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To be really upset with ds

(90 Posts)
Worzilgummidge Tue 26-Mar-19 10:23:54

He is at college and like alot of 18 year old likes to go out spending with his mates.
He was having trouble finding a job but then did a retail job for a while but got fed up of never getting a day off and it was interfering with his social life I know what people on here will think oh that's life etc and so do I.
Anyway I made him come down a agency office with me and they got him a job between Monday and Thursday on nights but only until 1am at the latest seemed so ideal for him and he accepted it.
Last night was his first shift and I had to go with him yesterday to get safety shoes in preparation he was in a foul mood all around the shops saying I don't want this job I don't want to go swearing etc I kept my cool and said we will get the shoes in case. Fast forward to time to leave for shift and he has a meltdown because he had forget he needed a fleece jacket so he stormed off to his room and didn't go.
Please go easy on me because I'm really upset abt all this.


Starlight456 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:39:10

well his lifestyle will drop significantly if you don’t replace Dad’s money however as pp said you are still entitled to maintenance.

Just curious why is dad stopping paying?

CantWaitForSpring1 Tue 26-Mar-19 18:25:24

I worked in pubs and nightclubs all through sixth form and university. I survived. You have far more stamina at that age! He’ll be fine doing two shifts per week!

Ragwort Tue 26-Mar-19 18:17:11

The OP has already said that her DS doesn't want to work in retail because 'it affects his social life' and he is still going to football matches with his mates ................ let's be realistic, there aren't many students who are concentrating 100% on their studies, or at least not in my 18 year old DS's circle grin.

Flaverings Tue 26-Mar-19 18:11:42

What do you want from this thread?

RedHelenB Tue 26-Mar-19 17:38:52

My view is he still gets money from you as he's still considered a child re tackle credits. However, if he needs more than you are prepared to give her needs a job. However as exams are getting nearer then he should be 100% concentrating on them.

Ragwort Tue 26-Mar-19 17:35:50

Unless your DC is studying medicine or another course with a lot of hours I don’t think a part time job is too much to expect for university students (I am talking around ten hours or a couple of shifts a week). We have told our DS that we will give him a certain amount to top up his maintenance loan but we also expect him to find some part time work. He is doing a course which will leave him quite a lot of unstructured time, he will plenty of time to follow his sport, have a social life, study and find a part time job.

SandyY2K Tue 26-Mar-19 17:14:10

To be honest with you... I'd much prefer my child fully dedicated to their studies, than having to work as well.

My DD is 16. She has a job, as well as doing her A levels... I wouldn't force her to work if she didn't want to... as long as she was studying.

I see a child in full time education my responsibility as the parent.

I have a DC in university. She doesn't work and in addition to the student loan, we support her financially. I had a job as a student, but it could be annoying having to work when you have coursework due.

I understand that if finances are difficult, you want him to ease things a bit for you. Does he know that you're struggling financially?

FullOfJellyBeans Tue 26-Mar-19 17:01:00

I don't think you should force him to get a job he doesn't want. Tell him how much money, if any, you'll give him and he can work the rest out for himself.

Barrenfieldoffucks Tue 26-Mar-19 16:58:48

I don't think you're massively soft.

IHateUncleJamie Tue 26-Mar-19 16:14:55

From your DS’s POV, he doesn’t need a part time job for the money so no wonder he isn’t keen to knock himself out for minimum wage. He’s got no incentive to get a job, particularly one with shit hours.

If you are insistent on him getting a job because you can’t afford to keep giving him £35 p/w then just tell him you can’t afford it. Even that without the extra £100 from his Dad is quite a lot; my dd is at uni and only gets £40 a month plus her £11 phone bill paid by me.

Upshot is if you want him to get a job, stop giving him so much money.

missbattenburg Tue 26-Mar-19 15:40:03

Yes I'm soft I know

Then stop. If you don't want to do so suddenly, tell him he's going to get £30pw for a month, then £25, then £20 and so on until he's getting nothing.

And leave him to figure how to get a job he'll be happy with. Or not.

As I said previously, I worked all day Sat and Sun throughout A'Levels. This is because I like money. My brother didn't work, because he likes having free time. We both got the same from our parents (£20 per month) and were left to make the choice of whether or not to get a job to top it up.

Interestingly, 20 odd years later I work in a 9-5 job that pays well but is stressful and requires lots of commuting. He earns less working as a freelancer with no stress and the freedom to work from wherever in the world he is at that moment and to set his own hours. Being able to make decisions in which we weighed up the options and chose what suited us personally, when we were young supported us in being able to make them when we were older.

At 18 he's really now old enough to make those decisions and you won't help him by trying to make them for him.

lyralalala Tue 26-Mar-19 15:25:23

You mentioned tax credits and child benefit so is his course still a qualifying course for that? If so then his Dad should still be paying maintenance.

