To lose my shit alllll the time with DD(10)?(29 Posts)
I mean - I seem to literally be on her case allll the time - I'm sick of the sound of my own voice nagging - I'm turning into my mother
But I'm sick of constantly picking up after her, clearing up, putting away, making her bed - just to get it done. However, the last few weeks I've thought "sod it" - i work very long hours and am a single parent - she needs to do these things for herself, but how can they just walk over a pair of shoes, not bring cups down, leave toothpaste all over the sink, not get bags ready for school!! It's driving me mad!!!!!!!
Tell me that it suddenly clicks, and that they suddenly start "thinking"!!!?? Please....?
nope sorry it doesn't !
I do know we're your coming from, I've tried and tried ....and still nowhere 🤷🏻♀️..sorry to put a dampener here
Is there some sort of punishment/reward system in place?
When I was that age my brother and I had a chore rota and were also expected to clean up after ourselves. We stuck to it
because my mum was really scary because we knew there were consequences to not doing so.
She's 10. That sounds completely age appropriate.
Stop fighting about things which in the big scheme of things don't matter - bed making.
Food and drink stays in the kitchen.
A big tidy up together at some point in the day.
Also make sure you say 3 nice things for every nag. That helps change your mindset, as it means you have to actively start looking for good things.
Go and do something with her she likes. Focus on the positives and let the small stuff go.
10 is still little.
I have very low expectations of what I expect DD1 to contribute in terms of chores, because my standards are pretty relaxed. I am becoming increasingly convinced this is saving me a lot of heartache.
Chore chart, pocket money as reward.
Closed door to bedroom for about 6 years, so as not to see mess. She knew she had to pick up floor for cleaners once a week.
Now she is 22 and spent last night clearing out her wardrobe with 6 bags to the charity bin. Total Marie Kondo on her room.
You will survive this.
Thanks all - interesting because I half expected to get flamed for doing it all for her, but you've all made me actually think that maybe I am expecting too much. I do live a tidy home - always have- but I suppose I need to find a balance between teaching her independence, but not sweating the small stuff!
It would just be really nice to not have to keep stepping over dirty knickers
Ds(11) started improving when I stopped myself nagging and started doing the ' It'd be great if you could..' really calmly and just talking. It drives me nuts but the more I keep calm the more it works and then praising and praising and now he's actually kind of beginning to do stuff himself. Not 100 percent but definitely getting better ( sorry)
Another one saying you need fewer rules. And don't sweat the small stuff.
Why does she need to make the bed? I assume you have a duvet? It's better to try to air beds so we've never, ever 'made' them. At 10 I don't think you should be telling her off for all these things - toothpaste over the sink?
I had (still have) 3 children so my house was never tidy. It was calm though.
Leave her be. Nagging and shouting doesn't teach anyone independence. A joint "let's have a 10 minute tidy up" every day is more than enough.
It does change, but not for another approximately 8 years or so! If anything it gets worse before it gets better.
I think take the same approach that you would with a toddler. Pick your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff. Once you've selected the most important issues to address stick with it, keep nagging, don't become her servant. Always praise more than you nag.
I would leave anything involving her bedroom e.g. the bed. She's the one sleeping in it, if she doesn't want to make it, so what?
I would insist on shoes being put away and knickers picked up from communal areas (if they're on her bedroom floor, so what? If she wants to live in a pile of dirty pants that's her choice!).
Situation slightly different because dniece is only with us once a week, but we found a combination of chore chart, rewards and not sweating the small stuff has helped enormously. (though perhaps it's just because she's a bit older now that things are improving). I tried to keep my nagging for things that impacted on us, like dirty knickers lying on the bathroom floor, or half eaten biscuits abandoned on the sofa and to ignore the things that only impacted on her, like making her bed properly or keeping her drawers tidy. (I did draw the line though at her making her bed with used sanpro carefully tucked under the pillow... She hasn't repeated that thankfully). Her elder sister was just as bad at that age, but is now really tidy, so there is hope.
