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to ask for positives when it comes to being newly single?

(23 Posts)
pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 12:48:10

...exciting things. I'm newly single. Left a horrid toxic, abusive relationship. I'm working on building my confidence back up. It's been drilled in to me that no other man will touch me because of my belly/lopsided boobs/stretch marks etc. So I'm trying to overcome that. Regardless of my battered self esteem, I'm starting to feel a bit excited...

1) I get to have sex with someone for the first time again
2) I get to settle in my own place and decorate it how I like
3) freedom...

Things I'm worried about...

1) nobody touching me or wanting to date me because I'm 'damaged goods' and have a baby to look after. That's it really..

Can anyone throw some more positives my way?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Mon 25-Mar-19 12:51:22

You're just out of one relationship and you're already focusing on a hypothetical new one.

Take some time out and be yourself for a bit, find your feet, before launching into the dating scene.

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 12:52:33

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking I'm really not. It's going to be a while before I even consider dating again. But it doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to it!

geekone Mon 25-Mar-19 12:53:03

You get to watch what you want on the TV no negotiation or compromise (or I suppose maybe no getting told what you are watching if your relationship was abusive).

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 13:23:20

@geekone definitely. I've binged watched series 1 of greys anatomy already as I was never allowed to watch it sad

JacquesHammer Mon 25-Mar-19 13:28:44

Positives? Everything smile

I’ve been single for 5 years now by choice, that won’t ever change.

But in a nutshell, do what you want, when you want and how you want

Good luck Op!

cocodash Mon 25-Mar-19 13:32:08

@pigbee you've already said it. Greys anatomy.

Once your hooked on mcdreamy and mcsteamy you will need no other man hahahah

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 13:32:15

Thanks @JacquesHammer !

I'm enjoying being single so far. I felt single when I was in a relationship to an extent (no sex, no conversation etc), but without the freedom (was told what to do and when).

It's all new to me and very daunting!

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 13:32:45

@cocodash Mark Sloan oh my days!! 😍

Myheartbelongsto Mon 25-Mar-19 13:35:33

My ex used to say the same to me op, used to say no one will go near you with your baggy fanny.

Well someone did and he's absolutely lovely. He loves every bit of me and I know it.

Try not to let the things he said bother you anymore as that's every abusive bastard says.

When I first met my boyfriend I used to apologise for everything, he picked up on it and just said to me, myheart, you don't need to keep apologising anymore.

And well done for leaving an abusive relationship.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Mon 25-Mar-19 13:36:40

Watch what you want on the telly.. Read in bed without anyone complaining.. Go to sleep when you like.. Get up when you like (obvs within confines of kids / work!) Cook and eat what you like.. Come and go as you please.. Decorate how you choose.. Dress how you please.. Be in total charge of your own finances.. I could go on!! Single for five years now and love it.

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 13:40:42

Thanks @Myheartbelongsto - I'm staying with friends at the moment. They're amazing. She cooks for me every night and her husband looks after my baby whilst I go and have a bath. Their daughter is also a fabulous babysitter!

I'm similar to you. Constantly cleaning, panic if I break something that I'll get an earful, always apologising for things I shouldn't be sorry for, asking if I can do anything even when I'm clearly not coping with my son well that day. It's awful. They're trying to help me out of it.

Glad you've met someone lovely. I'm still in that 'oh my god nobody will ever love me and my horrid body ever again' stage 😥

cantbebotheredtoday Mon 25-Mar-19 13:42:30

Single 3 years and LOVE it. Me and my friend were actually just discussing this this morning and she was saying how she is jealous that I am so content being single as she jumps from one relationship straight to the next.

Things I love about being single -

⁃Freedom - don’t have to answer to anyone (except my 5 year old DD 🤣)
⁃Eating what I like when I like
⁃I’m in charge of the TV
⁃Can slob out without fear of being judged
⁃Days when my DD is at her dads are my days for myself, going walks, visiting friends, getting hair done. I can be totally selfish.
⁃The feeling of independence
⁃No one nagging me
⁃The fact that my mood and happiness is not dependent on another person.

Things I dislike -

⁃When my friends are all busy working or with their partners I can feel a little lonely
⁃Regular sex

And these are very few and far between. Single life is amazing and I don’t see it changing for me any time soon.

Jammydodger1981 Mon 25-Mar-19 13:48:50

I was you a couple of years ago OP. Things I found the best:

No snoring and the bed to myself

Watching whatever I wanted, having a pot noodle/soup/jacket potato for dinner if I wanted

No cringing at the key in the door

Freedom. You cannot put a price on just getting up and deciding what you are doing with your day with no one to answer to. In fact I did all the things I wasn’t allowed to before, I’ve travelled and been to museums, watched crap on tv and decorated how I want. It’s the best feeling in the whole world.

I’ve also met someone amazing after being told I never would on repeat and he adds to my life instead of squashing it. I do miss my single life though!

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 13:50:53

@cantbebotheredtoday I kinda worry about a lack of sex. I was in a sexless relationship and finding myself single now I finally have my sex drive back. With a baby it's not likely I'll be getting any anytime soon! I'm also so self conscious about my wobbly belly, wonky boobs and hundreds of stretch marks. I'm fairly sure no man will find my body attractive 😬

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 13:52:06

@Jammydodger1981 yes to no snoring!! Oh my god his snoring was awful. He also didn't let me co sleep so I had to sleep on the sofa with my son for the first 4 months of his life 😥 I can now keep my son in with me as my little radiator for as long as I like!

Charley34 Mon 25-Mar-19 13:53:43

Congrats on your new freedom! Sorry you had a shit time too x
Go out have some fun your confidence will grow 😉

cantbebotheredtoday Mon 25-Mar-19 13:54:32

@pigbee don't worry about that. I also have a wobbly belly, wonky boobs and hundreds of stretch marks and I've had plenty of action with no complaints! 😜

Anniegetyourgun Mon 25-Mar-19 13:55:47

You can always turn the light off wink

Omzlas Mon 25-Mar-19 14:01:56

TV remote to yourself

Ice cream for lunch and dinner with zero explanations to anyone

Watch TV in your pants

You owe absolutely nothing to anyone. Learn to love yourself. I was newly single through choice and hatred it at first, I mourned the loss of my (abusive) relationship though so allow yourself time to process things, it can be a huge change, especially if you were controlled or coerced and you now have the freedom to do as you please and be your own person. Embrace it!

daphine2004 Mon 25-Mar-19 14:24:50

When I became single I rushed into dating sites which was a huge mistake. I wish I’d taken more time to enjoy getting to know me again and doing what I want, when I want. However before I entered another relationship.

Best bits:

1 travelled solo to places I wanted to go. Scary, but exhilarating and only spoke to people as and when I felt like it. Upside was not compromising on anything in terms of holiday spec!

2. Didn’t shave legs or armpits unless I was wearing something revealing or felt like a pamper day (still do this now).

3. Yes to slobbing and not being accused of Netflix cheating.

4. Starfished in bed.

JacquesHammer Mon 25-Mar-19 14:27:45

I kinda worry about a lack of sex. I was in a sexless relationship and finding myself single now I finally have my sex drive back

You don’t need a relationship to have sex. Just make sure you’re emotionally ready for anything you do. smile

pigbee Mon 25-Mar-19 14:29:47

@JacquesHammer I'm definitely not ready yet. My son is ebf and the idea of leaving him for any amount of time is scary to me. I'll have to eventually but he's my #1 smile

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