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To be pissed off about my goat curry?

(90 Posts)
Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 11:04:25

In laws are visiting. We live abroad.

On Thursday and Friday, I made several trips to various shops to buy ingredients for a Thai massaman mutton (goat) curry, which is one of DH’s favourite dishes and something I know his parents eat (they’re Asian). Spent a long time pounding spices, doing curry paste, trimming and marinating the meat last night. Everyone knew I was making goat curry for dinner tonight. It’s a slow dish and takes hours to cook.

Today I spent the whole day driving DD to a birthday party and back. Came home at 4pm and immediately started cooking.

While I was ferrying DD around, DH, in laws and DS had lunch and pigged out at an all you can eat buffet.

At 6pm, everyone announced they had eaten too much at lunch and they don’t want any dinner.

AIBU to think this is quite rude considering they all knew what the plan was for tonight? I’m still cooking it, we can have it reheated tomorrow night, but it won’t be as nice reheated.

Disclaimer: I know this isn’t the biggest problem in the world. I’m just curious to know if others also think it’s inconsiderate, or am I being too sensitive (AF and easily irritated).

endofthelinefinally Sun 24-Mar-19 11:07:49

They are inconsiderate, but IME, curry tastes better the next day.
You won't have to cook tomorrow so tell them you are so tired from all your hard work that they can do all the child care/ferrying/reheating curry.

Durrt Sun 24-Mar-19 11:08:27

Did they know your plans with the goat curry? (Pressumably yes?)

YANBU. Shockingly rude!

I'd be livid after all that effort.

HavelockVetinari Sun 24-Mar-19 11:09:53

YANBU, they are dreadfully rude (DH included) angry

comedycentral Sun 24-Mar-19 11:11:26

So rude. That's the last meal you cook them during this visit. DH can do the rest. You are not there to serve them.

EmeraldShamrock Sun 24-Mar-19 11:12:07

Yanbu to be annoyed, You can relax today, tell DH to dish out the food.

FuckertyBoo Sun 24-Mar-19 11:12:31

That is rude of them.

But curry does taste better the next day ime too smile. As long as it isn’t going to waste.

AwdBovril Sun 24-Mar-19 11:12:42

YANBU. They were very inconsiderate. You will obviously be tired today after spending so long cooking & cannot possibly run around after the DCs all day, how lucky they're around to help.

ABoozedMoose Sun 24-Mar-19 11:16:36

Rude and inconsiderate yes, but I agree that it'll taste even better the next day. Sounds gorgeous - send me some!

woollyheart Sun 24-Mar-19 11:18:15

YABU to say that curry won't be as good re-heated. In my experience, it is always much better.

They were not very considerate. But they may not have realised how full they would be after lunch!

They will enjoy the curry more tomorrow. Forgive them and enjoy yourself.

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 11:21:37

Thank you 💐. I think DH feels bad, but he is pathologically unable to admit being in the wrong. Luckily he has some good qualities. Cooking, sadly, isn’t one of them. He’d make water stick to a pan.

In laws have offered no apologies. Hmm, maybe that’s where DH got his ways from?

BinaryStar Sun 24-Mar-19 11:24:52

That was rude of them

EntirelyAnonymised Sun 24-Mar-19 11:26:21

Mutton is an older sheep, not a goat, no?

Ninkaninus Sun 24-Mar-19 11:27:11

What on Earth do you mean, it won’t be as nice reheated? Everyone knows curry is much improved by sitting for at least a day after you’ve cooked it!

But yes, your DH in particular was rude and inconsiderate.

I’d make sure not to make any big effort for him or them again when they visit. I can’t stand it when people take hard work and effort like that for granted.

EntirelyAnonymised Sun 24-Mar-19 11:27:49

But yes, your IL’s were rude to eat such a large late lunch knowing that there were plans for dinner and effort had been made for it.

JaneEyre07 Sun 24-Mar-19 11:30:21

Curry does taste far better the next day but they were all incredibly rude.

I wouldn't make the effort again.

ReggieWoo Sun 24-Mar-19 11:30:35

Rude. But it'll be better today.

Obviously they don't get any though.

MonstranceClock Sun 24-Mar-19 11:30:39

Im one of those horrible people that would do what the PiL did sorry! I can see form your point of view though why its annoying.

Eliza9917 Sun 24-Mar-19 11:31:52

I’m still cooking it, we can have it reheated tomorrow night, but it won’t be as nice reheated

Curries, stews, soups etc always better the next day.

