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AIBU?

Got the baby 24/7

101 replies

MH1975 · 22/03/2019 23:16

So, I have a beautiful 15 week old baby boy who obviously I love to bits and he’s amazing and fortunately a really good baby - sleeps well and not at all whingy etc

However, I have him 24/7 - DP has carried on his life with no change basically
He goes to the gym 5 times a week and tonight for example he went off to the pub
I have absolutely no problem with any of this but he won’t look after DS so that I can do anything?!
I do go out for the odd lunch with friends but always take DS with me
I have a horse which I’m not managing to ride and have to do all the stable jobs etc with DS in tow in his pushchair
Whenever I bring the subject up DP tries to make out that I’m trying to stop him doing stuff - I’m not, I just think we both should be able to do things?!
He reckons he doesn’t want to have him in an evening or weekend as that’s his “chill” time - he does work hard yes, but when am I supposed to get any “chill” time? I’m only asking for an hour here and there!
Bearing in mind the horse is at home so he can soon come out to me if there’s a problem
He’s had him a couple of times but if DS so much as grizzles DP comes out shouting at me and I have to go and get DS so it’s honestly more hassle than it’s worth!
I keep trying to discuss this with DP but he just tries to make it out to be that I’m moaning at him for going out etc which I’m not! Or tries to guilt me and say “that’s your little boy, why don’t u want to look after him”?!
It’s all just so one sided - he’d never put up with it if it was the other way round
Also annoying that it was him that really wanted to have this baby - I’ve already got a 17 yo DD from a previous relationship, so I’ve literally started all over again just as she turned independent!
He is out of order isn’t he??

OP posts:

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Stopandlook · 22/03/2019 23:18

Er yes, he is out of order. I couldn’t have coped with mine 24/7.

What to do about it??

MadeForThis · 22/03/2019 23:19

Totally out of order. Nip it in the bud now.

Don't ask for permission to have some chill time. Tell him you are going out and leave. Tell him not to phone unless it's an emergency.

Has he ever had Ds alone? Is he lacking confidence or just lazy.

Both parents lives change when a baby arrives. Not just yours.

kingfisherblue33 · 22/03/2019 23:20

Yeah, he is a colossal selfish bellend. He needs a good ‘come to Jesus’ talk.

Who the fuck does he think he is? What an arse. Point out the difference in the amount of time you both have for your own things. Turn his comments round on him: ‘that’s your little boy, why don’t you want to look after him?’

Ugh.

Youwanapizzame · 22/03/2019 23:20

Fuck that. Just repeat back to Him "that's your little boy why don't YOU want to look after him." Ok he works but do do you. After he gets home everything should be 50 50

Fucking dick head

AnemoneAnenome · 22/03/2019 23:21

Yes he is, and he needs to stay on the learning curve with looking after the baby or this will go on for years.

I would suggest you use the horse as an excuse to get out of the house little and often, and leave him to it. You need to be working together to get through the evenings and keep your sanity!

Purpleartichoke · 22/03/2019 23:23

You work all day too. You both should equal leisure time in the evening. His responsibilities might skew a bit more towards household and yours a bit more towards baby, but the exact division has to be up to you. Frankly, for every 2 hours he goes to the gym, you should be taking 2 hours for yourself.

MH1975 · 22/03/2019 23:23

Well I work as well - I do all his admin for his business, obviously all the house stuff and run a livery yard with 13 horses!
All with the baby!
I keep trying to discuss it but he constantly makes it into me not wanting him to do anything and that is not my point! So frustrating!!

OP posts:

Purpleartichoke · 22/03/2019 23:25

Your working without child care? He should be taking the baby the second he gets off work. If I was actual prone to violence, I would suggest you smack him upside the head.

MH1975 · 22/03/2019 23:25

Oh and have said “he’s your little boy too” but apparently it’s different as I’m his mum?!
I’m actually really starting to dislike DP - so selfish 😡
Unfortunately this attitude/side to his personality didn’t show prior to the baby 🙄

OP posts:

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 22/03/2019 23:27

I rarely comment but your post made me so angry that I am moved to! What an arsehole.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 22/03/2019 23:29

I wouldn't even discuss it (and I've been there, with a DH who was very similar, and I didn't stamp on it quick enough).

Tomorrow, you just say to him - "I'm popping out to exercise the horse for a couple of hours". Then go and ride!

He can't chase after you. When you get back, just carry on. Make it the new normal.

