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To feel like an unwanted burden?

(27 Posts)
LostAtSea89 Thu 28-Mar-19 10:31:49

I'm sat here with big, ploppy tears running down my face. I will try and give you the short version of my story...

In August 17 DH and I started ttc - we were successful the first try but lost our baby at 12 weeks. We carried on ttc but it took another 9 months and treatment before our now 12 week old DS was born. I developed a bilateral pulmonary embolism at 17 weeks, then my DS was born 8 weeks early, then I developed sepsis and then caught type A flu AND THEN got diagnosed with heart failure! I only turned 30 yesterday!

It's safe to say that physically and mentally I have well and truly been through the ringer! I'm not saying I have it worse than anyone else but I do seem to have had a rather lengthy spell of bad luck.

My DH has made out right from the start that this has affected him the worst and made me feel pretty bad about being poorly. He's had to take some time out of work to help me look after our two children and has made it clear how much he resents that fact. Every day without fail he is angry (not physically) and says how shit it is here and how crap his life is. He can be quite verbally cruel, more so since I've been unwell. He had his BP checked yesterday and it was a little high and he blamed me because I do the food shopping and I've enabled him to eat "crap".

He's fairly happy to be a grumpy sod all day but then expect that I'll want sex with him at night! In fact I was a bit upset just now as he was having his daily moan and I nervously laughed and said "Your life would be so much easier if you weren't married to me" - to which he said nothing. So I went upstairs to sit on the bed and he came up and said he was hoping to catch me undressed and started touching me up angry

Along side this my Mum said that we could go and stay with her whilst we found more suitable accommodation for my health needs and even put forward the idea that we could joint mortgage with her but then turned around out of the blue and announced that she was selling hers and buying a new one. Up until then she has always said to me that I would always have a home there if I needed one and was always asking if I wanted to stay over for visits etc but now she has this new house lined up she seems to have withdrawn all of this. She was supportive of the problems that I've been having with DH but if I ever call her now and talk about it she just repeats the same sentence or and over "Just ignore it".

She almost has me written off as a dead woman walking! She keeps saying to me that I need to write my will and leave my eldest DD to her (not my DHs bio DD).

I just feel like I'm only wanted when I'm useful for something! I feel really sad and like I have nowhere or one to turn to. My mum only wants me when theres something to gain (money or my DD) and my DH only seems interested when I'm miss perky and up for sex! Am I being unreasonable??

TheABC Thu 28-Mar-19 10:37:39

No you are not unreasonable. Your DH sounds cruel and your mother is disappointing.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Thu 28-Mar-19 10:39:47

That isnt a functioning marriage, and I never say this - he's so unsupportive - leave him, you can do so much better.

SpoilsburyToastGirl Thu 28-Mar-19 10:40:40

No you are not being unreasonable. You sound at the end of your rope and who can blame you?

I had a similar period myself a few years ago where I had cancer/ivf/premature baby and my DH wasn't terribly supportive. He just seemed to internalise everything really.

We have come through it but things still aren't perfect, or even back to what I would describe as 'good', although I am well again and my DS is healthy and happy. I do wonder if there is such a thing as an ideal circumstance or if everyone is secretly a bit unhappy but pretending otherwise outwardly. Or if I'm selfish for wanting more than I have?

I know none of this helps but you aren't alone in feeling this way. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job under very difficult circumstances too so we'll done xx

Pernickity1 Thu 28-Mar-19 10:47:28

So sorry you’ve had such a hard time OP sad. What’s the outlook on your health long term? Were you working before you had your DS or were you a SAHM? I only ask as I’m wondering if you would be in a position to leave your DH? He sounds dreadful. Incredibly selfish man by the sound of things and you definitely deserve better.

Your mum also sounds very unsupportive. Do you have any friends/siblings to talk to in real life?


AnnieMay100 Thu 28-Mar-19 10:49:41

So sorry this is happening to you and without any real support.
Does your husband act like this when he’s scared/upset? Only because some people are defensive or push others away in this situation. He could be scared for the future and if the worst happens he is alone with two children. Sorry to be morbid. It certainly isn’t an excuse to treat you like this though and I think you need to sit down and speak with him. You deserve respect and support while going through this and him nor your mother should be making you feel this way. You are not a burden and your children need you. Good luck.

