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Would this annoy you?

(27 Posts)
MamaBear8686 Sun 24-Mar-19 16:34:37

I apologise in advance as I know how petty this might sound but just need an outsider perspective.

Been with dp for two years, mostly very happy. Before me he had a partner of about 5 years. I have known him a long time in a platonic sense and had him on my fb for many years before we got together so I used to see the gushy posts he would write about his then partner. Really over the top lovey dovey stuff that seemed even then completely out of character as he's quite hard faced in real life lol. Since being together he's never written a thing about me. No photos, no gushy posts. I realise how tragic it sounds but I just wonder why he was willing to shout about her from the rooftops and not me? He doesn't use fb all that much and when I once broached the issue (very badly after a few too many wines) he basically said he's a different person now which leads me to think she maybe egged him on to write it?

Also she's been a cow about us even though they'd been split a fair while before we got together. I'm a bit younger than him and I know she's gossiped and mocked our relationship as a 'joke'. It really pissed me off but dp made nothing of it. It's like nothing bad can be said about her. In one way I guess it's a good thing as men who slag off their partners mercilessly are always a bit of a red flag to me but I sometimes would have expected more support.

I guess what I'm worried about is if he's still hung up on her or did he prefer her to me. From what I can gather about her she's not a particularly nice person and wasn't all that nice to him when they were together but I just can't shake off the fb comments about her being 'the love of his life' and all that.

Am I being an idiot? I don't want to bring it up as an issue because as I mentioned I am younger and don't want to look immature. Fb isn't real life but I guess I just worry about what it signifies...

HarrysOwl Sun 24-Mar-19 16:37:47

He doesn't use fb all that much and when I once broached the issue (very badly after a few too many wines) he basically said he's a different person now

There's your answer.

RhymingRabbit Sun 24-Mar-19 16:39:35

Why did they separate? I think this would affect how I felt about it. If she left then I would probably be a bit concerned that he was still hung up on her. If he left her I would trust him.

Also how old is he? At 21 I reckon people are more likely to profess love on Facebook. At 28 ... Not so much.

nauseous5000 Sun 24-Mar-19 16:39:39

My guess is it signifies nothing, though it would secretly bother me too. He's rightly realised that being gushy doesn't indicate long term relationship success. I remember my mum telling me when I was about ten and incandescent on her behalf that my dad had forgotten their anniversary, that in general most of the gushy couples she knew were very unhappy/ had already divorced. She said that feeling secure in your relationship is the actual prize. That's stick with me for 25 years. So I'm not sure if that helps or not, but clearly Facebook gushing didn't lead to a successful relationship for him last time. If he's worth it I couldn't get too upset about it!

MamaBear8686 Sun 24-Mar-19 16:39:54

@HarrysOwl I hope it's as simple as that, I am terrible for reading too much into situations sometimes 🤦🏻‍♀️

MamaBear8686 Sun 24-Mar-19 16:42:10

@RhymingRabbit from what I know their split was mutual although given how bitter and unpleasant she's been about us I almost think it was just probably more him. But again I don't want to delve too much as it's not really great to want to know every last detail about a previous relationship - even though I'm personally quite open about these things

FriarTuck Sun 24-Mar-19 16:42:25

I guess I just worry about what it signifies
That he's no longer with a partner who tells him what to write on FB to make her look good.

Hoplittlebunnies Sun 24-Mar-19 16:44:01

My DH is the same. You wouldn't know to look at his Facebook that he has a wife or young son....scroll back 10 years and you'll find plenty of posts about ex and their DS.

It used to bother me a lot. But I know our relationship is happy and that he dotes on our son just as much as he does his older son. I think he just no longer feels pressured to make these public statements, and we are secure enough in our relationship to not need to do that (not saying that those who DO do it or want to do it are insecure, of course).

starzig Sun 24-Mar-19 16:44:05

Get off social media. Looking for validation through Facebook will never lead to anything good. Your real life relationship is more important.

hazeydays14 Sun 24-Mar-19 16:45:17

Personally, the people I see gushing about how in love they are on social media are usually not in the best relationships and are trying to cover it up.

He may have matured since then too. When some of my ‘memories’ come up on FB I cringe at some of my statuses from 5 or more years ago grin

As long as he’s treating you right and not giving you other reasons to doubt his feelings for you/that he has no feelings for her then I’d try not to let it bother me.

whywhywhy6 Sun 24-Mar-19 17:07:46

I agree with the other posters. Get off Facebook. It’s the devil.

