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End of the road?

(30 Posts)
Zaza6375 Mon 25-Mar-19 21:11:27

I’m not living my life.
I have been with my husband for 26 years. We have 3 lovely daughters 15, 12 & 4. The youngest has Autism.
We met when we were young and have built successful businesses together and it was fun.
26 years on I don’t feel I can go on. I’m lonely..and feel life is ticking by but at 46 I’m not sure I’ve got the balls to leave.
Things changed between us when he guilted me in to having a termination 6 years ago. He said I was ruining his life and couldn’t cope. It absolutely destroyed me and I suffered from depression and anxiety afterwards.
I went on to have my superstar 4yr old who has autism as well as some other special needs.
My husband has never had my back..I am used to fighting my own battles and it’s hurtful.
He had a difficult upbringing, completely opposite to my fun loving upbringing.
My husband seems incapable of having fun. He watches the telly downstairs (boxing) on his own night after night. He is also watching it on the iPad and phone at the same bloody time. He watches internet porn a lot which no longer bothers me.
I’m in bed at 7pm most fact every night..with my kids.
He is constantly miserable, he is incredibly mean to our two dogs and hates them.
On the rare occasion we do go out all he does is moan and bitch other people off. I can’t live like this anymore but how do I break my kids hearts?
He resents my family (my parents and brother) who all are fun and just make so much of their lives. I’m already dreading Mother’s Day and Easter as he doesn’t join in and is moody, off and glazed over when they talk to him. I cover for him all the time.

I work hard full time during the day and a couple of evenings too I earn as-well as running the home and taking care of the kids.
We have a beautiful home but I don’t think there is any love left.
If I ask him if he could help me..such as pick up something from town I get called ‘controlling’
We get invited to some nice places but he never wants to go (we’ve been invited to a music festival this summer..and he doesn’t fancy it)
I’m going to start doing things on my own if I’m invited as I’m missing out (prob my kids are too) He refuses to meet new people.
What do I do? We can’t talk as he just goes mad. He lacks any back bone and would never take the initiative to separate.
We no longer have a sex life and he says when I suggest counselling it’s an insult. I don’t think he fears losing me I think he fears losing the house.
I’m terrified of leaving him as I don’t know how to cope financially. What will my freinds and family say?
I don’t even know how to start things.
My overwhelming feeling is if I became ill or anything was to happen to me would I need him there? No. Would I want him there? No. Would I want to end my days with him by my side? No because I can’t rely on him to help make things better.

My choices are that we stay like this until the girls leave home, but I’m not sure my youngest will ever be able to...
Anyone else been in a situation like this?
What if we split and it’s the wrong decision? Does that ever happen?
What if I actually become my happy fun self again. Is that possible?
Sorry for the waffling I just need to write it down
Total head screw!

Motoko Tue 26-Mar-19 21:38:47

Oh, and don't wait until next year to see a solicitor. Do that asap, so you know where you stand. You might find that you won't need to wait until then, and it's not good to put it off for so long, or you might end up finding excuses to keep delaying it. DD might find doing her GCSEs better, in a more happy household.

Motoko Tue 26-Mar-19 21:33:14

I bet you'll find that people wonder why you're with him. Your parents will no doubt be relieved. Mine were, even though they didn't know the half of it.

Try to get some counselling to help you deal with your emotions about the termination. There won't be any judgement from a counsellor.

Brownpigeon Tue 26-Mar-19 20:51:57

Oh god, I've been there.

The relationship between him and my parents. Never supporting / being proud of me. Never saying I looked nice, no family time, him watching tv and iPad at the same time, etc etc.

I couldn't wait until next year when your daughter finishes exams, but that's up to you.

I worried about losing my house and the impact on the children.
It was so, so hard.
But, take one step at a time, and it's do-able.

I'm out the other side. I never thought I'd get there, but I did... and it's bloody brilliant.

