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Who is being unreasonable here?!

(113 Posts)
Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 19:57:37

So, DM has a history of kicking off and drama and I've always been a bit of a black sheep.

My first Mother's Day on Sunday. Really excited but not wanting a fuss. Just a lie in, a cuppa in bed and maybe a walk with DP, DS and DSS later.

I was spanning on speaking to my siblings and explaining that we have a busy day (always leave mid afternoon to drop DSS home and spend time with DP Mum so she can spend time with DS.

My thoughts were, maybe do brunch with my DM, have a walk, then go see DP Mum and spend some time with her.

Anyhow, get a message explaining a table has been booked early Sunday afternoon with loads of family, my DM Mum's side. Can we all go. I explain that we have DSS and not sure what our plans are etc. Cue immediately shitty response (she has form for this) saying how difficult I am. Then I explain that we're just trying to keep everyone happy and also try and have a bit of time for me to do what I want to do as it's my first one. Get told to have a nice Mother's Day at home, and she just wanted some time with her children (fwiw I make the effort to ensure she sees DS 2/3/4 times a week and she sees the rest of us just as much.

This was weeks ago, so obviously we hadn't even spoken about plans for Mother's Day at this point. Me and DP dabble with the idea of going and then taking his DM for a meal, but frankly we just can't afford it. We've just moved, we're still paying for the old house and it just seems like a huge ask for a simple day. I want to show them both we love them and appreciate everything they do for us but we just can't afford that.

I've sat on it for a few weeks and after a wine decided it was ridiculous and that we would just ensure we saw both DM on the day and spend some quality time giving gifts, cards etc.

Cue tonight, had arranged to see DM and was going to carefully bring it up, and she's not home. So I speak to my DF. He is of the opinion that we should go for this meal with them and not take DP DM for a meal instead another day I've explained I think it's unfair and if it were just me and DP it wouldn't be such an issue but now we have DS she's going to want to spend time with him, and DSS on Mother's Day.

DP Mum hasn't requested anything. We've done them all some hand painted plant pots with the boys' handprints etc and cards. We will give these to her and would have taken her for a cup of tea somewhere.

It's looking like we're going to have to sick up this meal to keep the peace and hope to go DP Mum doesn't find out we've gone for a meal with my Mum and her two GC, one of whom isn't my DM GC! I'd be so hurt in that scenario.

She has form for this and I want to out my foot down, but I also don't want it to blow up, especially over bloody Mother's Day. I just wanted a lovely chilled out day, to see DM and DP Mum with the kids and thought everyone would be happy.

My Great Nan died last year and I think they're all rallying together for her daughters (my DNan and Great Aunties) which I get, and I would like to go. But going would mean we don't get a walk, and we would get to DP Mum's way too late to do anything but a quick hi, shovel tea down DS then leave to get home for his bedtime.

Please someone tell me I'm not being unreasonable!? I really would have thought she'd have wanted me to really enjoy my first Mother's Day. Not be stressed to high hell over keeping her happy.

Any advice on how to solve this too would be greatly appreciated.

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:00:24

Sorry for the typos. Should read that we shouldn't take DP Mum for a meal, but cook her something another day instead.

Hellohah Tue 26-Mar-19 20:00:43

Does your DP have siblings? What are her plans? Can she come to the meal too?

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:03:52

He has a brother with no kids and is a bit useless at all that malarkey.

She lives an hour and a half away. So I did wonder about her coming over for the weekend (which would be stressful and ruin any hope of me just having time with my partner and the boys - but was happy to do it to placate everyone). So in the messages where she got shitty I said to book for 5 of us as it'll be easier to take us off than get us in. Her response was 'thats a bit weird bringing DP Mum with us all for Mother's Day'

Bigonesmallone3 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:05:56

Tell everyone that you will see them either before or after Mother's Day but as it is your first Mother's Day you are going to spend it exactly how you want without any stresses!

Chocolateisfab Tue 26-Mar-19 20:06:57

Personally I would say home, tell dm /mil you are hosting afternoon tea if they are interested.
Do not pander to this crap from your dm. You are a dm now!! Put yourself first. You are also entitled to enjoy your dc stress - free!! Do not dump mil for such a bratty oversized teen!

LordNibbler Tue 26-Mar-19 20:07:45

I hate it when people like your DP's mum suffer simply because they don't make a fuss and make demands. Your mother sounds awfully self centred. She's doesn't seem to care that this is your first mothers day and special to you.
If you give in to her this year, you will be setting a precedent. What do YOU want to do?
Also think on, would you treat your child like this when they are grown up? If the answer is no, then don't allow your mother to do it to you.

