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Going halves on a gift

(19 Posts)
DwayneDibbly Wed 27-Mar-19 15:27:51

DP and I have had an argument about this so am looking for clarification as to whether or not he was a twat, or whether it was me.

Bit of background: DPs ex and I don't get on (I was not OW for what it's worth, we are just two very different people). Things are passive aggressive at best, but we keep things relatively polite for the sake of DSD.

So a relative of DPs had a landmark birthday recently and he was struggling to think of a gift. His ex rings and asks does he want to go half shares on a gift from their DD. He agrees, probably in part because it saves him the hassle of having to sort something out.

He tells me and I say that's absolutely fine, no issue as to cost etc., but that surely that's just a gift from DSD and not from our DC (who is, it has to be said, a baby and therefore gives zero shits about gifts).

He says of course it's from all of us. I said it's quite obviously not from all of us, it's from DSD and he and his ex have split the cost.

He says I'm being unreasonable and petty for pointing this out, and has chucked his toys out of the pram.

Was I being unreasonable? Prepared to hear that I got this wrong, just be gentle with me!

BlueMerchant Wed 27-Mar-19 15:32:32

The gift can be from both his children if he pays for all of it not if his ex is paying half.
I'd get a little something else from your own dc as a gesture.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Wed 27-Mar-19 15:33:25

You are right. Ex is viewing it as from her DC, not yours.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Wed 27-Mar-19 15:35:09

Just say its from his children, the fact his ex is paying half is a good thing and I'm struggling to see the problem tbh

Jeezoh Wed 27-Mar-19 15:37:49

What a non issue, you sound hard work! If he’s paying half, he can decide who he’s including in the gesture.

bingoitsadingo Wed 27-Mar-19 15:58:10

We give gifts from the family so would just sign everyones name

DwayneDibbly Wed 27-Mar-19 15:59:05

Ordinarily we send gifts from our side and include everyone's name on it, as in ours and both children. That won't happen the other way and so yes, I will have to get a separate gift from myself and DC.

DwayneDibbly Wed 27-Mar-19 16:00:08

@OnlyFoolsnMothers ordinarily I'd agree but the gift has been set up by DPs ex, and she won't include our DC in the gesture.

DwayneDibbly Wed 27-Mar-19 16:02:33

@Jeezoh I accept from the outside it probably does sound like a non-issue! smileBut the ex has already said the gift is from their DD, and of course he can include whomsoever he likes in the gesture but that hasn't happened.

JourneyofSelfImprovement Wed 27-Mar-19 16:05:12

I find it strange that his ex has gone halves on a gift for someone on your DPs side to begin with? confused

Summer23 Wed 27-Mar-19 16:10:44

He needs to be clear to the ex that his contribution covers a gift from all his kids, if that’s what he intends to do. It seems a bit off for you to need to arrange another gift from your child too.

BlackSatinDancer Wed 27-Mar-19 16:12:25

It sounds to me as if the gift your DP and his Ex are splitting costs on is just from DSD.
I presume you will send a gift from you, DP and your DC.

However, haven't you already sorted this as you say that your DP's relative "had a landmark birthday recently".

OnlyFoolsnMothers Wed 27-Mar-19 16:15:56

oh so the present wont be from them both, his ex is refusing to put your child's name on the gift? - that pettiness would piss me off.

DwayneDibbly Wed 27-Mar-19 16:16:50

@BlackSatinDancer I do usually organise but as this was a landmark DP wanted to pick something up himself. I rather wish I had dealt with it myself now, and avoided all this.

MeredithGrey1 Wed 27-Mar-19 16:25:17

It sounds to me as if the gift your DP and his Ex are splitting costs on is just from DSD. I presume you will send a gift from you, DP and your DC.

This is how I'd understand it as well.
Does your DP want to say this gift is from all of you - if so I think he's wrong because there's no reason for ex to have paid half of a family gift. (Tbh I'm not sure why she's paid for half the gift anyway.)

If he wants to just say its from DSD and DC (and get a separate present from you and him) then I don't think it makes any difference, since DC is just a baby and obviously has no idea what's going on so can just be added to any gift.

seeingdots Wed 27-Mar-19 16:27:48

I think you're right and it's not petty at all. It's taking advantage of the ex's generosity. Why should she pay half for a gift from you all to a member of his family? He should pay for it all if that's the way he wants it. I bet he wouldn't be very happy to be asked to put in half for a gift from her and a new family to a family member of hers!

Onceuponacheesecake Wed 27-Mar-19 16:33:41

Is the family member really going to be keeping tabs on which specific family members the gift is from? Does it matter? I'm with your OH but gifts aren't really a big thing in my family

DwayneDibbly Wed 27-Mar-19 16:36:44

@seeingdots That's very true! And yes, I wouldn't expect her to dip into her pocket for my family. I'd buy a gift and put the kids' names on it.

DwayneDibbly Wed 27-Mar-19 16:39:02

@Onceuponacheesecake Probably not, and you're right of course. I just got annoyed because it seemed quite thoughtless but I do make more effort with this sort of thing so I'm probably overthinking it in that respect.

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