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End of the road?

(30 Posts)
Zaza6375 Mon 25-Mar-19 21:11:27

I’m not living my life.
I have been with my husband for 26 years. We have 3 lovely daughters 15, 12 & 4. The youngest has Autism.
We met when we were young and have built successful businesses together and it was fun.
26 years on I don’t feel I can go on. I’m lonely..and feel life is ticking by but at 46 I’m not sure I’ve got the balls to leave.
Things changed between us when he guilted me in to having a termination 6 years ago. He said I was ruining his life and couldn’t cope. It absolutely destroyed me and I suffered from depression and anxiety afterwards.
I went on to have my superstar 4yr old who has autism as well as some other special needs.
My husband has never had my back..I am used to fighting my own battles and it’s hurtful.
He had a difficult upbringing, completely opposite to my fun loving upbringing.
My husband seems incapable of having fun. He watches the telly downstairs (boxing) on his own night after night. He is also watching it on the iPad and phone at the same bloody time. He watches internet porn a lot which no longer bothers me.
I’m in bed at 7pm most nights..in fact every night..with my kids.
He is constantly miserable, he is incredibly mean to our two dogs and hates them.
On the rare occasion we do go out all he does is moan and bitch other people off. I can’t live like this anymore but how do I break my kids hearts?
He resents my family (my parents and brother) who all are fun and just make so much of their lives. I’m already dreading Mother’s Day and Easter as he doesn’t join in and is moody, off and glazed over when they talk to him. I cover for him all the time.

I work hard full time during the day and a couple of evenings too I earn as-well as running the home and taking care of the kids.
We have a beautiful home but I don’t think there is any love left.
If I ask him if he could help me..such as pick up something from town I get called ‘controlling’
We get invited to some nice places but he never wants to go (we’ve been invited to a music festival this summer..and he doesn’t fancy it)
I’m going to start doing things on my own if I’m invited as I’m missing out (prob my kids are too) He refuses to meet new people.
What do I do? We can’t talk as he just goes mad. He lacks any back bone and would never take the initiative to separate.
We no longer have a sex life and he says when I suggest counselling it’s an insult. I don’t think he fears losing me I think he fears losing the house.
I’m terrified of leaving him as I don’t know how to cope financially. What will my freinds and family say?
I don’t even know how to start things.
My overwhelming feeling is if I became ill or anything was to happen to me would I need him there? No. Would I want him there? No. Would I want to end my days with him by my side? No because I can’t rely on him to help me..to make things better.

My choices are that we stay like this until the girls leave home, but I’m not sure my youngest will ever be able to...
Anyone else been in a situation like this?
What if we split and it’s the wrong decision? Does that ever happen?
What if I actually become my happy fun self again. Is that possible?
Sorry for the waffling I just need to write it down
Total head screw!

Zaza6375 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:38:33

Oh goodness what amazing messages. I’m truly touched. Wow what strong women you all are x thank you from me, my girls and my dogs x
I’m not sure what to do long term but I’m the meantime I’m going to try to start saving a bit. Getting on top of things that need going on the house. I need to wait until my eldest daughter gets through her GCSEs next summer. My other two daughters, 12 & 4 will with time be ok. I’m going to try and reconnect with freinds that I’ve kind of lost along the way and making the effort to meet up in the evenings so I don’t go to bed at 7pm. I always cancel last minute as it’s too much effort.
I’m going to start accepting invitations and I’m just not going to include him. Start living my own life a little.
I may try and join a running club to get out and meet new people too.
I’m still kind of shocked that this isn’t the normal way to feel and that people are still loved treasured and just have fun happy times with laughter. I love to laugh.
Thank you for opening my eyes. I need to try and confide in someone but I know once I do that there’s no going back.
He has no family around him as has distanced himself from them and they live miles away. They have no contact with the girls.
Lol I’m writing this whilst in bed with all 3 of my lovely girls watching telly.. again!
It’s time for change.

Zaza6375 Tue 26-Mar-19 20:42:04

Athough I cannot physically talk to anyone about the termination so no one around me will ever understand the full impact of what that had on me and the utter guilt he put me through..and my utter horror and disgust that I did it for his sake and happiness. No one will ever know and will question why would you leave a great marriage?
Or maybe they already know? Maybe they can see I’m unhappy x

Brownpigeon Tue 26-Mar-19 20:51:57

Oh god, I've been there.

The relationship between him and my parents. Never supporting / being proud of me. Never saying I looked nice, no family time, him watching tv and iPad at the same time, etc etc.

I couldn't wait until next year when your daughter finishes exams, but that's up to you.

I worried about losing my house and the impact on the children.
It was so, so hard.
But, take one step at a time, and it's do-able.

I'm out the other side. I never thought I'd get there, but I did... and it's bloody brilliant.

Motoko Tue 26-Mar-19 21:33:14

I bet you'll find that people wonder why you're with him. Your parents will no doubt be relieved. Mine were, even though they didn't know the half of it.

Try to get some counselling to help you deal with your emotions about the termination. There won't be any judgement from a counsellor.

Motoko Tue 26-Mar-19 21:38:47

Oh, and don't wait until next year to see a solicitor. Do that asap, so you know where you stand. You might find that you won't need to wait until then, and it's not good to put it off for so long, or you might end up finding excuses to keep delaying it. DD might find doing her GCSEs better, in a more happy household.

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