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To ask what you do for your MIL on Mothers Day?

(153 Posts)
JellyBaby666 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:18:28

Just after a bit of advice!

My fiance is away with work, so won't be around this weekend and is out of communication (military) so with Mother's Day coming up and us living near his parents (who are lovely) I'm just wondering what the best thing to for my future MIL is, given he's away and I want to acknowledge her and the day somehow.

Do I get a Mum card from us both (when I don't and wouldn't call her Mum, I have a Mum!), do I get a MIL card (when we're not yet married) just from me?

I know it seems daft but I want to kind and respectful, I think last year he was around so we both sent individual cards to our own Mums.

(Yes I have anxiety and yes I am overthinking!)

GummyGoddess Tue 26-Mar-19 12:20:37

Not helpful but I don't do anything for MIL, she isn't my mother so DH sorts it out. Would he do something for your mother?

HeathRobinson Tue 26-Mar-19 12:20:57

Well it's a shame he didn't think ahead and leave a card for her or send it early.

Having said that, what about sending her some flowers on his behalf?

WildFlower2019 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:23:16

You can't go wrong with @HeathRobinson's suggestion.

I'd say there's no harm in getting a mum card and signing it from you and DH x

KathyfromHaworth Tue 26-Mar-19 12:24:43

Arsey replies. I'm sure she'd love flowers sent with love from both of you.

NoParticularPattern Tue 26-Mar-19 12:26:00

You’ll get a million responses which say “my boyfriend/fiancé/partner/husband does it because she’s his mother” but clearly that’s not quite a solution in your case since he’s not at home nor will he be able to communicate due to his deployment. I buy and write the cards in our house- for everything not just Mother’s Day. It’s easiest this way because he’d forget or he’d be too busy and I don’t mind doing it. It doesn’t take years of my life away from me and it means that people get thoughtful cards on special occasions.

Singlenotsingle Tue 26-Mar-19 12:26:20

My Dil takes me out to lunch with her own dm and the rest of the family.

Cuppaand2biscuits Tue 26-Mar-19 12:27:48

I do exactly the same as I would do for my Mum. My mil helps us out massively with child care and I really value that.
So either I cook for both mums, have treated the 3 of us to a cinema trip or an afternoon tea.
My dh is an only child so theres no one else to spoil her, he's not very thoughtful either so I like to arrange something that's a treat for both mums and myself!

MimiSunshine Tue 26-Mar-19 12:29:04

In all honesty, I’d just text her and say that as fiancé is away you wanted to let her know that you think she is a great mother who has raised a wonderful son and would she like to meet up for a tea & cake soon?

But then I only send a card to my lovely mum, generally don’t do flowers or presents and don’t expect anything more than a card for myself so wouldn’t go over the top for MIL on DPs behalf

thecatsthecats Tue 26-Mar-19 12:32:28

As predicted by NoParticularPattern I am one of those women who lets my husband sort out his own mum's stuff. Which he is doing.

I don't make it a massive point of principle. I just don't do it because I don't place such a massive value on 'thoughtful cards for special occasions' that I think they're the sort of thing that needs doing for someone else if they're away. In this scenario, I'd let my husband make up for it after he returned - if he wanted to.

On the other hand, my husband is away quite a lot for this month, and I am helping him out with his household responsibilities, because it's a bit shit to spend half the weekend doing his chores, when I have (and almost always have) a huge amount more free time than him.

WhatchaMaCalllit Tue 26-Mar-19 12:35:22

slightly off topic
Good luck to you finding a MIL card. I actually get along with my MiL and I can find Mummy/Mom/Mum/Mother/Step-Mother/God Mother but I can not find a Mother in Law card. It is bizarre. If you do find one on sale that doesn't look like it is for an elderly MiL, can you please let me know where you found it so I can buy one.

Babdoc Tue 26-Mar-19 12:37:00

Presumably your fiancé ordered a gift online before going away, to be delivered to his mum on the day?
If he didn’t, that’s his problem rather than yours, no?
Would he bail you out if you’d neglected your mum, or is it just women who have to pick up the slack for men on the emotional labour front?

