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AIBU re cousin comments ?

(57 Posts)
Pauperlil Wed 27-Mar-19 10:25:52

Spoke to my cousin about my son problems and her reply really upset me, but then I'm wondering am I being a slow flake ?!

I have 2 boys, my youngest 8 has got moderate to severe eczema and a few months ago has been diagnosed with Development Language disorder and goes to special classes twice a week . He is delayed academically too. He also has a ENT referral as speech therapist said his voice seems too husky etc .

My older boy 11 is fine with none of these issues.

Both eczema and development language disorder (DLD) are due to genetics. They is environmental influences but the foundations are genetics.

DLD arises from genetic influences on early brain development. We don’t know enough about specific genes to have a biological test for language disorder.

My Cousin then said "wow a child with both genetics problems and possible ent issues now !! You and your oh are a wrong mix!"

She then said as we're cousins any future kids she is worried she have a child like my 8 year old.

Am I being over sensitive? I think it hurt as it is a bit true, our genetics on our son have caused him to have these problems, not just one but a few. I'm also glad we stopped at two cos would future kids have these problems

Ironymaiden Wed 27-Mar-19 10:27:09

Bit insensitive of her but I think you’re over reacting slightly

Pauperlil Wed 27-Mar-19 10:28:00

Ok why do you think I'm over reacting ?

Ironymaiden Wed 27-Mar-19 10:29:42

Because you admit it’s true but you’re still upset with her

Pauperlil Wed 27-Mar-19 10:30:06

Oh right.

LailaByron Wed 27-Mar-19 10:30:13

I think the way it was said was insensitive but probably wasn’t meant in this way. If you are anything like me, you’re overly sensitive to anything said about your DC. That’s not a criticism...I don’t think Mother’s would be Mother’s If they weren’t upset by any negative/insensitive comments about their DC x

Orangeday Wed 27-Mar-19 10:31:32

I think you’re overreacting because she seems to have meant to say “that’s bad luck that both of you have these genes” and you’ve interpreted it as “you two should not be together because you both have an innate flaw”.

Yes it was insensitive but not worth falling out over.

Pauperlil Wed 27-Mar-19 10:32:27

Thank you laila for your understanding x I think because my first born was "normal" the shock it's been with my second child. Me and my partner are both different races and I thought our genetic mix will be ok 🙈

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Wed 27-Mar-19 10:33:31

She's right to be concerned she may be carrying a faulty gene. Possibily inept in how she phrased it.

You talk about genetics, is it the same as two people with the same gene fault may create a child with the illness, or is is a simple as one person may pass the gene on? I'm off for a quick look-see - so
I've just had to quickly research - its one of those disorders which may be environmental, may be genetic, who knows the origin.

Children may have just some or all of these difficulties; they are all very different.

Developmental Language Disorder (DLD) is a term that is used to describe difficulties with learning and using language which will be long term, but that are not associated with other conditions, such as cerebral palsy, or autistic spectrum disorders. In the past DLD was known as specific language impairment (SLI) but the name has changed so that it better reflects the types of difficulties children have.

There is no obvious reason for these difficulties, for example, there is no hearing problem or physical disability that explains them. This means, for example, a child with DLD might be bright, but struggle to understand the language used in the classroom, or they may have lots of ideas but find it hard to make sentences to say what they are thinking, but they do not have any other condition that may be causing these problems.DLD looks different in all children and can be complicated to understand because we don’t really know the cause. Scientists think that the part of the brain responsible for speech and language might be wired a little differently from that of a person with more typical language development– but differences are subtle and won’t show up on a brain scan. We also know that genes play an important part in DLD, but there is no medical test to see if a child has it or not. Studies have shown that in five year olds, DLD affects about two children in every classroom in primary school (about 7.6%) and that it is more common in boys than girls.

IhateBoswell Wed 27-Mar-19 10:34:30

It’s a subject you’ll obviously be sensitive about, and there is nothing wrong with being so.
However I think your cousin was just a bit clumsy in what she said and didn’t mean it maliciously.
Try not to dwell on it too much.

boomboom1234 Wed 27-Mar-19 10:37:30

I think it was a very rude and insensitive thing for her to say and I totally understand where you are coming from. I would be furious.

I know how upsetting it is when you are so worried about your child and the last thing you want is people bringing you down.

