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To expect my husband to be able to look after our baby for an hour?

(82 Posts)
CustardCreamLover Tue 26-Mar-19 19:52:28

I tutor online. An hour at a time. Today it was my husband who had to look after the baby. Recently it's been more often his mother. I had to stop my lesson after 40 minutes because he couldn't stop the baby from screaming. The second I took him off him he stopped. Was it the baby or my husband causing the issue here? I think it's my husband. The baby is fine with his mother. I'm.so pissed off but I don't know if I should be??

Dohangoversgetworseasyougetold Mon 01-Apr-19 07:35:42

"hardly has any alone time with his dad because he hands him over every time he starts crying"

Agree with previous poster that this is the problem.

Ihatehashtags Mon 01-Apr-19 06:43:23

A hard hour!!!! Well I hope he appreciates how amazing you are then!! He needs to grow a pair.

BertieBotts Sun 31-Mar-19 20:23:24

It's just a confidence thing smile When he tells you he found it hard he's not suggesting that he has it worse than you do - he's just looking for a bit of reassurance that he's doing alright. It is hard to look after a baby so I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge that. He will defo find it easier the more he does it.

LannieDuck Sun 31-Mar-19 12:23:40

The more he does it, the easier it will get. Book in some more tutoring asap.

CustardCreamLover Sun 31-Mar-19 11:37:48

He managed but said to me after it was a hard hour!!!!! I do it almost 24/7!! I did suggest he take him out in the pushchair if he wouldn't stop crying. To be fair the baby will only be Held in a sitting upright position when awake and he seems to have forgotten how to sleep in the day 😑

SoHotADragonRetired Sun 31-Mar-19 10:24:35

Kick him out at 11 and tell him he goes for a walk.

Celebelly Sun 31-Mar-19 09:53:18

This would drive me bonkers! DD is seven weeks old and DP has her on his own multiple times a week, sometimes for 3+ hours if I've left expressed milk while I catch up on sleep. He's learned ways to soothe and entertain her because he's just had to! She's his daughter too. Of course, typically he is the one getting all the big smiles now she's started social smiling hmm

IncrediblySadToo Sun 31-Mar-19 09:41:07

Take your laptop and do your lesson from elsewhere or make him go out for an hour. Being in the same house is not going to work.

Sickly babies are fine in slings, you just need to find the right one. Look up your nearest sling library or find out which of your friends has a sling obsession!

It’s not your baby, it’s your DH and he needs to sort himself out.

CustardCreamLover Sun 31-Mar-19 09:24:01

Gaaaaaaa I'm about to do another lesson and already the baby has been handed off to me!!! MIL was here yesterday and he was fine so I'm pretty sure my husband is just panicking and the baby picks up on it. I've left plenty of milk and I'm feeding him now so I hope that at 11am he will be able to cope for just 60 minutes!! I will report back because this is starting to drive me a bit potty 🤪🤪

SoHotADragonRetired Thu 28-Mar-19 11:56:01

I know the vomiting is no fun, but if baby is gaining weight and doesn't appear to be in pain from refluxing, it is a laundry problem rather than a medical problem. If the baby is in pain then you can look into medication, but in the absence of pain the drugs do have side effects and are unlikely to do much/be worth it. But definitely a sling, it's usually great for sicky babies.

I realised from watching my MIL that when DC1 cried DH and I would be all 'oh no, the baby's crying, why is he crying, I don't know why he's crying, how can I make him stop, I don't know how to make him stop, we're terrible parents, OH FUCK'. Whereas MIL would be 'Oh, the baby is crying. I dont know why, but I'll try a few things and I'll figure it out'. She was just calm and trusted in herself plus had enough exposure to babies crying that she knew it would stop eventually. It might be worth talking about it with him and empathising with his panic/lack of confidence rather than framing it as 'you're doing it wrong ', but also being clear that he needs exposure and practice to build up his confidence.

Then just hand him the baby and either make him go out or go out yourself grin

CustardCreamLover Thu 28-Mar-19 11:45:56

@sohot you've basically described us! My husband constantly says 'I think he's hungry'when he's crying incessantly. Sometimes he is but sometimes he isn't! I agree with MIL calming him because she's calm
She's had 2 kids and has another grandchild living with her at the moment so she knows what she's doing unlike us!
Definitely need to do something about the constant vomiting I use about 20 muslin cloths a day. Doctor doesn't seem concerned because he's gaining a lot of weight.

CheshireChat Wed 27-Mar-19 15:06:01

He needs practice definitely.

A sling should be really good for reflux if you pop them in sorta vertically (not used a sling with a newborn myself though). Also make sure you put a little folded towel under their mattress so it's slightly elevated.

Also, if it doesn't get better, medication can work wonders

Skittlesss Wed 27-Mar-19 15:03:19

*So if baby just wants mum, how do you explain MIL managing ok for the hour?!

This from OP:

The second I took him off him he stopped.*

Still doesn’t explain why the mother in law looks after baby with no problems.

Skittlesss Wed 27-Mar-19 15:02:41

Babyface, are you actually unable to read and understand what people are saying or are you determined to say the opposite?

