him back living with us, in their words he is 'grumpy, moody, demanding (constantly asks the kids to get him this that and the other eg drink, snack etc) selfish, lazy too,
And they are so RIGHT in their opinions.
Since he has gone, me and DC have had just relaxed and chilled out and the atmosphere in the house is LOVELY!

I know I will feel awful saying this but it's true!

cheaperthebetter Thu 28-Mar-19 14:17:06

Also all the other times I've had him back NOTHING changes!
Literally only for the first few weeks

BaronessBomburst Thu 28-Mar-19 14:18:24

Don't have him back then!

purpleboy Thu 28-Mar-19 14:19:33

YANBU the children are your priority and the children are happier without him in the house. That's all you need to know.
Your doing the right thing, and deep down you know it, don't allow those thought of guilt to take over, they are not real.

ChicCroissant Thu 28-Mar-19 14:19:54

Also all the other times I've had him back NOTHING changes!

Stop putting your children through this OP.

PerpendicularVincent Thu 28-Mar-19 14:20:14

YANBU at all. I am glad you and the DC are happy now flowers

mbosnz Thu 28-Mar-19 14:20:49

He's made his bed, he can lie in it. Alone.. .

Aquamarine1029 Thu 28-Mar-19 14:21:23

You SHOULD tell him you're happier without him and he is not coming back. Why keep making the same stupid mistake? He's gone and he needs to stay gone.

Ribbonsonabox Thu 28-Mar-19 14:21:47

YANBU dont have him back. He sounds awful. Why waste your and your DCs lives being miserable?

TORDEVAN Thu 28-Mar-19 14:22:17

I wouldn't say 'we', but yes don't have him back. Don't put the children in the middle whilst it's avoidable (speaking from a past of being one of the children put in the middle).

PinkHeart5914 Thu 28-Mar-19 14:22:32

No say just that “We are happier without you” end of discussion

He mad his bed, so now he can enjoy sleeping in it....

TheABC Thu 28-Mar-19 14:23:42

Stop feeling guilty. You can choose to end the relationship just if you want to: your feelings are equal to his.

Don't take him back. Just tell him it's over (because he was clearly trying to mess with your head when he walked out) and tell him when pick his stuff up from the doorstep.

If you have not already, get a plan in place for maintenance and contact. He sounds like the sort who will try and dick you over about it.

mummymeister Thu 28-Mar-19 14:23:42

make a decision and stick with it. its horrible to be a child in the family where one or other parent leaves. it puts you on edge and your kids are telling you this.

he has gone. move on and tell him what you are doing and why. but do stick to your decision.

WWWWicked Thu 28-Mar-19 14:26:20

Time to start putting your children before your love life for a change.

Obviously don't have him back.

GroggyLegs Thu 28-Mar-19 14:26:55

He called you a snake slag with zero shits given.

You're feeling guilty about telling him that it's better for everyone that you're no longer together, and you don't want to be with him.

There's something wrong there. Why are his hurty feelings more important than your kids & your happiness?

GetOffTheRoof Thu 28-Mar-19 14:32:07

Don't take him back. I begged my mum not to take my dad back but she did. Several times. It would have been better all round if she hadn't.

Listen to your children, and what you already know yourself.

zoellafortitude Thu 28-Mar-19 14:33:49

Well, it seems pretty unanimous, so I'd go with the not having him back, OP, and enjoy your new-found peace and quiet!

NoCauseRebel Thu 28-Mar-19 14:34:20

Is he the children’s father? Because if so you are totally out of order involving them in this decision. They will tell you what they think you want to hear and it is unfair and I would say bordering on abusive to put them in the middle like this.

However you don’t have to take him back if you don’t want to. But you have to base that on what you want and leave the DC out of it.

Chocolateisfab Thu 28-Mar-19 14:34:59

Ime it is very very liberating dumping a miserable twat!!

RandomMess Thu 28-Mar-19 14:36:45

Please leave the DC out of the comments but yes tell him that the relationship is over.

Smelborp Thu 28-Mar-19 14:37:07

I would be quite formal and say it’s not appropriate to do family things as he has left and you are not together anymore.

Chances are, his pride won’t allow to ask to be taken back and you can go on in life without him.

AlwaysColdHands Thu 28-Mar-19 14:42:11

Please do it. I have really happy memories of my childhood for a short time ages about 10-11 after my Dad left. Then he came back and that was the end of feeling happy and relaxed in my home until I was 18 sad

Amongstthetallgrass Thu 28-Mar-19 14:42:56

I could never ever Imagine my DH calling me a slag. And we’ve had some bad rows.