Zaza6375 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:42:04

Athough I cannot physically talk to anyone about the termination so no one around me will ever understand the full impact of what that had on me and the utter guilt he put me through..and my utter horror and disgust that I did it for his sake and happiness. No one will ever know and will question why would you leave a great marriage?
Or maybe they already know? Maybe they can see I’m unhappy x

Zaza6375 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:38:33

Oh goodness what amazing messages. I’m truly touched. Wow what strong women you all are x thank you from me, my girls and my dogs x
I’m not sure what to do long term but I’m the meantime I’m going to try to start saving a bit. Getting on top of things that need going on the house. I need to wait until my eldest daughter gets through her GCSEs next summer. My other two daughters, 12 & 4 will with time be ok. I’m going to try and reconnect with freinds that I’ve kind of lost along the way and making the effort to meet up in the evenings so I don’t go to bed at 7pm. I always cancel last minute as it’s too much effort.
I’m going to start accepting invitations and I’m just not going to include him. Start living my own life a little.
I may try and join a running club to get out and meet new people too.
I’m still kind of shocked that this isn’t the normal way to feel and that people are still loved treasured and just have fun happy times with laughter. I love to laugh.
Thank you for opening my eyes. I need to try and confide in someone but I know once I do that there’s no going back.
He has no family around him as has distanced himself from them and they live miles away. They have no contact with the girls.
Lol I’m writing this whilst in bed with all 3 of my lovely girls watching telly.. again!
It’s time for change.

Motoko Tue 26-Mar-19 19:57:14

My husband and I have been together for 20 years, married 14. Despite the last 6 years being really bad, due to my cancer diagnosis, (I was 49) and his health not being good, including bouts of depression, we still love and respect each other.
We enjoy each other's company, and usually manage to have a laugh about something every day (he's got such a dry wit!).
Ours is a good relationship.

Your marriage, is unfortunately, very common, but you don't have to carry on, that's what divorce is for.

You and your children (and dogs), deserve to be happy. As I've found out, life can be a lot shorter than we expect, so don't waste any more time living in this miserable marriage. Your children will benefit from their mum being happy. You, and they, will be able to have friends and your family round, whenever you want it.

Stop covering for him, start living your life, and go and see a solicitor to find out where you stand regarding the house, because he might not have an option about leaving the house. Often, courts award the house to the parent with care, at least until the youngest child is 18, and as your DD has autism, you might be awarded the house in the division of assets.

You can have a happy life, but you need to be the one to make it happen. Speak to your family and friends, and let them help and support you.

And book those tickets for that festival!

dazedandconfucius Tue 26-Mar-19 19:56:51

Hi OP,

Your post is EXACTLY what my mother has been saying for years about my father. I have never known my parents happy together. My mum is living the exact same way as you talk about (without the autistic child). My dad has no friends and alienates hers, nobody ever comes over, etc. Ever since I was a kid, she's constantly told me how unhappy she is with the way my dad behaves (I suspect he might be on the spectrum, but that's another issue), but she won't do anything about it. She says she has no money to leave, that my dad won't give her any money to leave, and tbh I don't think she has the balls to go anyway.

I have told her time and time again that life is not a dress rehearsal, and I've used what I've learned on MN to tell her that she'd be entitled to half of anything he's got, so money shouldn't be an issue. But she still won't do anything. They're in their 60s/70s now and yet won't do anything to improve the situation while they still can.

I feel pretty well qualified to speak from the child's point of view. I'm not saying you complain to your kids about how you feel, but they most likely know or suspect. I've never lived through a divorce but I wonder if it's any less of a headfuck to see your parents tolerate each other and live a permanently miserable existence as a result. In my own case, I've been pretty messed up with the way they behave and then come bitching to me about the other. After a while you just want to bang their heads together, get them to make the break and find contentment separately.

I've promised myself I won't ever be like them - I tell my DH and DC every day that I love them, and I refuse to end up in the same situation as my parents have.

I do feel I should add here that my mum totally coloured my opinion of my dad for years. For years I thought he was a nasty piece of work, then I realised he and my mum just don't understand each other and have no way to communicate. She's not entirely wrong in what she says about him, but she was very wrong to influence my opinion. (A close relative says my dad actually adores my mum, and I think that's probably true, but he doesn't know how to show it, never mind say it.)

So apart from the fact that you deserve to be happy, maybe make the break so that your kids get to know their dad themselves and not through the lens of your unhappy marriage. Remember that your relationship may well influence theirs in future - kids often base their relationships on the model they've learned at home. As I say, I've never experienced divorce, but I wonder if kids benefit more from seeing two parents happy when apart than they do from living with two parents who can't stand to be around the other.

Sorry this turned into such a long post/rant. I do feel for you.

PoliticalBiscuit Tue 26-Mar-19 17:10:18

It's been a long time together, it would be a shame to move on now but his behaviour sounds untenable.

I would probably tell my husband in similar circumstances it's counselling or it's over- and if he calls me controlling it would make it that much easier to tell him to leave.

