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To not get involved in school dramas?

(65 Posts)
Amber1079 Thu 28-Mar-19 03:19:53

When I was growing up my parents never got involved in any issues I had with friends. These days quite a few mums I know seem to get involved in everything that happens between the kids, and there seems to be a lot of tiger mum protecting going on. I'd say especially amongst the girls, but with the boys too. Genuine question, why do some parents get so involved? I don't mean about bullying here, I mean general day to day disagreements between friends, for instance one friend was telling me about another mum approaching her on the morning school run, and scheduling in a meeting after school for them both with their year 4 sons. This was to discuss a pretty minor disagreement between the boys about who was better at football, and her child was upset that his friend was being cocky that he was better.

I've heard 2 mums arguing at the school gates, because one child had let it slip at school that the other child (their friend) was on holiday for the last 2 days of term. The mum who'd been on holiday and said her child was ill had been called in by the school and was livid with the other mum, saying that the child had "grassed" her child up. I've also recently had my dd's friend's mum texting me about a disagreement they had, over who to pick as a partner on the school trip, they're in a group of 4 friends and they often swap about with 2 getting close one week and a different 2 the next. Sometimes the other 2 in the group feel left out, I know my dd does, but it's year 4 now not reception so I want her to build up some resilience with these things. I sympathise with her, but remind her friendships shift around a lot at that age (and often throughout our lives) and she can't control what others do, just be honest with them about her feelings if she's really upset. The mum of dd's friend had text me to say she'd come home and cried all evening about feeling left out when my dd chose another friend from their group as her partner on the school trip. Ironically the week before it had been my dd coming home upset, and we had tears over this girl and another friend leaving her out at play time, not waiting for her to finish her lunch etc. I didn't start texting the two other mums though to tell them my dd was upset and in tears! She's done it before actually, I didn't know what to say the first time, so ended up apologising for my dd which I then felt guilty and terrible about, as she hadn't actually done anything wrong but the girl's mum had made me feel like she had! How involved do others get in their kids day to day issues at school or with friends? Maybe IABU not interfering ahem, I mean getting involved more?

Seniorschoolmum Thu 28-Mar-19 03:27:08

YAnbu I’ve only got involved once in 7 years and that was after ds’s little friend had drawn over all six of ds’ school shirts with a permanent marker.
And that was for my sake not ds.
I let ds fight his own battles (within reason), he HATES me getting involved so it seems the better way although we’ve not had a bullying incident yet, so we’ve been very lucky.

cariadlet Thu 28-Mar-19 03:53:19

My dd's 16 and I've managed to stay out of all her fallings out since she started school. I listen to her rants and then leave her to sort it out herself.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 28-Mar-19 04:05:46

URghhh

"Matilda wouldnt play with Tallulah today, she played with Effie, I think we need to discuss Matilda's bullying"

No, no, no.

6 kids, varying personalities (some more sensitive to friendship fluctuations than others) and I only get involved when there has been genuine bullying. Frankly I think some parents need training in how to create adults.

That stuff hurts as a child, I remember it well, but it teaches you lessons, and being protected from hurt all the time means you learn nothing.

LinoleumBlownapart Thu 28-Mar-19 04:22:18

I don't get involved at all in the little stuff. I've had one parent tell me that my son did something to her son that made him really upset. I needed to know about it and I talked to my son about it and he fixed it with his friend. but that's it, and that wasn't really the same thing as a petty argument.

Kids just need to vent and that's what home is for. In my experience they usually fix things on their own. Parents should be there to give advice and show love on bad days, not start acting like they're still at school hmm

HennyPennyHorror Thu 28-Mar-19 04:36:37

I have a friend who seems to have a compulsion to know every bit of information regarding her DS's friendship ups and downs. He's 15!

I have to talk her down! It's an anxiety issue I think. And anxiety is on the increase...so it makes sense.

Haribeau Thu 28-Mar-19 04:45:12

So your daughter came home upset at being left out the week before? Yet she is Behaving like that to the others the next week? Mmmmm

AngelaSchrute Thu 28-Mar-19 04:51:06

I had a mother who always got involved. Aggressively.

I love her but my social and coping skills were definitely affected. I spent my late teens and 20's learning how to deal with conflict by myself and it had a big impact on my confidence.

You sound a lot like me. Keep out of it, let your child cry/vent, give them a massive hug and talk them through it.

This is obviously in the absence of any actual bullying which one of my sons went through.

In the future, don't say sorry. You don't have to be rude but ask her what she would like you to do about it. Sometimes when parents hear their pettiness spoken out loud it makes them feel as silly as they should feel.

AngelaSchrute Thu 28-Mar-19 04:56:41

Why the 'Mmmm' Haribeau?

That's perfectly normal behavior.

soulrunner Thu 28-Mar-19 04:58:28

Agree- stay out of it. Ds (year 4) is mega easy going and there's minimal drama amongst his friends. DD's (year 3) friendship group is like something out of Game of Thrones (constant reforming of allegiances and mega fall outs) and I am not getting invested in that stuff. Fortunately, they seem to be growing out of it, presumably because they've learned that when you're on the wrong side of it, it's horrible, so better not to start it. They are all absolutely fine out of school and one on one and always have been.

