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To ask if feminism has ruined your life?

(293 Posts)
Playtive Thu 28-Mar-19 12:28:56

Joining mumsnet coincided with having my first baby. Having my first baby coincided with realising I’d married a deeply sexist man. Ergo a feminist was born.

Long story short he did nothing with our baby. He expected his life to continue as he wanted and it was my job to do all the drudge work.

I had huge resentment and really struggled for the first year of DDs life.

Anywho we’re still together and things marginally improved as she got older, however my resentment will not go away and I think it’s only a matter of time before I eventually leave - even though leaving would undoubtedly make mine and my child’s life harder.

Everywhere I look now I see inequality, male privilege, overt and covert abuse of women and it’s actually ruining my life somewhat.

I can’t watch a lighthearted television show without noticing sexism. Innocent conversation with female friends/family can give me the rage inside with all the internalised misogyny. Pretty much every conversation with my husband regarding women makes me think he’s an entitled sexist arsehole. Even though I wouldn’t have batted an eye to these seemingly innocuous comments previously and was a very easy going person.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it? AIBU to just want to watch television in peace?!

betweentheacts Thu 28-Mar-19 12:34:57

I know what you mean - I think about some of the TV shows etc I enjoyed 15 years ago and I would find them deeply uncomfortable now.

Sometimes it can be exhausting to:
- get on the bus to work and notice a man trying to chat a girl up even though she's obviously not interested
- then get to work and be ignored by two men at the same level as me when I suggest something
- then go to Boots at lunch and spot my moisturiser being sold for twice the price of a man's one with the same ingredients
- then go to the supermarket on the way home and see all the girls' clothes with DADDY'S PRINCESS and the boys' with BRAVE SOLDIER all over it
- then walk home from the supermarket in the dark and feel furious that I should have to worry about my safety and avoid the park when my OH wouldn't even give it a second thought

...It is tiring.

But I think that the more people are noticing these things, day in and day out, eventually it will change.

blackteasplease Thu 28-Mar-19 12:36:06

Yes it's happened to me. But would you really want to not know?

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets Thu 28-Mar-19 12:38:11

Ha! I posted a very similar thread about a decade ago.

Yup, totally ruined films and telly and a lot of books for me. I pick up on things nowadays that wouldn’t have bothered me a jot as a younger woman.

Once your eyes have been opened to the inequalities it’s impossible to ignore.

Did you ever watch Angel? (Actually not ruined too badly). In s4 when everyone worships Jasmine and life is perfect, and then once you realise she’s actually evil and eats people the utopian bubble is burst. It’s like that.

yiskasha Thu 28-Mar-19 12:38:24

I'm the same. I'm constantly angry tbh.

GerryblewuptheER Thu 28-Mar-19 12:40:01

I know what you mean too.

In some ways I wish I could go back to being blind and clueless. Just accept how things are and get on with it.

But, then I think it's always best to know. Even if knowing affects you negatively.

Then I realise I knew all along and I was just choosing not to think about it. And that I wasnt doing that for me I was doing it to make life easier for everyone else. And that I'm fed up of pretending I dont notice.

krustykittens Thu 28-Mar-19 12:40:33

I know what you mean, OP, but what is the alternative?

doIreallyneedto Thu 28-Mar-19 12:41:36

Pretty much every conversation with my husband regarding women makes me think he’s an entitled sexist arsehole.

I think that's your problem, rather than feminism!

I'm a feminist. I've always been a feminist. I could never have been in a long term relationship with an entitled, sexist arsehole as I would just find it completely unattractive. My dh and I have always worked as partners.

Yes, I notice inequality, inequality, misogyny but I work two change what I can and just move on from what I can't.

doIreallyneedto Thu 28-Mar-19 12:42:52

* to change not two change.

Playtive Thu 28-Mar-19 12:43:28

Yes it's happened to me. But would you really want to not know?

Sometimes! Even just for a half hour in the evenings when’s DD has gone to bed grin

I’m tired of being angry all the time really. I need to find some sort of outlet for it I think?

Ali1cedowntherabbithole Thu 28-Mar-19 12:44:52

I get what you are saying, except that probably it isn't feminism that had ruined your life. It's more likely to be male privilege and misogyny.

Trouble is once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Playtive Thu 28-Mar-19 12:45:43

You’re right of course doIreallyneedto. I suppose I know deep down the relationship is the main driving force behind it all.

