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You're not really a single parent

(181 Posts)
Noodledoodlesandspud Fri 22-Mar-19 22:23:00

I posted a status on Facebook earlier saying in a jokey way how hard it was to have a shower as a single parent. My aunt who lives abroad commented 'well you're not really a single parent are you'.
I asked her to clarify thinking that she might have not realised me and STBXH had separated. She replied well STBXH helps out a lot and what ever happens you still have the boys keeping you together'. I replied saying that actually STBXH only has the boys one day a week and rarely pays maintenance etc and I do everything for my boys. She then said there no need to be like that.
AIBU to be really pissed off that she said that.
Tbh she lives abroad and hasn't seen STBXH since we split and his lovely persona has slipped (he's a manipulative bastard and noone else saw it until after we split and his mask started to slip).

YouWinAgain Fri 22-Mar-19 23:30:49

Even if your ex is a prick, he gives you a break and you can ring him if you're worried about illness/development.

No i can't. If I ring him worried about anything he'll say I chose to leave him so I have to deal with (despite him being violent and controlling)

DefinitelyCommisery Fri 22-Mar-19 23:31:44

We’d all bloody love to do a gwyneth and Chris, it’s the ideal in a separation situation.
However, in real life if you don’t have the same goals that ideal is impossible. Therefore, you can’t control the reactions of others but only control your own whilst mitigating damage as best you can.

I am a single mum. I’m a bloody good one at that and I’m sure there is a chorus of women on here that also are.
Rebecca2: Join the chorus and support them for the marvellous job they do in the face of adversity instead of taking your situation as your personal victory rather than being smug for the circumstances that allowed you to prevail as co-parents. Mumsnet has taught me to look at things from all sides and not be so black and white and judgemental. I do hope it will do the same for you going forwards.

liamhemsworthsrealwife Fri 22-Mar-19 23:31:44

@2rebecca thanks for the useless advice, oh wise one.

Op I'd probably just delete her in all honesty. Who needs that crap.

Islands81 Fri 22-Mar-19 23:32:01

Me and dd1’s dad split when she was 13 months, and then he’d have her every other weekend (and still does, 13 years later). He also pays a small amount of maintenance. I thought my life was hard....UNTIL...I had dd2 who hasn’t seen her dad since she was 19 months old (she’s nearly 9 now). He doesn’t pay any maintenance and we have court orders ensuring he can’t come near us.

There’s definitely a big difference between my two scenarios. I didn’t know I was born with dd1, and a sanity break every fortnight. 100% solo parenting, with no respite or financial help is a different kettle of fish.

But as they say, you can drown in 6 inches of water or 6 feet, one isn’t worse than the other. It’s not a competition.

Tunnockswafer Fri 22-Mar-19 23:32:09

Is the term “lone parent” still in use? That to me sounds like someone who does it completely alone.

TheFormidableMrsC Fri 22-Mar-19 23:32:26

I do bloody everything for my DS because his woefully inadequate twat of a father "chooses" not to...but according to @2rebecca I am not really a single parent. Were you the "other woman"..sounds like it...

LonelyTiredandLow Fri 22-Mar-19 23:39:46

Who knew there were such divisions!
I guess I'm a solo parent then if others calling themselves single parents still have the father involved in some way (visits/financial/cards/2shits). Not judging and agree there are variations; sometimes it's easier not to have the extra person involved.

LonelyTiredandLow Fri 22-Mar-19 23:40:56

@Tunnock last time I checked lone parents was the term, but IIRC many were upset as it made out they were lonely...

UnspiritualHome Fri 22-Mar-19 23:47:21

I'd ask her how making a straight statement of fact is "being like that".

Tillygetsit Fri 22-Mar-19 23:53:20

Untrue NuffsaidSam. I'm like a pp. Divorced with 2 kids now remarried. My son was in hospital at 2 years old ( not remarried then)and out of politeness I told his dad who said it wasn't his problem! He didn't pay alimony and 9 times out of 10 doesnt bother to turn up when he's meant to. He is also remarried with 1 child and I have been told by him not to bother him about the children as he has a real family now. He was not an abusive alcoholic arsehole when I met or married him. He changed in 4 years and then I was very much a single parent for 3.