MindyStClaire Tue 26-Mar-19 12:37:50

I'm firmly in the camp of DH sorting mother's day for MIL. But in your shoes, I'd organise flowers and a card for MIL and put DH's name on them ( from the she's not my mum pov). I'd also tell the white lie that he asked me to do so, since I love both DH and MIL and that'd make them both happy.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:38:16

Lovely of you to think of her. You could send her a card from you both and some flowers if DH isn’t able to. I’m sure she would appreciate it. I get a card to “mum” from DS and DIL which I don’t find odd in any way.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:40:14

Presumably your fiancé ordered a gift online before going away, to be delivered to his mum on the day?
If he didn’t, that’s his problem rather than yours, no?

Can’t you read? The OP obviously wants to do something nice for her MIL given her DH is in the military and might not have been able to arrange something.

JellyBaby666 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:44:53

Thank you for replying. I was just trying to be kind to a lovely woman whose son is deployed with the military on Mother's Day...

Would he do something for my Mum? Yes if I was deployed in the military and had no means of communication. Unlikely to happen though!

@Babdoc No he didn't, we had a few days notice before deployment, and a sudden extension to the length of time he's away. With the best will in the world, I don't think it occurred to him to pre-order something for her. Do I think it's my problem - no. But me making a stand doesn't help anyone, and he won't be back for weeks, so we'll take her for dinner as he missed her birthday and I suppose Mother's Day too. But I don't see the harm in being kind to a woman whose lovely to me/us?

@Whatcha I can't find any that are decent! I got a Mother's Day card as an Auntie last year, but I can't find a 'From both of us/to my MIL' card that is remotely nice! Weird isn't it!

JellyBaby666 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:45:55

Thank you @GreatDuck I'm all for equity in relationships, but I hardly think it's fair to his kind Mum to refuse to acknowledge her because I'm taking a feminist stand!

MsSquiz Tue 26-Mar-19 12:47:05

We give MIL a "mum" card signed from DH and me and this year I have ordered a box of chocolates, a personalised Emma Bridgewater mug and a plant from both of to be given to her on Mother's Day.

I would never buy a separate card "to MIL", just like Birthday and Christmas cards are signed from both of us.

We also did the same for my DM when she was alive.

BlueMerchant Tue 26-Mar-19 12:48:55

I wouldn't bother with the card and all the over thinking it's causing. You'll send it then be over thinking what she's thinking about the card etcetc. I'd be the same!confused

JellyBaby666 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:49:07

An Emma Bridgewater mug is actually a lovely idea! Thank you @MsSquiz smile

BlueMerchant Tue 26-Mar-19 12:49:43

Posted too soon.
Going to say I'd send flowers from you both.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:50:52

OP you don’t have to explain your reasons for buying MIL something because your DH couldn’t. It’s nice to be nice as they say. Don’t take to heart the negative comments, MN can be against anyone buying their MIL something for birthdays or Mother’s Day as many think it’s not the woman’s job.

You sound lovely and I’m sure your MIL will be made up with whatever you buy her especially as her DS won’t be there too.

YorkshireIndie Tue 26-Mar-19 12:53:28

It would be a nice thing to do but if I am going to be honest I would not do it. I might buy a card for DH's mother at the same time as getting one for mine and put it under his nose but that is as far as I go. She is not my mum and I would not expect DH to do anything for my mum if anything was to happen to me

YesItsMeIDontCare Tue 26-Mar-19 12:56:04

Can you get a card that's blank inside and write your own message? You're obviously very fond of her and I bet that would mean a lot to her. I sure she knows it won't have crossed your DP's mind under the circumstances so a lovely heartfelt message from you personally might be nice?

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:58:50

She is not my mum and I would not expect DH to do anything for my mum if anything was to happen to me

But nothing has happened to the OP’s DH, he didn’t have enough time to arrange anything for his mum for Mother’s Day because of his line of work and the OP has kindly agreed to do it instead.
Why would anyone not do this if they liked their MIL?

