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Use donor sperm for sibling

(27 Posts)
DorothyToto Tue 26-Mar-19 12:58:23

I have one DS who is 18 months. I split up with his dad whilst pregnant but he and now his new partner are very involved in DS life having him 3x a week at present.

I never imagined having an only child and would love DS to have a sibling. I'm very content on my own and have a very supportive family who have helped with DS since day 1.

WIBU to have a sibling for DS using donor sperm? I cannot face the thought of involving another man in my life at any point in the near future so feel like this is my only option.

My main concerns are for the sibling and not current DS. DS dad has a very well paid job and quality of life and so far DS has been quite spoiled. His sibling would obviously not have this and I worry it would be hard with having 1 child getting 2x Christmas/bday presents and 2x holidays whilst the other only gets 1.

It feels like a very difficult decision to make. My heart is desperate for a second child and I know DS would be the best big brother but my head is very conflicted!

lalalonglegs Tue 26-Mar-19 13:10:12

While I can understand your desire for a second child, the obvious inequalities in the situation would make it a no for me. It would be very divisive for the younger sibling to see their brother having a close and involved father lavishing attention on him while they had only one parent. I also wonder what would happen if your wealthy ex wanted, for example, to take your son away on expensive holidays/pay for private education etc. It just seems a set-up that could breed a lot of sadness and resentment.

Sparklingbrook Tue 26-Mar-19 13:19:47

Is it possible wealthy ex and his partner will have a child at some point? Your DS would then have a sibling.

silvercuckoo Tue 26-Mar-19 13:25:26

Why choose donor sperm and not search for a co-parenting opportunity with someone who has a similar lifestyle to your ex?

swingofthings Tue 26-Mar-19 13:29:12

The biggest inequality wouldn't be the present one got and not the other, more that one got a dad and the other doesn't. Of course this could happen anyway if you had a partner who passed away but there is a difference between dealing with a situation and creating it.

FineWordsForAPorcupine Tue 26-Mar-19 13:29:46

You mention a couple of times that you want "a sibling" for your existing child - that seems a bit of a worrying reason, if it's the only/main one. A new baby isn't "the best gift in the world" for your existing child, it is a thinking, feeling human being in their own right. At the moment, it reads a bit like you are more interested in giving your existing child the chance to be a "brilliant big brother" than in what you could offer the child itself.

crazycatlady5 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:31:26

I agree at looking into co-parenting. It’s a real thing now and my 45 year old brother is looking into it.

Chickychoccyegg Tue 26-Mar-19 13:31:30

really @sparklingbrook , what difference would that make to the op wanting another baby?

Sparklingbrook Tue 26-Mar-19 13:35:58

It's just something to add to the equation Chickychoccyegg, something to think about.
OP said they would like DS to have a sibling, and it's another way that they would.

It doesn't make any difference to how the OP feels about wanting another baby, but things may not always be as they are now and that's worth considering.

juneybean Tue 26-Mar-19 13:38:49

Is donor sperm so freely available?

geekone Tue 26-Mar-19 13:44:08

@juneybean you can get anything on the internet.

OP I think your hormones are speaking to you more than your head. Yes your 2nd child would feel less not having 2 parents (only because your other DC has I think one parent can definitely be enough). I understand however your need for more but practically it’s maybe not a good idea.
I wanted more my DH didn’t I would never force the issue so our DS is a very loved only child. plus doggy brother

skye199 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:55:53

I don't think you should do this at all!! Get him a puppy smile

llangennith Tue 26-Mar-19 18:37:28

Your DS is only a toddler so plenty of time yet for a sibling whether with a new partner or otherwise. Slow down!

Katinkka Tue 26-Mar-19 18:44:55

I think i saw a programme once where these chaps were delivering their sperms to people. Ugh. I feel Ill just thinking about it. Anyway. Don’t do it. Get a dog. Two of my sons can’t stand each other.

HJWT Tue 26-Mar-19 18:49:32

Why not, you could meet someone have a baby and he could bugger of... same situation

Wallsbangers Tue 26-Mar-19 19:03:28

I think there would be so much disparity between your children you'd end up having to deal with a huge amount of fall out, especially the older they get.

notmyrealid Wed 27-Mar-19 06:42:35

If I am completely honest, I found co-parenting matchmaking websites to be inefficient. Single men I met through one of the most well known ones made me feel really unsafe, it is almost as if I advertised myself as vulnerable and willing to have wild unprotected baby-making sex right there, in the café toilet. The second large population group are couples clearly looking for a surrogate, not a co-parent.
@crazycatlady5 if your brother is seriously looking for a co-parent and is genuine, feel free to pm me (name changed). I am 34, postgrad qualified, financially self-sufficient, but not very attractive. Looking for a "weekend dad +" co-parenting partner.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump Wed 27-Mar-19 10:05:33

I would do it.

Summerfruitshoot Wed 27-Mar-19 10:11:51

Don’t do it. Siblings should have equal upbringings as it will lead to long term resentment if they don’t. Ds doesn’t need a sibling, you just think he does.

MarshaBradyo Wed 27-Mar-19 10:14:24

Co parenting arrangements sound hard

And the inequality sounds like the hardest part of your idea

IceRebel Wed 27-Mar-19 10:16:26

I know DS would be the best big brother

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you have absolutely no idea that this would be the case. Your son is 18 months, he may love having a brother or sister or he may hate it. There's no guarantee that any siblings would be close, there are plenty of siblings who don't get on.

In addition to that you need to consider all the other inequalities. Such as the eldest going on family holidays with his dad, and having 2 sets of grandparents. Also if dad is well off there may be the chance of private schooling, or extra curricular activities that just aren't affordable for the youngest.

weleasewoderick22 Wed 27-Mar-19 10:37:16

To be honest, I think you're being very selfish. Bringing a child into the world deliberately without a co parent is cruel and the disparity between the two children's upbringing and privilege will be scarring.

Plenty of people only have one child because, for various reasons, can't have another. My daughter has one ds who doesn't have contact with his father ( drugs and drink, he's a nightmare), but her partner has a close and loving relationship with his son and the two boys get on really well ( he doesn't have custody, shared parenting with his ex). But, my grandson has confided in me that he wishes he had his own dad like his step brother and it's heartbreaking. My dds partner is brilliant with him, but it's just not the same.

Please think this through properly hmm

Provincialbelle Wed 27-Mar-19 10:47:31

A child is a person in its own right. The only question here is if you can provide 100% for the new one

HJWT Wed 27-Mar-19 14:56:41

@IceRebel defo agree with you, my DD loves baby's but also chucks her dolls at the wall 😁

IceRebel Wed 27-Mar-19 18:38:05

Haha @HJWT, she sounds lovely wink

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