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Worried no man will ever fancy me again

(32 Posts)
pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 14:03:07

I've just left an abusive relationship, after having a baby. The abuse developed and got worse throughout pregnancy. He made me feel disgusting. Fat. Ugly. Stretch marky. Wobbly. Lopsided etc.

I've gone from a toned size 8-10 to a flabby size 12-14. So I'm not that big and my BMI is fine, but I am SO flabby and covered from calves to arms in big red stretch marks. This paired with my ex drilling in to me that I'm fat, that nobody will go near me and that I am damaged goods because I've had a baby (apparently men don't like women with babies...) has damaged my self esteem. I'm truly ashamed of my body. I know I should be proud of it.

Has anyone else felt similar and learnt to be okay with their body? I don't want a new relationship just yet, I want to be single for a while, but it doesn't stop me worrying about the future and how utterly unattractive I feel...

Limensoda Mon 25-Mar-19 14:13:01

First of all you are NOT ugly or fat after having a baby.
You are a woman who has given birth and what you describe is normal.
Your ex is the ugly disgusting one.
Of course someone will love you! Millions of women who have children go on to have new relationships. Any man who is put off by children, or stretch marks or even 'flab' is really not the sort of person you need in your life anyway.
Your ex has worn you down. Be proud of yourself and your body!

woodcutbirds Mon 25-Mar-19 14:14:20

First, well done for getting rid of him.
Next, you got rid of him for a reason. He was abusive. So really his opinion of your body has zero relevance any more (easier said than done, but keep telling yoruself this.) His opinion was designed with one goal in mind: to make you feel rubbish.
Focus on anthing you can quickly do to improve how you feel about your looks. Face packs, hair treatments etc to brighten your skin and make your hair thick and shiny. Do your nails, hands and toes, Use a bit of make up if you don't already. Start wearing only your favourite outfits. Start taking exercise - aim for strength and tone. Concentrate on you liking and feeling good about your body. Doesn't matter what the hell any man thinks for now. Not until you are feeling really confident again. And when you are, you won't give a toss about men who judge you for having had a baby and the body to show it. You wouldn't give tossers like that the itme of day anyway. Let them have to meet your high standards, not vice versa.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Mon 25-Mar-19 14:15:22

I think, you're hell bent on charging into a new relationship before taking time to adjust to being just you, rediscovering yourself, your wants and needs.

[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3542428-to-ask-for-positives-when-it-comes-to-being-newly-single]]

Username90 Mon 25-Mar-19 14:17:28

@pigbee he sounds delightful! I’m so glad you are out of that relationship now. You’re not fat and you obviously know that based on your BMI, remember that your body has grown your baby, another life! Our bodies go through so much in pregnancy, childbirth and when the baby is here that it’s only natural to have stretch marks, lop sided boobs and a bit of a wobble. Please don’t let this vile man make you believe that you’re anything other than beautiful. Of course you’ll find happiness with someone else who will love you for you. He sounds jealous and manipulative and you deserve so much better than that. Enjoy being a mummy and love yourself. 💐

Limensoda Mon 25-Mar-19 14:18:42

I think, you're hell bent on charging into a new relationship before taking time to adjust to being just you, rediscovering yourself, your wants and needs

She says she isn't !

FuriousCheekyFucker Mon 25-Mar-19 14:19:08

If you've got rid of him, sounds like you've lost 14 stone of flab you didn't need already!

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 14:21:36

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking no, I'm not. I'm just out of an abusive relationship. I'm exhausted. I have a small baby. I have no time for relationships. I am excited, truly excited at the prospect of someone loving me for myself, as I had resigned myself to being in an abusive relationship for the rest of my life. I'm excited that someday I may have a healthy sex life that doesn't include hair pulling and slapping. I'm trying to heal and the realisation that someday I may be happy with another man who cherishes me isn't me rushing in to another relationship. Am I not allowed to be excited to meet someone new even early on after the split? Isn't it normal to think about that? I'm not looking for anyone, I'm not on OLD, I'm not dating, I'm buying my own house and setting up with my son. I'm aware of my other thread, I started it myself.

