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I'm drowning

(18 Posts)
Amonk3ysbutler Wed 27-Mar-19 21:47:36

Ok I realise this isn't an AIBU really but I know that here you get honest replies regardless of topic.
I'm drowning, my mental health has always been shit but I've had about 18 months of feeling 'normal' now I don't know how much longer I can hold it together.
Background... sexually abusive childhood, self harmed, 1 abusive relationship and a date rape incident. Bollocks that looks awful and very clinical written down.
Anyway I met my husband and we have a normal life, kids, bills etc and I havent harmed myself in 14 yrs.
Recently my teenage daughter came to me and told me she didnt want to live anymore, so we have spent the last 6 months putting her back together, shes nearly there and shes so incredibly strong, I honestly couldn't praise her enough for the way shes handling herself.
Now the last 2 weeks I've been struggling, nothing different has happened but all my anxieties, the nightmares and the feeling that I'm drowning is back. I don't know what's happening to me.
I rung the doctors this morning, they cant see me for another 2 months which I thought fine I can make it but I honestly don't know if I can.
I don't know what I'm expecting writing this here, but I don't have anyone else to share this with. I cant tell my husband, hes wonderful but he was so distraught over my daughter and has been so strong for her I don't think I can put this on his shoulders too.

Laquila Wed 27-Mar-19 21:53:16

The bottom line is you urgently need to talk to a trained professional. I would advise you to call the doctors again tomorrow morning and explain that you need to see someone as soon as possible about your mental health - even if it’s an Advanced Nurse Practitioner for an initial discussion. (Most GP surgeries will have appts available within a couple of days for ANPs.) It’s absolutely not acceptable that the doctors are telling you that no-one can see you for two months.

Do you have any friends or family members that could help in practical terms? Sometimes if you feel you can’t confide in anyone, it’s helpful just to have someone come round to help with cooking or cleaning etc, just for some human contact.

Amonk3ysbutler Wed 27-Mar-19 22:05:32

I know, I need to ring them again. Strangely enough I don't want to be a burden to them. The idea of someone coming round fills me with dread if I'm honest, I am aware I have some control issues and i would hate for a close friend to see that I don't have it all together. I will try to reach out to a friend tomorrow too and see if she wants to get a coffee. Thank you for reading and for the advice.

IHateUncleJamie Wed 27-Mar-19 22:12:38

It sounds as if all the trauma you’ve been through has left you with ever diminishing headspace, and you’ve given the last little bit of that to your daughter. Now you need to let the Professionals look after you and give you back some mental energy and headspace. You’re not a burden; it’s their job.

Can you phone the surgery again in the morning and say you urgently need to see someone about your mental health? Laquila is right, two months is completely unacceptable. MH is just as much of an emergency as any other illness and they should have emergency sit and wait appointments available.

Hang in there. xx flowers

Amonk3ysbutler Wed 27-Mar-19 22:22:53

Thank you, I will ring them tomorrow morning and try for an emergency appointment. As much as I hate to admit feeling like this, writing it down here and reading the replies has helped a little.

cakeandchampagne Wed 27-Mar-19 22:28:43

Nobody has it all together all the time. I’m glad you are actively seeking help, and hope you feel better soon.

Amonk3ysbutler Wed 27-Mar-19 22:33:55

Thank you.

IHateUncleJamie Wed 27-Mar-19 22:56:48

Good luck. Please do insist upon an emergency appt. I had to get quite cross and VERY firm with our GP receptionist to get DH seen when he was having a very bad bout of PTSD. It worked and the GP saw him as an emergency. flowers

rose789 Wed 27-Mar-19 23:12:20

Bless your heart, it is no wonder that your daughters issues have brought your past traumas. Especially as the immediate crisis for her is coming to an end. The last 6 months will have been horrendous for all of you, as well as for your daughter.
It’s natural to struggle with previous issues once things have plateaued a bit. You have done amazing, and it’s obvious where your daughter gets her strength from flowers
But you deserve help and support too.
Please do try and call your gp for an emergency appointment if you are able too, as you need help right now.
In the meantime if you feel there is a an urge to SH there are helplines like this one which can help.

Bristol Crisis Service for Women:
Women's Self Injury Helpline: 0808 800 8088
TESS Text and Email Support Service 0780 047 2908

Making a list of coping strategies that have worked for you in the past can also be helpful. I find when it’s been so long since injuring (similar time to yourself) that when I do have a rocky moment I forget all of the things that helped at the beginning not to act on urges. Having it written down reminds me how many coping strategies that I actually have.
Good luck, you can do this flowers

Amonk3ysbutler Wed 27-Mar-19 23:32:37

Thank you all for being there this evening flowers your replies have helped settle my brain tonight and I feel as if I have some sort of plan to get through this. What a couple of you have said regarding my daughter actually makes sense, I've (obviously and rightly) spent so long focusing on her and her mental health, I might have forgotten how to keep mine healthy. @rose789 the coping strategies list is a good idea, I don't know if I can do it right now, but when my brains less foggy i will definitely do one of those flowers thank you

booellesmum Wed 27-Mar-19 23:39:03

I hope you can get an emergency appointment, but if you can't or you need urgent help go to A&E - they usually have an on call team that can help.
Take care.

BlackSatinDancer Wed 27-Mar-19 23:56:52

Telephone your GP and ask for an emergency referral to the Community Mental HealthTeam. GPs aren't equipped to deal with serious MH issues.

You have been wonderful in supporting your DD but now you can see she has improved so much, you have relaxed and let your guard down and that is when our physical and mental defences come under attack.

Don't hide things from your DH. I know you don't want to dump everything on him but I'm sure he would prefer to give you that outlet rather than see you have a serious breakdown.

Amonk3ysbutler Fri 29-Mar-19 13:48:22

Thank you to everyone who read and replied the other night. I have seen a doctor, been prescribed Prozac and I'm on the waiting list for counselling, I also spent a few hours with a friend which was hard but lovely. Hopefully this is the first step to being me again. Thanks again flowersflowers

rose789 Fri 29-Mar-19 15:10:11

Amazing job!!!! Well done you should be very proud of yourself right now flowers

IHateUncleJamie Fri 29-Mar-19 18:00:08

That’s brilliant, OP. ❤️ V well done. You obvs know that the Prozac will take a couple of weeks to really start working BUT you will feel better just having taken control and going to the GP. Feel better soon. flowers

cakeandchampagne Fri 29-Mar-19 20:40:51

I’m glad you got to see a doctor and will get counseling soon- and you have a good friend helping also!
You and your daughter might consider keeping journals.

OoohAyyye Fri 29-Mar-19 20:43:17

Well done OP flowers

oneforthepain Fri 29-Mar-19 20:47:01

Glad you've had such a good response from doc.

If you want an extra space where you can bounce ideas around and try to make sense of things, without worrying about burdening or overwhelming anyone, you can always email samaritans (not just for suicidal feelings). Jo@samaritans.org

Advantage of email is it gives you chance to take your time pulling your thoughts together into a message (as opposed to sitting on the phone unable to figure out what was bothering you) and because they keep your messages for a rolling period (think it used to be 28 days?) you're not starting from scratch with each communication if you spend a few weeks "talking" things through.

It can be quite helpful getting written reflections and questions back on what you've said, especially when your head is full of fog. Not every person who responds is going to be the perfect person for you in terms of how they think or express themselves, but the next one who replies after them might be (just like with the phone, it's not always quite right for you each and every time with who answers).

Just thought I'd mention it. Sometimes it can be a helpful option.

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