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to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

(414 Posts)
EleanorEclipse Sat 23-Mar-19 22:23:35

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

EleanorEclipse Sat 23-Mar-19 22:24:23

And it goes without saying that I'd expect my daughter to pay her way at her auntie's house!

iwantavuvezela Sat 23-Mar-19 22:25:49

You can ask. However, make it clear to your sister that she can say no.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 23-Mar-19 22:26:37

Your daughter is a grown woman. SHE should be the one to ask her aunt if she can rent a room from her. For you to ask would be absurd.

Bookworm01 Sat 23-Mar-19 22:27:02

If DD gets on well with DA, then there is no bar to asking. You sister might say no though, for whatever reason, as is her right.

Thehop Sat 23-Mar-19 22:27:05

I’d definitely ask!

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Sat 23-Mar-19 22:28:26

the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London

How much is the salary?
Our analysts earn 20k and manage to rent/live /go on hols...

44PumpLane Sat 23-Mar-19 22:28:35

You just ask and let her know there is no pressure at all to say yes as clearly its a huge ask.

You also have a conversation with your daughter about boundaries and respect (don't bring people back, don't be late back and noisy etc) because if your sister says yes, although it wpiod be where your daughter is living it wouldn't really truly be her home and she would need to respect that and be willing to live that way also.

Merryoldgoat Sat 23-Mar-19 22:28:39

In your sister’s position I’d be happy for my niece to live with me in theory.

Absolutely fine to ask, just make it clear you’re asking and not expecting.

Can your daughter not afford even a houseshare in a less fashionable part of London?

Japonicaisstillahorsygirl Sat 23-Mar-19 22:28:59

Yes ask her

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Sat 23-Mar-19 22:29:51

Tricky one. If it was my neice, I'd have offered already. But then I am incredibly close to my family. The fact that she hasn't offered, says something. Assuming that she knows about your dd's job offer.
I think it might be awkward. Not everyone wants to live with someone else.

fruitbrewhaha Sat 23-Mar-19 22:30:12

You can certainly ask.

How much has your DD been offered? London is a big place and rent vary massively between areas. Are you sure she couldn't afford somewhere?

JustHereForThePooStories Sat 23-Mar-19 22:30:30

Surely your daughter renting a room with people of a similar age in a houseshare would be an easier option?

I don’t have children. My husband and I live in a hugely expensive city (not in UK), on the same street as a very good university.

I just know that I’m going to face a similar situation in the future when my nieces and nephews are older as several of them have expressed an interest in this university and there’s been a few mentions of “Auntie PooStories’ spare rooms”.

I’ll be saying no.

Still18atheart Sat 23-Mar-19 22:31:11

Yes I would ask her however if your dd is also on good terms with her da then perhaps it would be better if she asked her

WorraLiberty Sat 23-Mar-19 22:31:31

We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.

I'm not sure that has anything to do with it?

You should be thinking about how well she gets on with your adult daughter, as she'd be the one living there, not you.

titchy Sat 23-Mar-19 22:31:32

Most young people starting out in London live in grotty houseshares in down market outer London. I'm sure she can find something she can afford in zone 5 or 6....

Girlundercover Sat 23-Mar-19 22:32:14

Ask for 6 months. If it’s going well then your sister can ask her to stay on.
If your sister has been living alone, 2 years would be a big ask.

OffToBedhampton Sat 23-Mar-19 22:33:11

You can ask, as long as you don't expect.

Your sister is likely very happy living alone in her 4 bedroom house in Ealing, With her own life and friends. Without anyone to disturb her.

Dsis has no problem to solve, so "a perfect solution" only refers to your DD's issue not her aunt. Unless she rents out her rooms normally and is inbetween lodgers.
However Aunt might like to have her niece live with her for a couple years. Prepare yourself that you might not though, if you aren't that close & she's previously not taken an interest.

ComeTheFuck0nBridg3t Sat 23-Mar-19 22:33:48

Definitely ask.

My niece asked me, I said yes (because I thought she was joking!) and then when she got accepted to the college nearby we had another conversation about it.
I spoke to my partner and her parents about it and she’s been here (weekdays only) for almost 2 years.

I’ve loved having her here and she’s done amazingly well!

MajesticWhine Sat 23-Mar-19 22:33:49

Girlundercover makes a very good point. 2 years is a big commitment. Start with the idea of 6 months.

fruitbrewhaha Sat 23-Mar-19 22:34:59

Also, does DD really want to live with your sister?

Maybe it could just be a stop gap while she gets settled in with work and is sure she wants to stay, and completes the probation period etc.

Finding a place to live would be much easier if she is already based in London. She can have a proper scout around and work out her commute. She may even get a lead through work on a house share.

AuntMarch Sat 23-Mar-19 22:35:07

If I was your daughter I'd arrange some viewings of shared rooms over a weekend and ask my aunty if I could possibly stay for that weekend while I looked. If after a weekend your sister thinks she'd be happy to have her around, she'll offer.

anniehm Sat 23-Mar-19 22:37:03

Could she simply tell her aunt about the job offer, an offer of somewhere to stay may be forthcoming!

EleanorEclipse Sat 23-Mar-19 22:41:29

To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house. She likes the location, and thinks it would be a good base for her and she'd enjoy having friends round etc. The idea came from her, although she doesn't see her aunt that much so she asked me to think about it and intercede on her behalf.
I mentioned the job to my sister and her reply was "How lovely! I'll be able to meet her lunch and little shopping trips". I didn't tell her about the rent/salary situation.

Weenurse Sat 23-Mar-19 22:43:24

Doesn’t sound like your sister is up for a house mate

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