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To think I am just a failure at life...

(12 Posts)
NooNooHead1981 Sun 24-Mar-19 17:44:01

I know this will sound a very depressing post, but I am really at my wits’ end with some of the issues in my life, and I truly don’t know how to get past them.

I have a drug induced involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia caused by taking a first generation typical antipsychotic drug called Pericyazine in 2015. This was prescribed to me after I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome, and I had a severe mental breakdown. The movement disorder isn’t currently curable or easily treated, and the movements / tics in my tongue, mouth and other body parts cause me social anxiety a lot of the time. I’m currently not working as I have a 10 month old son, but my parents are helping out financially and I’m hoping to eventually get back into freelance writing (which is something I did before I had my head injury.)

I have been positive and tried to live as ‘normal’ life as possible for 3.5 years with this condition. My head injury was supposedly ‘mild’, and my movement disorder is also classed as ‘mild’, yet I feel like I have been cursed to live for the next 30 odd years as someone who is not living the life that they envisaged for themselves.sad

I count my blessings every day, am grateful for my beautiful DC, amazing supportive family and DH, yet I am really so very depressed at the hand I have been dealt with. I’m currently trying to be positive about some new symptoms that seem to be emerging - called oculogyric crisis, where my eyes move on their own and feel like they are popping out of their sockets - and it is hard not knowing how my condition may or may not progress. My psychiatrist says that if it hasn’t gone completely in 3-5 years, it is likely to be permanent.

I know there are others out there who have things a lot worse. I guess it is really just a culmination of a lot of difficult times I have been through, including the death of my DB from cancer at 35, an ectopic pregnancy, and losing my job, that have been a lot to get through.

I feel so alone sometimes. I’m sorry to sound so miserable but it is something that makes me so sad and angry as the condition was avoidable.

scaredoflabour Sun 24-Mar-19 17:58:24

Sorry you're having such a rough time op.
You sound like you are being incredibly positive despite it all and that makes you anything but a failure! flowers

Helplessfeeling Sun 24-Mar-19 18:04:28

I don' think you are a failure, you did not chose this! I hope you can overcome it and get back into writing again. Is it therapeutic for you to write as a hobby in the meantime? Try and enjoy your time with your DC and see how things are in a few months. I hope things get better for you.

NooNooHead1981 Sun 24-Mar-19 18:10:02

Thank you both for your kind replies. I’m trying my best to see things in a positive light every day. I do really hope my condition improves over the years, and having my DC are such a blessing - I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. Here’s to a healthier life in the next few months.smile

Nothininmenoggin Sun 24-Mar-19 18:10:48

Sorry for how you are feeling op. You do not sound like a failure at all but someone who has been dealt a rough deal and is trying to cope with life as it is now. Glad to hear you have support from your husband and family and of course having a baby to care for always occupies time and mind. Are there any support groups for people with your condition even on line someone that understands what your are feeling? Maybe your GP could offer you counselling to talk through your feelings with a trained councellor just to talk and try to find some answers. Maybe there are others who are going through worse but right here right now it's what you feel and what you are going through. I really hope you find some support/ help to help you through this. Remember you are NOT a failure, life can be cruel sometimes and we are all survivors trying to get through our own "troubles" be them big or small.

Ragnarthe Sun 24-Mar-19 18:21:34

You are not a failure.
You have been through/are still going through a hard time.
I think feeling down about what has happened to you is totally understandable and normal.
I second a pp suggestion about finding a support group so you can talk to others who understand how you are feeling. Sometimes knowing that you are not alone can really help.
I'm sorry you have had to deal with so much. Please remember that you have a family that loves you. Loving and being loved is what matters most in the world and you sound like you are winning at that flowers

Nothininmenoggin Sun 24-Mar-19 18:27:27

Ragnarthe So true being loved and giving love makes you a winner for sure.

IncrediblySadToo Sun 24-Mar-19 18:30:23

((((Hug))))

That’s a really awful thing to have to try to come to terms with. The Drs have made a mild issue into a huge one. Is the anyway you could claim medical negligence. I know it won’t ohysically help you, but it might alleviate the financial worry a bit. Same with any benefits you could claim.

I understand sad and angry, you sound a LOT more positive than I’m sure I could be, but I really don’t understand why you feel like you’ve failed life. YOU didn’t do this, the Drs did. YOU didn’t take recreational drugs or do anything reckless. You are doing your best to cope with some bloody awful things happening to your body, you’re courageous not a failure 🌷

stressedoutpa Sun 24-Mar-19 18:41:42

Crikey, that is all so much to have to deal with. I am not surprised you feel down.

On a day to day basis, what are you doing for yourself? Can you introduce little things that help you feel better? Hot chocolate at a nice cafe, lunch with a friend, a walk in the woods looking at the bluebells, watching clips on YouTube (Mock the Week always makes me laugh), etc.

I was feeling miserable and grumpy the other day after a not particularly great day at work. I reluctantly went to yoga but felt so much better after. Could you try yoga or tai chi to help with your symptoms? Or anything holistic (massage, reiki, hypnotherapy, aromatherapy, etc.).

In your position, I think I would just keep trying things and see what works and what helps to make you feel better. As I've got older, I've found that environments, people and activities can have immediate effect on me (both negatively and positively). I just try to keep moving towards the positive.

NooNooHead1981 Sun 24-Mar-19 19:03:02

Thank you again all. 💖 I do try and do little positives every day, treating myself to a hot choc, going to the park, trying to get a lie in with 2 DC... 😂

I have tried the medical negligence route but no solicitor will touch the case as it is impossible to prove there was negligence involved. As the antipsychotic was prescribed during a time of acute distress, it would be seen as being the best course of action at the time, therefore I would not have a leg to stand on unfortunately. 😳

I’m sure things will be ok eventually. I’m at peace in some ways with what happened to me, as I don’t think it is productive to be angry all the time.

NooNooHead1981 Sun 24-Mar-19 19:07:14

I’m also part of a lot of online support groups that are incredibly helpful. I’m very grateful for the friends and support i have from these. It is very upsetting though to see how many have been harmed by medication that was meant to help them though.sad

lljkk Sun 24-Mar-19 19:15:33

How can you be a failure by getting a health condition thru no fault of your own? Come on. Makes no sense.

Life dealt you a rough hand. You can be annoyed about that but it's not your fault nor makes you a failure. How do Alison Lapper & Maysoon Zayid keep their spirits up? There's a way. You'll find it. You're not alone.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=buRLc2eWGPQ

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