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To move house for this reason?

(76 Posts)
trebless Mon 25-Mar-19 16:30:40

Many won't understand if they don't have a child with special needs.....

But I do. He's autistic. It's it's time to look at secondary schools for him.

Where we live they aren't many options. He needs to go to a special needs school over mainstream. Everyone agrees - his school now, support worker etc

However....where we live, he won't get a space in the special needs school due to us living 1/2 a mile out of that local council.

In order for him to get a place in the special needs secondary school, we need to move. No questions asked. The spaces are so limited at the school that they prioritise the local children before the ones on the outskirts. That's how it works.

I've looked around this secondary school who have said that yes he should have a place there but due to the school being over subscribed and where we live, he won't get a place.

There are no other schools. I've looked around the mainstream schools here who have said they would do their very best for my son but they probably couldn't accommodate his needs.

We rent. We need to give one months notice.

Dh is my ds step dad. He doesn't want to move. He said he won't move from one house to another for this reason.

I need to move. I need to do what's right for my son. It won't affect anything for dh as far as his life changing. We just need to move 1/2 a mile up the road!

Aibu to move?? I'm just a mum putting her son first.

Please don't suggest alternatives as there really isn't any. We don't move then he goes into mainstream

HarperIsBazaar Mon 25-Mar-19 16:32:10

Absolutely not unreasonable. I think you’re making the right decision

azulmariposa Mon 25-Mar-19 16:34:33

I thought if a school was specified in their ECHP then they couldn't refuse?

Cwtches123 Mon 25-Mar-19 16:34:54

Move!!! Getting the right school place for SEN is too important to mess up.

trebless Mon 25-Mar-19 16:37:00

@azulmariposa no. It may do in some areas but not here. He has an EHCP. The school I want him to go to will be named in the EHCP but then it goes to a panel at the council who decide who gets the limited places. Because we live on the outskirts, he won't get a place. Even we do move then he may not get a place but it will massively increase his chances. The schools just don't have the space and that's the problem.

Disfordarkchocolate Mon 25-Mar-19 16:37:52

We did it for my eldest son (not SN), his step day was 100% behind it. I'd be very disappointed with his level of commitment if I was you.

trebless Mon 25-Mar-19 16:38:35

Thanks to those who agree!! I just needed to hear it from others. My marriage may actually end over this but 🤷🏻‍♀️

Frustrating as I've done a lot for dh and always go out of my way to help him with some pretty big issues....but don't get the same in return so I suppose it shows a lot

Isohungy Mon 25-Mar-19 16:38:38

Why would you marry someone who doesn't care enough about your son to move half a mile. Wtf

Quartz2208 Mon 25-Mar-19 16:39:13

Can you move without him

trebless Mon 25-Mar-19 16:39:28

@Isohungy because this is just an issue now!! If I would of known this at the start then obviously I wouldn't of....

Isohungy Mon 25-Mar-19 16:39:42

And no you're not BU. Move and leave dh behind... dont drag him with you. He's either committed to your son or not.

trebless Mon 25-Mar-19 16:40:49

@Quartz2208 yes I should be able too. If a landlord will accept me. I only work part time and get carers allowance but I've never had a problem renting before in my situation. I don't need to do it ASAP, I have a few months to find somewhere but the sooner the better really

Oysterbabe Mon 25-Mar-19 16:41:07

Your husband is an arsehole. I don't understand why he would refuse at all.

Nurseornot Mon 25-Mar-19 16:42:00

YANBU.

It's a home, but it's not everything. The most important thing is your son's welfare. If he has the best chance at the special school, then I would also try everything I could do to get him a place. It's the same with anything when it comes to your children. If my children were allergic to nuts, we would have to move away from nut farms. It's just life. You're not wrong for doing this for your son.

Iloveacurry Mon 25-Mar-19 16:43:29

You need to do what’s best for your son.

ItWentInMyEye Mon 25-Mar-19 16:43:32

Yanbu, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Doubletrouble99 Mon 25-Mar-19 16:43:41

We have Sen children and you are absolutely right in wanting to move. Is your DH not happy with the upheaval? what are his reasons? Is there any way you can try to mitigate them.

DaffodilsAreMyFav Mon 25-Mar-19 16:45:25

It's a positive that you're renting - quicker and easier to move. The move is entirely necessary. All the best with it.

heartshapedknob Mon 25-Mar-19 16:45:28

You’d be doing absolutely the right thing for your son.

If your husband would rather be a petulant manchild willing to end a marriage over the sake of a half mile move for the sake of your son’s welfare at school, well. He’s showing you who he is.

L1989 Mon 25-Mar-19 16:45:38

Hi OP, mummy to a special needs child here smile I absolutely agree to moving! Sounds like the SEN schools near you are very busy and popular! I live about an hours drive away from my DD SEN school and moved while she was there but they didn't mind her staying there thankfully! But it was something we checked with first before the move. I hope things work out for you x

Troels Mon 25-Mar-19 16:48:06

Move. If this is the school your child needs, do it. Trying to get him through High school will be challenging enough without the bother of it being a mainstream that can't properly meet his needs.

swingofthings Mon 25-Mar-19 16:49:02

Why doesn't he wa t to move? Does he think you are wrongly fixated on this school? Dis he look at your budget and worked out you could afford a place big enough within the catchment area? Does he not want to move because he commutes for work and moving in the catchment area would significantly increase his commute time?

Without knowing his true reasons for not wanting to move, it's hard to judge who is unreasonable.

ShartGoblin Mon 25-Mar-19 16:50:41

Yes you need to move. No question - your child comes first. What does your DH suggest as an alternative?

I have an autistic family member who's parents spent years trying to get him into a special school, it was a struggle but they eventually did it.

Almost immediately after he was accepted things got so much better for him. He suddenly had all of these friends that understood him because they were like him. He no longer felt isolated and different, It changed his life and enabled him to grow up with a huge support network, lifelong friends and the social skills he needed to get a job (something we never thought possible before).

azulmariposa Mon 25-Mar-19 16:50:58

Contact IPSEA, I'm sure the school can't turn down the place on basis of your location: https://www.ipsea.org.uk/choosing-a-schoolcollege-with-an-ehc-plan

Also see this:
It says here: https://www.senexpertsolicitors.co.uk/site/news/can-schools-refuse-to-be-named-on-an-education-health-and-care-p of the Children and Families Act 2014 says that all schools, must admit a child if their EHCP names the school. This applies to independent schools and institutions if the school or institution has received approval from the Secretary of State under section 41 Children and Families Act. A search for the school on Section 43 will normally reveal if it has received s41 approval. Effectively this means that local authorities can direct all schools to admit a child with an EHCP.

Edubase

trebless Mon 25-Mar-19 16:51:54

Thanks all. I know what I have to do. I've been on the ball with it and like I say, I've got about 3 months before I apply him (really need to have moved before applying).

The house we have now is lovely, dh has put some work into it though it is rented, we get on really well with the landlord who has basically let us do what we want to make it feel like ours and has always been great with repairs etc etc. So that's his reason for not wanting to move. And I get it. I like this house too and I'll be sad to leave.

But it's a house. Ds is my life.

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