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Is my husband BU or am I

(72 Posts)
polkadot90 Thu 28-Mar-19 09:27:36

My husband has issues with my parents. My parents have never allowed us to stay over despite us being married and having children together. One time we were visiting friends of mine and my mum suggested we stay with them rather than get a taxi back but at the last minute they changed their mind using that they wouldn't be there as an excuse. We then found out that they allow my sister and her partner stay regularly. We don't have much reason to stay but when our heating went the day we brought home our new baby in the middle of winter they didn't offer to put us up. I got a text from my mum saying I'm sure it will be fine and you's will get sorted soon. Then radio silence for a few weeks despite the fact I had a new baby.
My husband has lost a lot of respect for them but they are still my parents. They want to visit the children later on but they can't make it out until 6 which usually means they'll be here at 7(this is the norm) they never visit us at the weekend as my dad works and when he's off they usually do other stuff. My husband thinks I should tell them no they can't come out at 6 as the children are getting settled for the evening and have school the next day but I find it hard to say no. His argument is why should we be so accommodating to them when they aren't to us. Thought please? I know he's right deep down

Asdfghjklll Thu 28-Mar-19 09:30:14

Yup he's right.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Thu 28-Mar-19 09:31:04

Why dont they like your husband ?

warriorprincessandwidowed Thu 28-Mar-19 09:31:21

Your husband is right on this.

You need to grow up a little and ask why you and your husband and children can not stay vs your sister and a partner.

Also if you do not stand up for yourself and calm them.iut on shitty behaviour how will you ever be prepared for something major happening.

The heating thing is actually appalling and he is right 6-7pm with small children is too late..

ohfourfoxache Thu 28-Mar-19 09:32:12

Have a look at FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)

I’m in a similar position with my ILs and they now have to fit in with us if they want to see the dc. Things are now marginally easier.

Sorry but I’m with your dh on this (I know how difficult you’re going to be finding being in this position) x

Dyingforchocolate Thu 28-Mar-19 09:33:21

I think your husband is right. 7pm with small children who have school is late. I have told my parents & pil this before when they have asked to visit at this time.

LailaByron Thu 28-Mar-19 09:34:16

He’s right! They need to fit in with you not the other way rough. I’d be mortified to think my mum wouldn’t offer me DP and our newborn baby a place to stay when the heating broke down! You’re not there to be visited when it suits them. I’m totally with your DH on this one!

FetchezLaVache Thu 28-Mar-19 09:34:41

Your husband is 100% right.

FriarTuck Thu 28-Mar-19 09:35:44

DH is right. The odd evening wouldn't be an issue if they were otherwise flexible, but never letting you stay over even though sister does is just odd. And the whole cold house with a new baby and then radio silence... Even I wouldn't have put you through that & I really don't people being here!

ArchieStar Thu 28-Mar-19 09:37:06

I’m with husband, I know they’re your parents but they don’t sound very nice

AuntieCJ Thu 28-Mar-19 09:37:53

DH is right.

Bluntness100 Thu 28-Mar-19 09:38:29

Why don't they like your husband? You start off by saying he has issues with them, but it sounds like they have issues with him. Why are you blaming him? I'm assuming there is a back story?

And your parents are behaving appallingly. Your husband is right from what you have posted. They can make the effort on a Sunday or whenever.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Thu 28-Mar-19 09:38:47

I’m sorry I think he’s right too. The way they’re acting is really hurtful and thoughtless, I totally get why you still want to make an effort but I think you need the grounding of your husband’s opinion here.


Shoxfordian Thu 28-Mar-19 09:38:57

Yeah he's right
Your parents don't sound supportive or kind

Ihatehashtags Thu 28-Mar-19 09:39:02

Your OH is 100% right. They are rude and you are not sticking up for him or your kids. Call them out on the double standards.

oh4forkssake Thu 28-Mar-19 09:39:21

My husband has issues with my parents

The first problem is your attitude here. Unless there is a massive back story where your husband did something horrific, it's that your parents have issues with your husband.

YABU and your husband is right and you need to back him up. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean they get to be unkind to you and your family. You need to support your partner.

Forgotmycoat Thu 28-Mar-19 09:40:46

Have you never confronted your parents about their behaviour?

It's time you stood by your dh, he has been disrespected enough by your parents.

Forgotmycoat Thu 28-Mar-19 09:42:48

As poster above said, it's your parents with the issue, not your dh. You need to reframe this scenario.

Shitonthebloodything Thu 28-Mar-19 09:43:36

He's right.

It's really shit, I'm in a similar situation with my parents, our relationship has been very strained over the years and I'm treated completely differently to my sister to the point that most people including my grandparents ask me why the hell I bother with them but it's so hard to cut yourself off. My overwise very lovely DP hates them and will not be in the same building as them as he's so angry at how they've treated me.
I'll be watching the responses here too.

Piffle11 Thu 28-Mar-19 09:43:58

Your DH is completely right - of course they shouldn't come that late! This seems like a very one sided relationship, and I would be doing my best to readdress the balance. I know it's hard to say no when you've been conditioned to go along with their demands all your life - I've been there - but believe me, once you start, it gets easier! And it's actually gratifying to stick up for yourself and to not accept being treated shoddily.

IHateUncleJamie Thu 28-Mar-19 09:44:33

Anyone impartial would have issues with your parents. confused

Your DH is absolutely right. Your priorities should be:

You, Your DH, your DCs.
Your parents and anyone else who treats you with zero respect.

Please do read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Your fear of your parents and wanting to please them is outweighing your immediate family at the moment. That’s the wrong way round.

Purplecatshopaholic Thu 28-Mar-19 09:45:08

Your husband is right. You need to support him. Your parents are being totally unreasonable for whatever reason - might be an idea to have a serious conversation and clear the air.

Sarahjconnor Thu 28-Mar-19 09:46:12

Unless there is something you are not saying you've go it the wrong way round - your parents are the ones with issues. I cannot fathom why you are putting yourself, DH and DC thru unheveal to accommodate such selfish people. If I was your DH I would have a few choice word for them, I think he is being very restrained.
How do you feel about the way they treat you and why are you allowing your DC to be treated so poorly? If they are not worth a sleepover or a weekend visit what is this telling them? Please stop pandering to your selfish unkind parents.

YouBumder Thu 28-Mar-19 09:47:04

He’s right. Your parents sound horrible.

MNSDKHheroines Thu 28-Mar-19 09:47:12

It's your parents who have the issues. Up to you whether you continue to pacify them.

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