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Update on realising my friend is a user and I a willing fool !

(96 Posts)
gingerbeerbeast Tue 26-Mar-19 14:53:48

Following a thread where I asked whether I was unreasonable for feeling hurt when a friend of mine essentially dumped me when he met his now girlfriend . I got great advice and decided to completely detach myself from being so available to him as a friend as I was then being ghosted when I was surplus to requirements. It hurt me desperately as up
To this point we had very regular and consistent contact .. nothing sinister. Just friendship . So I deliberately did not respond to messaging yesterday and last night and this morning , remained aloof but professional in the office etc and despite it being only day 2 , he is upset looking, following me into my office approximately 5 times today already, looks on edge, nervous and it is really really awkward. I feel good and delighted that I have come to that decision as I really was being used as a filler/ gap rather than being invested in as a friend , as another helpful poster pointed out. So how can I deal with this . It’s getting so uncomfortable . It’s the unspoken situation that is strange. If he asks, should I be honest and say I feel that we have different expectations of our friendship and I feel used or should I continue to be aloof but professional and hope it fades out. Thank you again for all advice and your thoughts are appreciated .

ShartGoblin Tue 26-Mar-19 14:59:11

I think I would be honest personally. I've had friends drop me during the honeymoon phase and they normally come back as if nothing ever happened (because they were blissfully unaware), it's fairly normal and I usually forgive and forget. I've also had male friends drop me because they were never friends in the first place, just wanted to get in my pants and I've found that quite devastating.

Being honest will help if it's the first situation. It won't damage the relationship if it's the second, it might be embarrassing but I'd say worth the risk if it turns out he is a real friend and is just busy being loved up.

Newadventure Tue 26-Mar-19 15:02:05

Can you post a link to the last thread??
I remember reading your very first post on it but I didn't rtft.

My first thoughts when I did read it though were that he's got a new gf so hes probably too busy being in lurrv atm. Not that he doesn't care about you. And now you're saying he's been following you and looking sad?? Yeah. Now I think even more so that he's just been caught up in his new romance, which happens. He still wants you as a friend.

As I said though I didn't rtft the last time so I'm not sure how things have progressed and I'm sorry if I've said anything that has already been said/useless.

I just think (from what I know) that he's not done anything wrong as such and now you're punishing him for it confused

AmIBU123 Tue 26-Mar-19 15:20:29

This sounds a bit unnecessary tbh. Why don't you just have a conversation with him about it? It doesn't have to be a serious chat, you can keep it casual.

PrivateCello Tue 26-Mar-19 15:21:43

And you are married right?

SAK1976 Tue 26-Mar-19 15:23:02

Maybe talk to him and explain how you feel. Seems like you are playing games, I wouldn't be arsed with you as you seem to high maintenance. He's obviously in the honeymoon stage, be happy for your friend

gingerbeerbeast Tue 26-Mar-19 15:24:10

I don’t seem to be able to post a link sorry. Thanks for responding to my post . To clarify , this is not a new relationship . We had been In a habit it where he would message consistently when he was bored or lonely and I would engage fully. The difference became clear in that I would respond regardless of what was going on on my life whereas he was only available as a friend when it suited him and essentially didn’t bother with me at all when not bored or lonely . It became one sided . Entirely my own fault as I was too available . I feel used as an ego boost or somewhat as a filler, again my own fault . So I decided to stop responding, replying, helping etc as I felt hurt and now I find myself in this dilemma. I certainly do not want to punish him. I want him to be happy and detach myself from this situation. Thanks

gingerbeerbeast Tue 26-Mar-19 15:26:30

Yes I am
Married with my own family. He is a colleague also . We would be quite close. I just want to keep it to work place friendship and get on with my own life rather than being the willing fool as I wrote on my title .no game
Playing at all. I have no interest in that. I don’t want awkwardness or trouble

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 26-Mar-19 15:27:47

I think you've taken this a bit far.

Absolutely detach if you are miserable now that he's being more realistic about contact and it's hurting you; but the better way to do that is to be civil and see it out. This way is likely to upset him, which will eventually upset you, and is the maximum-drama method.

It's pretty natural for people who talk a lot to get more attached than they otherwise would be; and you've come to rely on his company in the evenings as your husband is away. That level of communication was always going to be temporary, until one or both of you had something different to do in the evenings.

SAK1976 Tue 26-Mar-19 15:29:01

You are better off without him in your life if he treats you like that. His loss

Happyspud Tue 26-Mar-19 15:29:10

This is all very childish. And unprofessional having a big dramatic ignoring session in a work setting and feeling good that he’s all upset. Either be friends or don’t but this is quite petty and unnecessary.

gingerbeerbeast Tue 26-Mar-19 15:29:27

Yes . I really am not high maintenance . It is just a habit that went too far . I want zero drama which is why I just thought that fading it out a bit wouldn’t cause any trouble .