It’s a disgusting word. It sounds like it’s not the first time tbh.

If you take him back you are showing your kids that this is how men are supposed to treat their wives. Can you imagine your daughters being called this or your sons calling their wives this??

AnneOfCleanTables Thu 28-Mar-19 14:43:41

Is he the DCs' dad? You're sending very mixed signals to everyone. He's only been gone a week and you've already had conversations over a few days about joint activities.
Stop answering his calls. Make an arrangement for him to see the DCs. Talk about maintenance and practical steps to cement the split. If need be, ask a relative to be there when he comes to collect/see DCs.

Drum2018 Thu 28-Mar-19 14:43:57

All the other times ?? How many times has he left? Talk about the boy who cried wolf - well it's backfired on him this time. Let him sod off. You and the kids deserve to be happy and if he willingly left then that's his problem. Don't be a doormat.

UnderMajorDomoMinor Thu 28-Mar-19 14:44:36

Then back he does not come!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 28-Mar-19 14:45:25

Stop feeling guilty right now. He's trained you to feel this way.

Stop taking him back; you said yourself that you and the DC are happier without him.

Put them first. Yourself second. Him last.

AllMYSmellySocks Thu 28-Mar-19 14:46:01

He sounds vile. My advice would be to not engage in any emotional conversation with him. Only discuss practical matters. Make it clear that the separation is final. You may well feel guilty but those feelings will pass. He is a dick head and caused all of this himself. You're no longer his partner and you're not responsible for his emotional well being. I would do all you can to finalise the separation. Have him collect his belongings. Arrange maintenance. If you're married speak to a solicitor.

Singlenotsingle Thu 28-Mar-19 14:46:28

He should have thought of that before he went! He's had his chances....none left! What a plank!

AlwaysCheddar Thu 28-Mar-19 14:46:56

Stay the hell awY from him!

BlackCatSleeping Thu 28-Mar-19 14:49:32

You really have nothing to feel guilty about. This is all his doing.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen Thu 28-Mar-19 14:50:22

On your way, rogue!

eurgh Thu 28-Mar-19 14:51:40

I'm confused why you posted...? Genuinely. Not being goady or mean but you don't want him, the kids don't want him. So what's the question? Why would you consider having him back?

BlackCatSleeping Thu 28-Mar-19 14:54:20

I'm confused why you posted...?

Maybe she's just looking for some support.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin Thu 28-Mar-19 14:56:16

I'm confused why you posted...? Genuinely. Not being goady or mean but you don't want him, the kids don't want him. So what's the question? Why would you consider having him back?


TheFrontHoleIsConnectedToThe Thu 28-Mar-19 14:58:37

glitterballglitterballglitterball Sadly Mn does not have a big CONGRATS banner emoji so I will be content with this. Good luck OP, not that you need it. He made it easy for you by fucking off .Don't let him back. glitterballglitterballglitterballglitterballglitterballglitterballglitterballglitterballglitterball

TheFrontHoleIsConnectedToThe Thu 28-Mar-19 15:00:00

I'm confused why you posted...? Genuinely. Not being goady or mean but you don't want him, the kids don't want him. So what's the question? Why would you consider having him back?

Sometimes it's nice to share. Sometimes you still need support for the other stuff (money and all the hassle you know he will give you).

So what.

PutyourtoponTrevor Thu 28-Mar-19 15:00:55

Why does anyone post on here? For support, to vent, to get it off their chest. Always get the arseholes asking why you've posted?

CigarsofthePharoahs Thu 28-Mar-19 15:07:39

Sounds like he's had more than enough chances and blown them all.
You're all happier with him gone - he stays gone.

LovingLola Thu 28-Mar-19 15:11:42

How many times has he gone and you’ve taken him back ?
Do either of you have any idea of the emotional damage you are both inflicting on your children?

Dimsumlosesum Thu 28-Mar-19 15:19:33

Always get the arseholes asking why you've posted?


OP, life will be so, so much happier for you and your children!! I wish my mum had been happy to be on her own with us too, unfortunately she just kept taking my dad back. It was utter hell. We would've been so, so much happier without him and his nastiness, etc.

John470322 Thu 28-Mar-19 15:20:00

It seems so clear. You are happier, your children are happier, it seems that him not living and apparently treating the children as servants is a better situation for all of you.