EmeraldShamrock Thu 28-Mar-19 10:53:22

OP you've been though the mill, it sounds like a terrible time, it will take a long time to get over it mentally and physically.
It is true you find out who really has your back, when you are down. Is he usual supportive?
Your DH is acting very cruel, shits happens take the bad with the good. YANBU leaving, I hope you get well soon.

Namestheyareachangin Thu 28-Mar-19 10:56:09

God. No advice but didn't want to read and run. You poor thing, what a rough run you're having!

You are everything you have always been, a wonderful daughter, wife and mother. You are ill and need help. They are shits and giving you no support. This reflects on THEM, not on you. flowers for you; sometimes life is a bastard xx

totallywired Thu 28-Mar-19 11:39:27

Poor you, what an awful time you've had. Don't be afraid to tell your husband how badly he's behaving, making your ill health all about himself. Also tell him you just don't want sex with someone who is being grump and mean to you. Sometimes when people are treating your like shit you need to put your foot down hard. It might sound obvious, but I have only recently discovered this myself!

I think sadly men behaving resentfully to ill wives/girlfriends is quite common, because society views women as caregivers. Even if we don't think that logically the idea is lodged in most of our unconscious minds. Men can feel unconsciously they are being forced to do what women should be doing for them when caring for women. Totally unreasonable obviously and no excuse for being horrid.

chocolatebuttonsandcheese Thu 28-Mar-19 11:42:53

This sounds horrendous - do you have anyone else? I just want to come look after you. You sound so strong, you've got this x

AmIBU123 Thu 28-Mar-19 11:51:58

Oh this is just awful OP. You poor thing. What a horrid DP and DM you have and I'm so sorry for your ill health and the loss of your baby flowers

Have you told them exactly how they're making you feel?

outpinked Thu 28-Mar-19 11:57:49

You need to have strong words with your ‘D’H. You have been through so very much, more than the majority of people will experience in a lifetime and you need his support. He isn’t being a great partner or human being right now, seems to have become devoid of all compassion. If he still doesn’t alter his ways, you will have to leave.

LostAtSea89 Thu 28-Mar-19 12:05:25

My mum can say the right things at the right time but she tends to back track when a better offer comes along. I called her this morning to talk to her and she told me she was having a lie in and basically hung up yet if I don't even pick up on the first call from her she gets in a hissy! As for DH, I love him, well the good part of him that comes out now very seldom sad. He rarely tells me that he loves me now and he'll never say anything supportive to me. I want him to say that everything will be ok and tell me how much I mean to him. I don't want to hear that it's my fault he's overweight and that his life is shit now. It puts so much extra pressure on me. I already have to deal with the fact that at 30 my cause of death is almost certainly going to be heart failure as it's not cureable. Sorry for The rant!!

@SpoilsburyToastGirl. I'm glad to hear that you and your DS are well. I am grateful that my DS is well. He seemed so fragile when he was born, he was tiny!

@AnnieMay100. I keep trying to tell myself that he may be scared that I'm going to die - putting it bluntly but he seems more concerned about getting his life back to where it was rather than worrying about my health.

@chocolatebuttonsandcheese. No, I don't have anyone else sad

@totallywired. My DH has always been like this when I've been ill. I had to have open chest surgery a few years back and after 6 weeks he actually told me that he felt angry at me because I wasn't getting better faster! I think that it doesn't help that he grew up in a household where the woman did all of the housework and childcare and the dad worked but had little involvement with care. He's made no secret that he'd like me to be more like this confused

@Namestheyareachangin I honestly don't know what I'd do without my DC's. They are so lovely.

@EmeraldShamrock. He has very short bursts of supportiveness, when he feels like it!

@Pernickity1 I was a SAHM, annoyingly enough I was prepping myself to going back into work but that's not going to be happening any time soon now.

LostAtSea89 Thu 28-Mar-19 12:06:50

@outpinked. I know you're right. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough. I'm also scared he'd take my two youngest children away sad

LostAtSea89 Thu 28-Mar-19 12:08:16

@AmIBU123. I'm supposed to be keeping my heart rate low lol. I have so much that I want to say to both of them but as soon as I start I can feel the adrenalin pumping and then it freaks me out!

dontdoubtyourself Thu 28-Mar-19 12:16:00

Hate to be blunt but he sounds so selfish he won't want them more than he has to. Hes oozing with resentment. What ever happened to in sickness and in health?
I kniw its easier said then done.. But if you leave a huge weight will have been lifted. You can focus on you and put you first. You only live once.

bobstersmum Thu 28-Mar-19 12:20:37

I read the first half with my mouth open I can't believe your dh is such a twat after what you have been through! Absolute knob. And your mum is a big let down I'm so sorry.

