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To cut off this family member

(20 Posts)
Februaryblooms Sat 23-Mar-19 20:10:02

My DM has an on/off problem with binge drinking, she also has learning difficulties so does lack capacity to an extent and needs a degree of support with day to day things as if left to her own devices she would be unwittingly reckless and not think of consequences.

She has been doing well recently after i have been helping her with budgeting her money, taking her shopping, ensuring her bills are paid and providing alot of support despite being 8 months pregnant, she hadn't drank in well over a month which is great for her and she was making good progress.

An agreement was made within the family that her sister would stop giving her physical cash, which inevitably gets spent on alcohol.

Her sister has broken her side of the agreement for the fifth time and given her cash which has resulted in mum falling off the wagon and going AWOL.

AIBU to be absolutely livid with her sister and have nothing more to do with her on account that she's enabling a vulnerable person to self sabotage.

I understand DM is an adult but she has learning difficulties, her sister doesn't.

Februaryblooms Sat 23-Mar-19 20:22:40

To elaborate, my DM has the mental age of a child.

tinyme77 Sat 23-Mar-19 20:30:09


Mikeymoo12 Sat 23-Mar-19 20:33:11

Are social services involved? I have no knowledge of this but I don't know if they would be able to put something in place to legally stop her sister doing this? Must be so hard for you 💐

Samind Sat 23-Mar-19 20:41:54

Youve taken a lot on and put in a lot of effort to support your family member. I would feel the exact same way. I don't even know why she would do that given your method has proven to be working.

Februaryblooms Sat 23-Mar-19 20:46:31

No social work involvement unfortunately, I've been my mums unofficial 'carer' since I was 11 in terms of handling her admin and providing support. I'm 25 now with a one year old and am due to give birth to another in a few weeks.

I find the sister to be completely toxic to DM but can't police their relationship as her sister has no regards for her best interests.

I'm exhausted sad

Myyearmytime Sat 23-Mar-19 20:46:59

Do know why your mum sister gives her money ?
Is your mum is assisted living place?

Februaryblooms Sat 23-Mar-19 20:51:52

My mum is in sheltered accommodation for the over 50's although lives independently within her own flat, it's not a place that provides structured support.

My aunt says the reason she gives DM money is because DM 'makes her feel bad' when she doesn't have tobacco so she gives her money for that, then she spends it on alcohol.

Februaryblooms Sat 23-Mar-19 20:53:38

DM can buy tobacco from her own money which is safe in the bank should she wish to do so (I have her bank card with her permission to prevent binges)

There's absolutely no need for her sister to be giving her physical cash whatsoever

Drum2018 Sat 23-Mar-19 20:58:16

I'd go through the sister for a shortcut! Will she still see your mother if you cut contact? It's a tough one as if she is still giving her money then nothing changes. If there was a way of cutting her from seeing your mother it would help a lot.

Februaryblooms Sat 23-Mar-19 21:02:29

In an ideal world DM would stop seeing her but I don't know how to enforce that or if I'm even able to. Would it be immoral to issue DM with an ultimatum under these circumstances?

The pair are close but it's a toxic relationship, my aunt takes advantage of my DM massively. I've posted on here before under an old name about how she bribes DM to do her housework for her, some readers might recognise the back story.

Bookworm4 Sat 23-Mar-19 21:23:32

I think it time to involve SW, this is too much for you to deal with on your own.

Februaryblooms Sat 23-Mar-19 21:52:07

I think you're probably right

Ihatehashtags Sun 24-Mar-19 14:54:30

I think you’d be justified to go no contact. Just wondering how it came to be that your mother has the mental age of a child but has two children? Is your father on the Avery? Does he also have intellectual issues or has your mothers mental age only declines recent? There is no way where I live than an 11 year old would’ve allowed to be responsible for a person. No judgment just interested. I’m in the social services field

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 24-Mar-19 15:03:59

In an ideal world DM would stop seeing her but I don't know how to enforce that or if I'm even able to. Would it be immoral to issue DM with an ultimatum under these circumstances?

you would be the controlling and coercive one.

Unless your DM is under court protection and deemed to have no capacity, even then capacity fluctuates and must be decision specific, she has the ability to make her own choices, that includes bad or unwise choices.

I have difficulty understanding why your DM has no SW or involvement yet is in sheltered accommodation.

Learning difficulty is not the same as a learning disability and your comment mental age of a child - exactly how was this diagnosed, by whom ? I find it difficult to believe someone so impaired was allowed to have two children with no intervention

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad Sun 24-Mar-19 16:05:11

Where do the 'two children' come from..? The sister is DM's - not the OP's..!

DoneLikeAKipper Sun 24-Mar-19 16:11:02

Has SS been involved in the past? How on Earth did your mother, with no real capacity and ‘the mental age of a child’, not have life-long social support?? Especially since she’s had a child, even years ago someone of such low capacity as you describe would have some external support and intervention if they found themselves pregnant.

Februaryblooms Sun 24-Mar-19 21:36:32

We lived with my grandparents until I was 11, otherwise I'd have been in care. When they passed and we moved on we did have social work involvement due to her learning difficulties but they were absolutely shit.

Support went as far as finding a "young carers" group for me to join, and dropping in every so often to make observations but no real help.

As soon as I was 16 we didn't see hide nor hair of them again, she's had no ongoing support.

The sheltered accommodation is for the over 50's, she's not there because of her learning difficulties. Perhaps sheltered accommodation isn't the right term. It's a complex of self contained flats for people over 50.

She can cook, clean etc. but she can hardly read and write, is extremely mentally immature for her age and quite childlike socially.

Februaryblooms Sun 24-Mar-19 21:39:42

She has no diagnosis, and if she was diagnosed with anything before I was born then I haven't been told about it.

I've always known she was what my grandparents referred to as 'slow'

She went to a 'special school' separate to her siblings.

As an adult myself I can absolutely see that she doesn't have the mental age of a grown woman. She's childlike. No idea about diagnosis.

GuineaPiglet345 Sun 24-Mar-19 21:50:44

I remember your previous post about your aunt taking advantage and giving her money then demanding it back so your mum was always in debt to her.

Your aunt sounds awful but if you go no contact with her you risk her taking more advantage of your mum without you finding out about it.

Could you ask the shops where your mum usually buys alcohol not to serve her? Or perhaps get your mums doctor involved and get her a proper diagnosis so you can take steps to get more assistance for your mum?

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