BlackSatinDancer Tue 26-Mar-19 13:01:13

As you said she isn't either your mum or your MIL so I would not buy a card. What if your fiance has actually ordered a card online to send from himself? You'd look a bit silly if you also sent one from the two of you.
I probably would buy her flowers, not on your fiance's behalf but from you, and write something nice on a gift card. What MimiSunshine suggested sounds lovely.

Try not to feel too anxious about it. I'm sure your fiance's mum will be understanding if he doesn't send her a card this year due to being away.

KathyfromHaworth Tue 26-Mar-19 13:02:45

My DH would most definitely get something for my mum if I couldnt or I'd forgotten. He's a kind thoughtful man and we are a team.

Mammajay Tue 26-Mar-19 13:05:25

What a lovely idea. A blank card with a written message would be lovely. If you live nearby a simple bunch of flowers. As a mum, I don't want gifts, just to be remembered on the day.

nutellalove Tue 26-Mar-19 13:06:24

I don't think you could go wrong with sending a card and/or flowers signed from the two of you at all.

Genderwitched Tue 26-Mar-19 13:08:05

I'd just send flowers from both of you.

No need to overthink. Most people are happy knowing that they have been thought about. You sound nice.

lyralalala Tue 26-Mar-19 13:08:20

I’d do the same as what you’d do for your Mum tbh.

We always did card, flowers and dinner for my Nana and MIL. If DH was away I organised it, if I was due to give birth then DH organised it, and if neither of those happened the first person to bring it up organised it.

If you get in well with your MIL then just go with your instinct. You don’t have to not do anything just because most people would say “his mum, his job”. Especially as it was a short notice deployment and you think he’d step in for your mum if you couldn’t.

Merryoldgoat Tue 26-Mar-19 13:10:40

My mum always said Mothers' Day should be low key - card, chocolates and flowers.

That's what we give MIL and what I generally expect my DH to get me from my DC.

thecatsthecats Tue 26-Mar-19 13:11:45

*But nothing has happened to the OP’s DH, he didn’t have enough time to arrange anything for his mum for Mother’s Day because of his line of work and the OP has kindly agreed to do it instead.
Why would anyone not do this if they liked their MIL?*

Actually, he didn't ask her to do anything. She's decided she wants to do it (which is actually nicer - I wouldn't do it for my husband because he didn't have his act together and asked me to sub in, but I did consider sending something to my MIL because it's the first since we were married).

As to your last line - I'll repeat what I said upthread. Contrary to the impression I presumably give off on Mumsnet, I do lots of kind and thoughtful things for people. But almost none of them include voluntarily opting in to hallmark holidays on someone else's behalf.

tillytrotter1 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:14:21

My Dil takes me out to lunch with her own dm and the rest of the family
She's probably not on Mumsnet then, being so sensible about the MIL situation!

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:15:26

Having your MIL miss Mother’s Day because your DH didn’t have his act together ( which isn’t the case here ) is not the act of a kind person. Quite the opposite.

weegiemum Tue 26-Mar-19 13:16:08

We send flowers every year to both my stepmum and mil. We sign each card from us both, as we are both close to each of them. I know it's very much appreciated on both sides. Some years I organise it, other years dh does. I'd just finished doing it just now when I saw this thread! I'd go ahead and order flowers from you both, both you and your mil sound lovely!

Hadalifeonce Tue 26-Mar-19 13:18:24

I send cards from us both to DM and DMIL, my name first for DM. DH's name first for DMIL

GummyGoddess Tue 26-Mar-19 13:21:08

@GreatDuckCookery but the effort won't be from him, so it isn't the same. If my dc's wife did it for me instead of my dc I'd feel upset that he didn't bother. To me it's a day where your DC appreciate you, if someone else makes the effort for them then it would feel wrong to me.

I would obviously sort out a birthday gift for MIL if DH forgot, but probably would send it from me and make him get another so she would get two gifts and not miss out.