SeventhWave Tue 26-Mar-19 15:30:20

I want him to be happy and detach myself from this situation

Right, well... would you put his happiness before yours?

You have to decide what sort of outcome would make you happy first and foremost. There's no good came from making yourself miserable just so you could make someone else happy.

gingerbeerbeast Tue 26-Mar-19 15:32:56

There is no big ignoring happening. Jay keeping things light and happy. Keeping the heaviness out of it . I feel it’s time to end the intensity of it all as it was becoming such a habit that my evenings , that he was free, were being taken up
With responding and messaging and helping him which was not reiprocated .my own fault i know . Just became one sided and I felt used as a filler on rather than a friend

Tinkobell Tue 26-Mar-19 15:33:53

I'm confused by you OP, honestly I really am. To my mind you would only be a "willing fool" as you put it, if you actually were wanting more from this man than no strings, simple, platonic friendship. And I think if you are being completely and utterly honest with yourself you wanted an emotional relationship with this guy, more than just mates. It's the only rational explanation for the complexity of feelings which you are expressing on this thread, which I think goes well beyond "just mates" OP.

gingerbeerbeast Tue 26-Mar-19 15:34:37

What would make me happy is is getting on with our own lives in an evenly balanced friendship , where we both place as much importance on each other’s efforts and time . That’s why I thought detaching was the way to go

gingerbeerbeast Tue 26-Mar-19 15:38:47

I was a willing fool being so available to a friend who didn’t place as much importance on our friendship as I did . That’s simply it .there is nothing remotely romantic here! He is my friend for years but this has become a habit and I was too blind to see it .for example, if I needed help or support, he may or may not be available depending on whether he had more interesting things going on, whereas I was supportive regardless of what was happening to me. This is how I know it’s my own fault. But I see it now, and I want to deal with it with minimal hurt and drama

Tinkobell Tue 26-Mar-19 15:39:40

You wanted him to have an emotional dependacy upon you and you along......which actually, now he's got a girlfriend, he's probably finding she might now fulfill in his life. You are acting emotionally jilted. But really, what did you expect ...for him to pour his heart & soul out to his new girlfriend then whizz off to the kitchen to text you??? Or maybe just use her for the shallow stuff but retain you as number 1 confidence? Do grow up. Actually, a grown up mate would be just pleased for him.

AmIBU123 Tue 26-Mar-19 15:40:19

You're not fading it out though. You ignored his messages deliberating and are now acting aloof. I think you're putting a wall up because you're hurt, which is fair enough.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 26-Mar-19 15:40:26

I remember your thread OP - keep it bright and breezy now, treat him just like any other colleague and don't engage. He knows well what he's doing - he's the one who moved the goalposts. You've now metaphorically, 'gone home'.

Be as polite and friendly as you are to everybody else in the office and just shut down any weirdness - just say you're busy with the family - big smile - and leave it at that.

AmIBU123 Tue 26-Mar-19 15:41:10

deliberately !

PrivateCello Tue 26-Mar-19 15:42:08

Why don't you instead focus your energy on your spouse and children. You are acting quite like the jilted lover, regardless of what you say. Two threads over a guy when you are married yourself confused

thecatsthecats Tue 26-Mar-19 15:43:39

What would make me happy is is getting on with our own lives in an evenly balanced friendship , where we both place as much importance on each other’s efforts and time . That’s why I thought detaching was the way to go.

Ok, I'm going to put this into the perspective of one of my actual entirely platonic friends.

We text each other. Sometimes lots in a row. Sometimes it can go a month with nothing. Sometimes we're having a chat then someone in real life interupts, and the other will ghost. If we've spent all day together, we generally message less (in fact, when my husband is away, we don't even speak every day).

No one sits there totting up the 'time and effort' spent.
No one agonizes about the balance of friendship.
No one - I think - is posting online about how innocent the whole thing is.
No one plays games with contacts - you have no time for me, so here's none for you.

We're easy come, easy go. Always there to help weather the bad times, ready when we can to have fun. Friendship isn't about dependency.

OP, I honestly think that you need to admit to yourself that you need this man. Your feelings are way to intense, which exactly why you're finding it hard to pull away. I don't think he's done anything wrong. It's entirely normal to get sucked in to the honeymoon period.

Drum2018 Tue 26-Mar-19 15:46:10

Just be civil at work. I do think you should explain briefly to him why you are distancing yourself. You are doing the right thing as there is no point investing in the friendship if he is going to ditch you every time he has a girlfriend. After all, you were available to him and you're married. Just tell him that you are no longer available to be his back up friend for the times he is bored.

Tinkobell Tue 26-Mar-19 15:46:16

Sorry. But I think the OP is demanding a level of loyalty and exclusivity that I just don't recognise in true friendship. Old friends are pleased for one another, make allowances for each other are generous when someone gets engrossed in something, humour them, support them.....don't have a big flounce and strop off.

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