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To ask dh what he did with his day?

(28 Posts)
sharond101 Sun 24-Mar-19 21:29:40

I work Sundays. Dh takes the children to visit his Mum and then leaves them at my Mum's for the afternoon. He has chronic pain and working full time this gives him a chance to relax or do things he needs to do. I asked him this evening what he did with his day and he snapped back at me asking why I ask that question as he does nothing with his day. I said I was genuinely interested and he abruptly said he doesn't want asked as he does nothing. He's been really sore lately and pretty grumpy making no conversation at all. Is it really so bad to ask him what he did today?

Ribbonsonabox Sun 24-Mar-19 21:33:23

'What did you do with your day?' Does sound a bit accusatory... if I was in a bad mood and someone asked me that I might think they were passively aggressively having a go at me about doing nothing... especially if I felt guilty and down about it...
Maybe you could try re phrasing it ie: 'did you enjoy your day ?' Or 'did you manage to get much rest?'
So that it cannot be misinterpreted.

ifeellikeanidiot Sun 24-Mar-19 21:35:46

"How was your day?" = Interested chat
"What did you do with your day?" = PA, implies they should have been doing something but that they probably haven't, and that's a problem. I would be a bit hmm if dh asked me that, and that's without the context about chronic pain.

I call reverse

Babyornotbaby Sun 24-Mar-19 21:36:46

As above, depends what exactly you said.

GoGoGadgetGin Sun 24-Mar-19 21:40:39

As pp "what did you do" sounds like you are expecting a report!

checkingforballoons Sun 24-Mar-19 22:17:31

He sounds frustrated. He shouldn’t have snapped, but maybe you two need a cuddle and a chat?

Crunchymum Sun 24-Mar-19 22:20:15

I have arthritis and being asked what I do with my day would fuck me off.

I spent my day doing what all working mums witn 3dc do, with the added pleasure of constant pain.

BackforGood Sun 24-Mar-19 22:22:48

Agree with everyone else.
Nothing wrong with asking if he'd managed to have a bit of a rest or if he'd had a nice day, but if you are in constant pain, and right on edge, then unfortunately the "What have you done with the day" could be interpreted as being a bit accusatory.

C0untDucku1a Sun 24-Mar-19 22:28:14

His reaction is weird. Like he is doing something he shouldnt be doing. I have a day off in the week. When dh asks me what ive done today sometimes i reply ‘school runs, walk the dog and watched dynasty. Been very busy.’ Some weeks i dont stop being actually busy with dealing with aging parents and grandma on that day. His reaction is ott.

But yes, change the question.

PurpleDaisies Sun 24-Mar-19 22:30:08

His reaction is weird. Like he is doing something he shouldnt be doing.

It’s more likely that given his chronic pain, he’s frustrated that he hasn’t been able to do anything. I hated being asked that when I was unwell for a long while.

gamerchick Sun 24-Mar-19 22:30:26

How was your day might sound better.

slipperywhensparticus Sun 24-Mar-19 22:31:59

It doesn't sound bad to me confused

IncrediblySadToo Sun 24-Mar-19 22:34:41

When you have chronic pain it is incredibly fucking annoying to be asked ‘what have you done today’. It’s frustrating enough not achieveing what others do without having to justify the use of your time. You know he needs to rest, why make him say ‘I rested because my chronic pain exhausts me’ ...week in, week out?

TwitterQueen1 Sun 24-Mar-19 22:47:24

Yes, I think you are.
If you're in chronic pain and need to rest, it's very frustrating to be asked what you 'did' with your day. Maybe he felt that all he could manage to do was sit and rest and then he got resentful because he'd actually love to be doing other things but can't....

Reminds of a work situation - I was married, 3 young DC. Single London-living woman used to come in and demand that we all told what exciting things we'd done with our weekends. It was like a test you had to pass.....

Pinkbells Sun 24-Mar-19 22:50:16

If he was in pain, and ended up just loafing about because he didn't feel able to do much, then he might snap a reply because he was frustrated he didn't get to do what he wanted to do. Maybe phrasing the same question better next time might help?

Skittlesss Sun 24-Mar-19 22:50:26

I think it sounds fine if that’s how you normally talk.

I totally get his situation as well as I have chronic pain too and know I can be really grumpy/snappy when it gets too much to cope with.

AnneOfCleanTables Sun 24-Mar-19 22:51:02

I agree with PPs. It sounds like you want a report of achievements. I have chronic pain. On a bad day, my achievements will be resting and taking painkillers. They're not 'interesting' activities to discuss with a partner.

GuineaPiglet345 Sun 24-Mar-19 22:54:27

I think it’s a perfectly normal question, he could’ve said something along the lines of actually my pain was really bad today so I didn’t do anything except lie on the sofa or he could’ve told you what the kids did at his mums, it’s just chit chat really, nothing to get upset about.

nocoolnamesleft Sun 24-Mar-19 22:55:12

Sounds rather accusatory to me, too.

BeanTownNancy Sun 24-Mar-19 22:55:59

I don't think you were being unreasonable. If I asked my husband what he did with his day off, he would tell me which video games he sat on his arse and played without taking offense or getting defensive - everyone deserves some lazy time. I don't think there was anything necessarily wrong with what you said, but if your husband has read subtext into it then I think it would be best to apologise for upsetting him and explain that you just wanted to hear about his day, then take it on board and maybe try wording it differently next time now you know he is sensitive about it.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 24-Mar-19 22:56:25

It is a poorly worded question. 'Do with' implies 'use well' or 'waste', spending well or squandering time.

Even without the pain, I used to find it irritating, when other people looked after baby dd, if they asked what I was planning to do with my time / had done, in a way that, even subtly or unintentionally, seemed to imply that, as they had 'gifted me the time', I owed them an account of my use of it (so not a gift, an exchange of sorts). I was always deliberately non-committal, feeling it wasn't up to them to judge the worthiness of my pursuits, in my free time.

PurpleDaisies Sun 24-Mar-19 22:56:56

If I asked my husband what he did with his day off, he would tell me which video games he sat on his arse and played without taking offense or getting defensive - everyone deserves some lazy time

It isn’t “lazy time” if you’ve got s chronic illness and you physically can’t do anything more.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Sun 24-Mar-19 23:00:46

I get upset by that wording of question because on a bad day the answer is nothing except what it takes to stay alive (it took me an hour the other day to make 2 rolls to eat) and even that is forced, I am terribly ashamed that is the answer to that question.

Having someone ask that forces me to admit that shame out loud to someone and it's worse if it's my partner because I don't want them to see me like that even though he knows and wouldn't judge, admitting it means I judge myself, I feel inadequate and think he would be far better off without me dragging down his life.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney Sun 24-Mar-19 23:09:51

I agree with PPs, try "how have you been today?". Sounds kinder.

MitziK Sun 24-Mar-19 23:17:17

I am in chronic pain.

If I were to ask DP what he did with his day, it would be because I had the bollock ache about something that happened at work and was pissed off that the washing up from the night before was still festering in a bowl of cold water and there was no sign he'd done anything but lounge around watching YouTube all day.

Needless to say, I don't ask him about his day unless I'm spoiling for the chance to take my bad mood/pain out on him. Which isn't fair and never has the desired effect, so I will ask how his day was instead, which stops him clamming up and me from launching into psychobitch mode.

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