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To be really upset with ds

(90 Posts)
Worzilgummidge Tue 26-Mar-19 10:23:54

He is at college and like alot of 18 year old likes to go out spending with his mates.
He was having trouble finding a job but then did a retail job for a while but got fed up of never getting a day off and it was interfering with his social life I know what people on here will think oh that's life etc and so do I.
Anyway I made him come down a agency office with me and they got him a job between Monday and Thursday on nights but only until 1am at the latest seemed so ideal for him and he accepted it.
Last night was his first shift and I had to go with him yesterday to get safety shoes in preparation he was in a foul mood all around the shops saying I don't want this job I don't want to go swearing etc I kept my cool and said we will get the shoes in case. Fast forward to time to leave for shift and he has a meltdown because he had forget he needed a fleece jacket so he stormed off to his room and didn't go.
Please go easy on me because I'm really upset abt all this.

I

sillysmiles Tue 26-Mar-19 11:43:11

How much do you give him a week/month? Is it regular and why do you give it to him? Honestly, the pouting and stropping he was doing about getting a job and shoes etc would have meant that I would have been inclined to stop supporting him and let him fail.

He sounds as though he believes he deserves a nice life - social life and trips etc - rather than seeing that those things come at a cost.

I wonder if he sees it as though he's in uni and you should be paying for his social life because of that, rather than seeing that he is in uni for his own sake and his own future and he needs to take ownership of that.

Happynow001 Tue 26-Mar-19 11:43:14

Hell I know I'm gonna end up giving him money
Why? What incentive has he to shift a bit for himself if he knows he can just get money from you - even if you can't afford to? His father has stopped subsiding him - maybe you should too.

Once he realises you are not covering anything but the basics, housing, food, utilities etc he'll focus more - even with poor grace. Don't baby him and make a rod for your own back OP.

Dragongirl10 Tue 26-Mar-19 11:43:33

Op at 18 both my brother and l subsidised ourselves through ft college courses. We lived very rurally too so had to bike long distances but still had FT summer jobs and Saturday jobs.
Our parents gave us no money whatsoever and we didn't expect it...
.Had l sworn rudely about a potential job, my father would probably have hit me across the room for being so rude and entitled.
That work ethic has stood us both in very good stead.
Your son is being an entitled brat , yet he is a man and needs to behave like on.

First step is to stop supporting him, do you have any good male role models who can give him the proverbial kick up the rear he needs?
He is much more likely to listen to a man at 18......

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Tue 26-Mar-19 11:45:35

I think 2 x 4hr shifts is better than working in retail at the weekend. Lots of shops want kids to work Sat and Sun as well as some late afternoon shifts. Much better to have set evening hours and weekends free. 8.30 -12.30 is the same as a night out, so if this makes him too tired for college, he would be too tired to go out with his mates!

HoozThatGirl Tue 26-Mar-19 11:45:53

All these people saying he's an adult. No he isn't, he is in full time education and the OP will get Child Benefits for him.

I agree that some part time work is a good idea but he's never going to pass his exams if he's out working until 1am.
College isn't just about the hours spent in class, they should be putting the same amount and more into studying as well.

MissCharleyP Tue 26-Mar-19 11:48:59

I wouldn’t imagine the college would be keen on him working nights. I worked in two sixth form colleges and working late evenings/nights was strongly discouraged. Most students did 3/4 A levels and so were expected to do 15/20 hours at home as well as in college. It is hard with the money side though; when I started my study leave for GCSE the guy I worked for on Saturdays (all day) offered me a shift on Fridays 1-5 pm, I snatched his hand off. When I started 6th form they refused to rearrange my timetable so I could still do that shift as we used to have Wednesday afternoons free for any extra curricular stuff (drama group, sports teams, subjects that weren’t A Level) but the shifts weren’t available on Wednesday! They then used to have a go at me for not going on ‘essential’ trips but without the extra money I couldn’t afford it (DF unemployed, DM in p/t to try and keep us afloat).

The trouble these days seems to be there aren’t such things as ‘Saturday jobs’ anymore, no one seems to think it worth their while employing someone for one day and expect all staff to be able to cover all shifts as/when.

Barrenfieldoffucks Tue 26-Mar-19 11:50:51

At 18 and in full time education I would expect to pay/facilitate travel, food, toiletries, lodging etc. New, essential clothes when others wear out. But no money for frivolities unless you can afford it.

HappyGoGoLucky Tue 26-Mar-19 11:50:55

People say it is too much.

When I was 18, I worked 7 days a week as a community carer and I was at college 4 days a week. I went college 9-5, then went straight to work from 6-11pm, then get up the next morning to go college and on my "days off", I would be working 7am-10.30pm. I barely had a social life or time for revision because I had bills to pay for!

I'm not trying to say I'm a saint or that I'm amazing, but what I am saying is he needs to stop whining about it and grow up. At 18, he should be fending for himself or at least have some sort of responsibility.

Purplecatshopaholic Tue 26-Mar-19 12:01:20

Well said HappyGo - the millenial generation is alive and well!