Verynice Fri 22-Mar-19 23:57:53

Yes, but if they're involved, you're not entirely on your own. You can't share the joys or the disasters with a ghost. You don't know their medical history, their talents, their aptitudes, nothing. You're totally on your own and that is different. It's really fucking hard to be honest.

Verynice Sat 23-Mar-19 00:00:11

Plus the typical set-up these days seems to be that the women have the children during the week and Dad has them at the weekend. So they have a great time! They being the Mums in such set ups! I genuinely envy that.

NameChangex3 Sat 23-Mar-19 00:03:52

I do cringe a bit when my friend complains how hard being a single parent is and the lack of "me time". She does 50-50 split with her ex, the kids do one week with her and the other week with him. It seems a bit like part time parenting. She gets a week to herself every other week!

I think there is a massive difference between being a lone parent and a single parent. I don't think you can compare someone sharing care (however little) to someone who does 100%

Verynice Sat 23-Mar-19 00:04:11

And another downside to it is that SS come down on you like a tonne of bricks if you're diagnosed with PND - because you've no support. Blah blah. Yes, it's because I've no support that I have PND, but I'm doing fine until you lot shoved your ugly know-it-all bastarding heads around my door to further stress me out. angry

warriorprincessandwidowed Sat 23-Mar-19 00:08:12

I am a widow as my name suggest to 3 children. Calling me a single parent will land you with a bitch stare.

I am not a single parent. I did not choose this. We did not choose this.

Major difference between widows and single parents.

CanILeavenowplease Sat 23-Mar-19 00:09:15

t seems a bit like part time parenting

No. It really fucking isn’t. It’s the same as being a full time parent when working rather than staying at home. Being a parent doesn’t stop cos your children are with your ex. Very few people choose to co-parent - it’s something which happens as a result of relationship breakdown and well done well and in a mature manner, is of great benefit to the children. None of that makes you a ‘part time parent’.

NuffSaidSam Sat 23-Mar-19 00:09:24

'Untrue NuffsaidSam.'

I haven't said anything contrary to what you said. I think you're talking to the wrong person?

gt84 Sat 23-Mar-19 00:10:15

And there was me thinking that “single parent” just meant you are a parent who is not in a relationship!

CanILeavenowplease Sat 23-Mar-19 00:11:49

I did not choose this. We did not choose this. Major difference between widows and single parents

Wow. I didn’t choose my ex husband to up and leave with another woman. I am still a single parent.

NuffSaidSam Sat 23-Mar-19 00:12:44

'I am not a single parent. I did not choose this.'

Lots of single parents are not in that situation through choice.

PregnantSea Sat 23-Mar-19 00:20:58

Goodness me, people are being very precious about the term single parent.

My dad ran off one night when I was 3. He moved to another country and had a new family. Never paid a penny, didn't write or call or pass on his new address. I have seen him 3 times after that day, each time for about an hour. But I guess my mum wasn't a single parent because he was still alive? What a load of shit.

ColeHawlins Sat 23-Mar-19 00:22:15

* I am a widow as my name suggest to 3 children. Calling me a single parent will land you with a bitch stare. *
I am not a single parent. I did not choose this. We did not choose this.
Major difference between widows and single parents.

I doubt The Widows want you as their spokeswoman, TBH. Some widows are actually pleasant people.

Verynice Sat 23-Mar-19 00:24:34

I don't think anyone chooses it. Well some single women who get sperm donors I suppose.

HennyPennyHorror Sat 23-Mar-19 00:26:34

Sounds like she was embarrassed by you being a single parent OP and then seeing it broadcast on Facebook, she tried to downplay it.

Verynice Sat 23-Mar-19 00:27:17

I've come across this idealisation by widows before. They think they're a different type of single parent. Fair enough.
I didn't choose the path I'm on either. It doesn't make you better than me.

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