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To think this is despicable?

(47 Posts)
PrivateMum222 Mon 25-Mar-19 21:19:39

Quick disclaimer just in case: Daily Mail and all other tabloids can piss off.

So... DH and I live on a very quiet road with our three-year old son and have been here for ten years with lovely, kind, mostly retired neighbours in a decent area.

New neighbour moved in last September with her son and, amongst other (less appalling) things like smoking weed outside, leaving fag butts in our garden, beeping car horn late at night etc our biggest concern is that her language is atrocious. She regularly calls her DS a "fucking cunt" for the whole road to hear, screams and shouts at him at all hours of the day and every other word is "fuck" or "fucking" at the top of her voice. The child even asks her not to speak to him like that and yet she carries on calling him a fucking cunt and that she'll send him away to boarding school and call the police on him.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to a swear but I don't do in front of my child and I really don't want him privvy to it - especially this summer when windows will be open and we'll be in the garden - especially at such an impressionable age. Just last week, nursery have flagged that he's been using the word "naughty" which is considered a swear word in that setting, so I'm nervous that he's going to pick up something far worse.

We're considering a move so can't afford to get into any sort of dispute with her but there's no way we'll be able to appeal to her better nature, I'm not sure that she has one. So what on Earth do we do?

EKGEMS Mon 25-Mar-19 21:28:37

Ever consider reporting her abusive behavior towards her child to social services? If nothing more than to protect the poor child?

Nofilter101 Mon 25-Mar-19 21:30:45

Report to ss

Thankssomuch Mon 25-Mar-19 21:33:29

Report to SS. If that’s how she treats him in public, imagine what she does in private.

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 25-Mar-19 21:33:53

Quick disclaimer just in case: Daily Mail and all other tabloids can piss off.

😂 what do you think this^ does? They just screen grab or c&p the bits they want to print!

Yes she’s despicable. Is she a tenant or home owner?

PrivateMum222 Mon 25-Mar-19 21:42:08

DH and I discussed SS but, really what would they do? They're dealing with far more serious cases...

She's a tenant and I do have landlord's number but figured we should chat to her first... That said, I hate confrontation and I've heard her threaten violence whilst on the phone (not to her child) so it makes me a little nervous.

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 25-Mar-19 21:44:13

Are there other neighbours who you know would support a call to the landlord? She’s smoking weed in their property for starters!

NoisesInTheNight Mon 25-Mar-19 21:44:25

Call social services. You'll gain nothing by confronting her and the child deserves protection. You don't know that they won't help and the landlord can't do much to protect the poor child. Call them tomorrow. I can't imagine allowing it to go on this long let alone any longer.

NoisesInTheNight Mon 25-Mar-19 21:45:40

Do contact the landlord though re her behaviour but the child deserves protection and SS will be of more use with that than the landlord.

Thankssomuch Mon 25-Mar-19 21:46:46

You don’t know how serious this case is. All you know is what you see/hear - and that’s enough to cause concern. SS will make the judgement about whether to intervene/ what actions to take.

Dutch1e Mon 25-Mar-19 21:47:41

If you're afraid of her imagine how the kid must feel.

Go over and have a chat. You don't have to go in all guns blazing, just suss out the situation, maybe help the woman keep her cool and ask the poor little guy over sometimes to give him a break.

Thankssomuch Mon 25-Mar-19 21:49:04

The landlord can’t control a tenants behaviour although he/she can say they are causing a nuisance - it doesn’t sound like this tenant is going to be unduly bothered about that though..

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Mon 25-Mar-19 21:50:19

It is always worth reporting abuse even if you think nothing will happen. That's for them to decide.

You only have a very small window into the situation, once reported they have the ability to investigate the fuller picture.

One of the commonest things I hear from adults who have been in abusive situations as children is "not a single person ever reported it they must have heard/saw/knew but none ever called anyone to help me"
Most of these adults knew it might have been no help at all but knowing that no one ever bothered made them feel that no one ever cared enough about what was going on or it took many years to stop minimising things because for years they told themselves well it can't have been that bad or I must have deserved it because no one ever reported it.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Mon 25-Mar-19 21:51:38

Bloody hell not none I meant to say no one!

