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He wants to come back, but I don't want him back, nor do the DC

(112 Posts)
cheaperthebetter Thu 28-Mar-19 14:15:53

Hi all,

So he left a week gone yesterday, due to him calling me a 'snake' slag basically because I never answered the phone to him! (Phone in bag actually never heard it!) was with DD at her activity club.
Anyways on the day he left he said "I'm never coming back you know, also I won't be chasing you" I told him " good as I don't want you back nor do I want you to chase me!"
Fast forward, over the last few days he's been really nice (he's chasing btw) so I've been amicable for DC, he keeps suggesting 'why don't we do this on that day' 'that on this day' and when I say "No" as made other plans he starts to 'sigh' and make me feel guilty, to which I actually AM!

I've spoke to DC (4) ages 12,11,9 and 8, they don't want him back living with us, in their words he is 'grumpy, moody, demanding (constantly asks the kids to get him this that and the other eg drink, snack etc) selfish, lazy too,
And they are so RIGHT in their opinions.
Since he has gone, me and DC have had just relaxed and chilled out and the atmosphere in the house is LOVELY!

AIBU by saying to him " YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK CAUSE 'WE' ARE HAPPIER NOW YOU HAVE GONE!"
I know I will feel awful saying this but it's true!

cheaperthebetter Thu 28-Mar-19 14:17:06

Also all the other times I've had him back NOTHING changes!
Literally only for the first few weeks

BaronessBomburst Thu 28-Mar-19 14:18:24

Don't have him back then!

purpleboy Thu 28-Mar-19 14:19:33

YANBU the children are your priority and the children are happier without him in the house. That's all you need to know.
Your doing the right thing, and deep down you know it, don't allow those thought of guilt to take over, they are not real.

ChicCroissant Thu 28-Mar-19 14:19:54

Also all the other times I've had him back NOTHING changes!

Stop putting your children through this OP.

PerpendicularVincent Thu 28-Mar-19 14:20:14

YANBU at all. I am glad you and the DC are happy now flowers

mbosnz Thu 28-Mar-19 14:20:49

He's made his bed, he can lie in it. Alone.. .

Aquamarine1029 Thu 28-Mar-19 14:21:23

You SHOULD tell him you're happier without him and he is not coming back. Why keep making the same stupid mistake? He's gone and he needs to stay gone.

Ribbonsonabox Thu 28-Mar-19 14:21:47

YANBU dont have him back. He sounds awful. Why waste your and your DCs lives being miserable?

TORDEVAN Thu 28-Mar-19 14:22:17

I wouldn't say 'we', but yes don't have him back. Don't put the children in the middle whilst it's avoidable (speaking from a past of being one of the children put in the middle).

PinkHeart5914 Thu 28-Mar-19 14:22:32

No say just that “We are happier without you” end of discussion

He mad his bed, so now he can enjoy sleeping in it....

TheABC Thu 28-Mar-19 14:23:42

Stop feeling guilty. You can choose to end the relationship just if you want to: your feelings are equal to his.

Don't take him back. Just tell him it's over (because he was clearly trying to mess with your head when he walked out) and tell him when pick his stuff up from the doorstep.

If you have not already, get a plan in place for maintenance and contact. He sounds like the sort who will try and dick you over about it.

mummymeister Thu 28-Mar-19 14:23:42

make a decision and stick with it. its horrible to be a child in the family where one or other parent leaves. it puts you on edge and your kids are telling you this.

he has gone. move on and tell him what you are doing and why. but do stick to your decision.

WWWWicked Thu 28-Mar-19 14:26:20

Time to start putting your children before your love life for a change.

Obviously don't have him back.

GroggyLegs Thu 28-Mar-19 14:26:55

He called you a snake slag with zero shits given.

You're feeling guilty about telling him that it's better for everyone that you're no longer together, and you don't want to be with him.

There's something wrong there. Why are his hurty feelings more important than your kids & your happiness?

GetOffTheRoof Thu 28-Mar-19 14:32:07

Don't take him back. I begged my mum not to take my dad back but she did. Several times. It would have been better all round if she hadn't.

Listen to your children, and what you already know yourself.

zoellafortitude Thu 28-Mar-19 14:33:49

Well, it seems pretty unanimous, so I'd go with the not having him back, OP, and enjoy your new-found peace and quiet!

NoCauseRebel Thu 28-Mar-19 14:34:20

Is he the children’s father? Because if so you are totally out of order involving them in this decision. They will tell you what they think you want to hear and it is unfair and I would say bordering on abusive to put them in the middle like this.

However you don’t have to take him back if you don’t want to. But you have to base that on what you want and leave the DC out of it.

Chocolateisfab Thu 28-Mar-19 14:34:59

Ime it is very very liberating dumping a miserable twat!!

RandomMess Thu 28-Mar-19 14:36:45

Please leave the DC out of the comments but yes tell him that the relationship is over.

Smelborp Thu 28-Mar-19 14:37:07

I would be quite formal and say it’s not appropriate to do family things as he has left and you are not together anymore.

Chances are, his pride won’t allow to ask to be taken back and you can go on in life without him.

AlwaysColdHands Thu 28-Mar-19 14:42:11

Please do it. I have really happy memories of my childhood for a short time ages about 10-11 after my Dad left. Then he came back and that was the end of feeling happy and relaxed in my home until I was 18 sad

Amongstthetallgrass Thu 28-Mar-19 14:42:56

I could never ever Imagine my DH calling me a slag. And we’ve had some bad rows.

It’s a disgusting word. It sounds like it’s not the first time tbh.

If you take him back you are showing your kids that this is how men are supposed to treat their wives. Can you imagine your daughters being called this or your sons calling their wives this??

AnneOfCleanTables Thu 28-Mar-19 14:43:41

Is he the DCs' dad? You're sending very mixed signals to everyone. He's only been gone a week and you've already had conversations over a few days about joint activities.
Stop answering his calls. Make an arrangement for him to see the DCs. Talk about maintenance and practical steps to cement the split. If need be, ask a relative to be there when he comes to collect/see DCs.

Drum2018 Thu 28-Mar-19 14:43:57

All the other times ?? How many times has he left? Talk about the boy who cried wolf - well it's backfired on him this time. Let him sod off. You and the kids deserve to be happy and if he willingly left then that's his problem. Don't be a doormat.

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