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To ask what you do for your MIL on Mothers Day?

(153 Posts)
JellyBaby666 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:18:28

Just after a bit of advice!

My fiance is away with work, so won't be around this weekend and is out of communication (military) so with Mother's Day coming up and us living near his parents (who are lovely) I'm just wondering what the best thing to for my future MIL is, given he's away and I want to acknowledge her and the day somehow.

Do I get a Mum card from us both (when I don't and wouldn't call her Mum, I have a Mum!), do I get a MIL card (when we're not yet married) just from me?

I know it seems daft but I want to kind and respectful, I think last year he was around so we both sent individual cards to our own Mums.

(Yes I have anxiety and yes I am overthinking!)

Pinkprincess1978 Tue 26-Mar-19 22:13:12

I would do something for my mil but then she has been my mil for 18 years and she is my children's grandmother. I'm not sure what I would have done in your situation. I think a bunch of flowers on his behalf is a lovely thing to do.

gingerbiscuits Tue 26-Mar-19 22:16:45

I treat my MIL the same as my own mum - card, flowers, little pressies. All signed & sent from both of us. And yes, all organised by me - hubby is hopeless!!

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Mar-19 22:37:06

OP you sound bloody adorable. By the sounds of it you’re going to have a good relationship with your PILs!

CandyflossKid Tue 26-Mar-19 22:37:59

Have bought a card but DH can do the rest. We go round to see her but as she has dementia, she always thinks that I'm one of her carers

Happynow001 Tue 26-Mar-19 22:38:21

What about a "Fine Art" card instead of a regular Mother's Day card. They usually have a beautiful picture on the front but blank inside for your own message. I usually buy these throughout the year when I see them as they're so useful. Try Waitrose, M&S, Ryman's May have some, some of the posher charity shops also. Good luck!

Jsmith99 Tue 26-Mar-19 22:40:08

MIL is DP’s responsibility. She’s his mother so it’s entirely down to him & nowt to do with me.

mondaylisasmile Tue 26-Mar-19 23:17:15

Do all those women here who do this for their partners know the Same is covered if they forget/are too busy in reverse? I.e. how many women here have boyfriends or husbands doing the FIL cards, lunch out, chocs, golf days out together with the kids etc?

Is there anyone who's partner has stepped up to be a genuine team player in that way? I hope so!

Osirus Tue 26-Mar-19 23:49:39

I think this is a lovely thing for you to do for both your MIL and your DP.

A generic card and a bunch of flowers would go down really nicely; who would not appreciate that when they are missing their child?

I don’t do anything for my MIL; my DH takes care of it every year but he doesn’t work away. I’m not sure I would do it if he did work away; she’s horrible to me! I’m glad you have a nice relationship with yours.

nokidshere Wed 27-Mar-19 00:48:36

How sad that some people can't see that it's a kind thing to do. For 36yrs we have sent a "mum" card to both our parents signed from us both. It's not that we see the in law as our parent but as a part of our family. It doesn't matter who buys the cards or sends the flowers, depends which one of us is online or out and about, (although if dh sends them it's likely to be a generic arty card whereas I always buy ones that say mum)

They aren't his mum and my mum, they are family.

Seren85 Wed 27-Mar-19 02:08:13

Like many others, DH and I deal with our own families for things like this. We send Mum and Dad cards signed from both of us but bought and written by the appropriate person. In this situation I'd do what DH does for his Mum (and also his step Mum) on mother's day so a card, flowers, a book or cd and he'd do the same for my mum.

Ihatehashtags Wed 27-Mar-19 04:42:25

Nothing. It’s his mother and it should have been up to him to sort something out. I mean he knew he was going to be away didn’t he. I feel it’s this type of thing that enables helplessness in men.

JellyBaby666 Wed 27-Mar-19 07:31:13

@Ihatehashtags Did you read my original post? He’s deployed in the military, had a few days notice of this and now has no email or internet access. This isn’t me infantilising him, but ultimately his lovely mum will get nothing out of spite if I take your approach.

He unexpectedly missed Christmas and I had put off buying presents so we could do it together and then he didn’t come home till long after. Should I have not bought anyone a gift then either?

I really appreciate the people who were kind and left helpful messages thank you.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah Wed 27-Mar-19 07:47:30

I think you should definitely acknowledge it with a card and flowers but from you not dh. She'll know why he can't do anything himself and pretending the flowers are from him is a bit patronising.

