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To feel jealous and left out?

(43 Posts)
Rspu1384 Sun 24-Mar-19 14:41:15

Probably being childish so if I am please say so.
I’ve been with my oh 8 nearly 9 years, I used to be quite close together mother in law but since my ohs brother married and had a child she does t really want to know anymore. We have no children and she was on about it for years asking when we were going to have one (we have infertility and due to start ivf next year) she doesn’t know about any of it and we have just said we don’t want any yet.
Since my sil has had a baby they do everything together and it’s all my mil talks about, I find it very hard to be around pregnant ladies/newborns/children. I’ve wanted to be a mom for so long.
They get invited round for dinner every Friday evening and Sunday but me and my oh don’t get asked?! Or my ohs other brother and his wife don’t get asked either ( their also childless)
I actually feel jealous and bitter about it, am I being unreasonable? I kind of feel like I should t give a shit because what kind of woman only wants to know her son if they have a child for her to play nanny to ?

AliceLiddel Sun 24-Mar-19 14:47:53

its extremely sad and YANBU to be jealous. What a shitty way to treat someone. Giving her the benefit of the doubt she may just be over excited and it may pass. However youve seen her true colours and I would distance yourself from her.

Rspu1384 Sun 24-Mar-19 14:51:41

Thankyou!
Yes it really has shown me her true colours tbh. I’m not all innocent though for why we stopped being close. I started avoiding family gatherings and stopped going to see mil because I found it too hard and upsetting to see or talk about pregnant sil.
I’ve actually thought to myself now even if me and dh do have a baby next year through ivf, I probably would still keep my distance, I don’t want to be only spoken to because I’ve given her a grandchild.

Expressedways Sun 24-Mar-19 15:02:24

Could your husband have confined in her about your fertility struggles and as a result she is seeing her daughter and granddaughter without the wider family because she knows you’d find it hard to be around a new baby? Or it could be that she’s simply closer to her daughter than her sons. As the invite isn’t extended to your BIL you’re not being excluded as such. I’m also not sure what you want, would you want to be invited too even though you’d find it hard to be around the new baby? Or would like a separate invite for just you and DH to go round for dinner? If so then can you DH not just speak to his mother...

I also wish you the best of luck for IVF.

Happygolucky009 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:08:02

"I started avoiding family gatherings and stopped going to see mil because I found it too hard and upsetting to see or talk about pregnant sil. " seems you are equally accountable, you get out what you put in. Of course your mil is going to be excited, she craved a grandchild and have been less than honest about your fertility issues . Infertility is hard with no guarantee of success, start living for today, be honest with your family and stop cutting yourself off and learn to be a good auntie in practice for being a good mum.

Rspu1384 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:15:50

I know I’m not making much sense.
I did stop going round and made my excuses for other things. But before my sil ( who is my ohs brothers wife btw) was pregnant my mil didn’t actually make any effort with her as much, ( they clashed a bit i think) but as soon as sil announced her pregnancy I noticed my mil also didn’t talk to me as much. It didn’t start to bother me until we all went for a meal and my sil was heavily pregnant and my fil made a horrible comment about me and oh not having any children, I was so upset I couldn’t finish my dinner and I said I was I’ll all of a sudden and went home. I think it’s caused some sort of anxiety around all of them as I know feel like I’m having a panic attack whenever I even hear my oh talk about them in conversation.
I went around mils house after thst and all she talked about was sil and the baby. I then said to myself I’m not making myself
Go around there because why should I?.
Ever since she’s been pregnant they’ve been invited around for dinner 2 times a week and before that we were all invited 🤷🏻‍♀️Just feels
Like we are now pushed out because we don’t have any children.

DoneLikeAKipper Sun 24-Mar-19 15:20:11

seems you are equally accountable, you get out what you put in. Of course your mil is going to be excited, she craved a grandchild and have been less than honest about your fertility issues . Infertility is hard with no guarantee of success, start living for today, be honest with your family and stop cutting yourself off and learn to be a good auntie in practice for being a good mum.