Aebj Tue 26-Mar-19 13:21:38

I sort out my MIL Mother’s Day card. I sign it from both of us and send flowers. Dh is also military. He’s knows I’m good at remembering Mother’s Day , birthdays etc. means he also doesn’t have to remember months in advance if he happens to be away for these events.
I also like my MIL so it’s an easy thing to do

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:23:35

GummyGoddess the DH isn’t able to sort anything due to work which his mum obviously knows about, I’m sure she would appreciate her futureDIL thinking of her though instead rather than receiving nothing.

Stompythedinosaur Tue 26-Mar-19 13:23:55

I would send a card to my mil in your situation, I'd write something in about the way you value her.

We have mil to lunch alongside dm, dp does most of the cooking. I will encourage the dc yo make cards for them and we have decorated pots and planted some flowers for them.

Felicia4 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:27:55

I get personalised cards online. There are various websites that do them, very reasonably priced too. That way you can say what you would like without it saying MIL on the card. I'm sure she will appreciate it very much.

margotsdevil Tue 26-Mar-19 13:31:08

There are loads of cards that just say "on Mothering Sunday" or similar - maybe get one like that so then it's not "to mum"?

Drum2018 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:34:19

Just get a card that's doesn't refer to mum directly - To someone Special, or For You on Mother's Day. Or just get flowers and write your partners name on the card.

MsSquiz Tue 26-Mar-19 13:35:32

@Hadalifeonce I do that too. At first it was subconscious, but I've noticed that I do it for all cards, gift tags that I write from both of us.

@JellyBaby666 If I was in your position I would order a card online to be sent direct, that way she won't know it's from her son via you organising it, but sign it from him and you. It's a nice gesture, but not over the top.
As many other posters have said, Mother's Day is usually about the smaller gifts and cards, a gesture or token gift would probably be well received, especially as her son is away in the military

toucan12 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:36:05

I bought my MIL card a year this from both of us as DH will probably forget

On the front it says 'Happy Mother's Day from your amazing son daughter in law ' this is the kind of thing she would find amusing. grin

Probably won't get her a gift as we are flying to see her several times next month. I have bought my DM tickets to go to a hobby related event with me.

Piffle11 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:36:38

If I were you, OP, I'd get a 'Happy Mothers Day' card and sign it from DH and yourself, and perhaps get her either some flowers or something else that you think she'd like. I think it's a lovely idea.

Isth Tue 26-Mar-19 13:37:38

My DP is away this mother’s day (on his stag do actually) so I’ll be dropping wine, flowers and a mum card from both of us on Sunday before going to my mums for lunch. It’s nice to be nice, don’t know why you got snide comments really OP!

ScatteredMama82 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:43:11

It's lovely of you to think of her and I'm sure your Fiance will appreciate it too. You don't need to get a 'mother's day' card. There are some beautiful cards that are blank inside for your own message. That way you could make it from you, to say 'thinking of you on mother's day when Fiance is away. We'll make up for it when he is back' or something like that?

RMogs Tue 26-Mar-19 13:47:06

Get a mum card and sign it from both of you...it's what I do for both our mothers (and no, I don't call MIL mum, but on a card from you both it doesn't really matter).

Last year I cooked a meal for both mums, this year they will each get a cake as DH has said we are going out as a family.

AnnaMagnani Tue 26-Mar-19 13:51:05

Every year I get flowers delivered to her with a card saying 'Happy Mothers Day, Love you, From DH'. It's no bother as I do it at the same time I'm arranging them for my DM.

And every year she rings DH to thank him for them.

She has yet to make the connection that DH only started buying her flowers on Mothers Day when he got married hmm

thecatsthecats Tue 26-Mar-19 13:55:17

Having your MIL miss Mother’s Day because your DH didn’t have his act together ( which isn’t the case here ) is not the act of a kind person. Quite the opposite.

Would you KINDLY take the time to consider my point of view in detail?