Slatkater Thu 28-Mar-19 12:29:22

I'm not saying I have it worse than anyone else

I think it would be fair to say you have.

Leave, his behaviour is disgusting.

jameswong Thu 28-Mar-19 12:32:11

YANBU. Awful situation truly sorry.

BlueSkiesLies Thu 28-Mar-19 12:33:42

Your life would be easier not married to that sex pest fuck face and having 50/50 with the children

NabooThatsWho Thu 28-Mar-19 12:38:26

Ugh he’s an absolute arsehole, isn’t he? Bit of a creep too. He’s treating you like he hates you, when you need his love and kindness the most. What is your financial situation like? Could you survive on your own?

I want to give you a hug!

frazzledasarock Thu 28-Mar-19 12:38:50

Your H sounds like a colossal dick.

For what it’s worth I doubt very much he’d take your kids if you left him, he doesn’t want to do any of the day to day household work he won’t want to be responsible for looking after your dc full time.

You need to value yourself more, what’s worth loving about a man who is cruel to you when you’re at your most vulnerable?

Do you have any close friends, anyone you can talk to?

You also need to be less dependent on your mum. She sounds horrible too, happy to strut around telling you to depend on her with no substance behind her posturing when you need support.

Tell your husband you are not responsible for him being a selfish, fat, miserable dick. You feel the same about him and that you could do so much better than him.
See how that goes down, a dose of his own medicine.

I can’t imagine DP being nasty to me for being unwell. It seems common behaviour of the male partners on MN, but I really don’t think decent people treat their partners like shit on their shoes for being unwell.

EKGEMS Thu 28-Mar-19 14:04:27

OP I nearly died with my pregnancy/birth-gall bladder surgery and inflamed pancreas while pregnant them ARDS and emergency section life support 4+ days with a blood clot and sepsis and MRSA. Three months before I could care for myself and my son had a very rough road premature by 2.5 months but in that time and through his medically fragile journey my husband never once complained about taking care of us all. Your husband is being emotionally abusive. I am so very sorry for you. Please take care of yourself you've done nothing wrong. If you ever feel strong enough I'd get out of your relationship someday you deserve assistance and love

PinkHeart5914 Thu 28-Mar-19 14:20:20

Thing is in a normal healthy relationship. If one of you are having a hard time, you suppport and act as a float until things get better/more stable. When you love someone you act no other way, your dh isn’t acting like someone that loves you.

Your mother is a let down, It’s sad but she’s not the first mother I’ve heard say oh just forget about it/suck it up. I think it stems from how they have allowed men to to treat them so they can’t see the issue or don’t want to.

He is unlikely to take the children if he left (most men don’t) however he is the father and will rightly be allowed access of course.

Have you had a frank chat with him about all this? Said how your feeling, that your fed up of the way he treats you etc and made it clear that if it continues separation is your only option.

LostAtSea89 Thu 28-Mar-19 18:16:26

@PinkHeart5914. Of course I'd never expect sole custody if I ever found myself in that predicament but I'd certainly want no less than 50/50. I have always been understanding with him and been there to lean on, as husband and wife should. I sometimes think that my DH has never seen me as "The One" and I don't think that helps.

@EKGEMS. I'm not disputing that it's hard for people that have to support and watch their partners being poorly but being the poorly party is a million times more scary sad

@frazzledasarock. I wish that was true! I think that with four kids and heart failure, no one will ever want me! Whereas DH with his good health, good job, good car and two beautiful children would just waltz into another relationship!

@NabooThatsWho I've said that exact thing to my mum "He acts like he hates me". Surely that's not normal? I have said to him in the past that he's so quick to paint me as the villain, which in some ways is hilarious as I couldn't be nicer to him!!

@BlueSkiesLies. I find the sex thing really offensive. He never seems bother that I might not be physically well enough to have sex sad. He makes comments every now and then about how he hardly ever gets sex - we average twice a week so he's not doing too bad considering!!

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