NoisesInTheNight Mon 25-Mar-19 21:52:02

I really wouldn't confront someone like that(Except in an emergency e.g she's physically harming the boy). She won't take it well and may take it out on the child if she think that he's been talking. You can't reason with people like that. Let SS deal with it.

Babyornotbaby Mon 25-Mar-19 21:54:41

Your disclaimer is useless.

PumpkinPie2016 Mon 25-Mar-19 21:56:14

It sounds horrendous but I wouldn't confront her directly - she clearly doesn't see any issues with the way she treats her poor son.

I would report it to social services and let them deal with it.

Myheartbelongsto Mon 25-Mar-19 21:57:32

i love how your complaining about her bad language and your first sentence is telling people to piss off.

IHateUncleJamie Mon 25-Mar-19 21:59:04

If you’re not sure whether SS would deal with it, why don’t you phone the NSPCC for advice?

SpareASquare Mon 25-Mar-19 21:59:11

Quick disclaimer just in case: Daily Mail and all other tabloids can piss off
Hard to get past this. What does it do? Or what do you THINK it does?

Yes, behaviour is despicable.
If you were truly concerned about the child, however, you'd call SS.

NunoGoncalves Mon 25-Mar-19 22:00:47

It's a well-known fact that news outlets are legally prohibited from reporting on events if they've been told to piss off beforehand.

Babyornotbaby Mon 25-Mar-19 22:04:32

PS. naughty s isn’t a swear word.

Servalan Mon 25-Mar-19 22:10:01

Definitely worth a call to SS. They may act, they may not - but better they have the choice than not know that a choice needs to be made on this and meanwhile this poor kid suffers at the very least extreme emotional abuse.

For all you know, the family could be known to them but pieces needed for the jigsaw that gives them the bigger picture.

Nnnnnineteen Mon 25-Mar-19 22:11:51

I reported a neighbour to their child's school for speaking like that to their child and they treated it as a safeguarding concern

Mumofaprinny Mon 25-Mar-19 22:16:10

Ok, as for chatting to her first, she really does sound unhinged so I’m not sure that’s a great idea. Yes I would contact social services anonymously and the next time you hear her screaming at him, I would call the police. She is abusing her child and it’s not ok. If it continues after that, contact the landlord.

puppy23 Mon 25-Mar-19 22:17:16

@Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom 100% yes - I've said this so often.
OP, SS may do nothing but at least by reporting it you've given it a try and its out of your hands.

Nancydrawn Mon 25-Mar-19 22:18:06

O/t, but: Usually the tabloids don't just copy and paste; they also link to the article. I imagine the thinking is that they're less likely to borrow from an article that when linked (or even just googled) starts out by saying fuck off to the borrowers.

SeventhWave Mon 25-Mar-19 22:20:07

I think you have my old neighbour, OP.

If there's screaming and yelling and drugtaking with a young child on the premises, the police will take an interest.

JaniceBattersby Mon 25-Mar-19 22:20:30

‘Naughty’ is a swear word? So what am I supposed to say to my kids when they’re being naughty, then? confused

CloudyTuesday Mon 25-Mar-19 22:26:47

How old is her child op?

I agree with talking to ss but you may well find that nothing changes, if all they find is that she swears and smokes weed outside the house.

Regarding her swearing. I wouldn't bother approaching her about this. She already knows that people can hear and doesn't care. If she's happy to swear at her own child she's highly unlikely to care about yours. Al you'll do is tip her off that you're the 'busybody neighbour' who reported her to ss.

You can't control the behaviour of everyone who comes into contact with your child. Discuss how some families use bad words that your family do not use. And move ASAP, without any dispute between you.

CloudyTuesday Mon 25-Mar-19 22:28:55

Sorry just seen he's at nursery, so very young. What a disgusting woman. Report and move.

Gizmo79 Mon 25-Mar-19 22:33:22

You people do realise that social services are inundated with serious cases of child abuse and neglect don’t you?
No wonder there is not enough input into the children who actually need help if there are members of the public referring in children like this.

Is the child fed, is he dressed appropriately, does he have a home- you will find that social care have to concentrate on those children that have none of those.
You know, those kids who have nothing to eat at school, dressed in dirty unwashed clothes....