My personal acts of KINDNESS include:

- collecting things for them
- dogsitting
- ferrying to and from hospital visits
- diplomatically responding to the things they do that infuriate me because they're well meant
... etc

So you can continue to assert that having someone 'miss out on' Mother's Day (when they are not in actual fact my mother) is unkind, but I think you're being unkind to me by saying that when I am helpful in amny other ways. And since you value that so very highly, I am sure you will kindly apologise grin

(Oh, and I even explicitly acknowledged that the OP was doing especially nice as her husband hadn't even asked her to do it, so again, kindly read my posts in full.)

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Mar-19 14:01:39

Why take the stance of not buying MIL a card if you bend over backwards in KINDNESS in other ways?

I don’t understand that. If your DH couldn’t do it for himself it wouldn’t kill you to get her something as you obviously like her given all the other stuff you do for her?

ACurlyWurly Tue 26-Mar-19 14:10:45

My DS is in the military, he will not be home for Mothers Day and I doubt I will get a card or for my birthday which is at the same time.
If I had a DiL who sent me a card or flowers while he was away I would be made up! It is a lovely thing to do.
If the military send them away at short notice and they are unable to contact home they have no way of doing it themselves. Some of the places they are sent mean they cant use internet or phone . I am sure that when he does come home there will be belated wishes but a card on the day is always nice.

mondaylisasmile Tue 26-Mar-19 14:14:35

nothing.

it's the same level of effort my DH goes to for father's day and my own dad.

(i.e. his FIL)

if i've been too disorganised to arrange something for father's day, that's on me. just like it's on DH if he hasn't gone to any effort for his own mum.

we help each other out in a million ways but you don't outsource mother's days and father's days stuff, surely!

GummyGoddess Tue 26-Mar-19 14:21:51

GreatDuckCookery I know, I was just responding to your post saying about mils missing out because the DH forgot. I was saying I would feel I had missed out if the dil was doing it all, no matter how lovely she was, because it means my dc isn't bothered. Obviously the ops situation is unusual and not that her DH to be is lazy.

Graphista Tue 26-Mar-19 14:23:53

There are cards that don't state the relationship and just say things like

"For you on Mother's Day"

Have you looked on moonpig, funky pigeon and similar for bespoke/editable cards?

Flowers from both of you would be lovely, I'm yet again trying to think what to get my mum for whom most of the traditional gifts are out for a variety of reasons mostly health related. Every bloody year! I swear if someone set up an app or website designed to help people work out what gifts to get for difficult to gift people they'd make a fortune!

Charles11 Tue 26-Mar-19 14:30:15

I bake my mil a cake and we all go over and visit with flowers.
I do the same for my mum except it’s usually the day before. Dh comes too.
My mil is lovely and deserves to be treated well.

Chocolateisfab Tue 26-Mar-19 14:31:59

May price up grenades...

ItsAllGone19 Tue 26-Mar-19 14:31:59

My husband is useless and I refuse to let his uselessness upset my fantastic mother in law so for Mother's Day/her birthday/Christmas I treat her the same as my mother.

She gets a card, a token gift from our daughters and a nice gift from us as a couple.

I don't see her as my mother by any stretch of the imagination, but she is my children's grandmother and a wonderful one at that so I'm not about to stand on principle that my husband should be less useless and leave her without a deserved token of appreciation for all she's done in her matriarchal role.

BrioLover Tue 26-Mar-19 14:37:18

I sort Mothering Sunday for MIL. She's in France and DH is so shit that he will never remember in time. I like her a lot and don't want her upset because her son is Mr Last Minute. He supports her through her depression with twice daily phone calls and sends her surprises in the post, he just doesn't quite get Mother's Day right.

I have sent her a box of beautifully iced biscuits from Biscuiteers this year. Took 5 mins to do but will mean a lot to her. I also tend to avoid 'mum' cards etc. and choose ones with Happy Mothers Day on or similar.

JellyBaby666 Tue 26-Mar-19 14:38:32

Thank you all for your replies, I didn't expect it to generate quite so much discussion!

