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To not want MIL to stay on Mother’s Day

(100 Posts)
TomorrowsDiet Mon 25-Mar-19 20:35:25

For background, DH is an only child and his mother has been single for the past 30 years. She is very hard work. Unfortunately, there is no FIL/BIL/SIL to share the burden.

The primary issue is that she stays for at least 3 nights every month!! The minute she arrives, she doesn’t stop talking. This trait alone would be fine, except that it is nearly all complaining about everyone she has encountered over the previous few weeks (neighbours/workmen/waiters/hairdresser etc).

She’s also hard of hearing (so if I mention something directly to DH when she’s in the room, she wants to know all of the background and gets me to repeat myself constantly).

She also expects to be waited on and is passive aggressive about it (e.g. says aloud to the room containing only me and a baby “just wondering if anyone is going to pour me a glass of wine”). Last visit, I made snacks for my DDs and she got offended that I didn’t ask her if she wanted a snack. When I told her that she never snacks between meals, she said that she doesn’t actually want a snack, but she wants to be asked if she wants a snack. FFS!!

We currently live 45 minutes away. I’m thinking that we need to move further. In the meantime, she’s invited herself to stay this weekend (Mother’s Day). I know she’s a mother too, so maybe I can send DH to her house instead.

AIBU to want to celebrate an enjoyable Mother’s Day just with my own children without her? She already monopolises every Christmas and birthday for the past 12 years!!

Any tips on how to manage the old harridan would be greatly appreciated!

SneakyGremlins Mon 25-Mar-19 20:36:48

Go away for the night. With DCs. Leave DH to entertain her.

Does he not stand up to her?

Twickerhun Mon 25-Mar-19 20:38:54

If you accidentally contracted a vomiting bug would she stay away?

feelingsinister Mon 25-Mar-19 20:39:52

Why does she need to stay over if she's only 45 minutes away?!

Don't move further, she'll just stay longer.

Does your husband know how annoying she is? I'd be insisting that Mother's Day is family time. Maybe he could visit her in the morning but then say that you have something booked for the rest of the day?

Treaclesweet Mon 25-Mar-19 20:39:55

I think your idea is a good one; send DH to her. Get him to sell it to her as proper alone time for them. Does he find her as grating as you?

MissEliza Mon 25-Mar-19 20:40:18

I would send your dh to her.

Singlenotsingle Mon 25-Mar-19 20:40:57

Tell her sorry, you've booked a celebration weekend away. Night in a hotel Saturday night, followed by Sunday lunch. It'd have to be a sensible distance away though.

Middlrm Mon 25-Mar-19 20:41:01

No idea... apart from get your husband to tell her he wants to go to her, better from him ... and you do something nice with the girls.

This is my first mother’s day ... and already I am having it for my and my baby ( likely a one off for a while but I shall enjoy this one ) .. the mums are having their Mother’s Day on the Saturday .... and no one has conplained ... but my mil and mum are pretty awesome / my husband has suggested and already decided what he is making me for dinner ... you got the short straw there with your mil x x

KarmaStar Mon 25-Mar-19 20:42:04

You could suggest that the restaurants all home up prices on mothers day,but your dh will be delighted to take her out for a lovely lunch on the Saturday.
Then you get Sunday to relaxflowers

KarmaStar Mon 25-Mar-19 20:42:23

*hike up*

Drum2018 Mon 25-Mar-19 20:44:15

Send Dh to hers this weekend, most definietely, if you are happy with that. And maybe encourage that set up from now on too, or at least every second month. You don't need to play servant for her. If Dh wants her to come and stay then let him make up the bed, listen to her witter on while you go and have a soak in the bath, etc.

When she does arrive next time get Dh to say as soon as she arrives 'You know where everything is so help yourself to snacks, drinks when you need them'. If she asks for wine point her to the fridge/counter top, likewise if she's looking for a towel, for example, remind her where they are. Stop being so accommodating when she's well able to fend for herself. It would do my head in to have anyone stay who expects to be waited on hand and foot.

Fluffyears Mon 25-Mar-19 20:45:10

Ignore her passive aggressive comments, when she get the manner to say ‘could you pour me a glass of wine please?’ Get her her wine but don’t respond to passive aggressive nonsense.

Clown77 Mon 25-Mar-19 20:47:23

Tell her you are going out for Mother’s Day with DDs and tell your husband he either stands up for you and joins you or entertain his mother instead at her house

Minai Mon 25-Mar-19 20:47:54

I’d send dh to her and put a stop to the 3 day visits. If she is 45 mins away there no need for her to stay.

Samind Mon 25-Mar-19 20:48:44

Have a full day out with the kids and leave DM to settle into the house so she can get herself wine and snacks and possiby a notebook to write down complaints whilst she awaits your return.

NorthernLurker Mon 25-Mar-19 20:49:09

Just me who feels sorry for the mil? Alone, loathed by her dil and likely to end up alienated from her son and grandchildren? Three days a month isn't much time with your only child.

Happynow001 Mon 25-Mar-19 20:49:24

I think you need to tell him clearly how you've felt over the years (and not just hint at it) - you've been stoic long enough - and strongly suggest he goes to her: after all she is his mother, not yours. Then enjoy mother's day with your DCs - or with your mother?

Also re her staying overnight for at least three nights every month when she only lives 45mins away - what's that all about? How/why did that start? That must be so difficult for you - how much does your DH contribute to looking after her?

Clown77 Mon 25-Mar-19 20:51:56

And stop entertaining her next time she’s round tell her it’s difficult her staying round as you have other things to get on with

Jesus Christ what a silly MIL you have confused

BackforGood Mon 25-Mar-19 20:52:21

Why on earth is she staying for day visits when she lives that close ?
I assumed you were going to say she was 4 hours away shock

WWWWicked Mon 25-Mar-19 20:52:30

If she's only 45 mins away I'm not sure why she needs to come and stay?

For the perfect Mother's Day - your DH gets the DC up and makes you breakfast in bed along with cards and gifts. Then he takes the DC to your MIL allowing you to have a lazy morning to yourself. He can be back early afternoon to take you out for a late lunch/early tea.

Win-win. He sees his own mother (it is Mother's Day after all) without you having to go along, you get some alone time and also get taken out and have some family time without MIL.

IvanaPee Mon 25-Mar-19 20:55:30

God, I couldn’t live like that!

She’s obviously quite lonely but I still couldn’t do it.

Sending your dh is a good solution. What does he make of it all?

Justmuddlingalong Mon 25-Mar-19 21:01:19

Is your DH on the same page as you?

Petalflowers Mon 25-Mar-19 21:06:46

Ten out of ten for getting ‘harridan’ in the op.

1frenchfoodie Mon 25-Mar-19 21:12:16

I am with you NorthernLurker in feeling sorry for the MIL. She sounds lonely - my mum has lived alone for 2 decades and is a bit starved of adult company so chatters the whole time too. Usually about neighbours I have never met. 3 days a month is not a lot with your only child. Why not plan stuff to keep out of her way or to do with her and keep her busy/cut the chat (a cinema trip) if it grates. Yes DH could go to her, particularly for mothers day, but it sounds like she enjoys your company than you do hers, sadly.

shatteredandstressed Mon 25-Mar-19 21:13:55

There is no need for 3 day stays every month. I don't think I could tolerate that even if she was a delightful guest.
You'll have to train her better and establish better boundaries going forward.

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