Chocolateisfab Thu 28-Mar-19 15:20:17

My ex left once. Came back at my request /begging.
Left again. Can back like he had done me a huge favour.
Lasted a few weeks and I caught him out on a huge lie.
Was very satisfying to be the one to throw him out!!
Cried for 3 weeks solid, then the black cloud lifted and our home became a great place to come home to!!

Dimsumlosesum Thu 28-Mar-19 15:20:41

Do either of you have any idea of the emotional damage you are both inflicting on your children?

Oh do be quite. Yes, because life is so easy and black and white like that. Eyeroll.

outpinked Thu 28-Mar-19 15:22:02

Everyone is happier without him there so it’s a no brainer to never let him return. Sounds like a relief if anything, for you and the children!

scarbados Thu 28-Mar-19 15:22:40

You are definitely NBU.

Wise words from a 12-year old I used to know - 'How can she expect me to respect her when she can't respect herself. He leaves us and as soon as we're getting settled and being happy, she lets him back. 3 weeks later he's being a twat to us all again'.

StormTreader Thu 28-Mar-19 15:28:44

My top tip for these things? Change his contact name in your phone to "the thing" that made you actually get him out.
Seeing every message come up from "You're a snake slag!" or "I won't be chasing you, you know" will help keep any lingering feelings at bay.

Lovemusic33 Thu 28-Mar-19 15:32:03

You know the answer to your post? No one here is going to say “give him another chance”, the fact your kids don’t want him back is enough in it’s own to not take him back.

mathanxiety Thu 28-Mar-19 15:34:28

It's very normal and natural to feel a bit wobbly when something really big like this happens, and in your case it was basically sprung on you by him so it's not something you planned, even though deep down you may have wanted it, and even though you are feeling much the better for it on many levels. Women are conditioned not to rock the boat, and when a relationship has gone on long enough to include four children the oldest of whom is 12, putting an end to it when he is dangling the alternative in front of you can feel like the mother and father of rocking the boat.
(This is why the OP posted, I suspect).

cheaperthebetter, you seem very aware of what he is doing here (chasing you) so I suspect he has played this game before (of creating distance and then coming back, even in an emotional sense) and he has every expectation that you will play along this time. It is no doubt coming as a huge surprise to him that you are standing your ground.

PLEASE STAY STRONG and do not be taken in by any promises of change, and especially, when he starts to get angry and starts to feel victimised here (as he will) please do not feel so afraid that you give in.

Pack any stuff of his that he left behind. Leave it outside. Tell him where it is. If you have a front garden to leave it, that's great. Make sure you have a friend or family member with you when he comes to pick it up (arrange a time). If there is a neutral place where you could have a friend or family member bring it to him at a prearraanged time that would be much better.

You need to talk to your family and friends about what has happened and ask for support. Tell them you are not looking for arguments about why he should be given another chance or suggestions that he is in a bad way now, nowhere to stay, whatever. Just ask them to back you up.

Set up a new email address just for him to use. Don't respond to any more calls or texts from him apart from the text you send telling him no means no, and the relationship is over, and giving him details about the new email address he is to use to contact you from now on.

I agree with those saying keep the DCs out of this. Sit them down and tell them what is happening but emphasise that this was your decision. Thank them for being honest with you about how they feel.

You could apologise to them for letting things go on for so long when they were miserable. I know his behaviour wasn't your fault, but a parent can teach a valuable lesson even in the least promising of situations, and this way you assert yourself as a protector of the children, which is important when dealing with a man like your stbx and it's important for the children to know they have a protective parent.

See a solicitor and CAB.
You need advice about contact with the DCs, about getting him off the lease if you rent, about who may live in the home (residential order) if you own your home, whether you can change the locks (a landlord might be willing to do this for you). Also about divorce proceedings if you are married.
Who owns your home? Financial advice is needed.

mathanxiety Thu 28-Mar-19 15:37:53

Could those directing harsh comments at the OP wrt her children please pause a minute and remember that it takes the average abused woman seven attempts to end a relationship with an abusive man.

Go and do a bit of research on the cycle of abuse /why women stay and then come back on your high horses.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Thu 28-Mar-19 15:51:05

Who owns the house ? -rememebr if it's jointly owned you cant keep him out. if the rent book is in your name or the tenancy agreement, a differnt matter of course.

