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To find this is very insulting

(80 Posts)
sweetdreams30 Tue 26-Mar-19 17:38:53

I invited my mum to our house for Mother's Day as well as DHs mum.My mum said she'll come but doesn't want dinner even thought she will be here. This is a common pattern every time she comes out she never eats anything I cook. If she stays overnight she'll just have a bowl of cereal and if I make a fry/eggs she won't touch it or else she tells me to sit down and cooks it herself. The last time she was out I was after cooking a roast chicken and she didn't want that yet the next time I went to have lunch in hers she made a roast chicken. As far as I know I haven't poisoned anyone yet and we have people over for dinner a lot plus I've 3 kids. AIBU to find this insulting? If I was cooking steak I'd always ask how someone would like it cooked and if someone left something on the plate they didn't like it wouldn't bother me.

Neverender Tue 26-Mar-19 17:39:53

Have you asked her why?

Ragwort Tue 26-Mar-19 17:41:41

Sounds very odd. Does she eat food other people cook or is it just your cooking?

Can you say something like ‘I know you won’t want to join us for lunch so can you come round at x o’clock and join us for a coffee?’.

Does she just sit at the table and watch you all eat? confused.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino Tue 26-Mar-19 17:43:15

I think you need to ask her straight what the problem is, but make it clear it’s either what you cook or nothing and if she refuses to eat that makes everyone feel awkaward so best she doesn’t come.

MolyHolyGuacamole Tue 26-Mar-19 17:44:15

Sounds like she has OCD, surrounding food that needs to be cooked. She probably only eats the food if she cooks it herself.

Singlenotsingle Tue 26-Mar-19 17:44:26

If she doesn't want it, all the more for those that do! grin

LaviniaTheLemur Tue 26-Mar-19 17:44:41

It isn’t necessarily insulting... it depends why. Maybe she doesn’t want to feel like a burden, expecting you to cook for her etc?

I’m not a very good cook and I actually wouldn’t find it insulting if someone said they’d rather a take out or something, but that’s because I’m genuinely not a very good cook.

sweetdreams30 Tue 26-Mar-19 17:47:31

@MolyHolyGuacamole I think you nailed it on the head there with her wanting to cook the food herself. Sometimes she has no choice but to have dinner at a relatives house and i always hear all about it in a negative way.

sweetdreams30 Tue 26-Mar-19 17:48:31

But then she eats in restaurants and takeaways...

BlueJava Tue 26-Mar-19 17:49:59

But stuff for dinner - invite her to cook it - sit back, relax smile

SalemShadow Tue 26-Mar-19 17:55:42

Not being rude to you but is it possible she thinks your house isn't clean? I know people like this.

justmyview Tue 26-Mar-19 17:59:15

It might be insulting, or perhaps she has some anxiety around food? It does sound odd. Have you asked her what the issue is?

sweetdreams30 Tue 26-Mar-19 18:01:29

I don't think so I'm at home most of them time and dc have a playroom. I Hoover and mop once a day. I've very little clutter.

sweetdreams30 Tue 26-Mar-19 18:06:25

I haven't asked her, she's not easy to talk to about anything as she takes everything like it's a personal attack towards her. I generally keep conversation light

WeepingWillowWeepingWino Tue 26-Mar-19 18:09:38

Then I don’t think we can really help you - I don’t mean that meanly but if you won’t or can’t ask her then her intentions remain unknowable, and you just put up with it or stop inviting her.

warriorprincessandwidowed Tue 26-Mar-19 18:20:25

Is she an Irish mammy?

shivbo2014 Tue 26-Mar-19 18:20:29

I have issues eating at peoples houses. I will only ever eat in my own house.

I am not 100% sure but I think it started when I was really young and my mums friend bought me to a really dirty house where I was offered milk that had curdled and old bread. I then got nits a few days later and was terrified and must have thought it was from there.

I will eat in restaurants though although I can be fussy. Maybe she has silmilar issues around food?

sweeneytoddsrazor Tue 26-Mar-19 18:28:24

My MiL will only eat food she has cooked or restaurant food.On the odd occasion she visits us (4 hr drive) they stay for an hour amd then stop in a Little -theif- Chef on the way home.

INoahGuy Tue 26-Mar-19 18:31:51

My DM is like this. It can be embarrassing when she goes to people’s houses as she won’t even have a cup of tea made by someone else. We just leave her to it.

Burlea Tue 26-Mar-19 18:34:00

I've been married nearly 40 years and MIL has never had a cup of tea at my house or even use the loo.
In fact when she came to babysit she brought her own cup, flask, sugar and milk plus a plate and a Tupperware box with a sandwich and cake inside.
I never let it bother me it wasn't worth it.

ImposterSyndrome101 Wed 27-Mar-19 04:10:00

My mam doesn't LIKE food other people have cooked for her, but she'll eat it because they've made the effort and she'll compliment or thank them for it. It's an anxiety thing with her. Shes a fantastic cook but worries she'll accidentally poison someone. Occasionally I or a sibling will cook something and leave it on the side and she'll taste it and like it and ask if she can have it but I think when someone cooks for her she is anxious about them watching for her response and feeling like they're watching her eat. If there are otherwise no issues I'd not take it personally, people are weird.

PregnantSea Wed 27-Mar-19 04:15:13

If you think she's doing it to be insulting then I'd just completely ignore it. Don't pander to it. Always assume that she will eat what everyone else is having but then when she says no thanks just say ok in a light and breezy way. If your DC ever say "why isn't grandma eating" just say, "I don't know darling, you'll have to ask her".

SteppinOutwithMyBaby Wed 27-Mar-19 04:23:41

I can remember a rather bizarre incident when I was a young child. The whole extended family on my mum's side were away for a few days. One of my aunts forgot to bring her own knife and fork with her, and refused to used any of the provided cutlery, even if it was boiled for 15 minutes. Instead, she ate with a can opener that she had for some reason brought from home.

As I got older, I became more aware of her doing other odd things.

MrsEricBana Wed 27-Mar-19 04:37:05

I have a friend like this. It's a control thing. She even takes her own special tea to coffee mornings. It's not you. I'd just invite her to the non-meal elements of events.

Bleary3000 Wed 27-Mar-19 04:48:06

My mum is like this, not QUITE as extreme, but i can sense a level of distaste over my food and she will try to avoid eating my cooking if possible, by offering to bring food or buy takeaways instead etc. Among friends, i have a reputation as an excellent cook! I cook every day from scratch! sorry everyone

I think it's because she can't see me as anything other than that grubby 6yr old grin

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