I just want to be kind, ultimately. I know she finds it hard him being away, and so if I can show some compassion to someone who is very kind to me then I will. If he was here I wouldn't do it! He would! I might say 'I saw xxxx in the shop your mum might like' but not beyond that.

I've never had in-laws before, and so I don't have much to go on in terms of forging that friendship/relationship, so the advice here has been really helpful, thank you.

I will say, for emphasis - he was deployed with 3 days notice, and then extended while away. We had sparse email contact, which has now gone, and he's very busy doing his military things working 12-18 hours a day everyday. Rightly or wrongly, I don't have an issue with the fact he forgot MD and I know he doesn't expect me to sort anything. But I want to.

I saw some cute 'For you on mothers day' type cards today so I'll pick one of those up and sign it from us both! I am tempted to send her flowers from 'him' though...

Reddragonqueen Tue 26-Mar-19 14:45:51

I do the same as what I do for my mum. Its lambing time on our farms for both husband and mil so I make sure I take the kids to see her for a cuppa and give a present

Thesnobbymiddleclassone Tue 26-Mar-19 14:50:57

I don't do anything. She isn't my mum and I feel it would cheapen what I do for my mum if I did do something.

Mil has her own children to buy her stuff.

Ginger1982 Tue 26-Mar-19 14:54:20

I find DH pretty useless at things like this. I usually buy the cards and get him to sign his mum's and I sign mine and they both get a card from our DS. In your situation, I would just buy a mum card and sign it from both of you, if you have a good relationship with her.

Asgoodasarest Tue 26-Mar-19 15:02:52

Wow there’s a tough crowd out there today! You sound lovely. A card and some flowers are perfect. I always do Mother’s Day stuff for my mum and mother in law. I’m just better at thinking of nice things and I don’t mind doing it.
Even if your partner had done something, I don’t think anyone has ever been offended by being thought of / cared about twice. Just say you hadn’t explicitly discussed it and knew he’d want her to have something nice.

Angelicinnocent Tue 26-Mar-19 15:05:11

So a couple of years ago, I ended up being admitted to the hospital for emergency surgery. After making sure I came through it all OK, and realising that I was going to be ill for quite some time, my DH organised my DMs birthday present and my DFs father's day gift. He bought cards, wrapped everything and had them beside me for when my parents visited. Should he not have done so because they aren't his parents or was he right that we are a unit, a family and you help each other out, particularly when the unexpected happens.

Op I think it's lovely of you and would do a card from both of you, flowers from him and maybe a small token from you to say you appreciate her.

CryHavoc Tue 26-Mar-19 15:08:56

In almost exactly the same situation (sudden military deployment) I've sent a card signed from us both, and flowers. A small present like the mug mentioned up thread is a lovely idea.

It's a really nice thought, and I'm sure it will be appreciated by her and by your fiancé.

Eliza9917 Tue 26-Mar-19 15:10:14

@WhatchaMaCalllit Tue 26-Mar-19 12:35:22
slightly off topic
Good luck to you finding a MIL card. I actually get along with my MiL and I can find Mummy/Mom/Mum/Mother/Step-Mother/God Mother but I can not find a Mother in Law card. It is bizarre. If you do find one on sale that doesn't look like it is for an elderly MiL, can you please let me know where you found it so I can buy one.

Personalise your own on moonpig. You can change the wording to say 'mother in law'.

CuppaSarah Tue 26-Mar-19 15:11:43

I don't do anything for her. Not because it's DHs job(which is is really), or because I don't like her. But because that way what she gets, she knows was chosen, bought and posted by her son. DH isn't great at communication, so mother's Day and Birthdays are the main time he expresses his appreciation and love for his Mum. I know she loves knowing it's just from her son.

Maldives2006 Tue 26-Mar-19 15:16:36

He had a short notice military deployment !!

Eliza9917 Tue 26-Mar-19 15:22:54

I am tempted to send her flowers from 'him' though...

