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To be fed up of being pressured to involve the step nan?

(121 Posts)
pansydansy Thu 28-Mar-19 11:28:06

I've name changed because this is very outing and I'm not sure if she uses mn.

So I have 2 dc ages 2 and 6

They have my parents, and dh parents split when he was young and they've both re married.
So there's 4 biological grandparent and 2 step grandparents.

Dh doesn't like his stepmum. Won't even acknowledge her as stepmum and just tolerates her for his father. She married his dad when he was 5 and wouldn't even allow him to the wedding because it was "her day"

She also accused him of hitting her children that she had with fil and always singled him out when he was young. Fil had to pay maintenance to mil being this woman's back because she resented him.

Anyway fast forward..we now have 2 DD's. When dd1 was born she instantly called herself nanny without asking first and has been known as nanny ever since. My mum is nona mil is grandmother.

Yesterday i got a text from fil asking me to not forget that it's Mother's Day Sunday and nanny is expecting something from the girls. (He does this often. For her birthday he wants a video of the girls singing happy birthday to her and for me to post it on fb and tag her) now I find this irritating. I don't do this for my children's biological grandparents so why am I going to make her feel special by sharing it on fb for my own dm and mil to see it. Oh I know..because she wants her friends to see it and feel all high and mighty!

I don't mind this woman in small doses and I'm not trying to be a bitch I swear I'm not. But why. Why should I spend my own money to buy her something from the girls when I don't dont do this for the others!
I haven't replied to fil text because I'm just seething and don't know what to say without sounding rude. They help us out a bit and have the girls 3 times a month so I don't want to sound shitty but I'm just pissed off.

Aibu? Have I just looked too much into this?

UnderMajorDomoMinor Thu 28-Mar-19 11:31:04

Yanbu ignore him and ignore further messages about this. If he pushes it say ‘I would do that for my own mother’ or ‘I think you should speak to dh’ (knowing full well he won’t).

UnderMajorDomoMinor Thu 28-Mar-19 11:31:16


pansydansy Thu 28-Mar-19 11:31:32

God so many typos. Behind her back.

TheYoungOffendersMum Thu 28-Mar-19 11:31:47

She sounds like a right piece of shit work

firstbrightday Thu 28-Mar-19 11:31:47

Just send him a message saying you don't do this for any of the others so it would be unfair to just do it for her.

HouseOfGoldandBones Thu 28-Mar-19 11:31:58

But she's not your DC's mother, so why would they send her a message, or any kind of acknowledgement on Mother's Day?

I would just reply to FIL and say, "it's not Nanny's Day silly"

SosigDog Thu 28-Mar-19 11:33:26

So in a nutshell: the step-Gran expects a Mother’s Day gift when the bio Grans don’t even get one?

That would be a big fat NO from me. They should all be treated the same. And FIL doesn’t get to demand certain gifts and gestures for his wife either - that’s just rude.

purpleme12 Thu 28-Mar-19 11:33:48

I'd just say she's not their mum and you're not doing it for the others so it wouldn't be fair

Dreamingofkfc Thu 28-Mar-19 11:33:50

My dad does this with my step mum. I let the 'nanny' go, even though I had not intended for her to be called that. However I refuse to be drawn into presents for Mother's Day and anything else they demand. It's tough but if you give in to demands, they'll just expect more.

Chocolateisfab Thu 28-Mar-19 11:34:05

Ime there is no need for ils to have your mobile number.
Ignore and block imo.
She has never played the role of a dm so - Yanbu to buy her a cactus and shove it...............
Fill on the blanks as you see fit op.

BlueMerchant Thu 28-Mar-19 11:35:08

What have you done previous Mothers Days? Did you send cards/ gifts from your DC to grandparents?

TimeIhadaNameChange Thu 28-Mar-19 11:35:26

I'd reply (or get DH to reply) and point out that she's not your DCs' mother so of course you won't be doing anything of the sort, and to tell her not to be so daft. (I'd be tempted to point out that as DH wasn't allowed to be at their wedding she's not allowed to take part in family days like this, but there may be too many repurcussions if you do).

Could you encourage your DC to call her nanny Firstname rather than just nanny, to differentiate her from their biological grandmothers who simply have the titles?

Lemonsquinky Thu 28-Mar-19 11:35:33

Don't get her anything. She sounds like she was abusive to your dh when he was little. Your poor dh. What a pair of hypocrites they are. Shame on dh's father for doing nothing to protect his son when he was growing up. I wouldn't leave my dcs there unsupervised considering how they treated dh when he was little.

pansydansy Thu 28-Mar-19 11:38:07

@BlueMerchant we've never done anything and he's never asked before (about Mother's Day) but she lost her mum quite recently and suddenly she needs pandering too. I sent him a video months ago of my eldest singing a song that she's learnt at school. He replied have you sent that to nanny? Errr no I sent it to you because you've been practising it with her!

Ohtherewearethen Thu 28-Mar-19 11:40:47

When did giving gifts to grandmothers on mother's day become a thing? Obviously I appreciate that each family is different and not everyone has a mum or wishes to celebrate their birth mothers but rather others who cared for them, but in a situation like this, where the girls have a loving mother, why on earth would this step grandmother think she has any claim to this day at all? This is baffling.
Text FIL back asking what his wife made her children do for his mother on mother's day as you really need some inspiration as it's so unusual.

BossAssBitch Thu 28-Mar-19 11:41:45

Tell him no, it's not appropriate. Simple as that

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain Thu 28-Mar-19 11:41:52

Putting aside the fact Step-MIL sounds like a bellend, I’d be pretty pissed off that FIL text me asking me to sort out Wife Work for him instead of asking his own son. Is there something wrong with DH that he can’t buy a card from the Pound Shop, or does FIL know that he’d get short shift if he asked?

pansydansy Thu 28-Mar-19 11:41:55

I must say before this goes any further that's she's brilliant with the girls. But I do wonder how she'll be when her own 3 children have their own kids and they will be her biological grandchildren.

NorthEndGal Thu 28-Mar-19 11:44:09

I'd reply back ' No silly, I'm not sending out mother's Day stuff to anyone but my Mum, and the DC would be getting a card for me, as I am their mum'
Does he know there is a grandparent day? She can have a cards for that

BlueMerchant Thu 28-Mar-19 11:44:42

I'd explain before Sunday that you aren't starting the Mothers Day 'thing' for Grandparents and that the other grandparents understand this and you are sure 'nanny' would understand too

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Thu 28-Mar-19 11:46:21

I'l text Fil back with

"Dear Fil,, think you've sent me this by mistake, did you mean to send it to SMILs daughters instead?"

pansydansy Thu 28-Mar-19 11:48:36

@Dreamingofkfc I didn't intend for it either. Dd1 went through a stage of calling her by her first name and she would correct her. That used to piss me off.

@PennyMordauntsLadyBrain he knows dh wouldn't even entertain the idea of buying her a card, that's why he asks me. he begrudges buying her a Xmas present.

Sarahjconnor Thu 28-Mar-19 11:49:42

FIL asked me to send s card from DC to MIL on mother day when they were tiny. I replied ‘why, she’s not their mother?’ And left it at that. Nip this in the bud. Ignore texts, be evasive, be busy and ignore. FiL is the problem as he has not acknowledged his wife’s poor behaviour towards his son.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain Thu 28-Mar-19 11:53:25

That makes sense, OP.

I’d pass the ball back into DH’s court by jovially texting FIL back explaining that Mother’s Day is DH’s responsibility as it’s your “One Day Off A Year” hmm, so get onto him.

FIL is a bit of a CF isn’t he?

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