My daughter has some physical problems that we are trying to get diagnosed at the moment and it's very very difficult as a parent and to have a family member be so unkind would hurt me immensely.

M4J4 Wed 27-Mar-19 10:40:39

I don't get the responses above, I think your cousin was horribly rude.

How on earth were you supposed to know you and your partner would have a child with these needs? How dare she call you a wrong mix? And to top it off by saying she's worried she will have a child like yours shock

You're not being over sensitive, your cousin is a twat.

Pauperlil Wed 27-Mar-19 10:45:44

How on earth were you supposed to know you and your partner would have a child with these needs? How dare she call you a wrong mix? And to top it off by saying she's worried she will have a child like yours

Thanks for understanding x this is it I had no idea as my first son was perfectly fine and if I had a baby with a 2nd/3rd cousin or same race I would of considered genetic defaults. I just assumed my second child will be normal.

No one in our families gave DLD as I am aware but me n oh have mild eczema and in both families

downcasteyes Wed 27-Mar-19 10:48:02

I think that's INCREDIBLY rude and hurtful.

I have no idea about the particular medical issue your child has, but many genetic issues are absolutely not about having 'mismatched' parents, but are just really bad luck. To suggest that there is something wrong with you both as parents is ignorant and hurtful.

Pauperlil Wed 27-Mar-19 10:48:07

Iv been in tears about my son problems I just want him to be without these obstacles. Eczema he has is bad enough but now DLD?! Its just hard work and I get jealous of mums with "normal kids" which I know is wrong and I do think I'm being over sensitive sometimes though

Pauperlil Wed 27-Mar-19 10:51:31

I have no idea about the particular medical issue your child has, but many genetic issues are absolutely not about having 'mismatched' parents, but are just really bad luck. To suggest that there is something wrong with you both as parents is ignorant and hurtful.

Thank you that makes me feel better that it might not just be "mismatched" just due to bad luck x

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Wed 27-Mar-19 10:51:53

She obviously should have kept her big mouth shut. The comment about you and your OH being a "wrong mix"(?!) was probably a crack-handed attempt to reassure herself that any underlying genetic issue only applies to your children, and not to hers.

IHateUncleJamie Wed 27-Mar-19 10:53:00

IMHO your cousin was rude, thoughtless and insensitive. My dd has a chronic illness which although not directly inherited, appears to have come down my family line and DHs. I still feel guilty sometimes even though that’s totally illogical. If anyone said that to me, I’d be livid.


BlackSatinDancer Wed 27-Mar-19 10:54:10

YANBU. I think your cousin was insensitive in the way she said what she did and furthermore she had absolutely no reason to say it.

To say "You and your oh are a wrong mix" is very harsh and the way the "Wow" comment comes across makes me think she thinks you sometimes blow things out of proportion. Perhaps it just looks worse when the words are written down.

Does she often use her mouth before her brain is engaged?

Singlenotsingle Wed 27-Mar-19 10:54:55

She just said what she thought, without realizing she needed to keep her mouth shut.

AllMYSmellySocks Wed 27-Mar-19 10:57:22

I don't think you're over reacting AT ALL. I've put my foot in it before but would never make such a hurtful remark to someone who is probably already worried about their child. If it's a genetic issue then yes I would probably be concerned my child would have it too but I would never phrase it like she did. She sounds self absorbed or just plain spiteful.

BobBobBobbingAlong Wed 27-Mar-19 10:57:58

My parents were the 'wrong mix' which led to me getting cancer and my DH and I were the 'wrong mix' due to issues we both have. Our children have ended up with different issues. I don't see what's rude about it mentioning it at all. My mum frequently jokingly apologises for her genes.

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow Wed 27-Mar-19 10:58:52

I would be so upset about this - it's thoughtless and hurtful and a totally needless comment from her. Sorry you're sad about it - I totally understand your reaction thanks

Claply Wed 27-Mar-19 11:00:21

Sorry but no YANBU at all - she said she is worried she will one day have a child like your son? That is really offensive! As is you and your partner being a bad mix.

Pauperlil Wed 27-Mar-19 11:03:52

Thanks for all your kind supportive messages.

Cousin is quite blunt and matter of fact. I don't think she meant to be rude. I'm not holding a grudge on her or falling out, we're not close at all so no loss smile

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