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:08:02

Ah, I wish I had the balls for that but there'd be absolute uproar! Things have only gotten better in the last 18 months between me and my parents and I don't want it to go downhill again.

Middlrm Tue 26-Mar-19 20:09:38

I am with bigonesmallon3 x x

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:11:37

Funnily enough @LordNibbler I said to DS tonight 'dont worry I don't expect this from you. Just a snuggle and a cup of tea in bed will do'. Not that he understands me!

I'll make sure DP Mum doesn't suffer for it. If we go to this meal we'll have to take her out for a meal but it'll stretch us very thin.

I know this issue with setting a precedent. She did this for my cousins 18th. Kicked off because it would have meant me losing half the weekend with DSS to attend and she went mental to the point I went without DP and DS whilst they dropped DSS home and there were only about 6 people there! Only went because Nan had just died and everyone was feeling crappy so didn't want to add to it. But you're right, it's ridiculous.

LordNibbler Tue 26-Mar-19 20:12:52

Good parents do not give out love depending on if you do what they want you to. We as parents are supposed to love unconditionally. Your mother sounds controlling, and if you want to spend the rest of your life appeasing her then you must do so. But no one who loves anyone else takes their happiness over someone elses. I won't see my own son on mothers day, because he will be with his son and dp. That's how life moves on, it's their time now. I know he doesn't love me any less, and I'm proud he is putting the mother of his child first and making her day special.

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:15:28

That's a very good point @LordNibbler. I just find myself always wanting her approval. Things are so much better but I'm still evidently the black sheep. She treats me and my sister so differently it's unreal.

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:16:16

And that's so lovely that you're understanding and supportive of that. I think my DM has always truffles to accept that I'm a big girl now with my own family.

OKBobble Tue 26-Mar-19 20:19:28

Seriously I wouldn't bother. You are the mum now. Tell her you are being treated by your family and you will see her in the week as usual.

thefirst48 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:27:53

I am baffled why you want to move mountains for this woman. It is your day too. Stick to your original plan and fuck your mother.

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:38:01

@thefirst48 because she can be so lovely and loving and just awesome. It's like a constant yo-yo.

Cherrysoup Tue 26-Mar-19 20:38:01

I’m another one who thinks it’s time to change the dynamic, unless you ant this every year for the next 30! So what if she gets upset? She’s clearly not giving a fuck about your feelings and she has more to lose, lovely new baby gs etc. Put your foot down, remind her you told her weeks ago what YOUR arrangements for the day were and forge ahead with what you want to do. Time to get out of her control and away from her demands. You’re an adult, you have a child, it’s your first Mother’s Day, don’t let her ruin it.

You’re being nice including both her and your dp’s mum. Your mum can’t have it all her way and if she keeps threatening and moaning, tell her to fuck off. I did my mum the other day and boy, was it overdue!

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:41:08

@cherrysoup thank you. You're totally right. It's just if I tell her that she'll ignore me, be shitty with me, want a whole talk about it that will turn into an arguement. My siblings and DF will take her side.

I must admit the way she's behaving wants to take DP Mum for a meal, which would be far easier having DSS with us and seeing as we'll be over her way anyway.

Congrats on telling your Mum where to go! I wish I had your balls!

I guess sits comply and have a relationship or don't and barely ever see her, and sometimes I just want my Mum!

sweeneytoddsrazor Tue 26-Mar-19 21:03:35

Not the point of the thread ut shouldn't dss be with his Mum?

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 21:08:11

My Mum mentioned this also. He'll see her in the evening, and may want him back earlier but it hasn't been mentioned or discussed yet. DP downstairs get to see him on Father's Day if it doesn't all on his weekend. He gets a phonecall and a card.

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 21:08:43

We've done her a plant pot too so hopefully it'll be nice him coming home with that for her smile

sweeneytoddsrazor Tue 26-Mar-19 21:26:14

@Dera1234 thats a lovely thing to do.

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 21:29:04

@sweeneytoddsrazor cheers. Figured I'd like the same if the situation was reversed.

Dera1234 Tue 26-Mar-19 21:32:41

Just thought, what about offering to drop DSS off earlier in the day, take DP Mum for lunch then race back for this meal? Although saying that I don't think there are enough hours in the day before 1pm, we'd be having lunch with DP Mum at 11am!

sighrollseyes Tue 26-Mar-19 21:37:49

Sorry but sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself and say no. If there's uproar so what! I can't ever understand parents who can't understand what it's like to have kids even though they've been there themselves.
You can't always just settle for what everyone else wants you to do, sometimes you need to put your foot down otherwise people walk all over you because they know they can.

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