Your post does not even address what I asked.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney Wed 27-Mar-19 14:50:43

@Skittlesss

So if baby just wants mum, how do you explain MIL managing ok for the hour?!

This from OP:

The second I took him off him he stopped.

SoHotADragonRetired Wed 27-Mar-19 13:42:06

Absent any further evidence that he's crap, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he lacks confidence rather than interest. DH and I both used to panic when our first cried. He was EBF and it used to DRIVE ME TO DISTRACTION when DH would hand him back saying "I think he's hungry" whenever he started crying. I think he was intimidated by how much of an advantage having boobs gave me and thought that it somehow went along with having more intrinsic knowledge about babycare. We persevered, I told him to pull his socks up, he started doing great and he was 100% brilliant with our second as a newborn because he had the confidence. Incidentally, I noticed that my MIL was great at settling my first DS too, largely because she was calm and confident and we weren't!

RomanyQueen1 Wed 27-Mar-19 13:21:03

He needs to take care of his child, why does his mum usually do it?
Suggest he takes more opportunities to be on his own with his child so they bond and get used to each other.

SnuggyBuggy Wed 27-Mar-19 13:17:40

I wouldn't let reflux stop you. I used to wedge a muslin under my chin when putting DD in the sling as there was always a bit of spit up

Skittlesss Wed 27-Mar-19 13:04:15

So if baby just wants mum, how do you explain MIL managing ok for the hour?!

Wallsbangers Wed 27-Mar-19 12:53:30

He sounds like he's not confident and babies are strange creatures who can sense this. I'd get him to spend more time with LO. My husband would take ours out for a walk in the early days as he wasn't really sure what to do with him and the pram seemed the obvious answer! If you've both agreed you're doing this work, he needs to step up and support.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney Wed 27-Mar-19 12:31:38

Literally nobody is saying that...? A baby crying while being held and comforted isn't "crying it out"

Except the baby stopped crying as soon as passed to mum... Implication being it was crying for its mum. Knowing the person that the baby is crying for is in the house sort of is cry it out. I know sometimes it's unavoidable, my point is just that people are being way too harsh on the dad in this scenario. Sounds like he just wasn't what the baby wanted. Yes there are things he can try long term to get the baby used to him more but in that moment he couldn't soothe it. Not really his fault IMO.

Gth1234 Wed 27-Mar-19 12:31:02

YANBU

You know you aren't.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney Wed 27-Mar-19 12:27:28

I'm not illiterate, no. It was just this part: husband tends to move him about too much no matter how many times I suggest he doesn't. I've been told on multiple occasions that I need to be calm around the baby by said husband who then does the complete opposite when in charge

that implies you think he knows what to do to calm the baby and chooses not to do it.

BertieBotts Wed 27-Mar-19 12:23:31

It's not letting a baby cry for their dad to have a go at settling them. I don't advocate leaving babies to cry at all, I think it's cruel. OTOH all babies cry sometimes while their parents are still working out what settles them, it's not avoidable. It's a shame he didn't do it from the start, because it creates this situation where it does feel avoidable (and therefore cruel) since the mother has gone through the awkward oh help what to do stage and found things which work but he hasn't. But realistically the baby has two parents and it's not fair on the mum for her to be the only one who can settle the baby simply because the dad doesn't want to go through that awkward stage. It's also very restrictive for the mum, and potentially for the family if it's affecting her earning power. It doesn't take very long and in reality anyway the mum will need to go through it again lots more times because as children grow different kinds of things upset them and what used to settle them will stop working and so on. So it is no great cruelty for the dad to try, and in the long run it benefits everyone - mum has more freedom, dad gets a better relationship with child, child has twice the possibility for love and comfort meaning they feel more secure.

I didn't say you can "just google" how to soothe a crying baby - it was a way to get suggestions if he tends to freeze, as is easy to do when you're faced with a squirmy crying baby and you don't have much experience. The usual things to try are fairly simple after all - sing/talk, bounce, sway, pat, wind, change of environment/position, pram, toys etc - and sometimes they just are inconsolable/need boob at that age, but from what the OP writes, it sounds like his lack of experience is more the issue than a baby who is desperately distressed without mum. But it would probably be worth it for all three of them if he can do more practising and attachment-building at times when it is not desperately needed, as it would be less pressured.

IME especially with somebody who has these very clear gendered ideas of parenting it is quite important to get it clear that even if he feels he is better at certain parenting tasks he is still just as responsible for all of them. Otherwise you can end up lumped into roles and the mother's role is invariably and mysteriously much more drudgery than the "fun dad" role, and then it doesn't feel like you're a team.

RainbowWaffles Wed 27-Mar-19 12:10:17

Honestly, at that age I think the baby just wants its mum, especially if breast fed. My DH has always been a childcare superstar and one of our babies couldn’t have cared less which one of us was there, the other one sometimes just cried unless it was me. Just one of those things. No amount of doing what I did with the baby would work for him although it did work for my mum and sister. I figured it’s a different body type thing, they are squishy is the same places as me but he just isn’t as cuddly. If you have to work just get him to take the baby out of the house for that time so it isn’t a distraction. They will both survive.

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