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DP paying for Ex's holiday

(81 Posts)
twentytimes Sat 23-Mar-19 19:02:38

DSD lives with us, her mum has her one day a fortnight. She doesn't pay any maintenance and DP gives her money for when she take dsd out, a lot more than is actually spent on the day out. He used to give her money to buy dsd Christmas and birthday presents as well but she still either ended up with crap or nothing so now he goes out and buys presents himself for Ex to give to dsd.

On top of this every few weeks Ex will ask DP for more money and claim she can't afford the rent or something and he will always give it to her, no matter how much she asks for. Ex and her partner both have good enough job's and could afford to live of their own wages, they could also afford to take dsd out one day every two weeks and buy her presents themselves if they wanted to.

I don't mind when he gives money Ex money to be spent on dsd. Although she doesn't know he does this and is always so pleased whenever her Mum buys her anything or takes her out anywhere. And I'm not sure its in her best interests to be tricked into thinking she has a better Mum than she does and imagine she will be upset when she realises she wouldn't even get a birthday present from her mum if her dad buying it.

Ex was going to be taking dsd away for a week in the summer holidays, DP agreed to pay for wherever they wanted to go. DSD has now decided she doesn't want to go anymore , nothing has been booked and DP hasn't given any money yet but he's said he will still pay for Ex and her partner to go away somewhere as its not their fault DSD has changed her mind.

AIBU to be annoyed by this or to say anything to him about it?
I'm not sure why it bothers me because it doesn't mean we have to struggle or go without something, I just don't get why he wants to fund his Ex's lifestyle and holidays.

Inliverpool1 Sat 23-Mar-19 19:06:32

Is he still sleeping with her ? Seems utterly bizarre as some one who’s ex didn’t even give the kids spending money when I took them on holiday or indeed clothes to wear.

Amy326 Sat 23-Mar-19 19:07:23

I would find this annoying! It’s one thing if they’re taking dsd away but if she’s not even going then why on earth would he pay for their holiday?! Does it not annoy him that his ex doesn’t fund anything at all for her own child even though she has the means?

KitKat1985 Sat 23-Mar-19 19:07:34

That's very weird and I wouldn't be happy about it.

I also thinks he needs to stop giving her so much money in general. If anything since your DP is the resident parent she should be giving him money.

Redshoeblueshoe Sat 23-Mar-19 19:07:42

You have the patience of a saint.
I would make my feelings very clear (this would include a lot of swear words)

CalmdownJanet Sat 23-Mar-19 19:07:43

Ya that would piss me off no end to be honest. I think what he does with the presents is lovely of him but they are totally taking the piss out of him and that would really annoy me

Littleraindrop15 Sat 23-Mar-19 19:08:38

That sounds so dodgy

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sat 23-Mar-19 19:09:06

No I think most people would find it odd. She doesn't contribute anything towards her daughter, but I can see why he wants to pay for days out or gifts if it helps his daughter's relationship with her mum (whether it's the right thing to do or not is another thing). I just can't see any possible reason he would pay for a holiday for his ex if his daughter isn't going - unless it's already been booked and a large deposit paid and they've booked time off or something then he may have a point. If it's just something they've talked about but nothing has been arranged then surely they can sort their own holiday out. I wonder how much of their lazy behaviour is down to always bring bailed out by him

Stormyday Sat 23-Mar-19 19:09:36

Very odd set up. What’s in it for him if his child is not benefiting?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sat 23-Mar-19 19:10:02

Its an odd set up - my first thought if your OH has residency 13/14 that there must be massive safeguarding issues, drugs or alcohol.

TBH if it keeps the relationship sweet for his daughter and its no hardship to him, then it's a nice thing to do.

@InLiverpool1 - really ? why is the default comment on this board always about sex ?

sleepwhenimred Sat 23-Mar-19 19:10:29


She pays nothing for her child, he pays for gifts from her mum and now he's paying for a holiday for them.

Is he normally such a doormat?

Stormyday Sat 23-Mar-19 19:11:28

Is he flash with the cash or something?

HeckyPeck Sat 23-Mar-19 19:12:54

I could understand if they couldn’t afford presents etc, but the both have good jobs!

They’re taking the right piss!

He could be putting that money into a fund for his DD, investments for her future etc.

Fucking weird!

MissMogwai Sat 23-Mar-19 19:14:16

Why on earth would he pay for the mums holiday if the child isn't going? That's absolute bollocks and I would be furious.

I can understand the rest of it but how does it benefit his daughter if his mum goes on holiday??

MegaClutterSlut Sat 23-Mar-19 19:14:26

He's being a right mug and she's completely taking the piss out of him because of it. Not his problem if she can't afford the rent imo especially if dsd lives with you. I find it really weird tbh

Iseewhatyoumeanthistime Sat 23-Mar-19 19:14:49

I've never heard of a set up like this. What are his reasons for funding his ex and her partner's lifestyle? Who both work? (Dont mean buying things for his DD) How long have you been together and why does he think it is ok?

MissMogwai Sat 23-Mar-19 19:14:57

Sorry her mum.

The mind boggles on this one!!

ScruffGin Sat 23-Mar-19 19:16:16

My first thought was that he think she'll go for full custody if he stops giving her the money...

twentytimes Sat 23-Mar-19 19:16:55

There's nothing else suspicious going on for me to even question that they are sleeping together, I really doubt it.

I think he thinks it makes him a good dad. He's never even attempted to get Ex to pay for stuff herself, he just does because he doesnt want dsd to miss out.

Rtmhwales Sat 23-Mar-19 19:19:18

Are you married? Joint finances? Can you say no to this? It's ridiculous.

Xyzzzzz Sat 23-Mar-19 19:20:06

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I would not be happy considering this will not benefit your dsd.

Inliverpool1 Sat 23-Mar-19 19:23:39

Well if he’s not shagging her it’s even more strange. Time for a chat

Whatififall Sat 23-Mar-19 19:24:47

I could understand if dsd was going but not if she is not.

Grumpelstilskin Sat 23-Mar-19 19:25:06

How about you suggest to him instead of giving her money, which is beyond what is obviously spent on your DSD, he should pay it into a saving account to go towards DSD’s future education, first deposit etc. He should focus on paying for his actual current family.

Flowersintheatticconversion Sat 23-Mar-19 19:26:51

I’ve never heard of a set up like this but all I can say is yous must be knee deep in money to give it away like this

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