What a cruel and ignorant thing to say. Be a good aunt in practice of the child they may never have? The op doesn’t owe anyone an explanation on her fertility, doesn’t mean MiL should show obvious favouritism now she has the ‘much wanted grandchildren’ (which must be extra hurtful to the op).

Stargazer888 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:20:33

I'm infertile so I get why this is so hard. On the other hand she has no idea about any of the struggles you've gone through. You want to be close to her but you haven't let her in either.

I think she is probably just excited to be a grandmother. I don't think she is only speaking to the other brother and sil because of this but it does change the dynamics. It's a new and exciting time for her as well.

Go easy on yourself I know how hard all of this is. I would suggest you go easy on her as well. She doesn't know about your situation and she's just excited.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 24-Mar-19 15:20:45

* It didn’t start to bother me until we all went for a meal and my sil was heavily pregnant and my fil made a horrible comment about me and oh not having any children, I was so upset I couldn’t finish my dinner and I said I was I’ll all of a sudden and went home. I think it’s caused some sort of anxiety around all of them as I know feel like I’m having a panic attack whenever I even hear my oh talk about them in conversation.*

This is why you aren't invited.

Rspu1384 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:22:51

Thankyou @donelikeakipper

Poppylizzyrose Sun 24-Mar-19 15:25:47

If they don’t know about your issues they don’t know they’re being insensitive 🤷🏼‍♀️

My sister has fertility problems and struggles (we both have Polycystic ovaries) she’s now in her 50s and has resigned that she will never have children naturally. She took my pregnacy amazingly, I was nervous but she was brilliant. Ended up being my birth partner and is 100 percent there for my dd whose 4 months now.

She didn’t avoid me or stay away from my baby. It’s very difficult but you’re starting your treatment. Try and move past how you feel and be happy for mil and sil.

It could very well happen for you and you wouldn’t like it if close friend or relative avoided you and ignored a baby. A friend of mine never bothers with my dd, and tries to see me without her and it’s quite hurtful.

Try and see things from the other side too.
Wish you the best of luck xx

Rspu1384 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:27:15

I feel like I can’t tell them as I’m worried she will tell ohs brothers and he doesn’t want anyone to know. The only person he is ok with me to talk about it to is my mom, Tbh I don’t raally want anyone else to know it’s a personal issue for us and I wouldn’t want the added pressure of anyone asking about the ivf and telling me it will work as people that have never had to have ivf just think it’s a miracle cure for infertility and it’s not.
I think it’s lovely she is the way she is with her grandchild she seems like a great nan and I understand she is excited. It just hurts me that we have been kind of left out.

Rspu1384 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:30:32

I understand what your saying poppylizzyrose but just because your sister has been able to cope well doesn’t mean other people going through infertility should too.
It’s been an extremely difficult and heartbreaking time in my life.
I can’t avoid people that are pregnant/ with babies forever but I have two nieces and have them every other week for sleepovers and didn’t feel any jealousy towards my own sister.
I think maybe I am just being unreasonable and just feeling extra jealous/bitter about it this week

Boysey45 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:30:38

Leave them to it for good, its horrible, surely you want to know someone for themselves not just because they have had a child.
What does your husband say about them?
Also it doesn't take much to guess thatyou might be having fertility problems as most married couples do want children. Its so insensitive of them.

Stargazer888 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:30:42

I have to disagree with @poppy. It's ok to keep your distance. It's ok to protect yourself. I don't do baby showers. I have one beautiful boy through adoption. I have lost one biological baby. I don't go around to friends after the baby is born I take a bit of space. It's ok to take care of your emotional health. Boundaries are great.
But yes recognizing other people's joy is not really about you is good too. Their happiness is not a reflection on you or me or anyone. It's ok to take your space, but it's important to not connect the issues.

ErickBroch Sun 24-Mar-19 15:33:02

This is sad, I feel like if you were honest about how you WANT to have a baby but are struggling, the situation would be very different. I understand you don't want to talk about it, but unless people know what is going on they can't be sympathetic or more understanding about it. Hope you manage to fix things and good luck with IVF!!