AceOfSpades123 Thu 28-Mar-19 05:13:46

Yay! Finally some sense in the world. I applaud you OP for being real. It’s the same at my kids school. Micro managing mums. Unless you’re best buddies with the mum (nothing to do with the kids friendships!) then kids don’t get invited to playdates or birthday parties. It’s become like university fresher week for mums in the playground. It’s bonkers. My parents never had all of this nonsense going on when I was at school. If you were friends with somebody you got invited to their party regardless of your parents knowing each other. It’s all about mums networking these days and if one mum doesn’t like another mum then the kids could adore each other but that takes a back seat. I think things like Facebook and stupid WhatsApp groups are to blame. Everybody is in everybody’s lives and business 24/7. We’ve just had a massive blow up between mums on one of my kids class whatsapp groups because one of the kids hit another kid in the classroom in a spat. Yeah, they are 4/5 years old, that’s what kids do. The whole world doesn’t need to know about it. Does it need 68 drama messages at 9pm at night and how about let the teachers do what they do and sort it out.

soulrunner Thu 28-Mar-19 05:40:54

Our school has banned class WhatsApp groups, thank god. They just became a forum for bitching about the school/ certain teachers and passive aggressiveness about head lice and drama about parties.

tinytemper66 Thu 28-Mar-19 05:46:00

Wait until they are older and hey have social media 🤦🏻‍♀️I have spent hours this week dealing with fallouts in teenagers. It is not bullying- it is falling out in this case but mum says no it is bullying but I am doing nothing to stop it.
I have passed it up to my line manager as I cannot progress further with it. It is affecting my teaching as I am having constant interruptions from one girl in particular.
Sometimes they just need to sort it out themselves but lack the skills and resilience to do it. I have tried my very best but feel defeated.

floribunda18 Thu 28-Mar-19 05:49:44

My parents didn't get involved, at all. To the extent where I didn't tell them anything as they would just minimise it.

Some parents get too involved and get into petty disputes.

There is a happy medium where you support your kids and they feel that you have their back, but parents do get it wrong and sometime fall down on one side or the other.

floribunda18 Thu 28-Mar-19 05:52:57

Our school has banned class WhatsApp groups, thank god

How very authoritarian of them. What the actually take parents' or pupils' phones off them and delete others' details? What a load of nonsense. They can ban it all they like, they have no authority over parents' and pupils' social lives.

BrokenWing Thu 28-Mar-19 06:05:18

Ds would have been mortified if I had become involved in any of his friendships or falling outs.

Encourage them to talk to you, really listen, don't critise their friends, let them work it out for themselves and advise only if asked/necessary.

SnuggyBuggy Thu 28-Mar-19 06:13:31

As a teen I would have avoided anyone with over involved parents like the plague

MadauntofA Thu 28-Mar-19 06:18:44

Girls create drama, you just have to step back, listen to them when they want and give advice about how they can deal with it themselves when they want. It's never too early to teach a bit a resilience, but unfortunately some parents, mothers in particular take it all a bit personally.

MadauntofA Thu 28-Mar-19 06:20:22

I only mention girls because I have no experience of boys - for all I know they might be equally dramatic!

AngelaSchrute Thu 28-Mar-19 06:26:29

Floribunda18 I imagine the school has 'banned' class chats to stop parents who obsess over them from coming in every morning complaining about xy and z which they read on Whatsapp the night before.

It's would be much easier for the poor teachers to say that the chats have nothing to do with the school officially so they can't discuss it then and there.

AngelaSchrute Thu 28-Mar-19 06:27:21

It*

MsTSwift Thu 28-Mar-19 06:32:10

If there’s consistent unhappiness and all our efforts to help child resolve themselves failed I will speak to teacher. Did once in whole of primary for dd1 not friendship issues but some little shits from another class were bullying her in the classic sense. Dd2 herself is an easygoing kid in a class of divas. Been in twice over whole of primary for her. Secondary cannot believe they would let a parent be involved that’s mental!

PositiveDiscipline Thu 28-Mar-19 06:36:58

I'd make a massive effort to stay out of stuff unless your DD is being bullied. I stay way away from my youngest's year as they are like this and are pretty nasty.

If they SMS you just tell them to take it up with the teacher.

HogMother Thu 28-Mar-19 06:39:39

It’s the parents causing the drama in our playground. The kids get on really well most days

sailorsdelight Thu 28-Mar-19 06:42:47

Agreed! I’ve had a few of these parents tried to take me aside about stuff in DS extended friendship group of boys but it always sorts itself out. My son has been pick on and excluded at times, they’ve all taken Their turn! Had one mum speak to me several times about DS excluding her son etc. So I spoke to the teacher who told me there was nothing to worry about it was at least 50/50 between them and the other kid had been really winding DS up but she was handling it.
Problem is one kid say one thing and your kid tells you something different and the truth is usually sonewhere win between

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