OutInTheCountry Tue 26-Mar-19 17:08:08

I think there are a lot of people who have marriages like this but that doesn't mean you should stick it out if you don't want to. I know divorce has a massive impact on children and they would almost always prefer their parents to stay together but you have to think about the life you're showing them too.

I'm so sorry you regret your termination too, that must really hurt.

Why don't you explore what would happen if you did leave - have a chat with a solicitor and see what you'd be entitled to. Is there any way you could get some counselling yourself from Relate or some-one. Also do you have much of a support network of friends or relatives or are you a bit isolated.

Nathansmommy1 Tue 26-Mar-19 17:05:39

I also have a child with autism (He's 5) and what he needs in his life is hope, positivity and to be able to socialise as much as possible to help with his social skills. Your husband is stopping these things from happening. You want to be fun and positive and your husband is putting a downer on things all the time, you want to socialise with others but you can't go anywhere with your husband without him being moody, and you can't invite people to your house either. Don't stay with him for the sake of your children, he is holding you back and will hold them back too

BettyBoo246 Tue 26-Mar-19 16:56:40

Op didn’t want to read and run but just cooking a million and one dinners
I was just 7 when my parents separated and to see and more importantly feel the difference in my dms well-being and attitude to life change for the better was such a massive weight lifted off my young shoulders.

They never once argued in front of me. However the misery was written all over their faces and I could see what other friends parents were like together and well mine just weren’t.

It really is true, better to be apart and happy then together and miserable for your dcs sake.

Marriage can get mundane and comfortable and yes challenging at times but you and your partner ultimately should have each other’s back, love and respect each other and want to be together.

You have my sympathy op I’ve been where you are and if it had not have been for seeing my dm being so strong through her separation I may possibly still be in that toxic relationship

Surround yourself with good friends and family if you can and tell yourself you can do this and not only for your children’s happiness but for yours too as life is far too short flowers

Rockmysocks Tue 26-Mar-19 16:33:15

How is he mean to your dogs? Your kids worry about the dogs? Doesn't sound like they'll take too long to get used to their dad not being in their life. And you, kids and dogs can live a happy life.

MummyStruggles Tue 26-Mar-19 14:00:42

What will break your childrens' hearts is seeing their Mummy unhappy. It's very easy to sit here and tell you what we think you should do but having the courage to do it is extremely hard.

I was in the same situation with my DD's father, desperately unhappy and could see no way out. I stayed for the sake of my child and the fact I didn't want her to be from a "broken" home. It got to the point where my DD said to us one night "Mummy, Daddy please don't fight anymore" and I knew then I had to leave. I had a fantastic support network and I finally broke free. I've never looked back and I know my DD is happier knowing Mummy is happier.

You sound miserable. Look after number 1, for a change, do what you know will make you happier in the long term.

Hugs! X

Zaza6375 Tue 26-Mar-19 13:51:20

Thank you for all your kind messages and taking the time to reply. I feel sad for so many of you that have been through similar too.
I’ve decided to go out with my mum dad and my kids on Mother’s Day. There is no point him coming along. I’m sure I will feel more relaxed with him not there.
I hate the way he can’t interact with my’s so embarrassing and I’m constantly on edge.
I know he will never walk away from the house however hard it gets.
I need to give all of this thought as I just do want to be happy again.
I love the comment from the poster who described their marriage, how they laugh every day and theres respect too. I so want that! Xx

Mermaidkisses Tue 26-Mar-19 13:31:55

Life is short and we all deserve to be happy ... your children need you to be happy. You must do what makes you happy.
I was married for 26 years, we were declared bankrupt 7 years ago, we lost everything, business, house, cars ... on the day of our hearing he turned to me and said "you never support me" despite me working 2 jobs, working in his shop and raising 2 young boys ... I was devastated! It took me 6 years to build up the courage to do something about it. He walked out 8 months ago saying he no longer felt loved! I have never been happier, my lads and I live in a little cottage and I finally feel that I can be me, my friends say I look so much happier and younger.
I guess I'm just saying it's scary but you are strong and you can do it! Be happy !!

HelloMonday Tue 26-Mar-19 11:42:05

Im not sure what advise to give.
So I'll tender my reaction instead.

You post struck a cord with me because my domestically abusive and violent marriage ended less than 6 months ago.
I've got 3 kids, one with autism too.
It's tough.
Being married was tough too though.
Your post really just reminded me all the persistent dread and day to day drudgery that made me utterly miserable. It reminded me why I can't reconcile from our seperation. No way to i want to risk that again.