Rspu1384 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:34:32

@Boysey54 exactly!
Even if the ivf does work And I don’t feel the way I do now anymore, I think I will always remember how left out I have felt and I don’t think I will forget it either even if we do have a child.
I think it will impact future closeness/relationship with mil as I know she is only “best friends” now with sil because of her having a child.
My mom would invite all of her children and partners not just the couple with a child every week.

Preggosaurus9 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:37:13

To be fair without telling MIL the real reason for your reaction/emotion she is going to assume something else is going on. If you had told her the truth from day 1 she may well have treated you differently. You would have been able to talk to her about it and get support. Instead you cut yourself off.

I often see the advice for infertility is to cut oneself off from family and friends, especially when there are babies around. But I don't really follow the logic. If it was a different health problem the advice would be to talk about it so you could be supported.

I think it's never too late to tell the truth, it sounds like you and MIL did get on before all this kicked off.

QueenEhlana Sun 24-Mar-19 15:39:16

Yes, it's really hard on you. But look at it from their point of view. You've told them that you don't want children. When grandchildren is something she wants very much, that immediately puts a barrier between her and you. You haven't given her the opportunity to be understanding at all. She just thinks you want to be childfree.

Of course being childfree is a choice which you would be free to make, but its clearly not one your DMIL can understand. Children mean a lot to her.

You can't have it all ways. With the privacy and secrecy comes the misinterpretation of you and your desires.

I'm really sorry you're facing infertility, but your DH's pride is what is causing the distance between you and his family.

Rspu1384 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:41:05

I think a lot of people who haven’t been through any infertility problems, don’t understand or now what to say when someone confides in them.
My oh is worried his mother won’t understand and will just fob it off and she probably
Would say something insensitive without meaning too and then she would probably tell ohs dad.
I just don’t understand why she is like this?
Do other grandmothers only invite their children/partners over because they have children?
Is it normal to do that?

Preggosaurus9 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:41:59

Re MIL seemingly obsessed with SIL. It's the GC she's after! Totally normal for a GP. My DB was the golden child all through my life until I had a DC. Suddenly DM wants to move to the same town and see DC every week. Can only wonder how sad DB is now he is literally second best. DM still dgaf about me though! Just wants to stay on my good side so she can have access to DC. So please don't make assumptions about SIL's feelings or enjoyment of MIL's sudden interest!

Preggosaurus9 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:43:53

DH insecurities - well so what if she says something insensitive? That's on her. And what's the big deal about his dad knowing?

You're the one suffering from this, all for the sake of being afraid of what someone might say?

Rspu1384 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:47:08

Another example of this is when my mil sil there husbands went to London before Christmas for shopping, me and oh didn’t get invited nor did his other brother and his wife.
It bothered me as I saw the fb photos oh a heavily pregnant sil holding a baby blanket with mil, please don’t get me wrong it was a nice photo and to see them so happy, but the pang of jealousy made me upset ( I haven’t told anyone about this) then to find out in the last few days they get invited every week for dinner too.
I appreciate all of your replies and I do actually feel a little better as of course I know she shares a different bond/relationship with sil and her son because of her grandchild and I’m sure she would be the same if it was me and my oh. It’s just changed my view of her completely tbh 🙁.

Rspu1384 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:49:09

My oh is the one with the issue for our infertility. Not that that’s the point, because we are both infertile in my eyes and in this together. Fil is vile and has got a nasty tongue.

Stargazer888 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:56:10

Of course people will say insensitive things. We all do. But I think it's unfair not to tell her and expect her to mind read. You have stopped going to family get togethers in order to have space from the baby. That is totally fine. But it's not fair to then blame the inlaws for not seeing you more. It's seems mil can't win.
You need a support network. The fact your oh has said you can only tell your mom is huge issue. I didn't tell the world but I told family and close friends. The self imposed isolation is not healthy.
Her enthusiasm for her first grandchild is normal and healthy and perfectly fine.

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