I sometimes make stuff like that the day before we want to eat it because it tastes better that way.

EntirelyAnonymised Sun 24-Mar-19 11:32:09

Sorry, ignore my question re sheep vs goat. I’ve just googled and learned that ‘mutton’ is used to describe goat meat in SE Asia. Every day’s a school day! smile

Ninkaninus Sun 24-Mar-19 11:32:22

I seriously would be pissed off with my OH if he ever did this to me. And I’m serious, I wouldn’t go to any effort on meals for the rest of their visit. He can sort things out.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 24-Mar-19 11:34:47

I think DH feels bad, but he is pathologically unable to admit being in the wrong.

Oh you need to stamp on that. If he's got a nonsense macho attitude then it's sometimes quite simple.

'I can see you feel bad about this - just to say I would find it so much easier to respect you if you were able to say that. Being unable to admit you are wrong is not attractive - you come over as very insecure and unsure of yourself. It's a little pathetic.'

PregnantSea Sun 24-Mar-19 11:35:42

YANBU. Very rude of them.

lisasimpsonssaxophone Sun 24-Mar-19 11:37:13

Ooooh a boyfriend of mine did this many years ago and I was livid! We had a romantic evening planned at my flat while all my flat mates were away, and I’d spent all afternoon lovingly preparing a complicated home-made dinner. He turned up having spent the afternoon in the pub where he’d ‘got a bit peckish’ and eaten a burger and chips, leaving him too full to eat anything when he got to mine sad

I got over it after a while and we just enjoyed the food for lunch the next day but I can still remember how disappointed I was!

Agree that you shouldn’t lift a finger today and make him serve the reheated curry for you!

Arowana Sun 24-Mar-19 11:41:00

YANBU at all. The food will be just as tasty tomorrow, but it's the principle of the thing - you planned a nice meal and worked hard on it and it has been spoilt. They were inconsiderate.

AnnaMagnani Sun 24-Mar-19 11:43:30

It was incredibly rude -- but it will actually taste better heated up--

RevealTheLegend Sun 24-Mar-19 11:44:04

I think I would take that as permission to never bother shopping or cooking for them again.

Just stare blankly at H and ask him what he has planned. Every time.

BertrandRussell Sun 24-Mar-19 11:45:43

Thoughtless at best- very ill mannered at worst.

But it will be nicer today and you have a cooking free day.

Incidentally, your dp can cook. Anyone capable of holding down a job and reading can cook. He just doesn’t want to. Get that fixed pronto, before your children start thinking it’s normal!

AnnaMagnani Sun 24-Mar-19 11:46:22

It's at times like this I always think 'What would my mother do?'

Because in this case the answer would be throw curry at husband's head.

killpop Sun 24-Mar-19 11:46:34

Is the goat really relevant here? Are you (or they?) goat-est?

woollyheart Sun 24-Mar-19 11:47:24

Forget about the curry!

Maybe what you need to concentrate is convincing DH that is is more manly and acceptable to offer a gracious apology in these circumstances.

With no apology, they have been inconsiderate bur have made the situation far worse by not apologising.

Make it your goal to teach him this. And next time this happens, he can teach them how it is done, and you can reward him with a lovely smile instead of a scowl!

Whoops75 Sun 24-Mar-19 11:47:30

This is definitely rude, I would blame dh.
He saw your efforts and still suggested/ agreed to the buffet.
Next time they visit I wouldn’t cook.

DilliDingDillyDong Sun 24-Mar-19 11:51:20

My sympathy lies purely with the poor goat.

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 11:51:51

@killpop Is the goat really relevant here?

Only to the extent it’s hard to source goat meat, it’s expensive and a ‘special occasion’ kind of dish.

DilliDingDillyDong Sun 24-Mar-19 11:52:23

...but yes, they were damn rude.

justforthisnow Sun 24-Mar-19 11:54:56

They were very rude.
Totally missing the point, but is it ever called goat curry? Did I dream I saw that on tv?

justforthisnow Sun 24-Mar-19 11:55:19

Ah sorry, ignore
It is!

C8H10N4O2 Sun 24-Mar-19 12:01:24

I*ncidentally, your dp can cook. Anyone capable of holding down a job and reading can cook. He just doesn’t want to. Get that fixed pronto, before your children start thinking it’s normal!*


Get DS cooking and sharing tasks around the house before he picks up the same ways. Otherwise in years to come you could be reading a future partner write about their DH who makes water stick to the pan grin

C8H10N4O2 Sun 24-Mar-19 12:02:18

with apologies for broken bolding.