Do it. Don't listen to all the miserable fuckers on here. A little white lie in this scenario is perfectly fine.

chillimartini Tue 26-Mar-19 15:59:14

I'm shocked at some of the replies!!
Op if she is kind to you and you get along...then do the same for her as you do for your mum xx

JellyBaby666 Tue 26-Mar-19 16:06:22

@CryHavoc sorry you're in the same situation too. Its tough isn't it!

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Mar-19 16:33:17

I'm shocked at some of the replies!!

Tbh I think there’s been some lovely posts from a lot posters about how they buy for their MILs! Usually it’s a lot worse grin

Sweetpea55 Tue 26-Mar-19 16:40:28

Absolutely nothing for the evil old bag

MinnieMountain Tue 26-Mar-19 16:41:42

Could you invite her over for lunch? It might be a good day for you to both have company.

MinnieMountain Tue 26-Mar-19 16:43:31

I should add that's what we do as we have a 5yo, so DH has 2 mothers to cater for. It works well.

MrsBartlettforthewin Tue 26-Mar-19 16:48:12

Depends, do you want it to become your job for the rest of your life? If he hasn't organised anything then that's on him not you. Are you sure he hasn't preordered her flowers/ a message etc.

I don't do anything for MIL for Mother's Day DH does just like I do for my DM.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Mar-19 16:53:09

Depends, do you want it to become your job for the rest of your life? If he hasn't organised anything then that's on him not you. Are you sure he hasn't preordered her flowers/ a message etc

Have you read why he didn’t manage to arrange anything?

elfycat Tue 26-Mar-19 16:58:46

When my DH (ex-military) was away I'd arrange a delivery of a gift to my parents and his (he wouldn't normally bother). I usually do a little planter with those tete-a-tete daffodils or similar in. They flower and can be planted out for the next year. To MIL I'd do it from him, especially after she tried to hand over all their family addresses to me at my wedding receptions as that shit is wimmin's work.

Now I don't bother with her, and I'll call my mother as she's away on holiday the following week and can't water anything.

Happilyacceptingcookies Tue 26-Mar-19 16:58:50

I don't do anything for MIL, DH's responsibility.

Sparkletastic Tue 26-Mar-19 16:59:25

Send her some flowers and a Moonpig card. Pretend it's from him.

WhatNowRandy Tue 26-Mar-19 17:03:42

It's not really something I feel I need to do anything about. However, I did pick up an extra Mother's Day card when I bought a bunch of cards in a nice card shop, and saw one in the style she'd like. Not because it's my duty or anything, but I was there anyway, and DH wasn't. DH wrote it. He'll call his mother on the day, since we won't be able to visit. I'll tell him to say hi from me, too.

Erasure Tue 26-Mar-19 17:16:29

Wow you lot are harsh! I hope my Dil isn't so mean. In our family we celebrate mother's Day as a chance to appreciate all the mum's in our family.

So the day before I am taking mil out to lunch, as a treat from one mum to another. We buy each other gifts as we are both mother's and I appreciate her as my husband's mum and she appreciates me as the mother to her grandchildren. We are then going back to hers to meet with DH and the kids and will give her gifts etc.
On the actual day (the next day) she will be with her daughter, who she sees rarely, for a day out, again they buy each other small gifts.

I will be with my mum on the Sunday and am taking her for lunch as part of a day out.
Plan is to be back in time for me to have my mother's Day treat - a hot bath alone!

I love the fact that we treat mother's Day as a recognition that we are all mother's and deserve appreciation, I wouldn't dream of leaving out mil or being arsey about how if she gets nothing it's down to DH... I can't imagine how hurt she would would be if she was left out and preventing her pain is more important than making a point!

Ilove31415926535 Tue 26-Mar-19 17:20:43

I buy both mums a 'Mum' card and sign them from both of us. Whoever's mum it is gets their name signed first. I've only mixed them up once I can't get excited about DH doing it - he does plenty other so called 'wife work' that I can buy the odd card on his behalf and get him to write it 🤷🏼‍♀️
I think it's lovely you're thinking of your (Kind of) MIL, as her child is away. flowers

BlackPrism Tue 26-Mar-19 17:28:11

I remind DP to send flowers. We'd go over for lunch but she's away this year

0nTheEdge Tue 26-Mar-19 17:34:12

I think you're lovely and understand what you're trying to do. I'd send flowers or the mug, etc. and a card where it's blank inside and write something along the lines of you know he'd have done it himself if he'd been able to. She obviously knows him well enough to know it's true and I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture.