Who holds the purse strings? Can you afford to fly solo?

qazxc Thu 28-Mar-19 16:01:41

It's normal to feel a bit wobbly when ending a relationship but seeing as both you and the children are happier, it's for the best.
Tell him that the relationship is over, sort him getting any stuff back that is his/ child maintenance or visitation, if applicable.
You do not have to be doing things with him, in fact probably better to keep him at arms length until he gets the message.
My gran's advice was in those type of situations to "keep your side of the street clean" and while sometimes you have to bite your tongue you feel better about it in the long run if you keep the moral high ground.

SeventhWave Thu 28-Mar-19 16:08:01

Neither you nor any of your four children want him back. Does he still have a key? If so, then get the locks changed.

starsurge Thu 28-Mar-19 16:14:03

Could those directing harsh comments at the OP wrt her children please pause a minute and remember that it takes the average abused woman seven attempts to end a relationship with an abusive man.


TheFaerieQueene Thu 28-Mar-19 16:17:26

Why do you feel any guiit? He is the architect of his own misfortunes.

pointythings Thu 28-Mar-19 16:19:30

Don't take him back. Take the moral high ground and calmly tell him that you are divorcing him. You all deserve better than this.

hazell42 Thu 28-Mar-19 16:29:08

My husband left and sulked at his dads for 2 weeks while he waited for me to beg him to come home. Suddenly dawned on him I wasnt going to, so he gave a big dramatic sigh and said, I suppose I'd better come home for the sake of the kids.
Er,,no thanks. We are much happier without you. That was over 10 years ago and I have never regretted not begging him to come home. He was miserable. The only thing he enjoyed in life was making us more miserable than he was
Well rid.

eurgh Thu 28-Mar-19 16:45:01

I'm really sorry if my comment came over arseholey - I genuinely am not one of 'those' posters. I could definitely have worded better. I'm all for women seeking support and I do not begrudge it one bit. I just wasn't sure if you were looking for support or whether you were considering letting him back etc

Aeroflotgirl Thu 28-Mar-19 16:47:09

Right, the children are happy, that is all you need to worry about! No need to let this waste of space back in your life. You are all happy and that is the main thing!

GruciusMalfoy Thu 28-Mar-19 16:49:56

YANBU. I wish my mum had come to this conclusion quicker. My dad sounds like your (ex?) partner: grumpy, selfish, demanding and a misery to be around. Enjoy your newfound freedom, you've nothing to feel guilty over.

teyem Thu 28-Mar-19 16:53:15

You just need to bag that guilt up and dump it with his belongings. It's the only thing between you and the kids having the life you want.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 28-Mar-19 17:07:00

"Also all the other times I've had him back NOTHING changes!"
So this is a regular routine for him then? Leaves as a way to punish you for not being a good little skivvy and a doormat?

I've always loved the saying "Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes." (Bear with me!) So if you don't change - if you continue to take him back - then your situation won't change and you'll be tied to a lazy abusive arsewipe that your children don't want and you don't want. So you need to change. You need to say 'no' and mean it. It sounds as if this may be the first time you've asked your children what they want? You now know that they don't want him back. Use that knowledge to strengthen your resolve. Change is hard - better the devil you know, and all those other unhelpful sayings. But this change - you know it's needed. Just keep telling him 'no' and keep meaning it.

CoraPirbright Thu 28-Mar-19 17:11:06

Is he the children’s father? Is that why you are being amicable for their benefit? If he is their dad, organise visitation in a proper, legal fashion. If he isnt their dad, you are just muddying the waters. Your kids dont like him - ghost the fucker!!

John470322 Thu 28-Mar-19 19:39:00

Could those directing harsh comments at the OP wrt her children please pause a minute and remember that it takes the average abused woman seven attempts to end a relationship with an abusive man.
Abuse is wrong and hurts the children as well as the woman. Get a lawyer if he is their father, and get it all sorted so he can no longer abuse you are your children.

mathanxiety Thu 28-Mar-19 19:50:42

But it is not the fault of the woman, John470322, and pouring responsibility on her head is unbelievably cruel.

Of course it hurts the children. Do you think an abused woman does not understand this hmm

Maybe engage the brain a little before heaping guilt on someone whose experience you have perhaps never shared?