JenniferJareau Sun 24-Mar-19 12:04:09

I agree, it sounds like your DH is very much like his parents.

Unfortunately some people can't help themselves when they see an all you can eat buffet. All self control goes out the window and they pig out until fully stuffed!

Curry does taste much better the next day though.

Oysterbabe Sun 24-Mar-19 12:05:28

Utter bastards, they don't deserve the curry. You'd best send it to me.

HopefullyAnonymous Sun 24-Mar-19 12:07:12

YABU to ruin any kind of curry with goat 🤢

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 12:09:02

DS loves cooking, so that’s not an issue.

And I agree DH could cook, he just doesn’t enjoy it, doesn’t feel confident in the kitchen so it takes him ages. I enjoy it, I don’t resent it normally, but I resent cooking if no one wants to eat.

diddl Sun 24-Mar-19 12:13:45

What have you & your daughter eaten today?

Will you still be having the curry?

It's not a waste in that it will be eaten at some point, but it's so thoughtless of them.

Whose idea was it to pig out at lunch knowing that a cooked meal had been prepared for later?

Skittlesandbeer Sun 24-Mar-19 12:19:09

Say nothing. Freeze the whole thing, and let them all fend for themselves tomorrow ‘since they’re all so full’. A bit of cheese on toast will do them no harm at all.

And feel free to spend most of the day elsewhere, eating whatever suits you. Not in a sulky strop, just cos you ‘forgot you had plans’. It happens, right?

Mmmmbrekkie Sun 24-Mar-19 12:19:59

It’s a odd one

They didn’t ask for goat curry
You decided to do it. Nice of you, but it was your decision.

They were hungry and fancied all you can eat. So they did it. It didn’t fit in with your plan but it fitted it in with them.

LizzieMacQueen Sun 24-Mar-19 12:21:29

Their mistake (which they should apologise for IMO) was choosing a restaurant with an 'all you can eat' option. It is very difficult NOT to pig out at one of those.

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 12:23:00

The curry will be eaten tomorrow. I just need to find a way to store it in my tiny fridge.

I’m happy to have humus and crackers for dinner tonight.

DD and DS had tuna pasta bake for dinner - I’m not sure they’ll like the curry so had made PB as a back up for them.

DH has now, unprompted, said sorry!

AnnaMagnani Sun 24-Mar-19 12:23:43

They didn't ask for the goat curry.

However the DH was presumably aware for 3 days that goat curry was on the cards and had plenty of opportunity to say 'no thanks, does fit with plans, it's too much hassle for you'

When he was out and hungry he also had the opportunity to remind everyone 'don't eat too much, Manikoutai has spent 3 days preparing our fave meal this evening'.

Instead he took everyone to an all you can eat buffet.

Italiangreyhound Sun 24-Mar-19 12:31:52

Very rude of them. But the curry may improve overnight.

Next time they come, your dh does the cooing, I suggest, and/or ferries people about!

SuchAToDo Sun 24-Mar-19 12:33:42

Can you put the it in Tupperware and put in the freezer and reheat the next day so none of it is wasted?

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 12:37:33

@Italiangreyhound Next time they come, your dh does the cooing, I suggest, and/or ferries people about!

Nooo! Then DH will spend all day in the kitchen (or order pizza every night). And if HE ferries kids around, that means I need to entertain the in laws. <shudders>

The current system works fine - so long as people eat what I cook 👩‍🍳

mummabubs Sun 24-Mar-19 12:40:28

Can I just say I feel for you OP. This has happened with my in-laws too, to the point of them not even having over-eaten beforehand but just openly saying they'd rather get a takeaway despite knowing I was cooking and had bought stuff. They're not intentionally rude, just blessed with zilcho tact sometimes.

The only solace I'd take is that as others have said, curry tastes amazing the next day. I'd be peeved with your DH for not having said about holding off on the food front. In fact maybe just have that amazing massaman all to yourself!

Italiangreyhound Sun 24-Mar-19 12:40:54

Manikoutai I love goat, I would eat it!

Ohtherewearethen Sun 24-Mar-19 12:42:36

Did any of them think you might be hungry after all that cooking and rushing around with the children and bring some food back for you? Or did you have to then sort out something else for yourself so there would be enough left for everyone tomorrow?
I'd be really cross about this, I find it really selfish. Not recognising the effort and time and thought that went into it and apologising was just rude and disrespectful.