Acis Tue 26-Mar-19 12:02:26

Hell I know I'm gonna end up giving him money

Just don't. Why should you have to go without and struggle to pay bills because he can't be bothered to do what thousands of kids in his position do? Simply say to him that you have not got the money and, if he needs it, it's up to him to earn it.

Worzilgummidge Tue 26-Mar-19 12:07:21

Yes the problem is that if you work Saturday they also expect Sundays as well.
I do understand what you all mean by saying don't substitute him.

Worzilgummidge Tue 26-Mar-19 12:09:15

I was giving him roughly £35 a week.
His dad as well as giving him a hundred funds his bus pass and playstation membership and phone.

slashlover Tue 26-Mar-19 12:11:26

When I was 18, I was at uni full time and working 2pm-11pm every weekend. My social life was from June - September when the uni was off, although I also did loads of overtime at my job.

He has to think about after college, he's going to look better to recruiters if he has experience working.

Also, saying this kindly OP, he can't be arsed to get a job while you are paying for stuff. You are contributing to the problem. You made him go to the agency, you took him to get shoes.

Don't give him any money.

IHateUncleJamie Tue 26-Mar-19 12:13:20

£35 a week AND £100 a WEEK from his Dad? Or £100 a month?

SharkSave Tue 26-Mar-19 12:20:16

Most places are pretty understanding I've found in regards to college etc. Supermarkets, fast food places etc are all quite accommodating, one weekend day and a couple of short evening shifts seems to be the norm.
I agree with the others, stop funding his social life and he'll have no choice but to work

Purplecatshopaholic Tue 26-Mar-19 12:20:59

So he is getting money from you and from his Dad..and playstation membership, WTAF?!!

NutElla5x Tue 26-Mar-19 12:24:30

I was giving him roughly £35 a week.
His dad as well as giving him a hundred funds his bus pass and playstation membership and phone.

If I was given all that plus bed and board for nothing I probably wouldn't bother working either.

Nameusernameuser Tue 26-Mar-19 12:41:05

I'm only 21 so not even far from 18, at that age ALL my friends had jobs and worked, certainly more than 8 hours a week on top of full time college courses and university. Some friends worked full time hours on too of studying.
DPs friend has a girlfriend that's 18 with no job because she says there's no point in working, and guess what, her parents give her money. You can't just not work shock

Lobsterquadrille2 Tue 26-Mar-19 12:42:39

He sounds very pampered and it's not in his best interests, long term. I can't remember the last time I gave DD any money. She's 21 and in her final year at university and insists on paying "rent" to me in the holidays when she is home (I save this without her knowing) as she wants to contribute towards household expenses. This week she bought a new washing machine and just let me know when it would be delivered.

Your DS should be understanding budgets, the cost of living and the fact that money doesn't grow on trees. As PPs have said, where is his incentive to find a job when both you and his father keep subsidising him? He's not learning about life in the real world.

RSAcre Tue 26-Mar-19 12:55:07

Hell I know I'm gonna end up giving him money

Why?
He doesn't need money, he needs a good talking to about his work ethic & a better understanding that people who want a social life have to pay for it themselves.
How has he reached 18 without realising that work is a necessary evil, & that he is not entitled to have his social events funded?

Worzilgummidge Tue 26-Mar-19 13:38:48

It's a hundred a month not a week

MollysLips Tue 26-Mar-19 13:43:50

It sounds like he was scared of the people he'd be working with.

So why not go out for a drink with him and find out the sort of place he would like to work? He could do evening and weekend shifts at pubs and restaurants, where he'd get minimum wage plus tips, and the work is much more people-focused, sociable and fun.

Or could he steward at his football club?

Where do his friends work? They must have jobs. Does he fancy the sound of any of those? Is something (Fear, lack of confidence, shyness) stopping him applying for the job he thinks he would like to do?

Stop giving him money but start trying to encourage and support him like you would a friend. (I know how hard that is.)

nauseous5000 Tue 26-Mar-19 14:12:54

OP, I make that £60 a week tax free disposable income from you and his dad, plus his bills covering. That's more than a lot of FT working adults get and I quite understand why he wouldn't want to work with that much cash for free. Sorry, but think you have to cut off the money pipe. Otherwise why would he work?

Yogagirl123 Tue 26-Mar-19 14:13:40

Feeling your pain, OP, in a similar situation with my DS, absolutely no interest in getting a job. Hasn’t got a clue what he wants to do.

It’s really difficult. I don’t want to be on at him all the time, but once his May exams are out of the way, going to be a lot tougher with him. And he will have to get any job he can.

mymadworld Tue 26-Mar-19 14:14:07

Bloody hell £135 a month to spend on socialising and treats no wonder he's work-shy shock

Op you either need to accept the fact that he's at college and you will bankroll him, or stop plying him with cash and force him to get a job. If he doesn't like working 2 x 4hr shifts (hmm) then he needs to find something that does suit him. Ffs he could flyer the neighbourhood and probably find a £25 babysit once a week if he put the effort in - possible but the most glamorous job but ideal for a student to earn whilst studying.
He sounds I'm like a like entitled brat but I don't blame him in the slightest with that allowance & extras.

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