Just a warning, but you will get two kinds of posts:
a) people screaming at you "WHY are you doing this for her? WHY haven't you taught her? What sort of mother are you? You are pathetic!!"
b) people screaming at you "She is a TINY CHILD living in a single parent family, she is traumatized and in pain by family upheaval, she didn'T ask to live in a tidy house--that is YOUR standards. You are an evil mother!!"
Meanwhile, in the real world---a) it is very easy to get into the habit of picking up after children when they are tiny and not easy to get out of it as they get older b) 10 is not tiny, and she is old enough to be putting things away and not leaving dirty knickers on the floor.
A chart is the only thing that works (kind of!) for us.
It would just be really nice to not have to keep stepping over dirty knickers
DDs 14 and 16 - still stepping!!
My next goal/vision is when the move out
Don't let your daughter's abiding memory of her childhood be of her mother constantly chipping away at her. Your job is to build her self esteem and educate her and help her to grow & develope - not to lose your shit at her all the time.
I feel your pain did (same age) left her cardigan that she decided was dirty on the floor strewn right by the wash basket
Then I said something that sounded just like my mum (who I love) and she sounded like me
Instead of a punishment/reward system, try a timetable with set tasks. You can pass it off as 'treating her like an adult' and 'taking adult responsibility' which she cant really argue with
It might not ever click. I’m 32 and it still hasn’t
Dirty clothes, not in the wash basket they don't get washed...
If her room isn't tidied you will by placing stuff in a black bin bag and into the bin (only had to do it once)
Once she is older removal of phone/WiFi works wonders.
I genuinely don't care about bed made, what she wears etc though.
It's only my youngest that is incredibly messy the older 3 were naturally tidier.
If I’d been a kid and had to endure all that grief about arbitrary rules that don’t matter a shit in the mind of a 10 year old I’d have been planning to leave in 8 years and never come back. For goodness sake chill out and prioritise your daughter over a tidy house.
I should probably be getting my kids to do these things, I do them all myself, not because I think I should but because I always have and not got out of the habit of it!
I have three allegedly adult children (of four) still at home..plus two of their partners, and it's still a battle!
You have to chill.. unmade beds do NOT matter. Nor does a bit of mess. Figure out the one thing that annoys you the most and ask her to do that..and praise her when she does it..knickers in the basket or whatever.
But don't battle over every little thing. In a few years..or sooner.you will have teen hormones to deal with and if you are fighting now , it will be SO much worse.
Toothpaste round the sink, small things... just wipe it if it bothers you but really let it go !
I really really wish that I had insisted all food stays in the kitchen, and drinks. She will only notice the toothpaste if she is responsible for cleaning the bathroom. Show her what’s needed at least twice with a fairly clean bathroom, then make pocket money contingent upon it.ask her to strip her bed at the frequency you approximate, and to bring her washing down. Have a set time every week when the house stuff gets done followed by something you like together, and don’t go on about any of it ever. It’s important for kids to learn the nittygritty, but awful if it becomes about shaming .
Sit down with her and come up with a daily list then all you do is ask ‘have you done everything in your list?’
Daily list includes things like
Make your bed
Do your hw/reading
Put dirty clothes in basket
Put clean clothes away
Clear your floor
Get clothes ready for tomorrow
Get schoolbag ready
Do one chore to help out
Print it out and stick it up in her room.
When it’s done every day, it’s not much.
There is a lot of benefits for kids doing chores. Some are obvious as in developing skills and becoming independent adults, some are more subtle like boost in self esteem when they’ve completed tasks and giving them them the attitude to be able to muck in and get the job done in the work place as adults.
There are lot of articles about it.
Thanks all - some great tips here. I'm really beginning to think now that I'm going to back off for a while and see if anything has "gone in"! I don't want to be nagging mum, I really don't. But just a bit of respect - that's all -and she's a great kid really! I think I expect too much because she is (normally!) pretty great.
Tomorrow is another day and I'm not even going to mention making the bed
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