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To find this is very insulting

(80 Posts)
sweetdreams30 Tue 26-Mar-19 17:38:53

I invited my mum to our house for Mother's Day as well as DHs mum.My mum said she'll come but doesn't want dinner even thought she will be here. This is a common pattern every time she comes out she never eats anything I cook. If she stays overnight she'll just have a bowl of cereal and if I make a fry/eggs she won't touch it or else she tells me to sit down and cooks it herself. The last time she was out I was after cooking a roast chicken and she didn't want that yet the next time I went to have lunch in hers she made a roast chicken. As far as I know I haven't poisoned anyone yet and we have people over for dinner a lot plus I've 3 kids. AIBU to find this insulting? If I was cooking steak I'd always ask how someone would like it cooked and if someone left something on the plate they didn't like it wouldn't bother me.

Bluerussian Wed 27-Mar-19 08:37:07

Some people are just like that, they don't mean to be insulting but it wouldn't hurt to mention to her that you find it hurtful and to ask her why.

I had a cousin who would only eat what she cooked herself; her eldest moved away to the Scottish borders and when she went to visit she'd go to the shop every day and buy her own food! Odd.

Armadillostoes Wed 27-Mar-19 08:40:13

Thanks Jessie. That doesn't really change anything whatsoever though!

bumblingbovine49 Wed 27-Mar-19 08:51:59

Blimey you really do.learn something new every day on here. I can understand not wanting to eat.i someone's house if it is really filthy but refusing to eat anything anyone else had cooked ever is a new one on me.

You live and learn

JessieMcJessie Wed 27-Mar-19 08:52:41

You can usually be a bit more direct with your own Mum though, and you’d know a lot more about her background and historic behaviour to perhaps get to the root of the issue. Plus whether she’s always been like this.

FuriousCheekyFucker Wed 27-Mar-19 08:53:45

When I divorced and had the kids at my DD and DSM I cooked everything for me and the kids; my DSM is an awful cook and her idea of a nutritious meal would be turkey twizzlers and microchips, or an undercooked frozen pizza.

It just wasn't worth the hassle of "insulting" her by not eating what she had prepared, and the lengths I had to go to that meant we missed her meals, or had already eaten were ridiculous.

We both meant well, both wanted the best for the kids, I didn't have much money, but I wish I had had a big chat about it rather than try and hide it all for fear of offending someone.

It might have made it worse though, they were massively kind in helping me get back on my feet and having somewhere to put a roof over the kids heads and a kitchen to cook in, so on balance I would probably do it again.

goingtotown Wed 27-Mar-19 08:53:58

sweeny I thought that Little Chef had closed its doors.

Shinyletsbebadguys Wed 27-Mar-19 09:00:32

My dmum is like this ...shes not quite so overt but rarely will she eats something I've made when I was in contact...for her it's about control and food issues and honestly over the years I've got so fed up if her somewhat prissy attitude to other people and her belief she is constantly right I simply don't bother anymore

We aren't in enough contact in order for it to come up now but beforehand I literally just gave up and didn't offer her anything....she was welcome to make herself tea and coffee (because when I made it she would pull a face and in a strained way say thanks and then leave it ) and after a whole she asked why I doubt offer her food and I told her

She did a bit of poor me that she was so terribly distressed she upset me but frankly I shrugged and said I didn't really care but I wasn't going to bother anymore...for a while it suited both of us

If be inclined to stop bothering offering or making tea...let her sort her own stuff out

Armadillostoes Wed 27-Mar-19 09:22:24

Jessica-I meant that it has no relevance to my fundamental point, rather than the situation in general. Someone who has anxiety or other issues which make eating food offered by a family member could avoid a lot of upset by just explaining this, as opposed to causing hurt and upset by saying nothing and refusing the food.

FullOfJellyBeans Wed 27-Mar-19 09:24:20

I know someone who has anxiety about eating in other people's homes. It doesn't bother me because she was upfront and made it clear it was her issue and not a reflection on me.

JessieMcJessie Wed 27-Mar-19 09:55:15

Agreed armadillo. So many issues in threads like this seem to arise out of people not talking to each other!

shumway Wed 27-Mar-19 09:58:54

My mum won't eat at my sister's because of the state of her kitchen - cat's litter box in there and washing up left for days.

longwayoff Thu 28-Mar-19 11:40:05

Come to think of it, my daughter won't eat at my house, she's vegetarian, I'm not. I'm so used to it it hadn't even occurred to me that we could make it into a big deal between us.

TapasForTwo Thu 28-Mar-19 12:02:10

longwayoff my daughter is vegetarian, so I cook vegetarian food for her. It isn't difficult. Surely you don't eat meat at every meal?

Vulpine Thu 28-Mar-19 12:10:57

It is pretty rude to refuse to eat meals at other people's houses. Just be polite and eat a bit at least

longwayoff Thu 28-Mar-19 21:03:13

Hi tapas, I'd be perfectly happy to cook for her and rarely eat meat myself but, as may be the case with OPs mother, it wouldn't be sufficient. She doesn't cook or eat or touch meat products. She's a bit obsessive about it. My pots and plates etc., Simply wouldn't do unless she'd scrubbed them all herself as she knows they may have been touched by meat or fish. So, easier for all of she cooks for herself. It's not a big deal.

Langrish Thu 28-Mar-19 21:07:42

First thought was is she trying to lose weight? Or, not knowing how old she is, metabolism slows right down as you get older. My mum eats like a little bird but loves cooking for other people and is perfectly healthy.
Personally, unless you think she’s ill, I wouldn’t worry about it.

whyhello2 Thu 28-Mar-19 21:15:16

I'm very similar, don't let anyone including my husband make eggs or chicken for me. If he makes chickens dish I tend to leave the chicken.

TapasForTwo Thu 28-Mar-19 23:11:05

Why whyhello2?

longwayoff it sounds like your daughter is just being difficult. Most of our stuff goes through the dishwasher, and DD knows that I am meticulous with utensils if I am cooking both meat and veggie dishes. When she goes away there is a lot less washing up and more fridge space grin

whyhello2 Fri 29-Mar-19 06:54:49

Honestly don't know, I always remove bits from my eggs and cut waste a lot of the chicken I don't like the look of. I think it's because my husband etc doesn't do this 😏

JessieMcJessie Fri 29-Mar-19 08:46:13

What bits do you remove from the eggs WhyHello2? confused

whyhello2 Fri 29-Mar-19 08:57:51

White, brown bits? Not shocked you haven't noticed any in your eggs 🤔confused

whyhello2 Fri 29-Mar-19 08:58:11


JessieMcJessie Fri 29-Mar-19 09:06:14

In the uncooked white, or brown crispy bits from frying?

I might have seen a microscopic brown fleck in uncooked white before, never gave a second thought to removing it. You’d end up losing half the white as you tried. Eggs are natural products, they’re not supposed to be perfect.

whyhello2 Fri 29-Mar-19 10:13:35

I manage quite fine 👍🏻

ClaraTheClown Fri 29-Mar-19 11:05:49

I do think chicken and eggs do make quite a lot of people squeamish tbh. My dh HATES them and won’t go near them. My friend will eat them but is really strange about them. If I cook eggs for her she will often ask if she or I could cook them a bit longer etc. She went through a (slightly weird and hilarious) phase of believing that snacking on hard boiled eggs was THE key to being slim 🙄. So she forced herself to eat them but she really felt ill doing so and wouldn’t even talk about eggs while she was doing it. She is very funny and actually incredibly bright, but sometimes takes odd notions.

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