ChicCroissant Thu 28-Mar-19 21:22:55

I think you only have to look at the comments on this thread from the children who have been in that position to see why so many point it out mathanxiety

PregnantSea Fri 29-Mar-19 00:06:00

YANBU. You have nothing to feel guilty about, he's just playing you to get what he wants. Do not take him back. If it's your house then change the locks. If it's his house then it may be time to start looking for somewhere else to live as you can't really keep him out.

mathanxiety Fri 29-Mar-19 00:10:17

ChicCroissant, I don't understand why it is being pointed out so harshly to a woman who has decided to shut the door on him and keep it shut.

As I said before, it's not as if abused women don't have an inkling of the damage being done to their children. There is no need at all to pile on with the heaping of guilt.

Nobody can change the past. What can be done is to resolve to make things better for the children in the future, and to stick to that resolution a woman needs support and encouragement.

barryfromclareisfit Fri 29-Mar-19 00:27:29

I’m glad you posted, OP. Your thread-title gave me a laugh.

ChicCroissant Fri 29-Mar-19 09:12:48

It's been pointed out because she hasn't shut the door on him just yet! She needs to tell him he's not coming back and she hasn't done that just yet, but hopefully soon. Also, the constant drama of him coming and going reminds me of a long-term poster who does this to her children a lot and I'm wondering if it is her hmm

Tattybear16 Fri 29-Mar-19 09:25:30

I listened to my kids the third time my exh tried to come back, wish I’d listened to them the first time. Best decision we ever jointly made, my 12 & 9 yr old had had enough so I listened. He was their dad but they didn’t want him, he didn’t care, spend time with them or love them like they needed from a dad. He left us constantly broke and verbally abused, he couldn’t stay out of a pub, and spent more time with his mates than his kids. They are 26 and 23 now. Do not feel guilty, you need to do this for your kids.

FinallyFluid Fri 29-Mar-19 09:36:05

Use the line I use with my teenager, when he wants a lift somewhere, but hadn't negotiated it or even mentioned it and you feel like a taxi driver.

Ahhh that would have been lovely, but sorry that doesn't work for me.

And then walk away.

JamieVardysHavingAParty Fri 29-Mar-19 09:56:33

A relationship needs both people to want to be in it to continue, and it only needs one person to end it.

A lot of women seem to feel obliged to remain in a given relationships for as long as the man wants to keep giving it a go. You don't need his agreement to be enetitled to end it.

You don't want him. The kids don't want you to want him. Your feelings matter.

Happynow001 Fri 29-Mar-19 09:59:29

* Also all the other times I've had him back NOTHING changes!*

Stop muddying the waters OP. You are sending everyone - especially your STBX - by letting him back in. He is just not taking you seriously and the children are probably confused by all this going back and forth.

Are you married OP?

Take some legal advice (discreetly) about where you stand financially with a divorce settlement, check what your benefits entitlements are and check with CMS about what child maintenance you can expect.

Take a copy of any financial documents he's left in your home (payslips, bank and pension statements, savings etc) to help get your financial stuff together for any claims you might make.

You may decide (I hope not) to have him back yet again but at least you'll be better aware of the situation if you followed through with a legal separation/divorce.

Do you have joint bank accounts with him - if so do consider quickly transferring about half of those funds to your own account (or open a new account he has no access to). If you are a SAHM do consider looking for a job so you can better support yourself and children.

Pack up his belongings and let him know they are ready for collection at a time convenient to you and start preparing for a life with as little communication as possible.

cheaperthebetter Fri 29-Mar-19 13:59:50

Thank you all so so much for your comments thanks..they meant a lot!

They meant that much too me I've told him IM DONE!

Maths anxiety;
Thank you for your post thanksand you were right on every aspect.

Now I'm getting the verbal abuse cause I have said we are happier without him and I'm done with his dictating and controlling ways.
Obviously he is saying the same thing but other way round! So when I say to him this and that about the way he is, he saying "no don't think so, kids were always happier when you wasn't there" (popped out for what ever reason, with 5 calls off him in that space of 30 mins)

Anyways he is trying EVERY excuse to literally find a reason to come over!

I need this paper work!
Told him will sort it all out and get it to him ASAP !
Now he needs his prescription picking up from chemist as needs them now!
Told him will pick it up and again get it to him today with paperwork!

Now I'm getting "why are you having a power trip? You have mental issues! Why you been so difficult!


Drum2018 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:12:05

He isn't liking the lack of control. Tough shit! You stay strong and just think of the happier life you will have. In fairness I'd lessen contact - don't be so available to him and his demands.

