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How to handle this situation.....,

(105 Posts)
another20 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:29:00

Teenage DS has a long term GF. She is v controlling (he can’t see this yet). He wants her included in every family activity which where we can, we accommodate. However whenever there is an extended family event he also wants her to come along even though she has not been invited, is not liked and is not family. This puts me in a tricky situation - should I call the extended family member and ask that she be included at their expense - or ask him to do that himself - or tell him it is rude to ask if someone has clearly not been invited?

Myheartbelongsto Tue 26-Mar-19 13:30:10

Just say she's not invited, surely he understands?

Bookworm4 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:31:32

What age is he? Could you have a chat with her mum?

Barrenfieldoffucks Tue 26-Mar-19 13:32:51

If he's old enough for a serious girlfriend he's old enough to deal with it himself. He calls the relative and makes arrangements.

HollowTalk Tue 26-Mar-19 13:32:54

Just say, "It's just for family. Grandad can't afford to pay for partners."

Justmuddlingalong Tue 26-Mar-19 13:33:42

B and C. Tell him it's rude to ask for an invitation. If he wants to embarrass himself he can do the asking.

BlueMerchant Tue 26-Mar-19 13:34:32

I'd tell him it's rude to ask and that I'm certainly not getting involved. If he wants to ask himself that's down to him but it will put family member in an awkward position and make him look rude in the process.
I'd likely warn the family member that Ds may ask but that I'm in no way involved and not to feel obliged if it's not what they want.

icelollycraving Tue 26-Mar-19 13:36:49

I wouldn’t encourage them being joined at the hip so I wouldn’t intervene. It’s very rude to invite someone to an event particularly if they are not liked.

GottaGoGottaGo Tue 26-Mar-19 13:39:31

How old is he? If he's old enough to have a girlfriend, he is old enough to understand she can't be included in every family activity, especially if she hasn't been invited! And if he is insistent then he needs to ring and ask for himself, not your job to sort it out. Be firm and sit him down and explain.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Tue 26-Mar-19 13:42:34

I would tell him that you're happy to include his girlfriend in your plans where possible but it's not your place to invite her to events that other extended family are hosting/have arranged. Explain that it if the host/organiser says "tell DS he can bring his GF" then that's fine but you're not going to ask as that would be putting them on the spot and it's just bad manners. Explain that while you understand she is very important to him, she's not technically family so there may be some occasions where it's just not appropriate for her to be there. Don't tell him to ask family members himself if his GF can tag along, they may feel obliged to say yes.

another20 Tue 26-Mar-19 17:08:49

Thanks all. He is 18. Of course I know it is rude to ask to invite someone - but this tricky, demanding character has unsettled all of us. I am disappointed in my DS for not accepting the push back with grace and no doubt there will be fireworks and it will be another excuse where she will put us down.

mbosnz Tue 26-Mar-19 17:12:00

I would tell him that you're happy to include his girlfriend in your plans where possible but it's not your place to invite her to events that other extended family are hosting/have arranged. Explain that it if the host/organiser says "tell DS he can bring his GF" then that's fine but you're not going to ask as that would be putting them on the spot and it's just bad manners. Explain that while you understand she is very important to him, she's not technically family so there may be some occasions where it's just not appropriate for her to be there. Don't tell him to ask family members himself if his GF can tag along, they may feel obliged to say yes.

This.

And let her just keep on making things awkward for DS, because ultimately he's going to see her for the too much hard work that she is is.

Leeds2 Tue 26-Mar-19 17:14:57

Could you go to these events without DS and the girlfriend? Is he really that bothered? Or do you think he should attend?

Slimmer2018 Tue 26-Mar-19 17:17:08

There becomes a time when gf becomes ‘partner’ and yes I would expect them to be invited as a couple. Do the invitees know he has a gf? My niece is 19 and has been with bf since 14 so I wouldn’t dream of inviting 1 without the other. Same for me, I met ex husband at 15 married at 19, I would’ve been upset not to be included at 18. So I guess it depends on length and strength of relationship?

Bookworm4 Tue 26-Mar-19 17:23:43

Unusual for 18 yr olds to want to go to family events, usually too busy out doing their own thing. How long have they been together and what kind of things do you mean?

another20 Tue 26-Mar-19 18:22:21

This event is a milestone birthday dinner for his uncle. It is v sensitive as there has been a significant bereavement so only close family invited. They have been together 2 years. Uncle has never met her.

BritInUS1 Tue 26-Mar-19 18:23:49

He needs to call and ask himself

mbosnz Tue 26-Mar-19 18:29:03

I can see why she wants to go, as she obviously wants to make her place in the family.

However, it sounds like it is neither the time nor the place, and they're not doing themselves any favours pushing it. I'd be saying that the mature thing here is to accept the status quo gracefully.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain Tue 26-Mar-19 18:31:46

Can you point out that asking the GF would mean that other partners would need to be invited, and that increases costs for the organisers unfairly?

Otherwise I’d just be blunt- “Sorry DS, but given the circumstances re recent bereavement it’s for the best that we stick to close family this time.” and I would t enter into a debate about it.

StillCoughingandLaughing Tue 26-Mar-19 18:58:43

Given the circumstances, I wouldn’t sugar-coat it. Tell him straight, bereaved uncle’s wishes on his birthday trump teenage girl playing princess. Some time away from this little madam is exactly what he needs.

Bookworm4 Tue 26-Mar-19 19:23:35

Does he attend all her family events, seems odd for their age, usually a family do is the last thing they would go to. Do they go out much? Separately or with friends?

titchy Tue 26-Mar-19 19:31:58

If you think she is controlling why would you want to facilitate her continued control confused She's a girlfriend not a partner.

Unless there's a massive dripfeed where they live together and have a baby...

another20 Tue 26-Mar-19 19:34:40

He would only attend her immediate family events not extended family events. He is first year at uni - she has decided not to go to uni. He had a good social life at home before union but she doesn’t like going out to clubs / parties - so he would do those with his mates and she would choose not to go. She spends a lot of time at his uni halls now which we feel is limiting his uni experience.

saraclara Tue 26-Mar-19 19:36:08

If they've been together for two years, in my family, her presence would be assumed at any get together. Having said that, the bereaved uncle comes first on this occasion. It's a pretty easy thing to justify.

another20 Tue 26-Mar-19 19:37:30

I don’t want to facilitate her control at all - quite to opposite but I feel I need to tread carefully so as not to polarise the situation which causes conflict and I loose him.

But I can see that I am falling into that trap.

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