I think expecting him to do full time at college then work all weekend, or work until 1am when he has college the next day are both unreasonable when you are still getting child benefits for him.

By all means cut down what you give him if financial circumstances have changed, but working until 1am isn't going to help his college results at all. (and all my teens have PT jobs around school/college so I do advocate working if they can find it, but it has to work aorund the course or school).

Worzilgummidge Tue 26-Mar-19 15:05:08

Yes I'm soft I know

missbattenburg Tue 26-Mar-19 14:53:37

£35pw + £100pm = £250 a month.

I've changed my mind. I'm going to quit work and come and live with you, OP. Sounds like a brilliant gravy train to be on...

Ragwort Tue 26-Mar-19 14:19:38

You are.far too generous towards your DS, I have an18 year old & he gets £50 a month, that’s for his clothes, ‘social life’, treats etc. He has to get part time jobs if he wants any extras and he fully understands that. He has had quite a few p/t jobs & has saved up a lot (4 separate bank accountsgrin) so now he is concentrating on his A levels.

Just stop being so generous!

mymadworld Tue 26-Mar-19 14:14:07

Bloody hell £135 a month to spend on socialising and treats no wonder he's work-shy shock

Op you either need to accept the fact that he's at college and you will bankroll him, or stop plying him with cash and force him to get a job. If he doesn't like working 2 x 4hr shifts (hmm) then he needs to find something that does suit him. Ffs he could flyer the neighbourhood and probably find a £25 babysit once a week if he put the effort in - possible but the most glamorous job but ideal for a student to earn whilst studying.
He sounds I'm like a like entitled brat but I don't blame him in the slightest with that allowance & extras.

Yogagirl123 Tue 26-Mar-19 14:13:40

Feeling your pain, OP, in a similar situation with my DS, absolutely no interest in getting a job. Hasn’t got a clue what he wants to do.

It’s really difficult. I don’t want to be on at him all the time, but once his May exams are out of the way, going to be a lot tougher with him. And he will have to get any job he can.

nauseous5000 Tue 26-Mar-19 14:12:54

OP, I make that £60 a week tax free disposable income from you and his dad, plus his bills covering. That's more than a lot of FT working adults get and I quite understand why he wouldn't want to work with that much cash for free. Sorry, but think you have to cut off the money pipe. Otherwise why would he work?

MollysLips Tue 26-Mar-19 13:43:50

It sounds like he was scared of the people he'd be working with.

So why not go out for a drink with him and find out the sort of place he would like to work? He could do evening and weekend shifts at pubs and restaurants, where he'd get minimum wage plus tips, and the work is much more people-focused, sociable and fun.

Or could he steward at his football club?

Where do his friends work? They must have jobs. Does he fancy the sound of any of those? Is something (Fear, lack of confidence, shyness) stopping him applying for the job he thinks he would like to do?

Stop giving him money but start trying to encourage and support him like you would a friend. (I know how hard that is.)

Worzilgummidge Tue 26-Mar-19 13:38:48

It's a hundred a month not a week

RSAcre Tue 26-Mar-19 12:55:07

Hell I know I'm gonna end up giving him money

He doesn't need money, he needs a good talking to about his work ethic & a better understanding that people who want a social life have to pay for it themselves.
How has he reached 18 without realising that work is a necessary evil, & that he is not entitled to have his social events funded?

Lobsterquadrille2 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:42:39

He sounds very pampered and it's not in his best interests, long term. I can't remember the last time I gave DD any money. She's 21 and in her final year at university and insists on paying "rent" to me in the holidays when she is home (I save this without her knowing) as she wants to contribute towards household expenses. This week she bought a new washing machine and just let me know when it would be delivered.

Your DS should be understanding budgets, the cost of living and the fact that money doesn't grow on trees. As PPs have said, where is his incentive to find a job when both you and his father keep subsidising him? He's not learning about life in the real world.

Nameusernameuser Tue 26-Mar-19 12:41:05

I'm only 21 so not even far from 18, at that age ALL my friends had jobs and worked, certainly more than 8 hours a week on top of full time college courses and university. Some friends worked full time hours on too of studying.
DPs friend has a girlfriend that's 18 with no job because she says there's no point in working, and guess what, her parents give her money. You can't just not work shock

NutElla5x Tue 26-Mar-19 12:24:30

I was giving him roughly £35 a week.
His dad as well as giving him a hundred funds his bus pass and playstation membership and phone.

If I was given all that plus bed and board for nothing I probably wouldn't bother working either.

Purplecatshopaholic Tue 26-Mar-19 12:20:59

So he is getting money from you and from his Dad..and playstation membership, WTAF?!!

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