Occasionally when we have an argument I end up shouting. However usually it’s because I’ve asked nicely to no avail so many times. Then my partner tells me I’m unreasonable for shouting and that little things shouldn’t bother me so much. The culmination of these ‘little things’ end up feeling like one huge ball of frustration!
Really difficult to know without knowing what the "little things" are.
Some - maybe he is right, and they are just things you should let go. Others - maybe you are right to insist there are some changes.
Personally I don't think shouting helps. I'm not going to do something because someone has shouted at me - they'd have a much better chance of getting me to make changes if they could calmly explain why it is important.
OP I understand completely! You ask over and over again and noone listens until you loose your shit and then "why didn't you say anything".
You aren't shouting because of the small things that are asking for, you are shouting because you are being disrespected and ignored.
A little more context:
I’ve written up a short task calendar on the fridge, three each to be done over the week agreed upon in advance to save arguments. I still had to continually ask my partner to take the bins out despite doing mine every day, to the point the kitchen was starting to smell and they were over flowing (I’m not going to do his for him as then he’ll expect it) he finally did them. This is one of the things I may ask for his help with, then on Sunday I snapped- we were supposed to be going out for a family day and he insisted I help him tidy up immediately, which is frustrating because whenever I ask him he says no but expects me to push back plans on a Sunday to collaborate with him - I don’t get such easy collaboration?! By Sunday I wanted to get out of the house a do something fun as a family. Long term it’s great if we block out time to do some tidying together for sure on a weeken, but I feel like it’s his way out of having to do his fair share- I do a bit of tidying/ cleaning everyday! (We have mountains of stuff in the hallway he’s been meaning to take to work for weeks, heaps of paper work on the dining table which we haven’t been able to use for six months, cupboards full of his gadgets, also every time he comes home he dumps more stuff on the side or spills food all over the coffee table and doesn’t clean it ever).
How would you suggest getting him to help a bit more, asking nicely is met with ‘I don’t like being told what to do, just let it slide or you never used to care so much’ but before I had our baby I wasn’t home so much and didn’t do so much housework so it didn’t anger me so much!
This sounds like a passive aggressive power struggle on his part, OP.
He marks territory by leaving his stuff all over it. He doesn’t do his chores on time as it sounds like he resents them, or sees the rota as you trying to order him about.
Is it possible he sees all household chores as women’s work, and won’t demean himself by doing a fair share?
I think you need either a serious talk with him or couples counselling, and he needs a reality check.
@backforgood I try to calmly reason with him. For example I asked him to dish up his food in the kitchen not bring the six takeaway trays into the living room. He said it was too late he’s already bringing them and he wanted to show me the food he’d ordered a few nights ago. I said I don’t like you dishing food up there as every morning there is food left on the surfaces which I then have to clean and polish (he never does this) similarly he doesn’t like to use plates in the kitchen so leaves crumbs everywhere. To this he said I needed to drop it and he’s not taking them back to the kitchen as he’s brought them now and that he’d clear up after. This would be great but the amount of times I’ve asked him to put takeaway rubbish In the bin and he forgets means I didn't trust this. I didn’t shout but just went and sat in another room all evening as I feel like I’m looking after a teenager.
He does suggest I’m trying to order it about and his father does believe housework is women’s work. Apparently men need 1.for you to have sex with them 2. To be fed 3. To be left alone. We spoke about counselling he said he doesn’t want to pay for it (I’m on maternity leave) and he can afford it before you ask. He suggested we buy some books instead - I’ve done this, I’ve finished one and started another. He’s read zero.
Sounds quite a lot like he believes them too
Is it unreasonable to not want him to bring every tray onto the coffee table and dish it out from there. He says it’s controlling? Am I being controlling?
The only thing you are trying to control is the amount of work he’s making for you.
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