Ihatehashtags Wed 27-Mar-19 07:48:19

Agree to disagree. He had a couple of days warning. If it meant that much to him he could have asked you to buy a card. He didn’t because he’s a man child and you accept it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Wed 27-Mar-19 07:54:05

Ihatehashtags what a load of bollocks. The OP’s husband left with very little time to arrange something and had limited email access in the beginning.

The OP isn’t bitter and twisted so can see that her buying MIL something this time while her son is away would be greatly appreciated.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor Wed 27-Mar-19 08:10:00

Nothing. I'm fed up of bailing my DH out of not caring about his family tbh.

Herefortheduration Wed 27-Mar-19 08:35:07

No difference between my mum and his, card and a gift or flowers. Who gets them depends on who has time that week. There are two mothers on our relationship and we love them both, I don't understand the "it's his mother" line. Unless of course, he's an arse about your mum, which I'm told is pretty common. Although that's a whole other issue I wouldn't stand for, either.

maddening Wed 27-Mar-19 08:44:18

Design one on moon pig and send with flowers from him?

saywhatnowhow Wed 27-Mar-19 09:32:38

This year I have :

Brought card and present for DH mum , to be signed from both of us

Organised flowers for DSC's late DM grave.

Moon pigged a kinda Mother's Day card to dsc's godmother , she takes her role very seriously and is a wonderful help to us all .

Sorted a extra sentimental gift for dh's dm in memory of dh's late grannie as it's her first Mother's Day without her .

My own dm died over 30 years ago so I'm not fond of mother's days for my own reasons BUT I do like people to know they are appreciated and thought of . DH will sort my card and gifts from my DSC and my own DCs .

I don't care that it's seen as enabling DH to be lazy or that it's not technically my family . He would no more sort the above out than I would sort the car MOT and service .

In our relationship we both do the bits we enjoy regardless of who's who . I enjoy shopping , he doesn't .

Am I alone in thinking that when you marry someone , their family become your family anyway ?

BarbedBloom Wed 27-Mar-19 09:55:34

I got a card and gift and sent it from us both. I send my mum a card but I don’t send flowers or a gift. I tend to do this stuff because it stresses my H out, but he has gone and got cards for my family in the past and he picks up other bits around the house that I don’t like doing. My MIL is lovely but lives a few hours away so we don’t tend to see her on the day

JellyBaby666 Wed 27-Mar-19 09:56:18

@Ihatehashtags Clearly you have no experience of the military and its impact on family or relationships, of which I'm pleased as it's really bloody hard. He had 3 days notice, and thought he'd be back sooner than he will be. You're missing the point of the thread if you're focus is on the fact he didn't ask me to buy a card for a day he didn't know he'd miss!

JellyBaby666 Wed 27-Mar-19 10:00:25

@saywhatnow I'm with you. I care about his family and he cares about mine.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Wed 27-Mar-19 10:32:02

OP ignore Ihatehashtags, she’s clearly a man hater who doesn’t agree with any woman who does anything to help her DH out.

See it all the time on MN, it’s tiresome.

Alsohuman Wed 27-Mar-19 11:35:19

It’s actually more than tiresome, it shows complete ignorance of what it’s like to be in the armed services and deployed at no notice, to have your tour extended at no notice. To call a man in this position a man child and sneer at him is so rude and disrespectful. I’ve been a military wife - should mine have thought about a mothers’ day card when he was shipped off to the Falklands to get shot at? Perhaps he was a man child too? 🤬

MRex Wed 27-Mar-19 11:42:44

The person wondering about males in the relationship doing something - I buy the cards because I'm good at getting funny ones, DH is buying the plants because he's good at picking plants and he'll sort out my card and gift from DS. If it wasn't on the calendar he'd have no idea Mother's day was happening, but when he knows it is he's keen to make sure all the mothers feel special. He forgets his own birthday too, he's just rarely aware of the actual date.

Even if DH didn't get involved, my MIL refers to SIL and I as daughters, and is happy to treat us as daughters too. It would be horrible not to reciprocate and give her the benefits due to a mother. It's taken nothing away from my mum to expand my heart enough to let her and FIL in too.

JellyBaby666 Wed 27-Mar-19 11:43:09

Thank you @GreatDuckCookery & @Alsohuman - I appreciate your kindness xxxx

cupofteaandcake Wed 27-Mar-19 11:45:18

I think what many people mean (and have suffered) is the men in their lives (and often the in laws) expecting them to remember all these events and do all the thinking, buying, running around. They are then blamed if it doesn't happen.. It's one thing if the OP has been asked to do it however if the partner has actually really forgotten it tells me two things. Either he doesn't care about sending something to his family member or doesn't hold any importance in these events. It's like men who forget their partner's birthday. They do it because it just isn't on their radar and they don't think it should be, they don't care enough. Any man/woman who holds down a job such as being in the military needs to be extraordinarily organised. What did he do before he had a girlfriend fiance?