First step in your case, I think is to start living life without him. Stop putting it all on hold hoping he'll join in. Have fun and enjoy your life and kids.

nothinglikeadame Tue 26-Mar-19 09:42:36

OP you are not on your own in being in this situation..being 'trapped' is quite a common state in marriages.

I think suddenly up and off doesn't seem to be an option for you, but you can still tell your husband it's over, and that you need to start working the finances out with a view to an amicable as possible split.

It sounds like he can't possibly be shocked..from your words he sounds unhappy, distant and resentful. Surely the thought of more freedom and less 'shackles' appeals to him?

Easier said than done though isn't it? Maybe a full frank discussion is the starting point. If he doesn't want to listen, send him an email or write him a letter similar to your opening post.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best.

TooOldForThisUrgh Tue 26-Mar-19 07:59:06

You have so much empathy from me OP. There are so many elements of what you say of your situation that ring so true of mine. It’s a dreadful position to be in, and the sense of fear, guilt and being stuck is pretty suffocating. I can’t offer you advice as I can’t even deal with my own situation, but I can tell you that you aren’t alone.

HarrysOwl Tue 26-Mar-19 07:47:51

*Is this what marriage is like?
Is this what your relationships are like*

My marriage is, very luckily, full of support, fun (we laugh every day) and respect. If it slowly changed into what you describe, I don't think I'd be very happy.

I think you've lived like this for so long it's become normal. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but you do deserve (very much so) to be happier and be treated with respect and support.

If you think about the logistics of splitting, what would that look like? How are your finances? Would he move out? Gently start thinking about how that may make you feel.

You sound like a great mum and you've put up with a great deal already, time to think about your well-being and happiness. Life is so short, and you may find a new lease of's never too late.

Good luck flowers

Nanny0gg Tue 26-Mar-19 07:03:56

What will break your children hearts? They dont appear to have a relationship with him.

First off, get counselling for yourself. You need the support and to deal emotionally with the termination .

Then start a thread on the Relationships topic. There will be be a huge wealth of advice and support on there.

InDubiousBattle Tue 26-Mar-19 07:03:35

No op, this isn't normal, it isn't what relationships are like. My dp is a wonderful partner , supportive, gentle, kind, tolerant.
You sound desperately unhappy. Have you spoken to him about how serious the situation is?

Zaza6375 Tue 26-Mar-19 06:56:17

Thank you all. But I can’t help but think is this normal? Is this what marriage is like?
Is this what your relationships are like?
I never get told I look nice and I do make an effort. He’s never proud of me for setting up my own business.
I was laying in bed last night thinking I never invite freinds here with their kids because he is just so moody and rude. This isn’t normal is it?
We don’t have mutual adult friends we have our own freinds that don’t mix.
Am I over reacting? I can’t physically tell anyone about the termination as it..well I can’t even go there. I still can’t believe I did it.
He loves his kids but refuses to discipline and won’t support me if I tell them calm down..’do as she says or ill get it in the neck’
My kids love him. I don’t think they would say he’s fun as I try to do that part.
My girls worry more about the dogs than anything else.
My 4yr old with autism is a gift. He loves her but my pregnancy with her was horrendous. I kept being told that he was to old for this, he was a laughing stock. My dad was seriously ill with cancer at the same time.
However she’s here and she is amazing 😉

CanuckBC Tue 26-Mar-19 06:54:52

You can be happy without him. Your kids will adjust. Your existence now sounds miserable. If you want to go to the summer concert with your children, go! Have fun without him! Just because he’s being an old grumpy miser doesn’t mean you have to be🙂

Start living your life within your marriage without him and realize how much more there is. You will come to know life without him will be that much more. You shouldn’t have to change yourself that much to be with him! There are always little compromises but not your whole self, not what makes you you!

I did this with my ex-h and didn’t realize how much so until after we were separated. My mantra afterwards was that I was free to be me! It was amazing how freeing it was to be free of his passive aggressive behaviour.

Inliverpool1 Tue 26-Mar-19 06:39:02

The kids know more than you think
But the truth is the don’t care, they won’t want their world to change even if you’re miserable so try to remove them from
The thought process. I’d start saving up running away fund, even if you give him £3000 and tell him to leave. It sounds exhausting and over. I’d be ripping the band aid off as fast as you can, things literally can only get better.

mamansnet Tue 26-Mar-19 06:33:42

Do your kids know how you feel? What do they think about him?

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