SheeshazAZ09 Sun 24-Mar-19 12:47:32

Very rude behaviour. I once was expecting a dinner guest--it had been arranged long in advance--and spent hours cooking the meal. He cancelled by phone a few minutes before he was due to arrive as he had received another invitation that he clearly preferred. Appalling manners. The dinner mostly went to waste and needless to say I did not ever invite him again.

Birdie6 Sun 24-Mar-19 12:48:39

but it won’t be as nice reheated

Definitely not ! it will be far better the second day - I always do curry the day before we're going to eat it, the flavours become so much more delicious ! Your inlaws will be impressed !.

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 12:57:32

@Ohtherewearethen, I don’t think anyone thought about that. It’s not a big deal, I could have had pasta bake with the kids but I didn’t mind a light dinner. It’s not like I’ve starved myself to feed the family!

The curry is now cooked, it tastes great and is cooling down. Thanks to everyone for reminding me it’ll still be edible tomorrow.

HennyPennyHorror Sun 24-Mar-19 12:57:49

FIL always does this. Arrives for a pre-planned meal and announces he's eaten a sandwich.

WHY!?? I'm an excellent bloody cook! It's RUDE!

MorelloKisses Sun 24-Mar-19 12:59:46

I always thought that it was referred to as curried goat and goat curry was somehow wrong/rude. No idea why.

[misses point]

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 13:00:56

I thought curried goat was the Caribbean dish - but no idea why!

Oysterbabe Sun 24-Mar-19 13:01:43

I always thought that it was referred to as curried goat and goat curry was somehow wrong/rude

I think that's in the Caribbean? I might be wrong.

PCohle Sun 24-Mar-19 13:02:13

My DH doesn't cook much and I think it sometimes leads him to underestimate the amount of work that goes into having a lovely dinner on the table (night after fecking night).

It's great that your DH has apologised - I'm sure your curry will be lovely tomorrow!

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap Sun 24-Mar-19 13:02:42

Absolutely agree with @FizzyGreenWater at 11.34 - get him telt!!

JessieMcJessie Sun 24-Mar-19 13:03:20

I’m really surprised that you sound like such an amazing cook yet didn’t think it would be edible or even nice tomorrow! Slow cooked dishes like this most definitely improve with a bit of time and it will be at peak deliciousness tomorrow! What made you think otherwise?

But to answer your question, yes, they were all phenomenally rude, I can’t fathom how 3 adults who all knew what effort you were going to could not have thought it was rude to just cancel dinner. (Unless they secretly wanted to eat the more delicious version tomorrow and it was all a cunning plan? smile)

Roomba Sun 24-Mar-19 13:05:16

I made loads of massaman curry the other week and whilst it was delicious, it was loads better reheated the next day!

Moominfan Sun 24-Mar-19 13:06:50

Very inconsiderate of them op. I'd take lovingly prepared home cooked food over buffet any fats

Moominfan Sun 24-Mar-19 13:07:04

*day that should say

Moominfan Sun 24-Mar-19 13:07:47

Curry goat is also a Caribbean dish.

MrsTommyBanks Sun 24-Mar-19 13:08:08

I really want goat curry now.

Yes it was very rude. I'm glad he said sorry.

cuppycakey Sun 24-Mar-19 13:21:01

I love goat curry/curried goat smile

YANBU - I would refuse to cook for the rest of their trip to be honest.

DailyMailFail101 Sun 24-Mar-19 13:22:12

This happened to me once too, my in laws had been invited for dinner they came and told me they didn’t want anything to eat because they had a late pub lunch, I was seething and still am seven years later so I understand why your annoyed!

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 13:23:18

@JessieMcJessie, thank you but I’m far from an amazing cook. I haven’t done this dish in a while and due to having the tiniest fridge, we don’t do leftovers as often as I’d like.

I always worry about the meat getting tough and the potatoes disintegrating, but on a low heat it should be fine tomorrow I’m sure.

Or maybe I was just subconsciously looking for a reason to be miserable about my curry?

Ninkaninus Sun 24-Mar-19 13:29:37

It only needs gentle heating tomorrow, and it shouldn’t make the meat tough or the potatoes disintegrate.

It’ll be delicious!

JessieMcJessie Sun 24-Mar-19 13:30:16

The meat won’t toughen up again once it’s got soft from long slow cooking, but you should make sure that the meat is all submerged in the sauce to stop it drying out. and you’re not cooking it when serving the next day, just reheating, so the potatoes won’t be cooking for significantly longer.