I do agree with other posters mothers day/fathers day/birthdays for his family are his responsiblity. That said, if you want to start your married life pick up all this stuff and are happy then that's up to you.

MyBabyBoyBlue Wed 27-Mar-19 11:46:02

I do a card and gift from us both

Alsohuman Wed 27-Mar-19 11:48:11

Extraordinarily organised? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

mastertomsmum Wed 27-Mar-19 11:48:43

We don't live nearby, so we make sure she is visiting nearby son or coming to see us or one of the other siblings. I make sure DH has sent a card and organise a pressie

TheOrigFV45 Wed 27-Mar-19 11:52:41

I am a slightly odd situation.

My MIL has been estranged from my (nasty) ex for 17 years. We are very close. My relationship with her is very good and she is close to my sons.

My Mother is dead.

I don't send my MIL a card, but I usually send her text to recognise that she is a Mother and while she isn't my Mother I am very lucky to have her in my life. She has appreciated that.

MissEliza Wed 27-Mar-19 12:03:18

You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your MIL and I'm pleased for you. From what you've said, the right thing to do would be to bring her a bunch of flowers to say you're thinking of her. It must be really hard having your child away in the military. One of my ds1's best friends started his basic training on Mother's Day a couple of years ago and I felt really sorry for his dm.
In my first couple of years of being married, I took over the gift buying. She never once thanked me, even when dh pointed out whatever I'd got had been my choice, so I stopped doing it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Wed 27-Mar-19 12:08:27

I think what many people mean (and have suffered) is the men in their lives (and often the in laws) expecting them to remember all these events and do all the thinking, buying, running around. They are then blamed if it doesn't happen

That is a different story to what’s happening here with the OP though. Her DH isn’t shoving all the work for Mother’s Day on her because he cba, he’s not able to do it and because she cares about her MIL she wants do something nice from both of them so she doesn’t miss out. How anyone can think that’s a bad thing is beyond me.

ALannisterInDebt Wed 27-Mar-19 12:12:47

SMH at some of the arsey replies on here, no wonder so many people have problems with their in laws with attitudes like this.

OP, you sound lovely and thoughtful and obviously have a good relationship with MIL. Acknowledging her in Mother's Day is the right thing to do.

I agree with those who said send a bunch of flowers from you both, or possibly a blank card that you write in from you both.

I'm sure your fiancé will appreciate you reaching out to his DM when he's away.

mondaylisasmile Wed 27-Mar-19 13:08:33

MRex it was me asking about boyfriends and husbands doing similar.

Your example isn't an example of that - I was specifically talking about the equivalent with the genders reversed.

E.g. female poster on here forgetting father's day, and the boyfriend/husband silently swooping in and organising a card, gift, golf day out or lunch thing with the kids and the father in law...

That's not the same thing as you choosing a card for your MIL, and your DH buying a plant, because you're better at cards and he's better at plants.

What i'm really curious about (and prompted my question) is the mental load, the unwritten wifework, involved in all this gift buying.

my dh is amazing but i soon learned that if i took up the mental load of remembering birthdays, it soon became my job/expected by relatives... and i'd never be thanked, apart from DH (afterwards), who was always grateful. i do the same thing when he remembers that the car needs its MOT grin but the fact remains that putting all of this on one person in terms of mental load isn't always fair. so i wondered how many people had DHs who did step in on these occasions...

dottypotter Wed 27-Mar-19 13:16:02

ask hom what he would like you to do.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Wed 27-Mar-19 13:22:02

What i'm really curious about (and prompted my question) is the mental load, the unwritten wifework, involved in all this gift buying

There’s no doubt that some men rely on their wives to remember their mothers birthday
/mother’s day/Christmas presents and cards and I agree that isn’t on if the only reason they aren’t doing it themselves is because they cba.

But when buying the above is to help the H out for whatever reason I don’t think women should be made to feel bad or their letting the sisterhood down.

If DH has a lot on I will ask him if he wants me to get his dad a present for Father’s Day or his birthday, sometimes he takes me up on it and sometimes he will organise it himself. We’re a team and he does a lot for me in other ways so I don’t begrudge it.

Limensoda Wed 27-Mar-19 13:22:03

Women who like their mil are not popular on here grin
Neither are women who do anything for their dh that he could possibly do for himself.

