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Not to go to in laws today

(51 Posts)
Bluewall Sun 24-Mar-19 07:51:17

Will i look like a moody cow if i send DH to his mum and dads today with the kids and i stay at home ?

Generally get on well with my in laws. They live close by so see us fairly regularly. SIL also lives close by and they see SIL and her DC a lot. Again I get on fairly well with SIL but she drives us mad as she is lazy and either sends her DC to stay with her parents or goes over their for the day / dinner mist days so her parents will entertain her DC . This could be a whole other thread but is the main reason thry are all annoying me a but at the moment.

We have 3 kids and busy lives and I feel I woukd appreciate even a 10th of the help that is given to SIL.

We have been so busy lately and again this weekend the older DC have had parties and sports clubs yesterday and sports clubs this morning. I had plans to try and get some household jobs done this afternoon but last night MIL asked us to come over or invited herself, FIL, SIL and Her DC over to ours. I got a bit annoyed and told DH I don't want them all here for me to entertain and I have things I want to get done so he is going to take the big 2 over and I will stay home with the toddler napping.

I don't normally do this so do you think it will make it look like I am being awkward and rude or is it fine to say I'm busy doing things in the house ?

RibenaMonsoon Sun 24-Mar-19 07:56:21

Sounds like she tried to arrange it all a bit last minute. For that reason I wouldn't say you were BU.
You may have had plans and weren't able to go at all. Sounds like a good compromise if you and DH are happy with it.

Maybe just apologise to Mil and say you already had plans so it alleviates you worrying about coming across as rude.

Bluewall Sun 24-Mar-19 08:03:50

I will have the toddler at home sleeping with me so can't really say I'm doing much else. That is why she invited them all over here if we didn't go later. So need to tell them I will just be at home cleaning etc (which is what i will be doing btw although I may also have a peaceful half hour with a cup of tea !!!)

Hahaha88 Sun 24-Mar-19 08:04:52

I sometimes send my OH on his own to my in laws. Though we do see them weekly. I don't think it's a big deal. Just tell oh to say you have things to do. Heck I'd tell him to take toddler too!

Princessmushroom Sun 24-Mar-19 08:06:14

It sounds like you want permission to not go, but you’re a grown up, you can 100% not go! Have the house to yourself and get your jobs done. Or watch Netflix, I’m not gonna judge.

Iloveacurry Sun 24-Mar-19 08:08:14

Stay at home and let DH go with the kids. You’ve got bits to catch up on.

GuineaPiglet345 Sun 24-Mar-19 08:09:31

She didn’t give you much choice there, did she? To be honest in your situation I would’ve probably said that I already had plan to go somewhere on Sunday afternoon but my in laws don’t take a hint and they would come round to ours every Sunday if we let them and there’s no way I’m spending one of my precious 2 days off entertaining them.

hidinginthenightgarden Sun 24-Mar-19 08:10:48

I often go to see my parents without DH. I take the kids and catch up with my parents and he does whatever he wants.

FudgeBrownie2019 Sun 24-Mar-19 08:12:06

DH sees his Mum sometimes on her own. She does this often, where she'll expect us to drop everything and spend hours over there, then plays up if I don't. It's fine to duck out, it's fine to not dance to her tune.

Chilledout11 Sun 24-Mar-19 08:12:07

I often let dh go with the dc to in laws. I get on well with my in laws but sometimes you just need time. I tend to do the lions share of housework and have a busy noisy job and dc on my own a lot of the time. So I don't feel guilty.

Just enjoy your day

Di11y Sun 24-Mar-19 08:13:45

could you not send a travel cot and the toddler?

Sillybonkers Sun 24-Mar-19 08:18:11

If sounds like you are scared of what they think of you.

If you dont want to go, don’t go! You’re a grown woman!

I do not understand this MN obsession with “they’re faaaamily” so you have to do what they say and feel guilt when you don’t. They’re famiky so they should understand when you’ve had enough and want some time off!

BlueMerchant Sun 24-Mar-19 08:18:59

It's fine. I would also send the toddler. Tell mil you are getting jobs done in the house then having some time to yourself.