StrawberrySquash Sun 24-Mar-19 13:35:38

I would find this massively frustrating if they knew. Yes, it's rude.
My only mitigating circumstances question would be are they the sort of people who also spend time, money and evergy doing what you did in making the curry? Do they understand why you are then invested in it? I love to entertain and put the effort in. Not everyone does and I have learnt that sometimes people don't get that. And it's easy to forget as the guest.
Still rude though.

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 14:31:53

Oh no, they both cook a lot and they know how much effort is involved. And they were there while I was doing the curry paste and prepping the meat, so they knew all about it.

Maybe they prefer reheated curry 😁

Ninkaninus Sun 24-Mar-19 14:39:57

Well in that case they were all equally rude and thoughtless.

I’d ask them all every day from now on, shall I bother to cook for everyone or are you just going to fuck off out to stuff yourselves?

I really would...

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 14:54:49

@Ninkaninus, I think this would play straight into MIL’s hand. She LOVES behind miserable. Rolls into her own misery any chance she gets. She’d be able to go home and tell everyone I didn’t look after them at all. Then refuse to visit for years, cutting her nose to spite her face. She secretly loves it here, but it would kill her to admit it. Bless her.

I’d much rather not show I’m annoyed, and act all breezy about it. I bet it drives her nuts.

And yes, I know this sounds insane.

diddl Sun 24-Mar-19 15:06:09

" She’d be able to go home and tell everyone I didn’t look after them at all. Then refuse to visit for years,"

It's expected that they are looked after then-& by you not their son?

Would you care if they didn't visit for years?

They're sounder ruder with each post!

GreatDuckCookery6211 Sun 24-Mar-19 15:22:27

That would give me the rage OP. What were they thinking?

Ninkaninus Sun 24-Mar-19 15:23:34

I think I’d be quite happy if I didn’t have to see her for years, she sounds challenging. Can’t abide people like that.

Changes things a bit though.

I’d go overboard cooking lovely things and if everyone else doesn’t fancy it I’d sit myself down, set a nice place with a candle and some flowers and a glass of wine, and really enjoy it. Make sure to say every two minutes, are you sure you don’t want any? Such a shame, it’s lovely, goodness me it’s nice to sit and relax and enjoy this, etc etc.

Sweetness and light and breeziness is definitely the right way to go!

Your DH needs to man up though. He doesn’t need to play into the stupid and irritating narrative!

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 15:26:41

@diddl, I would care for my children. My parents are dead, and I want my kids to have some relationship with their remaining GPs.

Yes MIL is very rude, I could make a long list of rude things she’s said to me, including telling me I looked awful on my wedding day, berating me for flying while pregnant to be at my father’s bedside when he was dying, etc.

DH has a very distant relationship with his parents, but he is an only son and family is important. I don’t want to go through life feeling eternally offended.

iLs are also extremely generous, they love their grandchildren, and I know deep down they don’t hate me or act out of spite; they just don’t always show good manners. We all have flaws.

altiara Sun 24-Mar-19 15:30:08

I’d freeze the curry and save it for another time!

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 15:31:47

Posted too soon! What I mean is that they’re socially awkward. It’s difficult to explain, and part of it is a matter of cultural barrier. They have also been through a lot (war, political upheaval, caste issues etc). I think MIL has a very strong martyr complex and is emotionally stunted. She’s also an elderly and frail lady who has achieved fantastic things in her life. I’m not going to change her now.

Manikoutai Sun 24-Mar-19 15:34:42

Although I wish they would have at least said ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ after my mother passed away a few months ago. 🤨

TanselleTooTall Sun 24-Mar-19 15:37:07

You sound very patieny and forgiving. flowers

PCohle Sun 24-Mar-19 15:42:00

You sound lovely OP.

I will channel your patience next time my MIL is annoying me.

diddl Sun 24-Mar-19 15:47:17

Tbh if MIL is rude & your husband distant with them I wouldn't be breaking myself to keep the relationship going.

If he is distant with the then is family only important as far as appearances go?

JessieMcJessie Sun 24-Mar-19 16:43:11

Gosh, their lack of care for you and your losses is horrible. I’d have expected more compassion from a culture that values family highly, but presumably the flying while pregnant objection was that you were “endangering” their blood grandchild, who took precedence over your own father. My parents are both dead too and I have a young DS so I empathise with your wish for your DC to have grandparents on the scene. Sorry for your losses.

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