JellyBaby666 Wed 27-Mar-19 13:27:47

@dottypotter I'd love to but we are currently in a period of zero contact! Not even email.

He never forgets birthdays, is very kind and thoughtful, and would 100% be sorting something for his mum IF HE WAS HERE! But he isn't. And if you're coming on here to tell me what a lazy feck he is for not anticipating a delay to his homecoming and therefore sorting a gift and card then you're deluded and have no experience of the military, its unpredictability or the impact it has on others. It's heartbreaking, I've been sadder these last few weeks than I have been for a while.

@acupoftea - I've never really asked, I will do when he's home but I imagine make up for it when he's back/send an email if he can.

I'm all for not taking on more than is mine to do, and I absolutely wouldn't be sending her something if he was around but he's away and I want to be kind because he's her son!

cupofteaandcake Wed 27-Mar-19 13:28:06

I agree Monday, generally the expectation is that women do this kind of wifework and if they don't it seems to be viewed that they aren't very nice. As a mother actually I don't want to receive cards and gifts from my son's girlfriend/fiance etc, I want him to remember and do it. As regards relationships with in-laws, if their decision to like me is based on whether I do this kind of thing when their son can't be bothered then the relationship isn't based on much is it!

cupofteaandcake Wed 27-Mar-19 13:30:41

BTW that wasn't aimed at you Jelly, I can see your situation is different.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Wed 27-Mar-19 13:32:22

OP you don’t have to justify yourself or your DP. Some women will never find it acceptable that other women sort out their DHs family’s presents not matter what the circumstances are so don’t bother wasting your time trying. Don’t let this get to you flowers

Happynow001 Wed 27-Mar-19 14:59:16

You are doing a very kind thing @JellyBaby666. You have a kind heart and I'm sure your efforts will be appreciated by both your Fiancé and his mother. 🌹

Alsohuman Wed 27-Mar-19 16:54:31

No contact is complete shit. I feel for you. 💐

poglets Wed 27-Mar-19 17:01:46

I send my own mother flowers and put my husband's name on the card too. He is responsible for his mother.

Elizabeth2019 Wed 27-Mar-19 17:10:04

What a lovely thing of you to pick up, it’s really hard to anticipate everything! Mine only remembered to sort something out for me (I reminded him!) from our child, and then remembered after about his own mum. After a gentle “I told you so” I’ve sorted it. Ordered a lovely box of chocolates with 2 cards, one from him to Mum and one to Nana.
I have contact with him so will try to get him to call on the day too as a surprise.

Hope you get contact soon.

ItsJustASimpleLine Wed 27-Mar-19 17:13:52

We (DH & I) get our mothers a card and flowers from both of us and the kids. We're a family unit and that's how we give that gift. It works for us.

TheNavigator Wed 27-Mar-19 17:22:03

You asked what I do for my MIL so the answer is nothing, obviously, she isn't my mum. I appreciate your circumstances are different, however.

My daughters are grown up so this year, for the first time, my mum kindly said I could take her out before mothers day so my daughters can take me out for lunch on mothers day - which will be lovely. DH will send his mum flowers. I don't get involved, he is a capable adult with his own relationship with his mother.

Alfiesmom15 Wed 27-Mar-19 21:46:53

Wow, some people are ridiculously rude... its shocking really... go for flowers and maybe a box of nice chocolates...

PocketFluff Wed 27-Mar-19 22:26:42

I would love for my husband to be able to organise his mum something but he can't, so I do it. I love my MIL so want to show her she is appreciated. This year I've got her flowers and a blank card with flowers on. Definitely recommend blank cards! I'll then sign it from myself and my two little children.

Doing little things like this isn't hard but it shows the people in your life that you care about them. Life is too short. Help each other, show people that you love them. Put people first. This is something I've leant from being a young widow.

Elizabeth2019 Fri 29-Mar-19 10:58:57

@JellyBaby666

Did you end up sorting something nice? I am visiting my MIL on Sunday with the chocs and card as my own is working. Really hoping we get a proper phone call over an email!

JellyBaby666 Tue 02-Apr-19 09:39:11

@Elizabeth2019 I did! A gift from us (me, really) and some flowers smile She seemed to like them which was the important thing. I got myself all worked up on the card front so I just didn't bother!

Elizabeth2019 Tue 02-Apr-19 20:30:23

Ha mine actually got me flowers! She gently scolded me for not writing my name in DH card though as she knew I’d gotten them.

Sometimes it’s nice to be nice (I’d have felt awful turning up with nothing!) and I don’t usually bother with cards either 😂

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