Playtive Thu 28-Mar-19 12:49:55

it isn't feminism that had ruined your life. It's more likely to be male privilege and misogyny.

Yup - see I’m angry at myself now for blaming a woman’s movement instead of the patriarchal culprit! There’s just no respite confused

TheGoogleMum Thu 28-Mar-19 12:50:24

"The deadly truth about a world built for men – from stab vests to car crashes" a guadian article. Reading this ruined a few things for me as a below average height female.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino Thu 28-Mar-19 12:50:29

it's insidious sexism and toxic masculinity that's ruined your life. Feminism is what removes the scales from our eyes.

I know what you mean, though, I feel life was much less depressing when I wandered round oblivious.

Now, you see it everywhere, the hate and contempt for women and girls.

Elven Thu 28-Mar-19 12:51:17

Oh man, this is totally me. Sexism is so ubiquitous - it's difficult not to go around yelling But why do you not see this? at everyone 😄.

I think you just need to do what you can - I make a monthly donation to a women's rights organisation, I sign petitions, I sticker and flyer sometimes, I speak to people about feminism I moan on MN.

blackteasplease Thu 28-Mar-19 12:51:45

Gerry you are right about sort of knowing all the time.

I remember being drunk once in my early 20s and having the knowledge sort of "blurt " out of me. I packed it away again until my 30s after I'd had a child!

Quartz2208 Thu 28-Mar-19 12:54:01

Yep sorry op but it’s your relationship thar is the issue

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz Thu 28-Mar-19 12:56:09

Yes I feel like this most of the time now and agree it's misogyny that's the problem. I can guarantee I'll get angry at something at least daily if not more. But as others have said I just do what I can to call it out and challenge it. I realise that amongst certain people in my life this has been noticed and not for the better but F them. DD is still so young and I want things to be a bit better for her. Screw people who think I'm being a fun sponge or what ever crap they call it.

A massive thing for me is tv and film. I'm now so tired of seeing women and children being abused for entertainment, it bothers me for days when I watch crap like that. And often it's at the centre of every drama/thriller.

When it all gets too much I find skulking around FWR whilst having a cuppa reminds me there are plenty of silent but deadly allies out there, all quietly challenging the crap smile

AmIBU123 Thu 28-Mar-19 12:57:31

I am similar - I just can't enjoy certain TV or music anymore! And if I'm watching something with DP he'll then hear my views on it too. I think he gets a little tired of it but thankfully does agree. I think I've educated him on some level too. Your DH sounds horrid.

PurpleGlitter1983 Thu 28-Mar-19 12:57:49

I definitely can empathise with a lot of the comments here and your post, OP.

Jackshouse Thu 28-Mar-19 12:58:00

Your problem is not feminism it’s misogyny and the patriarchal society we live in.

I get what you mean though. I think having a child opens your eyes to what is going on in the world.

Amongstthetallgrass Thu 28-Mar-19 12:58:38

I’m tired of being angry all the time really. I need to find some sort of outlet for it I think?

It’s your relationship that’s the problem. That’s why your angry.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz Thu 28-Mar-19 12:59:56

On a different thread last week (apologies I can't remember the brilliant poster who suggested this) on a very closely related subject, on days when it did all get too much and the need to lie low and "regroup" for a while arose, they would put an amount of money into a pot/account however easiest. When it hits a certain amount they will donate it to a charity that supports women. So even when your not being active there's still a benefit.

I bloody love this idea and have totally stolen it.

thedisorganisedmum Thu 28-Mar-19 12:59:59

I don't see anywhere near as many examples of male privilege and misogyny as some MN posters do.

I do see a lot of rude and unpleasant PEOPLE, but it's rarely gender related. Most of the threads complaining against sexism are deeply cringing frankly.

The poor victim females concept really annoys me. As a mother, I worry equally about my sons and daughters. It's frankly ridiculous to pretend one gender is more at risk than another. Seen how many stabbings we are witnessing in London at the moment?
Read about the assaults on both male and female in refugees camps?

However, I wouldn't have married a sexist man. I am puzzled that it took a forum for you to notice.

I think because I am surrounded by relatively pleasant people, I don't obsess about one gender and see everything in a negative way. I am not a victim because I am a female. I find it easier to be female than male in our society!

Why on earth would you want to stay with a sexist arsehole and have a baby with him? It sounds like you are projecting your own private problems on everything else.

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