Myoldtable Sun 24-Mar-19 17:18:45

I don’t think you have anything to worry about. He probably felt he had to write that stuff on f/b when he was with her to keep her happy. You have been together 2 years. She is probably jealous

MamaBear8686 Sun 24-Mar-19 17:20:30

Thanks all. I was expecting a kicking about being silly and childish lol. Social media is definitely nothing but trouble. So easy to see something on there and believe it's real when it could have a load of other meanings behind it. I must say though I'm in my mid thirties and still see people my age constantly gushing about their lives and relationships. It doesn't seem to be something everyone grows out of

Sparklesocks Sun 24-Mar-19 17:29:04

She may have pushed him to write those posts or guilted him into it, or maybe he thought that’s what he ‘should’ be posting as he thought that’s what you’re meant to do in a relationship, or maybe they were struggling behind closed doors and it was an attempt to show everyone (and him) that all was fine. I’ve noticed a few couples post a flurry of social media activity just before they break up, it’s like a ditch effort to push things to be ok.

He’s with you now, and he shouldn’t need to post on fb to prove how he feels as long as he’s vocal about it with you.

MamaBear8686 Sun 24-Mar-19 17:36:49

@Sparklesocks He is very vocal about it and although we have our differences sometimes I do feel like he treats me very well. I just have a lot of insecurity issues and I tend to read far too much into things. It's really helpful to get outsider opinions and try and get some perspective smile

LL83 Sun 24-Mar-19 17:40:49

People gushing about their partner on Facebook are rarely the happiest ones.

She mocked your age because she was hurt at the time, that was unfair and silly but it was a long time ago, forget about ex and concentrate on your relationship now. If it's good be happy, if there is stuff to work on then work on it. Previous relationship is not relevant to you now.

JustHereForThePooStories Sun 24-Mar-19 17:48:26

I’m not on FB anymore, but I used to see occasionally gushing posts from the husband of a couple I knew had a terrible marriage. Turns out the wife was writing them, logged-on as him. He let her- it was a battle he didn’t pick.

LottieLou90 Sun 24-Mar-19 18:02:56

My DH and I aren’t friends on Facebook (I VERY rarely go on there)

I hate Facebook for this reason. Puts thoughts in your head etc.

As PP have said, I think it shows a lot. Just because it’s not ‘Facebook official’ doesn’t mean he doesn’t love and care about you.

Nothininmenoggin Sun 24-Mar-19 18:23:13

I'm not on FB never will be it causes so many arguements, not worth the hassle. I think your partner gave you the answer in that he is a different person now. If FB never existed this wouldn't even be an issue. Social media can be toxic don't let it spoil your relationship.

Eliza9917 Sun 24-Mar-19 19:02:12

I always think that ppl who gush all over FB have serious issues within their relationships.

user1493413286 Sun 24-Mar-19 19:07:20

I can see why it bothered you initially and I’d probably have felt the same but I often notice a similar thing on Facebook of people professing their love then separating then having a new partner they don’t say much about. Maybe it’s because when it’s not quite right they have to reassure themselves by publicising their love almost like if they can convince everyone wise they can convince themselves. The other option is that he’s a bit embarrassed by it; also he’s got older and more mature.

boosterrooster Sun 24-Mar-19 19:12:21

Yeah I'd accept what he said about being a different person now. I cringe at the crap I used to post on FB years ago! Wouldn't dream of posting stuff like that now...I'd say your DH is probably the same

GreatDuckCookery6211 Sun 24-Mar-19 19:15:40

I would divorce DH if he wrote mushy ott shite on FB! Seriously I take a dim view on anyone who does that, what’s the point? Just to prove to FB friends how fab your relationship is!

Be happy he’s changed OP.

Alsbals Sun 24-Mar-19 19:25:12

He wrote gushy posts about a woman he’s no longer with - I’d say the reason he doesn’t do it now is that he’s probably quite embarrassed about ever writing stuff like that on Facebook about a now EX.

Personally, I think gushy posts on Facebook are ridiculous and I really don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone who posted stuff like that. If she did leave him, maybe that’s a reason why 🤷🏽‍♀️

MamaBear8686 Sun 24-Mar-19 19:35:32

@Alsbals I don't think she'd leave him over it as from what I can see she's another one of these people who posts ridiculous crap on there....another fb curse is the temptation to stalk people you know you shouldn't.

I hate over the top cringey posts too and I would never want or demand that he writes stuff like that about us. It's just the fact that he did it for someone else. What's the difference? As many have suggested it could have been a way of trying to prove a failing relationship was better than it actually was or perhaps that he's grown up and now realises it was stupid and pointless.

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