RomanyQueen1 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:17:54

Don't take him back and although it's hard don't tell him what the kids say.
Your relationship may be over but it sounds like he's just a pain and not a threat to his children.
I would encourage a relationship with their father and make contact between the two parents about the kids only.

RomanyQueen1 Fri 29-Mar-19 14:20:41

it's up to him to sort his paperwork and prescription.
get everything he may need take it over and leave it on his step.
Then answer emails only and about the dc, do not be drawn in, for the sake of your kids.

Backseatonthebus Fri 29-Mar-19 14:25:22

Don't get his prescription and don't engage with any of the other stuff he tries. Remember he is not your responsibility. Disengage from his nonsense, and start living your new life flowers

DorisDances Fri 29-Mar-19 14:27:22

Unravelling the relationship will be difficult but you sound great OP. Wishing you and your children a happy future

GroggyLegs Fri 29-Mar-19 14:33:35

Well done OP.
How do you feel now the words are out?

Of course he'll flip it all around & try to change history, but hold on to the truth. Everyone's happier without him and you owe him nothing.

You don't need to get his prescription, but if you do, swear to yourself it's the last favour he gets from you. And I totally agree with changing his name in your phone to whatever the trigger was that made you decide enough was enough. That's a great idea if you're feeling wobbly.

Good luck flowers

qazxc Fri 29-Mar-19 14:39:47

Disengage. Get all his stuff to him ASAP and from then on, unless it's about the children, it's not your problem.
Discussions about who is controlling or has mental issues or the kids prefer, are not helpful or constructive. If he continues bringing it up, put the phone down on him. If he is going to become a pest, set up an email address, and tell him that you will only communicate through this.

cheaperthebetter Sat 30-Mar-19 09:14:18

Hi all ... thanks to those with the supporting comments thanks

Reading through the comments give me the strength, when starting to feel weak.

Now I'm receiving messages of "miss you, love you" etc (eye roll)

Back ground; Not married been together 13 years, 2 DC are his other 2 not, was physically abusive at the start of the relationship for about 4 years, that stopped and carried on with mental and emotional abuse; controlling everything from money, to my friends, to what I should wear etc.

Over last 3 years or so I have stood up to him more, to which it was a constant battle day in day out sad

Honestly he is a like a serious, irritating rash that will not piss off sad

Hope this helps ?

Also yes this is the first time I asked the DC what they wanted thanks

BottleOfJameson Sat 30-Mar-19 09:25:45

Stay strong OP. There is no doubt you're doing the right thing. Do you actually have any need to communicate directly with him? If not block his number and communicate through a third party or via email.

JenniferJareau Sat 30-Mar-19 09:28:20

Stay strong. You will be so much better off without him flowers

Dungeondragon15 Sat 30-Mar-19 09:31:25

It sounds like a no-brainer. You and your children will be much happier if he doesn't come back so stay strong and refuse to let him come back.

I disagree with the posters who suggest you leave his stuff outside though. If anything gets damaged or stolen because of that it would really antagonise him and you would be responsible. I would pack all his stuff and arrange a time for him to come and collect it. Discuss with him what is and isn't his to try and ensure no disagreement. Make sure someone else is with you when he comes to collect and don't let him in if he arrives before or after this time. Hopefully, once all his stuff is gone he will realise that things are different this time.

theresafoxunderthedecking Sat 30-Mar-19 09:58:54

flowers for op for being so strong and determined, PLEASE stick to your guns this time, we are here for you and many of us have been through this shit, i for one, you are a strong woman and you have perceptive dc who need a strong mum. you CAN do this.

theresafoxunderthedecking Sat 30-Mar-19 10:05:50

incidently meant to say, i bagged my ex's stuff up when he was due to collect. when i saw his car i put the stuff the front door and photographed it. before going back indoors. and filmed him picking it up and going to his car. when he complained to his solicitor there was supposed to be 5 bags but i'd only left 3 out, he looked stupid as the solicitor requested my 'evidence' and ex lost all credibility.
do not leave it on his door step though. if you take it to him make sure you have back up waiting / watching near by.

GreenTulips Sat 30-Mar-19 10:10:07

You don’t have to answer the phone

You don’t have to get his prescription - take it he has legs?

Where is he? Back at DMs?

Don’t take him back, keep busy and enjoy the freedom

BorsetshireBlew Sat 30-Mar-19 10:12:43

The ONLY reason you would be agreeing to take him back is because he wants you to. Why do you think you and the kids matter so little that his wishes are more important than any of yours?