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 14:24:10

@FuriousCheekyFucker 16 actually 🤣

lmusic87 Mon 25-Mar-19 14:24:24

Your life will get better from now on, well done for making such a big decision.

Focus on your beautiful children and let yourself heal xxx

Sparklesocks Mon 25-Mar-19 14:29:15

I promise they will OP x

Your body has been through something amazing but very hard, it will take a bit of time but your body will change and your stretch marks will fade. Size 12-14 is not big at all, and I'm sure you have other attractive features. You'll meet a man who treats you with respect and kindness, and fancies the pants off you.

Well done for getting away from him.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Mar-19 14:29:33

Give yourself time OP. Hardly anyone springs back into shape after having a baby. Concentrate on rebuilding your life without the arse of a man you once lived with and slowly your confidence will come.

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 14:30:53

@GreatDuckCookery it's been 5 months and the more weight I lose the worse I look 😥 but I'm getting there.

Thank you!

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Mar-19 14:35:24

Well done for losing weight OP. It can be hard to get toned again but it can be done. 5 months is nothing. Do you have 30 mins during the day to do some exercise to a video? Or go for a power walk with the buggy? Don’t overwhelm yourself right now as you’ve enough to cope with but you’d be amazed how even 30 mins a day can make a difference x

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 14:37:06

@GreatDuckCookery I use resistance bands most nights so I'm getting there. Sometimes it's hard as I don't get that much help with my son. My friends will have him for 30 mins sometimes when I have a bath which is amazing. Not the same as when there are two parents about though!

Thank you x

sailorsdelight Mon 25-Mar-19 14:40:48

You’re better without that insecure loser so your life is already better! Start with some self-care, treat yourself to some nice skin cream , get some new knickers ( that always cheers me up!) get as much sleep as you can, get out in the fresh air, get some fresh fruit and veg in. You’ll start feeling better...

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Mar-19 14:40:57

That’s fab OP. Keep at it. Can you get your hair done or treat yourself to a few new clothes? Just something nice for you?

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 14:42:58

@GreatDuckCookery I did! I bought some really expensive face cream, and had an allergic reaction to it so my whole face scanned up 🤦🏽‍♀️ booking a mini break with my son smile

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 14:44:39

*scabbed

GreatDuckCookery6211 Mon 25-Mar-19 14:45:38

Oh crap! A mini break sounds lovely.
You’re doing a lot better than you actually think you’re doing OP smile

juneau Mon 25-Mar-19 14:46:39

1) You've just shed 14 stone (or whatever your twat of an ex weighed), so I'd feel pretty good about that.
2) Your stretch marks will fade from red to silver in time and be much less noticeable.
3) You're just had a baby, your body is amazing!
4) If you want to feel better or lose weight then just do it gently. Put your baby in the pram and go for a walk, eat healthy balanced meals, get as much sleep as you can, but chill out - for most women the weight does come off - but it can take time.

sue51 Mon 25-Mar-19 14:52:03

On what planet is size 12 fat? Youv'e just had a baby, your body needs time to recover. Look after yourself, when trusted friends offer help, do take it. If you can afford it treat yourself to some new clothes something that makes you feel special. Not all men are like your vile ex, one day the right one for you will come along. You've proved you are strong by getting rid of the ex and facing up to life as a single parent, life will start to get better for you from now on.

AnyOldPrion Mon 25-Mar-19 14:53:03

Congratulations on your baby.

I live in a Scandinavian country where communal changing rooms are the norm. I’ve seen all kinds of bodies. They’re all beautiful. Life’s scars are part of who you are.

BettyDuMonde Mon 25-Mar-19 14:53:30

Men will still fancy you, I promise.

The bit you need to work on is telling the difference between the arseholes and the ones worth dating.

It’s a skill. You get better at it with practice 😉

BlackeyedGruesome Mon 25-Mar-19 14:57:25

Lovely, it is only the arseholes who will not be able to see past any surface blemishes to the lovely person inside.

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