MH1975 · 22/03/2019 23:36

I feel like I should just leave him to it but I’m too concerned about DS - The couple of times he had him for about 20 mins when I was outside he came out shouting at me that DS was “screaming” - he wasn’t - has never screamed - he was just grizzling a bit and wanted a little walk round for a change of scene as babies do!

OP posts:

Crabbyandproudofit · 22/03/2019 23:36

Whenever I bring the subject up DP tries to make out that I’m trying to stop him doing stuff - I’m not, I just think we both should be able to do things?!

Well actually you are trying to stop him doing some of his stuff because he is now a parent. Don't deny this, in fact agree because this should apply to both of you. Definitely repeat "that's your little boy why don't YOU want to look after him." back to him. You need to agree some time away for each of you, particularly you need to leave him in charge sometimes when he can not just hand DS back to you whenever the baby grumps, needs changing etc.

It is not reasonable that only your life should have altered.

MH1975 · 22/03/2019 23:40

I’ve deffo made a rod for my own back - DP just expects tooo much!
I was working the day before I was induced and back working 4 days later ! Albeit in the kitchen on the laptop but still!
I’m so fucked off tbh - more so that he just doesn’t (or doesn’t want to) get the actual point that I keep trying to make!
The selfishness is really starting to make me dislike him and it’s really changing my opinion of him
Just needed a bit of a rant as I can’t sleep due to being so bloody annoyed!

OP posts:

Crabbyandproudofit · 22/03/2019 23:41

If he never looks after HIS SON he's never going to gain confidence with him. You are the baby's mum but he is the father, or would he prefer that you call him "the sperm donor"?

LovingLola · 22/03/2019 23:42

How long have you been together?

LovingLola · 22/03/2019 23:43

And was your baby planned ?

Purpleartichoke · 22/03/2019 23:54

If you are bottle feeding, you could just force the situation. Tell him you are going out and just leave for a few hours. He might start to understand that is essentially what he is doing to you.

MH1975 · 22/03/2019 23:55

Yes planned, and actually his idea as he had no children!
I actually thought he’d be really good and thoughtful and fussy round me and the baby and he’s been completely the opposite!
So it’s not like he was an arse and I still had a baby with him, this behaviour is so unexpected!
I know men tend to like babies more as they get a bit older and interact, but this is just ridiculous! Plus DS is such a happy smiley little thing bless him
I’m going to have another talk with him this weekend and hopefully get my point across 🤞🏻
Otherwise we’re going for counselling so he starts to understand because this is going to end up ruining our relationship and I don’t want that to happen

OP posts:

TheYoungOffendersMum · 23/03/2019 00:01

He is an utter manchild who cannot accept that he needs to man up and step the fuck up.

You aren't the first person I've heard say that it was the guy who wanted the baby. When I had my first, I met a single mum who was pushed into having a baby when she hadn't wanted kids, she loved her kiddy but the arsehole left her near the end of the pregnancy.

If this continues, despite mediation, counselling, etc then I suggest you throw him out for a "temporary" separation. And then see how you feel.

blackteasplease · 23/03/2019 00:07

It's the bone deep selfishness isn't it? The ability to take all the rest, all the free time for themselves and not care if you get nothing. To decide what they can manage and that everything else therefore falls to you no matter how much that is.

TotHappy · 23/03/2019 00:10

I'm getting fed up of women saying they 'have absolutely no problem' with selfish, individualistic behaviour, probably because they fear being told they're 'controlling and needy' which I've also seen a lot on here lately

Ffs START having a problem with him going out. 5 times a week to the gym and then the pub a sixth night?! He needs to FUCK. OFF.

I'm raging for you.

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gt84 · 23/03/2019 00:14

“Otherwise we’re going for counselling so he starts to understand because this is going to end up ruining our relationship and I don’t want that to happen”

Are you sure you don’t want that to happen? He sounds like a selfish arsehole and you deserve better. You also said you’re starting to dislike him and this is changing your opinion of him

KaleidoscopeEyes · 23/03/2019 00:18

I can't actually believe he's getting away with this. How DARE he think you're not entitled to some time off? This is definitely a dumpable offence imo.

LovingLola · 23/03/2019 00:19

I was working the day before I was induced and back working 4 days later !

And

However, I have him 24/7 - DP has carried on his life with no change basically
He goes to the gym 5 times a week and tonight for example he went off to the pub
I have absolutely no problem with any of this

What are you trying to prove?
Why did you work up to the day before you had a baby and why were you working 4 days later ?
Why have you no problem with your dp going out so much?

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