Happynow001 Sat 30-Mar-19 10:17:26

That's such a good idea - good thinking - and more fool him!! 😀

Lilymossflower Sat 30-Mar-19 10:32:59


By any means nessersary, make sure he never comes back.

Its u fair on the kids to have him back and forth and inconsistent flaky and abusive behaviour

Really, completely never let him back. If he wants to see kids set up a consistent day/time each week where he sees them without you there. However if the kids don't want to see him , just make him fuck off!
Look into the legal side of things In case he threatens bullshit custody bullshit

Lilymossflower Sat 30-Mar-19 10:37:25

Talk to womens aid or similar charity for your area. Even though he has t been physically abusive in a long time, the psychological effects of his long time behaviour is no small thing. Support to ya! Ya strong

wigglypiggly Sat 30-Mar-19 10:39:30

Block his number, get a new phone if you need to. Seek legal advice if there is property involved and for decisions around visiting the DC, child support and practical stuff. . What's the house situation? Why cant he get his own prescription. Do you have someone who can sit with you while he comes round to collect all his stuff.

Motoko Sat 30-Mar-19 13:26:31

Know this: he will try any means possible to get you back, from lovebombing, promising to change, to anger, threats to get custody of the children, telling you no-one else will have you, you're an unfit mother, you're mental etc.

Realise these are all lies, he doesn't want to lose his control of you.

As he's been abusive, you need to keep safe. 2 women a week are murdered by their partners or ex partners, and leaving is the most dangerous time.. Some of those partners had never been physically abusive before, just emotionally abusive/controlling, so don't think that because the abuse hasn't been physical for a long time, it won't happen again. And if you take him back, his abuse will ramp up.
Make sure you're never alone with him, always have another adult with you if you have to see him.

Give Women's Aid a ring for advice.

JeezOhGeeWhizz Sat 30-Mar-19 14:16:31

Please don't take back someone who clearly has no respect for you, or anyone else.
Listen to what we and your kids are telling you.
He only wants to come back because he needs his home comforts, a fuck and someone to abuse.
Your children are surely more important than your need to cling on to this loser.

mathanxiety Sun 31-Mar-19 08:08:00

cheaperthebetter block him on your phone and stop the communication.

Before you block him, set up a new email address and tell him he can only use that for communication. Get back to him if at all every second or third day. He will soon lose interest.

No more discussion about who was happier, with whom, when - whatever... It is now over.
You have your truth and he has his... whatever it is that he has, his warped view of things. Let him go.

He is having a laugh at you. Don't be a mug.

He can go to the chemist to get his own prescription.
He can sort out his own paperwork. He can get copies from wherever it all came from.
You are not to do one more thing for him.

Over the next few days/ weeks you can expect lots of attempts to
* romance you, make promises, apologise, play miserable,
* get you engaged with him (see the prescription and paperwork thing),
* sort out some crisis for him (he may become 'ill' or sustain an 'injury' or be 'mugged'),
* get angry with you,
* get very abusive either verbally or physically,
* threaten you, start badmouthing you to friends and family,
* show up at your work, harass you there or nearby, make prank calls,
* threaten the children,
* threaten to call SS on you, threaten to take the children from you.

Be prepared. Brace yourself and do not be tempted to give in to his bullying or to any apologies or promises.

Please get an occupation order so that you can stay in the house. He will find out his legal rights and you need to stay ahead of him.

It is really important to stop communicating with him, to stop accepting his calls, and stop replying to his texts.
You need to train yourself to focus on something other than him.
Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 for advice and support and to see if any of their programmes could help you.

Twisique Sun 31-Mar-19 08:34:34

If he gives you any reason at all - call the police. It will be helpful to you further down the line.

Acis Sun 31-Mar-19 09:04:01

Now I'm getting "why are you having a power trip? You have mental issues! Why you been so difficult!

Quote back to him once his statement that he was never coming back, then ignore him.

drogon1 Sun 31-Mar-19 09:15:14

Stay strong OP, your children will thank you for it in the long run. These things stick with them. My parents separated when I was 8 for the final time. My dad sounds like your ex. I used to wake up crying in the middle of the night as I'd dreamt they'd got back together!

We had absolutely naff all after dad went and my mum struggled to even afford basic stuff like food and heating but we had each other and the time when it was just me, my mum and my brother were some of the happiest times of my life. My point is that your kids will remember growing up in a happier environment with a happier mum x

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