IMissGin Tue 26-Mar-19 17:36:55

Nothing usually. Although I did give DH a bloom & wild code to order flowers this year and he sends a card. I’m not a massive fan

Alsohuman Tue 26-Mar-19 18:02:30

How lovely that you want to do this, OP. You’re absolutely right that this isn’t the time or situation to give your feminism an airing. So pleased you’re being kind to your (future) MiL and your fiancé. Whatever you do she’ll love it and he’ll be grateful.

MRex Tue 26-Mar-19 18:20:51

I'm really surprised by some of these responses.

We both sign all the cards; mothers day, birthdays, fathers day, Christmas etc. Their actual child usually signs first. Do the parents all think we're odd but are too nice to say so? They seem happy enough, so that seems doubtful. Usually we give a plant rather than flowers for mothers day as they both prefer it, they get gifts for other days. If you like your MIL then I'd say to go ahead with a card from both of you plus a plant or flowers, maybe go for lunch. A message that you know he would be there if he could would be nice.

saraclara Tue 26-Mar-19 19:31:57

It's a lovely gesture. You fiances mum will be missing him, so you thinking of her will mean a lot. And it can only make your relationship all the closer.
My late husband always used to send his card just signed from him and I sent my mum's from me. But when he died a few years ago, of course I took over and sent her a card from me. She's a wonderful MIL, and deserves the thought.

I'm bemused at all the reactions where people think they have to make a point, at the expense of their mothers in law.

goose1964 Tue 26-Mar-19 19:35:15

We send a joint card to my MiL, unfortunately mum is no longer around to send her a card 😭but it would be a joint one too. We've also bought her a box of chocolates, (her request) and we're going out for a family meal on Sat

JellyBaby666 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:08:17

I really appreciate all the replies, I want us to have a good relationship and I also totally acknowledge she misses her son on mother’s day! If I can ease her sadness a little I think I will. I’ve seen a scarf I think she’ll like and I’ll send her a bunch of flowers from ‘him’ 😂

Hiddenaspie1973 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:09:53

Nothing. Oh does his mum, i do mine

TakeMe2Insanity Tue 26-Mar-19 20:12:42

What I do: hope that DH has remembered to buy his mum a card - they live the other end of the uk.

What I would do if I was you: take her and your mum out for lunch so she isn’t alone or invite her round for afternoon tea.

ToffeePennie Tue 26-Mar-19 20:14:37

I always buy my husbands card for his mother, I usually get her an expensive box of posh chocolates too. (She normally wouldn’t splurge on something so luxurious for herself) but this year I know she’s given up chocolates and sweets for lent so she’s going to get a bunch of flowers (again she normally wouldn’t buy herself them).
I write all the cards too. So she gets “to mum happy mother’s day love husband and wife”
I’m taking my own mother out for a meal and she has a card.

SomeLikeItTepid Tue 26-Mar-19 20:18:24

I'm sure a "Mum" card and flowers would be greatly received. If she's aware that her DS is away and therefore sees that you've done this for her, she should be very grateful for having a thoughtful DIL. This is what I'd do in your situation.

HappySonHappyMum Tue 26-Mar-19 20:27:51

I'd want you for my DIL! You are being kind and thoughtful, you acknowledge you have a good relationship and are thankful for it - that is lovely. This is exactly what I'd do if my MIL was still alive but instead we take flowers to her grave and every year and I wish she had been here to share in our lives and meet her grandchildren.

cricketballs3 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:31:03

MRex fully agree with your post. All mothers day/fathers day cards have both our names as when we got married we became an extended family not kept separate.

It has always astonished me on MN for example posters speak about DH's nephew not our nephew as given you are married they are automatically your nephew as well

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