KC225 Sun 24-Mar-19 08:19:11

I don't often to to my MILs - I don't like her and when I am there she talks over me in the language she and DH share. I sell it on the 'You go, have some quality time together, catch up. I have plenty to do here'

It does sound as if you have been very busy, so you don't need to make any excuses. Stay behind, catch up I would do but I would send the toddler with them.

Enjoy OP

Bluewall Sun 24-Mar-19 08:23:31

Oldest DC doesn't get home from his sports club with DH until after youngest goes for his nap otherwise I would send him to. He is a good napper and will sleep for a few hours. Life is so hectic with all their different schedules at the moment which is why I really wanted to catch up on stuff today. TBH I would rather DH was here to help too as the big DC could either play in the garden or have screen time while we both got on with stuff.

I feel a bit better about saying i can't go thanks. DH hasn't actually said I'm not going I was just going to let him say it when he arrives ........ is that bad? She isn't making us lunch or dinner so it shouldn't cause a problem .

madeyemoodysmum Sun 24-Mar-19 08:23:41

Yep dh often goes with out me.
If I want to go I do but if I’m busy I won’t. No guilt there.
Same with my parents.

MissClareRemembers Sun 24-Mar-19 08:24:18

It’s absolutely fine to do this.

Will this be the first time you haven’t gone along? If so, be prepared for comment!

I once sent DH and the DCs off to my in laws for 3 days. I’d never ‘missed’ a visit before. I’d stayed behind to decorate the DC’s room (much needed). Ever since there have been comments from MIL such as “you know that park we all went to...oh wait, were you with us that time MissClare?”


Bringbackthestripes Sun 24-Mar-19 08:25:50

My DH often drives the 2 hrs to PIL himself. I’ve long given up caring what they think. It’s not that I don’t like them, I just have no desire to sit in a smoke fill hothouse with their yapping dog jumping on my knee. He tells them I’m doing this or that.

If you are concerned with what they think just get him to say toddler has a bit of a temp and may be coming down with something so you are keeping DC home for a nap. Enjoy your peaceful day.

Bluerussian Sun 24-Mar-19 08:28:56

You don't have to go if you don't want to. A little time to yourself will be good for you, I'm sure your husband and in laws will understand. You can always have a headache (not that I am advocating lying).

HerculePoirotsGreyCells Sun 24-Mar-19 08:29:39

My in laws live quite a way away. Sometimes I wouldn't join DH on a trip to visit them just because I needed a break. When our baby for small, he would sometimes take him too. I was glad to catch up on sleep and other stuff. My PIL are lovely people and quite understood. Obviously I went other times and enjoyed that too. So if you feel you need some time, then go for it especially as they live close.

CuriousaboutSamphire Sun 24-Mar-19 08:31:22

So it's not a family meal it's just a roll call?

Stay home, let your DH deal with his mum!

ginghamtablecloths Sun 24-Mar-19 08:32:40

Just say that you've had an 'unusually busy week and need to wind down/recover and look forward to seeing her another time when things have quietened down and hope that she understands'.
I think that's tactful but make sure you do go next time so she doesn't get upset.

Ragwort Sun 24-Mar-19 08:33:33

Of course it’s fine, it’s a bit sad that you seem to be so worried about it? Are you frightened of other people’s reactions. My DH & I frequently see ‘our own’ side of the family separately - we are not all joined at the hip.

It’s fine (& healthy) to do things independently.

Probably the polite thing to do if you’ve always visited together would be to phone (not text) & thank them for the invite but say you need to stay at home to catch up on things, say it it a breezy, confident manner.

I know my parents enjoy seeing me own without always having to see me with my DH, & I would probably feel the same about my own DS when/if he has a partner.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Sun 24-Mar-19 08:38:34

Why are you worried? It’s short notice and it’s fine to send DH on his own.

I don’t understand why the SIL was mentioned here though. Is she the real reason why you don’t want to go?

Flaverings Sun 24-Mar-19 08:39:06

Of course it’s fine, it’s a bit sad that you seem to be so worried about it? ... My DH & I frequently see ‘our own’ side of the family separately...

This is pretty much how I feel. It's one of life's pleasures packing everyone off to the in-laws and having some space. I always think that it's a win-win-win for everyone involved.

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