NoisesInTheNight Mon 25-Mar-19 22:35:34

Emotional abuse is still child abuse and who knows what else is going on that the OP doesn't see. Children do not need to look like a stereotypical child neglect victim in order to deserve protection. This boy deserves better. He is being abused.

PrivateMum222 Mon 25-Mar-19 22:37:07

Re comments about tabloids, they won't link to this thread now. Anyway, irrelevant.

Thank you for comments, it's quite telling that absolute consensus is that she won't listen to reason and to report to SS. I'll make an anonymous call tomorrow and let them consider a response. I'm not sure of his name or school but that's a good idea to report to school too. Thanks everyone, it's very, very insightful.

NoisesInTheNight Mon 25-Mar-19 22:38:10

Thank you for deciding to make that call OP.

azulmariposa Mon 25-Mar-19 22:38:56

I would report to ss. If she treats him like that in public, imagine what she's doing behind closed doors. As for the posters that say your wasting ss time. You won't be. If they assess and find nothing wrong then good. More than likely they will already be known, especially if she's done that around his school or nursery. And the smoking of weed is a concern if it's being done in front of the child.

donaldducksgranonceremoved Mon 25-Mar-19 22:39:29

In terms of your child... I live in London and bad language is unavoidable. I've told mine that grown ups know what those words mean and therefore can choose if they want to use them as they understand the possible consequences but until he's a grown up he can't and mustn't copy them. It's up to him as an adult if he does.

In terms of her child... it's abusive to call a child a fucking cunt repeatedly regardless of their behaviour. I wouldn't confront her but I imagine there's either SS involvement or soon will be and I'd report exactly what was concerning me to the NSPCC anonymously

BlackPrism Mon 25-Mar-19 22:40:51

Just so you know the disclaimer doesn't mean they can't take it as it's an anonymous forum it doesn't break any laws or the IPSO code.
Jsyk

CloudyTuesday Mon 25-Mar-19 22:43:15

Gizmo, you're not wrong about what ss are dealing with but this mother's behaviour is a concern and ss would want to know. They can make their own judgement about the follow up. If nothing else, it's evidence on file incase there are other incidents reported in the future, all building up a picture.

adaline Mon 25-Mar-19 22:44:12

* Re comments about tabloids, they won't link to this thread now.*

How do you know that? confused

PrivateMum222 Mon 25-Mar-19 22:47:04

Yes @CloudyTuesday, that's what DH and I decided, that at least a comment will be registered with the relevant authorities in case of any future issues. We really were in two minds so it's been useful to realise this we've not exaggerated the situation.

PrivateMum222 Mon 25-Mar-19 22:51:01

Can we all just forget the tabloid comment? They're unlikely to link to a thread that carries a negative intro' because why would you? But there's a bigger issue here so shall we just skip it?!

Jux Mon 25-Mar-19 23:00:03

Well, now op's decided to report to ss, so the main issue is decided, I'm interested in the idea that tabloids link directly to threads - I wasn't aware of it, thought they just c&peed and then any reader who could be bothered could go and find the thread themselves.

Exhaustedmummy1811 Mon 25-Mar-19 23:04:07

My dds nursery has also vetoed the word 'naughty' I picked her up once and they told me she had let go of the teachers hand and tried to run off, when I said to her that's naughty and you must hold hands and walk nicely, I was told 'we don't use the word naughty. It was just a bit silly'

YouBumder Mon 25-Mar-19 23:07:32

Yes, report her to SS. She’s being abusive to that poor kid.

As for this mind you

nursery have flagged that he's been using the word "naughty" which is considered a swear word in that setting

🤣🤣🤣 oh do give over.

3dogs2cats Mon 25-Mar-19 23:45:11

Gizmo79
I worked in safeguarding for years. This is serious emotional abuse. This child is being told constantly that he is worthless, and that is the visible behaviour.it will be worse behind closed doors.
Privatemum222 please report this, and keep reporting further incidents. Kids like this end up dead.

FenellaVelour Tue 26-Mar-19 00:04:39

As a social worker, I’d expect this to be taken seriously, it’s emotional abuse and very damaging. I had a family on my case load for something very similar once.

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